whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Are you still intouch with Bill? Or is that completely over and are you two in no contact mode? So there is no genital warts? Neither you or your husband has them? Protected sex or not, Bill's wife still deserves to know the truth.
Author love lost Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 No I am not still seeing him or in touch with him. We ended it because we were both pushing our spouses farther and farther away and neither of us wanted to leave our marriages. It was a relatively brief affair. No warts in regards to my husband or me. I never got them. When he noticed his, he had it removed. Actually the biopsy questioned whether or not it was even a wart to begin with. As far as his wife, here is where I will be called names (again). The OM and his wife have a lot of issues they are dealing with also. When we decided to end our affair he said they were going to try counseling also. Whether he decided to tell his wife or not is his place, not mine or my husbands. She may already know or very well may find out. I can't handle trying to repair their marriage, just mine at the moment. No one told me that my husband was having affairs, I found out the hard way. That is not a justification, just the facts. I am sure the next question will be "wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you if they knew?". I have thought about this and it really depends. I would have said yes years ago. But after going through everything that has happened over the years, I am not so sure. If my husband had his two affairs and had ended them on his own because he realized his mistake and never went down that road again, then no I would prefer to have never known. I would have preferred to not live that pain. That pain on top of the depression I dealt with years ago, nearly broke me completely. However, if he was going to continue to be a cheater just because that is his nature, then yes I would want to know. But I believe people really do know deep down, some chose to ignore. I had a feeling about my husband and that is why I went digging and found exactly what I knew I would find. Regardless we both hurt each other greatly and now it is time to grow up and move on, hopefully together if we can make it right. I thought the post on forgiveness was very helpful. I can't seem to let go of the anger to get to that point though. Hopefully time will help. the wife
TMCM Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I can't seem to let go of the anger to get to that point though. Hopefully time will help. the wife It's a slippery slope when ones life is based on 'What he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her'. Perhaps the anger you feel is more towards yourself than towards your husband. One cannot learn to forgive others until one learns to forgive ones self first.
Author love lost Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I found that topic very helpful in putting a new light on my own problems. I told my wife that I had posted on this web site in the hopes she could understand more. I am currently working on being friends again with my wife. One of the things I told myself that I wouldn't do is turn around and remind myself or her that she had a affair with a married man. This is non-productive. Even if we divorce in the end we will still need a good relationship for our kids. I can tell you that one of the biggest stumbling blocks is that MW feels justified in her actions. That is something that I am still working on. Yes I know I have committed the same offense. Even thou the act is the same the reasons are different. That in itself has changed the dynamics of the issues. There are several reason to inform Bill's wife as are reasons not to. If anyone believes it is about control they are wrong. I am asking nothing in return from my W in order not to tell Bill's W. This issue will have to play out for me. I have days that push me harder then others to inform her. As well as days wondering if I am kidding myself about my marriage. I think this is only normal. I started this thread with one main issue: Should I tell Bill's Wife? In the process I have found new ways in dealing with the other issues. I know some of you may not believe it but I Love My Wife. I have never had deeper feelings for anyone else on this earth. I guess that is why I haven't just got up and walked away. The only relationship that comes close to my wife is my two kids. For those of you out there that have not found yourself in this situation take a word of advise: don't do it. It is easy to judge if you have never been there.
TMCM Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I can tell you that one of the biggest stumbling blocks is that MW feels justified in her actions. You are probably expecting too much from your wife right now. Besides, who wants an apology that is forced or contrived? Instead of waiting for her heart felt apology, strive to become a better spouse. Chances are good that when you least expect it, she may surprise you with a truly remorseful and heart felt apology.
Geishawhelk Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 ......one of the biggest stumbling blocks is that MW feels justified in her actions. The problem seems to be that you feel equally justified in yours. Let me put it to you this way. You were both completely justified. And you were both equally NOT justified. There is still the element of tit-for-tat here, isn't there? There seems to have been a calming of thought, an element of rationale appearing both from you and her.... But there is still this essence of "well she did, so I did, and I did so she did...." Difficult as it may seem to be right now, try to get past the whys wherefores, times, amounts, intensities, people involved, and all the useless, immaterial, irrelevant details. Unfortunately, important as you may deem them right now, they're only serving to cloud the issue. The simple fact is that you both messed up big time. Full stop end of story. Step back and look at 'the bigger picture'. The mess you have both created has now laid horribly bare, vulnerable an naked, the essential qualities and issues in your marriage of Trust, Communication and Respect. (If you've taken a glance at the other 'Control' Thread I started, in liason with this one, you'll see what I mean. There has been some extraordinarily lucid, logical and informative dialogue going on in there.... most educational. especially for me, and I kicked the ball rolling....!) How they were laid bare, and who did what to lay them bare and when, is actually not all that important. The fact is, they now all need serious attention. So step over the filthy and huge pile of dirty washing in the middle of the floor, and address the fact that your washing machine seems to not be functioning very well.... And if the Children are so important, protect them, right now, from this instant, from any further recrimination, argument, dispute and hostility between you two. She is the Mother of your children. Reflect that you were both desperately, hopelessly in Love with one another once, and you would have gone to the ends of he earth for each other. You may never hit that 'sweet spot' again, there's no going back... but at least there are ways that you can fall back into step.....
twice_shy Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 This is love lost's wife. I appreciate all of the advice given. Some has been very helpful. I did however want to make a clarification. There has been a lot of talk about STDs here and someone even went so far as to say that my husband gave me genital warts. When my husband cheated on me, it made me feel that I was worth nothing as a person. That is what happens when someone is betrayed. Same thing happened to me. My ex-wife made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anyone. So I divorced her. I don't need someone in my life to tear me down. Now I am with someone new and she makes me feel wonderful. Nobody should stay with a cheater.
american-woman Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Wow, you sure make alot of 'mistakes,' don't you? Oh goodie. You contracted genital warts which are caused by the HPV virus. Of course, giving that to your wife - if it's one of the more dangerous strains of HPV - could cause cervical cancer for her. Nice. Does it honestly MATTER what your intention was or whether the women you screwed were married or not? That makes YOUR sins less than hers? She was wrong to insinuate herself into someone else's marriage and even go so far as to have sex with this neanderthal in his marital home and marital bed. If she wanted revenge on you so bad, she could have done something that didn't require hurting yet ANOTHER innocent party - this scumbag's innocent wife who was off working to help support the family while this mouth-breather was bringing another woman into his home to have sex. Your wife was a complete scumbag for going along with it. Well, no doubt, the gal who gave you genital warts was probably quite the sexual "dynamo" herself and you probably got to do everything with HER that your wife was doing with her MM. You don't get genital warts from sitting home and reading your bible. Sounds as though you chose a 'loose' one to have an affair with the 2nd time around. Again - your point? Aww, you poor deprived guy. Yup, that's what eventually happens when you're married to someone who makes it a habit of screwing around on you - especially when you're suffereing from a medical condition. Wasn't that the reason for your first affair? She had a medical condition? Gosh, the loyalty. And you should. "Bill" is an utter scumbag and his wife SHOULD know what she's married to. Who CARES what your wife thinks or feels? This isn't ABOUT her or whether she wanted revenge or not. It's about Bill's WIFE knowing the reality of what she's married to. Tell the BW. Welcome to your WIFE'S world. You've put her through this crap TWICE. Guess you forgot that, didn't you? TELL HER. I think the two of you put the 'fun' in dysFUNction.[/quote I COULD`NT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSLF.....CUDOS TO YOU
TMCM Posted January 16, 2008 Posted January 16, 2008 She is the Mother of your children. Reflect that you were both desperately, hopelessly in Love with one another once, and you would have gone to the ends of he earth for each other. Excellent point. It is natural for us to define our spouses solely on their affair but this often is the one thing that stops us from recovering from the ordeal. It takes a conscious effort on our part to take inventory of all the good things in our spouses (or ex-spouses) but once done, it gives us a much a much needed realistic and fair view of them as flawed human beings and not as something spawned from bowels of Hell.
Author love lost Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 Excellent point. It is natural for us to define our spouses solely on their affair but this often is the one thing that stops us from recovering from the ordeal. It takes a conscious effort on our part to take inventory of all the good things in our spouses (or ex-spouses) but once done, it gives us a much a much needed realistic and fair view of them as flawed human beings and not as something spawned from bowels of Hell. A little up date Another good starting point. Even if this realtionship is going to end a good view of our ex will help with moving on. Another way to pull the thorns out of my mind. I am still sleeping apart. I still keep getting negative thoughts but instead of allowing them to eat me up inside I admit that I am having them. Then I do my best to dismiss them. Nightmare's are not as bad, I haven't had a bad one for over a week. I am trying to embrase my loneliness instead of dwelling on it. Don't get me wrong I still get angery but I don't let it effect me as much. I still have the impulse to let Bill's wife know what has happen. I guess time will tell if this will ever go away. I thought that after two months that would not still be as important to me as it is. I still have a bundle of information that I put together a few week ago. This encludes a letter I composed of a overview of the affair. I also have some copies of their e-mails with it. One very good thing is that I am feeling the will power to move on. I can look foreward and tell myself if this is the worse thing that is going to happen to me, I am lucky. I have found that writing in this open form has helped me cope with some hard feelings as well as open my eyes to what is around me. Thanks for all of your imput good or bad.
redgirl688 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 GET OUT!!! There has been too much misery in this relationship already I agree that you should divorce. As for telling the wife.....I typically feel that is a selfish move, but because of the STD you have got to let her know.
jenniferc1114 Posted January 22, 2008 Posted January 22, 2008 The only result of telling the only innocent spouse is adding 1 more party to the ugliness. She should only be told if the affair is continuing. You are not her friend. You are her husband's enemy. How will telling this ow help your marriage? Focus on your marriage, or getting out of what seems to be pointless. Not too sure if all the marriage counceling is going to prevent either one of you from cheating again down the road.
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