katty774 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I have done my best to avoid my ex and now that he has a new gf I try even harder, Well now today I find out my sister has invited him to her wedding. He is coming and bringing the gf. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when she told me this. I have been so depressed lately and I have gained 15 lbs, some lose weight when depressed but I am an emotional eater. I had already gained 10 and now I have to go to my sisters wedding alone and fat. I am so depressed, if it wasn't my sisters wedding I wouldn't go. I wish I could hire someone totally awesome to go with me to my sisters wedding and have them act all crazy about me but who am I kidding. God this sucks so bad. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I have nothing going in my life.
s_n_d Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I have done my best to avoid my ex and now that he has a new gf I try even harder, Well now today I find out my sister has invited him to her wedding. He is coming and bringing the gf. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when she told me this. I have been so depressed lately and I have gained 15 lbs, some lose weight when depressed but I am an emotional eater. I had already gained 10 and now I have to go to my sisters wedding alone and fat. I am so depressed, if it wasn't my sisters wedding I wouldn't go. I wish I could hire someone totally awesome to go with me to my sisters wedding and have them act all crazy about me but who am I kidding. God this sucks so bad. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I have nothing going in my life. You have to do the only thing you can do.. Go out..work out and meet new people.. And I know its not that easy..Easier said than done.. By the time of your sisters wedding you will have lost whatever you gained and perhaps have a date or a cute friend to bring with you. What else CAN you do.
Ariadne Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I wish I could hire someone totally awesome to go with me to my sisters wedding and have them act all crazy about me but who am I kidding. Haha... Yeah, that sucks. Maybe they won't show up though. Good luck.
Author katty774 Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 her wedding is less than a month away and she just now told me. Also I live in a town where there is no singles. I live in a very small town. I have a great job but no way of meeting new people. I wish I didn't have to go. I can't understand why he feels the need to come to my sisters wedding. He use to talk about my entire family like crap, now he is coming to her wedding. He knows our breakup was hard on me and now he wants to come with his gf and make me feel even worse. I just don't understand why he has to come.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 why is he invited? seriously, what is wrong with your sister that she would do something so insensitive and stupid? i understand she is the bride and it's 'her day' and all that crap, but really...how selfish. if she absolutely felt she had to invite him (which i doubt) she could have consulted you first and at least considered your feelings and opinion...and shhe could have done this a while ago. not to mention, she could have only invited him and not a guest of his. proper etiquette does not require that you let every invited guest bring a guest as well, especially if the invited guest is dating someone new. usually only well-established couples are meant to be invited together. i'm so sorry for your situation. i would feel exactly as you do. i hope you find a way to work this out.
Author katty774 Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 I don't know what my sister was thinking. as I type this I am crying my eyes out and shaking all over. I thought it was going to be bad enough going all alone but now I find out she has invited his entire family but only his brother and their gfs are coming. Isn't that special. I found out today when I talked to my sister that he has brought the gf over to her house to meet her. I would never put her in that situation.
Geishawhelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You know, in any case...at the end of the day - it's your sister's wedding. You have to get over this. But really, if you stay entrenched in the bitterness and nastiness of it all, nobody's gonna suffer - but you. So ask yourself - "do I want to keep doing this to myself?" because that's where it all starts. And ends. In your own head.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 You know, in any case...at the end of the day - it's your sister's wedding. You have to get over this. But really, if you stay entrenched in the bitterness and nastiness of it all, nobody's gonna suffer - but you. So ask yourself - "do I want to keep doing this to myself?" because that's where it all starts. And ends. In your own head. really? i think the fact that her own sister doesn't give a hoot what she thinks is a real problem, not just something she should suck up and deal with. letting people who are supposed to care about you walk all over you without standing up for yourself isn't healthy at all. i'm not saying she should ruin the wedding, but i think how she is being treated by her own sister begs for some discussion over how it can be avoided in the future. katty, do you usually get along with your sister? was she friends with your ex for a long time or something? i'm just trying to find a rhyme or reason for her behaviour, and i'm not coming up with much.
Author katty774 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Yes they have been friends for a while and she is relatively close to his other brother but I am hurt and angry bc my sister didn't take my feelings in consideration. My sister and I get along great, but this just kills me. I wish he wouldn't come. Why would he want to? Bigger question why would his gf want to? I mean it would be different if I was the one that ended the rs and he wanted revenge but he is the one that ended it and started seeing someone else. They have to know that this would be hard for me so why would they want to put me thru this at my own sisters wedding?
oppath Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Well, if she was friends with her ex -- and I mean good friends, not friends through you -- she has a right to invite him. Does she know you are still hurt by the breakup? I think you have the right to bring it up to your sister, though casually. Just say "you know, I'm a little worried about ex being there. I'm still hurt and don't know how I will feel if I see him with his new girlfriend. I'm really anxious about it." See where the conversation goes from there. It likely won't lead to him being uninvited but it might alleviate your anxiety. And ultimately, you WILL COPE with this. You will be fine. I understand you will feel panicky and emotional, but you will cope with it. You will.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Well, if she was friends with her ex -- and I mean good friends, not friends through you -- she has a right to invite him. Does she know you are still hurt by the breakup? I think you have the right to bring it up to your sister, though casually. Just say "you know, I'm a little worried about ex being there. I'm still hurt and don't know how I will feel if I see him with his new girlfriend. I'm really anxious about it." See where the conversation goes from there. It likely won't lead to him being uninvited but it might alleviate your anxiety. And ultimately, you WILL COPE with this. You will be fine. I understand you will feel panicky and emotional, but you will cope with it. You will. i agree with this. i do think it sucks that your sister did this, and i do think it is very selfish and unfair of her...but maybe a little part of you will be able to deal with it a little better if you talk to her and at least feel like your feelings were heard. maybe? what do you think?
lindya Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) If this were me I'd calmly tell my sister "sorry, but I won't be going to your wedding." If she stamped her feet, howled, told me not to be so immature and ranted about it being her big day, I'd stick to my guns and say "I'm sorry you're upset, but I know you're going to have a fantastic day with or without me there." Would it cause a family rift? Maybe, and maybe you'll care so much that you'll put yourself through this piece of social torture. How many more bits and pieces of social torture might you put yourself through in life before you decide "I don't have to put myself through unnecessarily painful or humiliating situations for other people's sake. I can do what I like....that involves walking away when other people present me with situations that push me to my limits. Regardless or who they are, or what the situation is." Is this why you overeat when you're depressed? Swallowing your anger? What's that phrase so many people like to use right now...."suck it up"??? Such a delightful, empowering phrase...I don't think. At the moment, you're in "I am in this horrid position and have no way out" mode. You do have a way out. If it's going to be that crappy for you, you really don't have go....and you don't have to give a spend your life feeling guilty and fretting about what others think/say about that. When you adopt that attitude, people either cut you out of their lives completely, or they treat you with more respect. Either way, in the long term you'll see improvements. Edited January 13, 2008 by lindya
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 If this were me I'd calmly tell my sister "sorry, but I won't be going to your wedding." If she stamped her feet, howled, told me not to be so immature and ranted about it being her big day, I'd stick to my guns and say "I'm sorry you're upset, but I know you're going to have a fantastic day with or without me there." Would it cause a family rift? Maybe, and maybe you'll care so much that you'll put yourself through this piece of social torture. How many more bits and pieces of social torture might you put yourself through in life before you decide "I don't have to put myself through unnecessarily painful or humiliating situations for other people's sake. I can do what I like....that involves walking away when other people present me with situations that push me to my limits. Regardless or who they are, or what the situation. Is this why you overeat when you're depressed? Swallowing your anger? What's that phrase so many people like to use right now...."suck it up"??? At the moment, you're "I am in this horrid position and have no way out" mode. You do have a way out. If it's going to be that crappy for you, you really don't have go....and you don't have to give a spend your life feeling guilty and fretting about what others think/say about that. When you adopt that attitude, people either cut you out of their lives completely, or they treat you with more respect. Either way, in the long term you'll see improvements. well-said. very well-said, and so true. if you want to go to your sister's wedding, then try to talk to her and see what can be done and what happens as a result. but if you really feel strongly about this, then do what lindya says. look out for yourself, because right now, no one else is. make yourself happy.
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi, If this were me I'd calmly tell my sister "sorry, but I won't be going to your wedding." Don't listen to this bs. No need to be afraid of the guy or the gf. If anything, get drunk or something. They probably won't show up anyway. Ariadne
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi, If this were me I'd calmly tell my sister "sorry, but I won't be going to your wedding." Don't listen to this bs. No need to be afraid of the guy or the gf. If anything, get drunk or something. They probably won't show up anyway. Ariadne katty, ignore this. many of us are usually asking what planet ariadne is on. you're not wrong because of how you feel. in this case 'quietly' means in a mature manner, without making a big deal or a scene, so you're being taken seriously. if you come off as whiny and complain-y, people are less likely to want to listen. that's all.
marlena Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Your sister should not have invited him. But she has. So Go looking your best with your head held high and flirt outrageously with any male who happens to be within a two inch radius. Find something nice to wear - basic black - stand tall and proud - and keep repeating to yourself these words, "Scr** them."
lindya Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 well-said. very well-said, and so true. Thanks KA...I suspect you'll be in a minority group agreeing with me there, but I'm glad I'm not the only person who sees it this way. It just seems to me that so much advice on this board is geared towards telling people they have to suck up sh*tty situations - when really they don't have to. They might choose to. Katty might, for instance, choose to go to this wedding and deal with the discomfort - electing to treat it as a toughening up, character building exercise. If she makes that choice, she might well end up handling the situation with a bit of class and confidence. Anyone who gives her the message that she has to go....that she's duty-bound to. Well, that's about the most disempowering message you can give a person in this situation.
marlena Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 katty, ignore this. many of us are usually asking what planet ariadne is on. you're not wrong because of how you feel. Not so. Ariadne makes more "succint" sense than many other people's long and regurgitated posts in here.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Not so. Ariadne makes more "succint" sense than many other people's long and regurgitated posts in here. according to you, so you're not one of the many. congratulations. anyway, let us know what happens, katty. please keep us posted, okay?
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Not so. Ariadne makes more "succint" sense than many other people's long and regurgitated posts in here. Hehe... Thanks camarade. I know, why would she miss her sister's wedding, such an important day this is going to be a day to remember ever... because of some guy? That's so dumb.
marlena Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 according to you, so you're not one of the many. congratulations I never said that I wasn't one of the many. This is your very own inference which, of course, you are entitled to.
quankanne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Your sister should not have invited him. But she has. So Go looking your best with your head held high and flirt outrageously with any male who happens to be within a two inch radius. Find something nice to wear - basic black - stand tall and proud - and keep repeating to yourself these words, "Scr** them." this is probably the best advice given so far, though others have some good points, too. bottom line: The situation sucks, yes, and ideally your sister should have been a bit more sensitive to your needs but she wasn't. Your choices are to remain miserable about the whole thing – and you have every right to do just that – or you do like marlena suggests and go with your head held high. because even though you might upset about the whole thing, another part of you will feel good about being able to navigate the whole evening using every bit of class you possess. It'll be hard, but not impossible, and frankly, your spirits can use the feeling of accomplishment you'll feel afterward. You CAN move past the hurt feelings toward your sister and your ex guy, but only if you give yourself permission to do so. besides, I think there's a certain satisfaction at showing someone who hurt you badly that you've moved past their petty treatment of you and are now find you living on your terms I say swallow your worries and allow yourself to have a little bit of fun with this
marlena Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hehe... Thanks camarade. I know, why would she miss her sister's wedding, such an important day this is going to be a day to remember ever... because of some guy? That's so dumb. Hail, camarade! No, never. I wouldn't miss my sister's wedding for any guy! I
Author katty774 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 She knows how I feel, I told her today when she dropped the bomb on me. As for telling my sister that I will not come to the wedding, that is not an option. Even though what she has done upsets me I can't or won't do anything to stress her out or upset her bc I know I have to be the bigger person. I really don't want to go to the wedding now but I love my sister and want her to have her special day. I just hate myself right now. I know I am throwing a pity party, but then again it is Sat. night. My friend just reminded me of that by calling me from the bar and trying to get me to come out with her and her husband. I am just going to hang out at home though. I am a basket case.
marlena Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 because even though you might upset about the whole thing, another part of you will feel good about being able to navigate the whole evening using every bit of class you possess. Exactly!! Walk in there as if you were "your Highness, the Majesty." Pretend if you have, too! You can do it and come out a winner! Remember.
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