Long story short - should I tell MW

[love lost]

Ok, long story short.

I have been maried for over 16 years. I had a affair on my wife after 7 years of marriage. I made a mistake. No matter what is going on with our lives a affair is not going to help. My wife had suffered from depression and other medical issues during this time. Again having a affair was a big mistake. The affair lasted on and off for about 1 1/2 years. When the truth came out we sought marriage counsling. I did everything I could to repair the damage I did. I took a lot of abuse from my wife over the affair. Approx. 1 year later I had to tell my wife that we must move on for I will not stay in a marriage to be abused. She seemed to agree.

 

Fast foreward to 8 years. Wife and I grew apart. She closed me off and I shut her out. We now have two great kids. Our relationship is well we don't have one. I again became very lonely and frustrated that lead me down the road to a second affair. Yet another great mistake I have made. This affair was short lived. My wife told me that if I had a second affair that she would leave me. I figured that after she found out it would be the nail that finally ends the marraige. The second affair was approx. 2 months. We meet only three times. Still it was a big mistake on my part. To my suprise my wife stayed in the marriage. Again I wanted to do what I could to fix things. It was different then the first affair for we both could see our mistakes.

 

We started going to marriage counsling again. It was none productive. My wife felt we needed to be on a level playing field. Bottom line it appeared I contracted gential warts from my last affair and we did not disclose this to the counsler. In a attempt to make things better I disclosed every little thing to the counsler. I was embarassed. After a few sessions my wife decided not to go. She told me that it was not helping.

 

Fast foreward 5 months. The week of Thanksgiving I had been working a lot of overtime in order to give my kids a nice Christmas. My wife asked that I don't work any O.T. and to come home. I did come home. She sat me down and told me she had made love to another man. I was floored. The other guys name is (William) Bill. He is married with atleast one kid. I thought my wife may be up to something a few weeks earlier but I was still trying to build our relationship and didn't want to accuse her of anything. To add to my heartbreak she allowed Bill to drive her to his house and they made love on the bed that he sleeps in with his wife. I found the hidden e-mail account and read some of the e-mail they sent to each other. Bill had stated that he loved my wife's body.

 

My wife stopped going to the marriage counsler for she was already making love to Bill in his wife's bed. My wife has stated that she needed to do this for all of the pain I had done to her. Part of me agrees I don't have much of a leg to stand on. But I never had a affair with a married women. I didn't have the affairs to inflict pain into our marriage. Yes I made mistakes. But does that make it ok for her to have intercourse with Bill?? It was very hard to hear the details of how he would pick my wife up and drive back to his house after Bill's wife and childeren had left. I still find it hard to believe. The two of them completed almost every sexual act. One of the sexual acts they completed she would not allow me to do for several years of our marriage!

 

So, I have moved out of my wife bedroom and moved into the lower level of our house. We decided to try counsling again. (1st) problem my wife feels justified in what she has done. She has offered little to no remorse or sorrow for he actions. She will tell me that she is sorry for hurting me but will justify her actions. (2nd) I want to let Bill's wife know what Bill and my wife have done. My wife has asked me not to tell her. She tells me that Bill was just a revenge affair and he means nothing to her. Bill and my wife had sex atleast 5 times. If she just wanted revenge she would have only slept with him 2 or three times. I am sure she liked being with Bill. Regardless I keep feeling the need to tell Bill's wife. It is not fair that I have to take all this pain and he gets to walk away.

 

So I am asking you, should I inform Bill's wife of the affair??? I already have a nice packect of information to drop off to her. What would you do?

 

What do you think about this whole mess???????? We do have two kids to think about.

[Geishawhelk]

No.

 

Revenge is puerile and will get you nowhere.

feels nice, does it, knowing that not only can you fudge up your own lives, you'll do the same to someone else?

 

Both of you grow up.

Stop playing mind-games.

Get a divorce and move on.

You are soooo not good for each other.

Or anyone else, for that matter, at the moment.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Don't get anyone else involved in your problems. Bill is not your problem but an added casualty. Work it out with your wife.

[whichwayisup]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

But I never had a affair with a married women. I didn't have the affairs to inflict pain into our marriage

 

No, but you did cheat on your wife, twice.

 

You two need to divorce because what you both are teaching your children at home isn't healthy or good for them. KIDS learn how to behave in relationships by how they're folks are as a couple.

 

You and your wife can be the best co-parents together, but not under the same roof.

 

I usually don't tell people to split up but I think both you and your wife are on two different paths and neither of you love and respect eachother at all anymore. That died years ago.

[OpenBook]

Yes, absolutely tell Bill's W. She needs to know about the genital warts. And so does Bill, for that matter, if he doesn't already know.

[michaelk]

I wouldn't tell her. You're allowing yourself to fall into the same revenge-motivated mentality that your W used to justify her affair. Stop worrying about Bill and his marriage, and focus back on things at home. You two have a lot of work to do because whether you divorce or not, you need to get back to a stable relationship for the sake of your children.

[whichwayisup]

Don't deal directly with Bill, talk to his wife. SHE needs the truth so SHE can decide if she wants to continue to be married to a lying and cheating husband. And so she can get herself to a doctor.

[love lost]

It's almost like I am looking into myself when I read all of your comments. I have all of these issues jump in and a out of my head for the last two months. I have days when I am ready to inform Bill's wife and days when i want to focus on starting a new relationship with my wife. Then I may feel like enough is enough. . . . . . . . .

[whichwayisup]

If you want to save your marriage, your wife MUST end the affair (telling Bill's wife WILL end the A, atleast it will be out in the open and harder for them to sneak back to eachother) and go complete no contact with him, go to marriage counselling with you so you two can rebuild your relationship and repair what's wrong. Each of you need individual counselling to deal with your own issues, and hopefully together, if it's something you both want, can make your marriage healthier and long lasting. Try to recapture the love again. I mean, you two obviously loved eachother years ago, enough to get married and have children.

 

You need to decide what you want to do either way, but Bill's wife needs to know. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want to know? Especially since there's an STD involved here that affects everyone, forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, absolutely tell Bill's W. She needs to know about the genital warts. And so does Bill, for that matter, if he doesn't already know.

No need to tell them as they'll both probably know very soon !

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chrome Barracuda]

Good lord.

 

You need to tell the OMW.

 

This genital wart thing is disgusting, who's infected, you , your wife? the OM?

 

Have any of you been tested for STD's?

 

You need to asap.

 

But more importantly you need to end this affair she's having and get into a pro marriage MC. If not expose the affair.

 

I think your wife is hurting deeply and she's doing this outta revenge. But I bet if you expose the affair and tell about the STD she'll wake the hell up real quick!

[love lost]

Short update:

 

My wife has stated that she and Bill are no longer seeing each other. I have e-mail Bill using the account my wife set up to have her affair. I let Bill know that I know what the two of them have done. I can only guess that he open and read it. I never received a e-mail from him after I sent mine. Bill had my wife's cell number. I changed the number. Wife is pissed about that. Wife wanted to keep the old number, we have had these numbers for years. I didn't see a need for her boyfriend to have it.

 

We are seeing a marraige counsler. Wife is seeing a counsler by her self. She has seen this one during her depression. So he knows most of the story.

 

I am still living apart from her (Wife). I am still living on the lower level of my house. I have not had any reason or desire to sleep in the same bed as wife. My issues are still mostly the same.

 

1. I want to tell Bill's wife. My wife doesn't want that to happen. I didn't produce this affair. My wife and Bill has. I refuse to be told that I will only bring pain to Bill's wife, Bill and my wife have already done that. You can not blame other people for what they have done.

 

2. I no longer fell close to my wife. I only felt feeling from my wife just after her affair came to light. I have poured over her with love and effection only not to receive any from her. I asked my wife a while ago if she wanted to work on us. Only with in the last week did she say yes. I have seen little to no change in her effection to me.

 

3. Wife still refuses to show any true remorse or compassion to me for what she has done.

 

Footnote: Before my wife had her affair she was very much in favor of informing people of affairs. She had stated to me that if I had another affair she would want to be told. If she knew that some one close was having a affair she would tell the other person. Now that she is in a affair her story has changed. She is very opposed to informing Bill's wife of their affair!

[justice]

If you've done everything possible to save your marriage and it isn't working, then you need a trial separation to really take a close look at yourself, your relationship w your wife and your life in general. At the end of it, if you feel you still want to work on it then you are going to have to commit to it one hundred and ten percent and so is your wife. On the other hand, if you still feel like you need to end your marriage then that is what would be the best for all concerned. To tell or not tell, that decision is up to you. Don't do it out of revenge, do it because of concern for another person's health since std's could and prob. are present.

Affairs don't just affect the people having them, they touch everyone's lives involved, wives, husbands, and more importantly the children. If ppl would stop having affairs we wouldn't have these problems anymore.

[Geishawhelk]

 

........ I have e-mail Bill using the account my wife set up to have her affair. I let Bill know that I know what the two of them have done. I can only guess that he open and read it. ......I changed the number. Wife is pissed about that. Wife wanted to keep the old number.......I didn't see a need for her boyfriend to have it.

 

........ I have not had any reason or desire to sleep in the same bed as wife. My issues are still mostly the same.

 

....I want to tell Bill's wife. My wife doesn't want that to happen. I didn't produce this affair. My wife and Bill has. I refuse to be told that I will only bring pain to Bill's wife, Bill and my wife have already done that. You can not blame other people for what they have done.

 

........ I have seen little to no change in her effection to me.

 

......Wife still refuses to show any true remorse or compassion to me for what she has done.

 

You have serious controlling issues. Very serious. I think you and your wife are both acting like utterly selfish idiots, but from what you have posted here, it sounds to me as if there is a basis in your attitude that might be pushing her away and feeding her depression.

Deal with your own sad and sorry issues, and stop trying to control hers. You are so focussing on where hger blame and responsibility lies, you just haven't noticed how crudded up you are, and what effect you're having on her.....

 

- And you know what the saddest thing is?

You two idiots are parents.

I really, really feel sorry for your kids.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You have serious controlling issues. Very serious. I think you and your wife are both acting like utterly selfish idiots, but from what you have posted here, it sounds to me as if there is a basis in your attitude that might be pushing her away and feeding her depression.

Deal with your own sad and sorry issues, and stop trying to control hers. You are so focussing on where hger blame and responsibility lies, you just haven't noticed how crudded up you are, and what effect you're having on her.....

 

- And you know what the saddest thing is?

You two idiots are parents.

I really, really feel sorry for your kids.

 

The truth is never about control. The truth will come out in some form or manner.

 

It aint about control.

 

Why do people say that???

[TMCM]

By all means go ahead and tell Bill's wife about your wife and her's husband's affair for just like you, this may not be Bill's only affair. She has as much right to know as your wife did when you had yours.

 

BOTH of you are hypocrites. You are being hypocritical by turning away from your wife for her affair when you have been guilty of the same thing TWICE. Your wife is being hypocritical with her double-standard of saying that a spouse has a right to know that his/her spouse has a lover, except when the lover turns out to be her. You can't change your wife's behavior but you can certainly change yours and become a better human being in the process.

 

Here's something that just might help you and your wife's efforts to overcome this:

 

What To Do If Your Wife Ever Cheats On You (or, What To Do If Your Wife Has Cheated On You)

 

 

 

Now, I’ll say right up front that this is such a personal matter with so many variables that only you can decide how and what is the best way to deal with your wife’s infidelity. A person can decide that the marriage has been irreparably damaged and get a divorce. Or, a person can acknowledge their partner made a foolish mistake and forgive her for it and move on. If your case is such that you want to forgive your wife and move forward, then I would like to help you by explaining what forgiveness really means…

 

Forgiveness rarely means that someone comes to you, tells you they were wrong, and asks you to forgive them.

 

The tendency in people is to view the act of forgiving as an authority figure (themselves) granting forgiveness to a subject (the other person) who has begged and pleaded for forgiveness. In other words, they think of forgiveness as a ceremonial act of PARDONING another person.

 

In reality, forgiveness is picking the thorns of negativity out of your own mind.

 

Forgiveness is casting out the little black thoughts that would like to harbor in the shadows of your mind because of what someone else said or did.

 

Forgiveness is looking beyond your aggravations, irritations, justifications, and rationalizations.

 

Forgiveness is putting out of mind the many times others have pained you, upset you, and trod over you.

 

Forgiveness is refusing to become irritated, aggravated, and frustrated when someone does something you don’t like. It’s replacing the little “zing’s”, slurs, or comments you at first want to say with something that makes the other person feel good about themselves.

 

Forgiveness is no longer allowing it to bother you when others are too fast, too slow, too much, not enough, they did or they didn’t, etc.

 

Forgiveness is stepping outside of your own feelings based on your experiences and values and stepping into the experiences and values of the other person – and then being able to truly say, “I understand how you feel.”

 

If you’re unable to step into their experiences and values, then it’s accepting them as they are and saying, “You have a right to feel the way you do.” or, “I’ve never experienced that, but I think if I were in your place, I’d probably feel the same way you do.”

 

Forgiveness is keeping quiet when you really want to tell someone how irrational and illogical their behaviors and feelings are. The fact is, if you were in their shoes and had their reasons, you’d probably have the same behaviors and feelings.

 

Forgiving is choosing to look for and see only the good in others rather than entertaining thoughts of criticism, condemnation, or hatred.

 

Forgiveness is a lifestyle that does not expect individuals to be faultless – that does not cast people into roles of perfection – because expectations of perfection result in irritation and anger.

 

Forgiveness is a mindset that understands this person has been hurt by someone, someone has made them feel unwanted and unloved, that they didn’t matter, that they didn’t count.

 

Forgiveness is letting go of and giving no energy to the negative, the unpleasant, the undesirable, the unwanted that someone else has injected into your life. And probably, that person is totally indifferent about the whole situation and could care less whether what they did or said was what you wanted. And by you letting go and giving it no energy, that’s forgiveness…and you can do that as frequently and often as you need to, can’t you?

 

FOR you must GIVE up on harboring anything in your mind that’s not what you want in your life – as your dominant thoughts become what you attract more of. And, after you’re through FORGIVING everyone and everything (including yourself if need be), that leaves nothing in your mind but LOVING POWER – the most influential and persuasive power there is.

 

Understanding, empathy, and tolerance melt away annoyance, judgment, irritation, and aggravation – all of which is summed up in a single word: forgiveness.

 

Pause for a moment and consider these two quotes from Richard Nixon:

 

1. “The greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes when you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes; because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain... Always give your best. Never get discouraged. Never be petty. Always remember: Others may hate you. But those who hate you don't win, unless you hate them. And then, you destroy yourself.”

 

2. “I’ve not lost until I hate as I’ve been hated.”

 

I never knew Richard Nixon nor have I ever bothered to study out the Watergate Scandal but these quotes make it clear to me that President Nixon understood what it meant to forgive – even though no one else was asking him for forgiveness.

 

Think of that! Can you begin to fathom how much POWER and FLEXIBILITY this kind of a forgiving attitude gives you?

 

Bottom line, forgiveness is for YOU so that your spirit soars free, your mind functions clear and powerfully, your feelings support you positively, and your wife-seduction results are outstanding.

 

Good luck.

[OpenBook]

The truth is never about control. The truth will come out in some form or manner.

 

It aint about control.

 

Why do people say that???

 

Because it IS about control. Relationships are a constant power struggle. Don't deny the truth.

[Geishawhelk]

The truth is never about control. The truth will come out in some form or manner.

 

It aint about control.

 

Why do people say that???

 

Because I'm afraid that's exactly what it's about. any form of dispute in a relationship - either subtle or inyourface - is about exerting some kind of Control over the other person. Three years in Counselling and marriage prep ('giving', not 'receiving'!) taught me that....

 

I can go over this in some other thread if you'd like to discuss it...

I don't want to hyjack this thread, but we can go into it elsewhere.....

[Chrome Barracuda]

Because it IS about control. Relationships are a constant power struggle. Don't deny the truth.

 

 

Huh , since when is a relationship a power struggle. I thought they were more often than not a partnership. 50/50.

 

There is no power struggles in a relationship.

 

What kind of relationship are you having because if you seeing it that way then your wrong.

 

And I mean to say the poster should not only ber truthful about his wife but about he himself. 100%!!!!

 

Tell everything.

 

The truth shall set you free. If he's willing to own up to his bad choices and repent things coud be better. but it takes two.

 

Why is it, when men cheat we're all dogs but when women cheat they just try to justify it at every turn. She was neglected, her husband worked too much. boo hoo.

 

Give me a break.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I made a mistake. No matter what is going on with our lives a affair is not going to help.

 

I again became very lonely and frustrated that lead me down the road to a second affair. Yet another great mistake I have made.

Wow, you sure make alot of 'mistakes,' don't you?

 

Bottom line it appeared I contracted gential warts from my last affair and we did not disclose this to the counsler.

Oh goodie. You contracted genital warts which are caused by the HPV virus. Of course, giving that to your wife - if it's one of the more dangerous strains of HPV - could cause cervical cancer for her. Nice.

 

But I never had a affair with a married women. I didn't have the affairs to inflict pain into our marriage.

Does it honestly MATTER what your intention was or whether the women you screwed were married or not? That makes YOUR sins less than hers?

 

Yes I made mistakes. But does that make it ok for her to have intercourse with Bill??

She was wrong to insinuate herself into someone else's marriage and even go so far as to have sex with this neanderthal in his marital home and marital bed. If she wanted revenge on you so bad, she could have done something that didn't require hurting yet ANOTHER innocent party - this scumbag's innocent wife who was off working to help support the family while this mouth-breather was bringing another woman into his home to have sex. Your wife was a complete scumbag for going along with it.

 

The two of them completed almost every sexual act.

Well, no doubt, the gal who gave you genital warts was probably quite the sexual "dynamo" herself and you probably got to do everything with HER that your wife was doing with her MM. You don't get genital warts from sitting home and reading your bible. Sounds as though you chose a 'loose' one to have an affair with the 2nd time around. Again - your point?

 

One of the sexual acts they completed she would not allow me to do for several years of our marriage!

Aww, you poor deprived guy.

 

She has offered little to no remorse or sorrow for he actions. She will tell me that she is sorry for hurting me but will justify her actions.

Yup, that's what eventually happens when you're married to someone who makes it a habit of screwing around on you - especially when you're suffereing from a medical condition. Wasn't that the reason for your first affair? She had a medical condition? Gosh, the loyalty.

 

(2nd) I want to let Bill's wife know what Bill and my wife have done.

And you should. "Bill" is an utter scumbag and his wife SHOULD know what she's married to.

 

My wife has asked me not to tell her. She tells me that Bill was just a revenge affair and he means nothing to her.

Who CARES what your wife thinks or feels? This isn't ABOUT her or whether she wanted revenge or not. It's about Bill's WIFE knowing the reality of what she's married to. Tell the BW.

 

It is not fair that I have to take all this pain and he gets to walk away.

Welcome to your WIFE'S world. You've put her through this crap TWICE. Guess you forgot that, didn't you?

 

So I am asking you, should I inform Bill's wife of the affair??? I already have a nice packect of information to drop off to her. What would you do?

TELL HER.

 

What do you think about this whole mess???????? We do have two kids to think about.

I think the two of you put the 'fun' in dysFUNction.

[Tomcat33]

I think your marriage should have ended after the first affair, but what do I know....

 

Your marriage was going nowhere then and it proceeded to continue on the same downward spiral after that. It's obvious your W won't leave, not because she loves and admires you still but because she just doesn't want to give up her comfy lifestyle, and in fact it is the EXACT same reason you won't leave her and keep making these "woops..." "mistakes" Those aren't mistakes. You want to be happy but are too chicken to make a move into the unknown. Councelling rarely works in mending affairs, you can't kill the pain, anger and resentment no matter how many "tools" you are given to fight with just as you can't make someone respect you who has lost total and complete respect for you, the heart is a fragile organ but it has a mind of its own.

 

I would forget about telling Bill's W she prob already knows much like your W knew about you and continued to be with you so do yourself a favour and stay out of it. Are you really in any shape or form to be fixing other people's problems? Or what do you wish to get out of it because you personally will win absolutely nothing by telling on him. If I were you I would spend my energy fixing the HUGE problem I have at home and leave other's problems to themselves.

 

It's clear both you and your W have lost COMPLETE respect for each other and it appears this happened way before the first affair even took place, and it is also clear neither one of you is going anywhere so just become swingers. Win-win, no one moves everyone gets laid, out in the open, you sleep in the basement she sleeps in the matrimonial bed.... no harm done. Just don't let the kids find out what a mess their parents are, no child should have to bear that cross.

[TMCM]

Why is it, when men cheat we're all dogs but when women cheat they just try to justify it at every turn. She was neglected, her husband worked too much. boo hoo.

 

Give me a break.

 

Because the perception is that when men cheat we do so to strokes our egos and that when women cheat it is because they have been emotionally neglected by their husbands. BOTH are generalizations that only help advance the agenda of misandrist feminists but do nothing to help both genders towards healing and rebuilding their marriages and their lives. Luckily for us, the majority of the women here don't buy the argument that female infidelity is justified while male infidelity is not. Both are wrong and unjustifiable.

 

As far as the control issue is concerned, didn't the owner of this thread say that his wife made life for him a living hell the first year after she found out about his first affair, and that he finally told her that unless she stopped, that he was going to end the marriage? So as you can see, it is not just one gender that indulges in "controlling" behavior. I find the whole issue of "controlling" nothing but a red herring, usually brought up by the cheating spouse.

[TMCM]

I would forget about telling Bill's W she prob already knows much like your W knew about you and continued to be with you so do yourself a favour and stay out of it.

 

I disagree for in many cases, the betrayed spouse is totally oblivious as to the cheating spouse's affair(s). As I said before, this may not be Bill's only affair. Nobody has a right to knowingly hide the truth from her for to do so makes that people who know about the affair, ACCESSORIES/FACILITATORS OF THE AFFAIR.

[michaelk]

I disagree for in many cases, the betrayed spouse is totally oblivious as to the cheating spouse's affair(s). As I said before, this may not be Bill's only affair. Nobody has a right to knowingly hide the truth from her for to do so makes that people who know about the affair, ACCESSORIES/FACILITATORS OF THE AFFAIR.

 

There are only two reasons to tell OMW about the affair: 1) revenge, 2) to help her. Revenge is never constructive. And don't assume that you know what's best for OMW. Sometimes, telling the truth can be more hurtful to people than allowing events to take their natural course.

 

The OP needs to clean up his own house and stop worrying about the OM.

[michaelk]

Understanding, empathy, and tolerance melt away annoyance, judgment, irritation, and aggravation – all of which is summed up in a single word: forgiveness.

 

That whole quote you posted is very nice. (I'm not re-quoting it all because it's just too large.) It does a good job of explaining how to be understanding, empathetic and tolerant. But it's not really about forgiveness, per se. It's about steps that help you reach the point where you can forgive.

 

Forgiveness comes when you no longer hold anger, resentment or feelings of hurt toward someone. As long as you have these feelings, you can't truly forgive because you will be unable to completely set aside the wrong that you feel was done to you. If you are understanding, empathetic and tolerant, you will set aside your feelings of hurt much more quickly, and therefore be able to forgive sooner.

 

Just my .02.