Long story short - should I tell MW

[TMCM]

There are only two reasons to tell OMW about the affair: 1) revenge, 2) to help her. Revenge is never constructive. And don't assume that you know what's best for OMW. Sometimes, telling the truth can be more hurtful to people than allowing events to take their natural course.

 

The OP needs to clean up his own house and stop worrying about the OM.

 

Many OM are scavengers who prey on vulnerable married women. These men will continue trying to have contact with their married lovers, even after the husband has discovered the affair. Is Bill one of these type of OM? who knows but it is best to assume that he is and err on the side of caution than to believe he is not and that he will simply go away and never contact his married lover. It is hard enough for a married woman who has cheated on her husband to end all contact with her OM, why make it easy for the OM to continue attempting to contact her? If he is married, there is a good chance that he will NOT want to end his marriage to be with his lover but if his wife is totally ignorant about his cheating, he will be more than comfortable with trying to continue with his affair(s). If his wife is informed of his cheating, then chances are more than good that he will avoid trying to contact his lover for fear that his now vigilant wife will chose to end the marriage if she catches him in the act of contacting his married lover. This is another good reason for making the OM's wife aware of her husband's infidelity.

[TMCM]

That whole quote you posted is very nice. (I'm not re-quoting it all because it's just too large.) It does a good job of explaining how to be understanding, empathetic and tolerant. But it's not really about forgiveness, per se. It's about steps that help you reach the point where you can forgive.

 

Forgiveness comes when you no longer hold anger, resentment or feelings of hurt toward someone. As long as you have these feelings, you can't truly forgive because you will be unable to completely set aside the wrong that you feel was done to you. If you are understanding, empathetic and tolerant, you will set aside your feelings of hurt much more quickly, and therefore be able to forgive sooner.

 

Just my .02.

 

I agree with your statements. As you know forgiveness is very difficult to achieve but nonetheless worthwhile even if the marriage does end. I can say without a doubt that one of the most important days of my life came when I truly forgave my ex-wife for her multiple infidelities. Forgiving her allowed me to move on with my life and convinced me that forgiveness is actually more for the benefit of the forgiver than it is for the forgiven.

[Geishawhelk]

Huh , since when is a relationship a power struggle. I thought they were more often than not a partnership. 50/50

 

I'm sorry CB, but if you look at the majority of posts from people here, complaining about break-ups, there is always a theme: it entails one partner doing something to pee the other one off. And they're doing something which goes against the wishes of the poster copmplaining. So it's about the other one following their own desires instead of being in a 50/50 partnership. That's control.

 

There is no power struggles in a relationship.

 

'Fraid you're incorrect there.

 

What kind of relationship are you having because if you seeing it that way then your wrong.

 

And I mean to say the poster should not only ber truthful about his wife but about he himself. 100%!!!!

 

Tell everything.

 

The truth shall set you free. If he's willing to own up to his bad choices and repent things coud be better. but it takes two.

 

Why is it, when men cheat we're all dogs but when women cheat they just try to justify it at every turn. She was neglected, her husband worked too much. boo hoo.

 

Give me a break.

 

Look, I'm sorry, but I've done the psychology course. I've done the counselling. I've done the relationships studies. I'm sorry, but really, you are wrong....

Look at it this way...

We're telling you it's about 'Control', right?

You're insisting it's not.

You want to be right.

We're trying to tell you we are.

You want us to agree with you and say that we're wrong.

 

see what's happening here...?

 

This is, in it's broadest sense, a form of desire to control. Not in a hugely major, kind of bullying way... but it's a desire to be heard, and to be heard above the other person. It's a desire to have your wishes and opinions put first. That's control....

 

It's to be found in the workplace, in families and always, but always, in some way, in relationships.

That's what counselling is all about....

[michaelk]

Many OM are scavengers who prey on vulnerable married women. These men will continue trying to have contact with their married lovers, even after the husband has discovered the affair. Is Bill one of these type of OM? who knows but it is best to assume that he is and err on the side of caution than to believe he is not and that he will simply go away and never contact his married lover. It is hard enough for a married woman who has cheated on her husband to end all contact with her OM, why make it easy for the OM to continue attempting to contact her? If he is married, there is a good chance that he will NOT want to end his marriage to be with his lover but if his wife is totally ignorant about his cheating, he will be more than comfortable with trying to continue with his affair(s). If his wife is informed of his cheating, then chances are more than good that he will avoid trying to contact his lover for fear that his now vigilant wife will chose to end the marriage if she catches him in the act of contacting his married lover. This is another good reason for making the OM's wife aware of her husband's infidelity.

 

Yes, you're right. But again, you're worrying about the OM. The question should be: "What's best for the OMW"? The point I was trying to make before was that you can't assume that she would choose to know about the affair(s) if she could. In this case, of course, we can be pretty darn sure she would want to know about the STD, but in general you should not think you know what's best for another couple or person.

 

Case in point: A while back, when my marriage was at its low point, my W and I had sex rarely and it always felt like rote. It got to the point where we would schedule it, she would just lay there, and I could hardly keep an erection. So I approached her and said that since she wasn't into sex with me anymore, would she mind if I went out and found it elsewhere? Her initial reaction was predictable, and pledges were made that we would work on it. A couple of months later, I said that I thought it wasn't working and she agreed to open the marriage (sexually), provided some ground rules were followed. One of these rules was that I was to hide what I was doing from her. A lot has happened since then, and I no longer feel the need to go elsewhere for sex, but all of this is background for my point.

 

The point is that while we were going through all this, she told me "I wish you hadn't chosen to be open with me about this. You should have just gone out and done it without telling me." Given the choice between 1) having me cheat, 2) having an open marriage, and 3) splitting up, she preferred #1. I was floored by this, because I figured that no matter what she'd prefer to know the truth. But that wasn't the case.

[michaelk]

And they're doing something which goes against the wishes of the poster copmplaining. So it's about the other one following their own desires instead of being in a 50/50 partnership. That's control.

 

I think this is a semantic battle. I read what you're saying and the word 'control' doesn't make sense here to me, either. These are people who want what they want. Is it self-centered? Yes. Are they trying to control others? I don't see that. In fact, it seems to me that they're doing the opposite. They're saying 'I'm doing what I want regardless of whether you go along or not.' The only thing such a person is trying to control is their own life.

[Geishawhelk]

No, it's not a question of necessarily controlling others. it's a question of simply being the one in control. having the last word. Putting their own wishes first. Perceiving - more often than not, unconsciously - that their desires are more important than the other person's. Wanting validation...

These are all issues discussed under the title of 'control'.

I'm going to start a thread titled - "Control. What is it?"

 

Just to discuss this issue, because iIthink it's quite a good topic for dicussion.

 

Thanks for inputs so far, but I don't want to take this one any more OT than it has already gone....

 

See you, (hopefully) in the 'new' thread....!

[TMCM]

Yes, you're right. But again, you're worrying about the OM. The question should be: "What's best for the OMW"? The point I was trying to make before was that you can't assume that she would choose to know about the affair(s) if she could. In this case, of course, we can be pretty darn sure she would want to know about the STD, but in general you should not think you know what's best for another couple or person.

 

Case in point: A while back, when my marriage was at its low point, my W and I had sex rarely and it always felt like rote. It got to the point where we would schedule it, she would just lay there, and I could hardly keep an erection. So I approached her and said that since she wasn't into sex with me anymore, would she mind if I went out and found it elsewhere? Her initial reaction was predictable, and pledges were made that we would work on it. A couple of months later, I said that I thought it wasn't working and she agreed to open the marriage (sexually), provided some ground rules were followed. One of these rules was that I was to hide what I was doing from her. A lot has happened since then, and I no longer feel the need to go elsewhere for sex, but all of this is background for my point.

 

The point is that while we were going through all this, she told me "I wish you hadn't chosen to be open with me about this. You should have just gone out and done it without telling me." Given the choice between 1) having me cheat, 2) having an open marriage, and 3) splitting up, she preferred #1. I was floored by this, because I figured that no matter what she'd prefer to know the truth. But that wasn't the case.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

It seems to me that your wife is trying to blame you for being honest and agreeing to the open marriage so that she can wash her hands of the role that she freely agreed to play. Your wife could have said no to the open marriage suggestion and dedicated herself to finding out why she was having sexual discomfort and try her best to resolve the issue but she didn't, did she? It isn't your honesty with her which is to blame for her pain, but her dishonesty towards you and to herself.

[Tomcat33]

I disagree for in many cases, the betrayed spouse is totally oblivious as to the cheating spouse's affair(s). As I said before, this may not be Bill's only affair. Nobody has a right to knowingly hide the truth from her for to do so makes that people who know about the affair, ACCESSORIES/FACILITATORS OF THE AFFAIR.

 

 

It's not his place to tell the BS of the other couple what her H is doing he has enough problems to deal with on his own homefront and he is not doing it for any benefit to the BS he is doing if for personal revenge and resentment towards his W which is pointless to feel after everything he did to her. Meddling in the other couple's life is not going to make his situation at home any better and if he were that concerned with doing what is morally correct he would not have cheated in the first place.

 

Let it go TMCM.

[TMCM]

Yes, you're right. But again, you're worrying about the OM. The question should be: "What's best for the OMW"? The point I was trying to make before was that you can't assume that she would choose to know about the affair(s) if she could. In this case, of course, we can be pretty darn sure she would want to know about the STD, but in general you should not think you know what's best for another couple or person.

 

Case in point: A while back, when my marriage was at its low point, my W and I had sex rarely and it always felt like rote. It got to the point where we would schedule it, she would just lay there, and I could hardly keep an erection. So I approached her and said that since she wasn't into sex with me anymore, would she mind if I went out and found it elsewhere? Her initial reaction was predictable, and pledges were made that we would work on it. A couple of months later, I said that I thought it wasn't working and she agreed to open the marriage (sexually), provided some ground rules were followed. One of these rules was that I was to hide what I was doing from her. A lot has happened since then, and I no longer feel the need to go elsewhere for sex, but all of this is background for my point.

 

The point is that while we were going through all this, she told me "I wish you hadn't chosen to be open with me about this. You should have just gone out and done it without telling me." Given the choice between 1) having me cheat, 2) having an open marriage, and 3) splitting up, she preferred #1. I was floored by this, because I figured that no matter what she'd prefer to know the truth. But that wasn't the case.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

It seems to me that your wife is trying to blame you for being honest and agreeing to the open marriage so that she can wash her hands of the role that she freely agreed to play. Your wife could have said no to the open marriage suggestion and dedicated herself to finding out why she was having sexual discomfort and try her best to resolve the issue but she didn't, did she? It isn't your honesty with her which is to blame for her pain, but her dishonesty towards you and to herself.

[Tomcat33]

Just read MichaelK's post, there you have it TMCM you have NO idea what each couple has worked out under their own roof....meddling in other people's lives is only that. If you can't fix your own problems what makes you think you can fix someone else's, and this man is nowhere near fixing his own problems so why complicate his life even more?

 

It's not our duty to make the world right it is our duty to make ourselves right so that the world has one less menace to have to worry about.

[TMCM]

It's not his place to tell the BS of the other couple what her H is doing he has enough problems to deal with on his own homefront and he is not doing it for any benefit to the BS he is doing if for personal revenge and resentment towards his W which is pointless to feel after everything he did to her. Meddling in the other couple's life is not going to make his situation at home any better and if he were that concerned with doing what is morally correct he would not have cheated in the first place.

 

Let it go TMCM.

 

 

I'm sorry Tomcat but I must vehemently disagree with you. Revenge can be a motive but it still does not invalidate the right of the BS to know about his/her spouse's affair. Don't you find it odd that the unfaithful wife believes that a betrayed spouse has a right to know when his/her spouse has a lover on the side, except when that lover happens to be her? It isn't until people are tested in the field that you finally get the real answer and not something that is just based on their belief on what should be.

 

He now knows the pain his wife felt of being betrayed, but his wife does not know the pain she has caused another woman and her children, who did not do any harm to her. He didn't cause this pain, her affair did.

[Tomcat33]

Don't you find it odd that the unfaithful wife believes that a betrayed spouse has a right to know when his/her spouse has a lover on the side, except when that lover happens to be her? It isn't until people are tested in the field that you finally get the real answer and not something that is just based on their belief on what should be.

 

 

Nonsense!! The person questioning if he should tell knew his right or wrong all along, he just wants revenge on his W for hurting his ego and that's why he wants to tell.

 

Not the right motive to tell and in fact it could just blow up in his face because it could add more problems for him. Anyway he will tell if he wants to or he won't if he doesn't regardless of what we say so not point arguing about it.

 

He asked us what he should do I say don't bother, you say he should it's up to him.

[TMCM]

Nonsense!! The person questioning if he should tell knew his right or wrong all along, he just wants revenge on his W for hurting his ego and that's why he wants to tell.

 

You may be right but it also so self-serving and hypocritical of his wife to want to have one set of standards for others and another for herself. Just like he is a hypocrite for withdrawing from his wife and acting high and mighty when he himself cheated on her twice.

 

Not the right motive to tell and in fact it could just blow up in his face because it could add more problems for him. Anyway he will tell if he wants to or he won't if he doesn't regardless of what we say so not point arguing about it.

 

He asked us what he should do I say don't bother, you say he should it's up to him.

 

I have a question for you. If he choses to cheat on his wife for a third time, does his wife have a right to know about it?

[TMCM]

Hey the guys, in this case whether or not telling is about revenge or not, there are some health issues involved. She should know just so she can take care of herself. Genital warts ARE caused by the HPV virus and it also causes cervical cancer. If caught early has a good chance of being cured, if not has a high mortality rate.

 

I agree. There is more than one reason to have the BS know about his/her spouse's affair which have nothing to do with revenge and this is one of THE most important of them all. Unfortunately, there are those here who would not agree with us that this is reason enough to tell the BS about the affair.

[michaelk]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

It seems to me that your wife is trying to blame you for being honest and agreeing to the open marriage so that she can wash her hands of the role that she freely agreed to play. Your wife could have said no to the open marriage suggestion and dedicated herself to finding out why she was having sexual discomfort and try her best to resolve the issue but she didn't, did she? It isn't your honesty with her which is to blame for her pain, but her dishonesty towards you and to herself.

 

Twice now you've completely missed my point. I wasn't asking for your advice or interpretation of the events between my wife and I. I was pointing out that some people would choose not to know. That's it. End of story.

[TMCM]

Twice now you've completely missed my point. I wasn't asking for your advice or interpretation of the events between my wife and I. I was pointing out that some people would choose not to know. That's it. End of story.

 

I'm sorry if you took offense to my comments but the personal example you gave failed to convince me how hiding important truths from a spouse is good for the marriage. Rest easy for in the future I'll refrain from addressing any of your posts.

[love lost]

That is a very good question! I never thought about it like that!

 

 

I have a question for you. If he choses to cheat on his wife for a third time, does his wife have a right to know about it?

 

 

WOW,

 

I want to thank all of you for your reply's. Most of your arguements are the same one I have been having with myself. A few of you have completely went off to the deep end and have missed the question all together. I can tell that this topic has struck a nerve.

 

While there may be several reasons not to tell Bill's wife, the biggest reason I have not told her is that my wife wishes that I don't. MW is worried about how the OW may react. My W is worried this OW may show up at her work or home. MW is conserned if this OW beomes violentand strucks out against her or our children. Her argument not to tell Bill's wife is that we don't know how Bill's wife will react. I already know what some of the responce will be: She had the affair now she has to deal with it and the other side will say, She right you don't know what Bill's Wife will do. I have found that most people that say don't tell Bill's wife have been engaged in a affair of some sort.

 

Some of the reply's believe that I want to tell Bill's wife out of revenge. Perhaps at first that was my intention, but over the past few weeks it has turned into something else. If I wanted revenge I would have confronted Bill face to face. I also had that reflex but did not act on it.

 

I have heard people express that this is about control. I don't want to be in a controled or to control a relationship. I want a 50/50 relationship. I guess for some people that is all they know or want. Not in my case.

 

I talked to my W tonight a little about everything. She has told me it was just sex and she was sorry for taking that path. Tonight I felt she really ment it. Our relationship will have to be reinvented no matter what we end up doing. I have read a lot about these things. One common thread that keeps popping up is to give your marriage a year before a divorce. I am going to try that for now.

 

I have high dreams for us but little energy. I have been drained of that. People will say you need to work it out for the kids. I no longer agree with that. That may work for other people and that's great. I have decided to try to work it out for my W. Staying together will help the kids only if we are in a loving marriage.

 

Right now one of the hardest things in the isolation of being by myself. I realize that I have been alone for a long time. I am tired of that. I know I may be alone for another year but we may just turn this around.

 

I believe I will seek out a counsler and talk it out with him/her. This has also been the request of my W and our marriage counsler. I am not sure if this will help me but it couldn't hurt.

[mental_traveller]

You need to tell the married woman, otherwise she will be oblivious that she is at risk of contracting (incurable) HPV, genital warts, and possibly cervical cancer. If you don't tell then you are effectively gambling with her life and taking a genuine risk of her dying.

 

There's also the issue of her having the right to know that her marriage is a sham. If you were in her shoe, wouldn't you want to know?

 

I also agree with the point that if you don't tell about the 1st affair, that means you won't tell even if he has 100 affairs, has unprotected sex with prostitutes or heroin addicts etc. HER HEALTH AND LIFE IS AT RISK.

[whichwayisup]

Does Bill know about the STD? Because if he doesn't HE needs to know as well. His wife deserves to know the truth. REVERSE the situation, wouldn't you want to know? This isn't now just about protecting your wife from Bill's wife, this is about HUMAN decency and someone's health being affected. As a human being, you owe her the truth.

The consquences of having an affair is dealing with the fallout, so if you love your wife, you can protect her from Bill's wife...From the sounds of it, it seems like you two are going to work on your marriage.

[OpenBook]

I believe I will seek out a counsler and talk it out with him/her. This has also been the request of my W and our marriage counsler. I am not sure if this will help me but it couldn't hurt.

 

I am clapping my hands here... Good for you! Seeing an IC is one of the smartest moves you could make right now. It could really help you hash out things for yourself, make some sense out of all this crazy mess. I sense a lot of confusion in your words. I also sense a lot of love remaining toward your W, in spite of all that's happened. To me that's more significant than anything else, and it's well worth turning over every stone in order to save it. Wishing you lots of good luck - I'm hoping for the best for you!

[michaelk]

I'm sorry if you took offense to my comments but the personal example you gave failed to convince me how hiding important truths from a spouse is good for the marriage. Rest easy for in the future I'll refrain from addressing any of your posts.

 

Lol. Don't confuse terseness with taking offense! I'm fine. It's just not worth talking when I know the person I'm addressing can't hear me.

[TMCM]

Letting Bill's wife know that he has been unfaithful to her does not mean that you have to provide details about the identity of his lover. There are many BS who never find out the identity of their spouse's lover and yet still manage to move on with their lives. The important thing is that she is made aware of the betrayal and has a chance to get herself tested for STDs and do some serious soul searching as to whether she wants to continue being married to Bill or not.

 

Another thing to consider -for those who are against telling a BS about the affair - is IF we accept that you are correct, then why not encourage the unfaithful spouse to have as many affairs as he or she wants? After all isn't this what the old saying "What he/she doesn't know won't hurt him/her" is all about?

[Geishawhelk]

For separate (but connected!) discussion on 'Control issues' mentioned earlier, please look at this thread here. Thanks guys....!!

[twice_shy]

Ok, long story short.

I have been maried for over 16 years. I had a affair on my wife after 7 years of marriage. I made a mistake. No matter what is going on with our lives a affair is not going to help. My wife had suffered from depression and other medical issues during this time. Again having a affair was a big mistake. The affair lasted on and off for about 1 1/2 years. When the truth came out we sought marriage counsling. I did everything I could to repair the damage I did. I took a lot of abuse from my wife over the affair. Approx. 1 year later I had to tell my wife that we must move on for I will not stay in a marriage to be abused. She seemed to agree.

 

Fast foreward to 8 years. Wife and I grew apart. She closed me off and I shut her out. We now have two great kids. Our relationship is well we don't have one. I again became very lonely and frustrated that lead me down the road to a second affair. Yet another great mistake I have made.

 

trust me, its no mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it. And you did it twice after trying to call it a mistake the first time.

 

If things are this bad and you grew apart after your first affair, which I can't really blame your wife since you hurt her so bad, then you either get counseling, or start the proceedings of a divorce. But to cheat again? Come on man, grow a set.

 

 

Fast foreward 5 months. The week of Thanksgiving I had been working a lot of overtime in order to give my kids a nice Christmas. My wife asked that I don't work any O.T. and to come home. I did come home. She sat me down and told me she had made love to another man. I was floored.

 

Stings doesn't it? But a revenge affair on her part is absolutely wrong.

And even though you cheated on her more than once and gave her warts, its no excuse for what she did, but are you surprised?

 

 

The other guys name is (William) Bill. He is married with atleast one kid. I thought my wife may be up to something a few weeks earlier but I was still trying to build our relationship and didn't want to accuse her of anything. To add to my heartbreak she allowed Bill to drive her to his house and they made love on the bed that he sleeps in with his wife.

 

Well now this is where I just lost respect for your wife. Although revenge cheating just lowers yourself to a deplorable level, she now is going to be the cause of pain to another wife.

 

 

I found the hidden e-mail account and read some of the e-mail they sent to each other. Bill had stated that he loved my wife's body.

 

My wife stopped going to the marriage counsler for she was already making love to Bill in his wife's bed. My wife has stated that she needed to do this for all of the pain I had done to her. Part of me agrees I don't have much of a leg to stand on. But I never had a affair with a married women. I didn't have the affairs to inflict pain into our marriage. Yes I made mistakes. But does that make it ok for her to have intercourse with Bill??

 

Again, no it doesn't. Absolutely not.

 

 

I am sure she liked being with Bill. Regardless I keep feeling the need to tell Bill's wife. It is not fair that I have to take all this pain and he gets to walk away.

 

You are not taking all the pain. Don't forget, you threw that down on your wife too.

 

So I am asking you, should I inform Bill's wife of the affair??? I already have a nice packect of information to drop off to her. What would you do?

 

Well I always say that the BS has a right to know that they are being cheated on. And yes, I think you should tell, even though it really isn't your place to do so and would be highly hypocritical of you.

 

 

What do you think about this whole mess???????? We do have two kids to think about.

 

Why didn't you think about your kids before cheating on their mother?

[love lost]

This is love lost's wife. I appreciate all of the advice given. Some has been very helpful. I did however want to make a clarification. There has been a lot of talk about STDs here and someone even went so far as to say that my husband gave me genital warts.

 

Stings doesn't it? But a revenge affair on her part is absolutely wrong.

And even though you cheated on her more than once and gave her warts, its no excuse for what she did, but are you surprised?

 

I just want to add a portion to the details that my husband posted. I did have an affair out of revenge and I know that it was wrong to do so. It did not help matters at all and even though I feel that I leveled the playing field between my husband and I, it was at a very great cost. I want to make it very clear that I did not have unprotected sex and I do not, or have ever had warts or any other type of STD.

 

I know there are those who have strong feelings about this topic and I can admit that I became a person that I thought I would never become. I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be brought down to that level and to involve a married man in my situation. It was a time of desperation and great pain. When I got attention from this person, it made all of the pain disappear, even if temporarily. When my husband cheated on me, it made me feel that I was worth nothing as a person. Never in my life would I have thought that I would have had an affair, but especially not with a married man. I look back and am in disbelief at my own actions.

 

Again, I appreciate the constructive advice. Just wanted to clear the air.

 

thanks