BaD_Day Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I'm 21 (in college)... and for some reason I can't get a girl I like to like me back... i'm not sure where the problem lies... I've never had a "real date"... and I'm like a super noob in this dating bussiness. I've had girls that liked me... but they're not what i'm looking for, so I really have no experience of courting a girl. I'm extremely shy and the girl i like is someone i had a crush on during HS (long story...)... i just saw her again in college, we're still friends and i really don't want to screw that up by being too agressive... I don't even know if she still with her BF... I'm kindda sick of being the nice guy who gets walk over when it's time to fight for a girl... How would you guys approach this problem? try to sniff out if she has a BF? Is it wierd for me to ask her to go eat sometimes and try to get some info out of her? The only thing I don't want to do is for her to feel weird around me... She's a really nice girl and I don't want to make her uncomfortable in any way. In a serious note... I never thought of me as the problem because i've always been a decent performer on most of the stuff I do (academic, sports, socializing)... for some reason I just have a horrible time when it comes to courting girls. Now that i sit down and think about it, I think i might be the problem after all.
Lucasarts Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 well its hard to really help you out if you yourself cant identify the problem that you have (aside from the lack of xperience with dating/flirting and getting the girls you want to like you back) But heres some questions i'd like to ask you, so maybe i can give u a better answer: 1. You say that there have been girls who like you, the question is why do they like you? what qualities do you exhibit to them that make them like you? 2. How do you know if a girl likes you or not? What indicates that they do or dont like you? 3. So you can socialize decently, but who with? mostly males or females? And why are you extremely shy? (just around girls in general? or girls you like?) 4. The way you ask your questions about this girl you like...how good of friends are you guys? and why do you feel that it would be weird to question her interests and personality? Being friends is a good start, and friends usually share personal interests and feelings and events that have happened to them to each other. 5. Your approach to this girl is already flawed. Stop trying to see her as your girlfriend, because that most likely will not happen (especially with your lack of experience and knowledge and shyness) until you are comfortable with her and vice versa. Think about what it is that makes you nervous/scared of her? is it her looks? her body? her mind? her charisma? I'm trying to figure out your personality and hopefully help identify the problem(s?) that you have. A lot of problem solving and recognition comes when you really probe yourself for the reasons why you behave the way you do. They may not seem glaring at first, but if a problem is there, it will reveal itself. 5.
Author BaD_Day Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 (edited) well its hard to really help you out if you yourself cant identify the problem that you have (aside from the lack of xperience with dating/flirting and getting the girls you want to like you back) But heres some questions i'd like to ask you, so maybe i can give u a better answer: 1. You say that there have been girls who like you, the question is why do they like you? what qualities do you exhibit to them that make them like you? 2. How do you know if a girl likes you or not? What indicates that they do or dont like you? 3. So you can socialize decently, but who with? mostly males or females? And why are you extremely shy? (just around girls in general? or girls you like?) 4. The way you ask your questions about this girl you like...how good of friends are you guys? and why do you feel that it would be weird to question her interests and personality? Being friends is a good start, and friends usually share personal interests and feelings and events that have happened to them to each other. 5. Your approach to this girl is already flawed. Stop trying to see her as your girlfriend, because that most likely will not happen (especially with your lack of experience and knowledge and shyness) until you are comfortable with her and vice versa. Think about what it is that makes you nervous/scared of her? is it her looks? her body? her mind? her charisma? I'm trying to figure out your personality and hopefully help identify the problem(s?) that you have. A lot of problem solving and recognition comes when you really probe yourself for the reasons why you behave the way you do. They may not seem glaring at first, but if a problem is there, it will reveal itself. 5. Thanks for the quick respond, i'm trying to figure it out myself... but i've realize that i probably need some other views because obviously I can't see it clearly enough. 1-2) To be honest, I very bad at reading people, the only times i know is when the girls asked me out... and being as honest as I am, I just nicely told them that I wasn't interested... Primary because I liked someone else. I enjoy watching comedy and i guess some of it sticks, most of my friends and even some of my teachers have told me i'm pretty funny... other wise i'm pretty normal, i'm not too overweight (played sports in HS but not anymore, so i've gain a bit of weight but not too much). Other wise i'm pretty handy with tools, very good with technology (one of my hobby) and I've have decent knowledge of alot of other things... I sing casually (enter local competitions and stuff)... I used to played chess... i guess you call it the trick of all trades but master of none lol. NOT a hard worker... lay back kinda person... I do think that I don't get notice or I give off the vibe as "super nice"... someone to ask questions, but not the type that give off the manly vibe. I'm super safe, I will not do anything that will get me in hard situation, i think it's a turn off to women because they see me as someone who will never take the risk... (which is dam true). I'm also very self conscious about my look, i had acne when i was a kid, it's much less now but I don't have the great skins that normal people have, I think it's to the point of lowering my selfesteem. 3) I'm very easy going, I don't have alot of close friends (i dunno why but i guess that's why you call them close friends, there aren't many). But normally I can make friends with people in classes pretty easy, just talking in general, I have alot of knowledge on different subjects so I can pretty much carry on a conversation easily. I don't talk alot with girls though, it's hard because I keep having this feeling that if I talk to them as stranger they might think that i'm hitting on them... I tend to avoid crowded places, friends ask me to go to clubs with them but I never did because it just wasn't my thing... I don't think it'll ever change. I guess you can say i'm only shy when it's the girl I like. 4) I know her in HS, well actually middle school, but we didn't really talked in middle school, we went to the same HS and had a bunch of classes together, we where in the same sport team together. I asked her to go to a small dance (HS) but she said she was going with her friends (now i realized that was the wrong thing to do, even though she did went with her friends (bunch of girls), I should have been a little calmer with the situation, but what do i know, i was a HS kid haha). We're now in the same college, i see her now and then, don't have the same class though. I don't know if it's just me (which I think it is) but i've always have problem talking about personal stuff, I don't like talking about my personal stuff and I just feels that others might be the same.... 5) I don't think I'm scare of her, I just don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me if I asked her and she doesn't like me... I guess you can call it the fear of rejection... Now i'm not sure if it's ok to be liking an old friend like that... but if you ask me, i just can't help it.. wierd thing is, she's not extremely pretty or have a smoking body, she's a pretty normal gal who i think as a great personality. Edited January 13, 2008 by BaD_Day
Lucasarts Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 thanks for answering my questions, and i think i know what the problems are that you have. I'm going to give responses according to the responses you gave me ( i wont answer everything, as i only am going to point out the points i think are most glaring/important): 1. So girls like you because you have a sense of humor and your funny. Thats a good thing, if you can make a girl laugh, then you're one foot in the door (well thats how i see it, and a girl that laughs at what you say/do (unless its something degrading or embarrassing to you) is a great thing). Being a "jack of all trades and a master of none" isn't a bad thing, it just goes to show that you can learn something quickly and be good at it, yet never really becoming the best at the craft. This will help you to learn to pick up on your social skills with girls and reading their body language. You also say your self-conscious, with a bit of an acne problem; (dont worry about being self-conscious, most people are) the acne can be fixed, if its really affecting your self-esteem that much, then i would def. try to get it cleared up (try seeing a dermatologist). Although it may affect your physical appearance, it doesnt necessarily create the image of who you are. 2.Being super-safe (someone who likes to stay in their comfort zone and not risk doing anything that would hurt them or put them in an uncomfortable position) is not going to help you progress/overcome your social anxiety with girls. This is probably one of the main reasons that you feel the way you do and act the way you do with girls. You need to learn to break out of your shell and realize that life is more than just what you know is safe; you only live this life once so you have to make the best of it, or it will always be filled with regrets and wishes. 3. So you're not afraid to talk to fellow males in your classes, which means you have the social skills to relate to people. Your knowledge of various subjects is good, as you said, because it helps to keep a conversation going. You say that your only shy when its the girl you like, HOWEVER, you say you tend to avoid crowded places (filled with both males and females) and that you dont talk to girls because of how they may feel about you. This here tells me that you're shy with all girls, each for different reasons. WHen its a girl you just meet, you're too afraid of what they'll think of you and that reflects on your self-esteem (which is apparently low, but can be fixed if the desire is there). Tell me, how does a relationship between a guy and girl start? A girl just doesn't get dropped off at your doorstep and wants to spend every waking minute with you and love you (only in a perfect world...) for everything you are. Girls are human beings, just like guys, they think, act, eat, drink, fart, piss, clean, etc. This also means they talk, and communication is THE FUNDAMENTAL factor in starting a relationship with ANYONE. You shouldnt be afraid of what a girl may think of you if you just start talking to them. Heck, if your a smart, funny guy who can hold a good conversation and keep it going, a lot of girls will be wanting to just talk to you. And unless your making it blatantly obvious that your hitting on them (you give them compliments and flirt with them a lot) 99.9% of the girls wont run away when you open your mouth and talk to them. Stop over analyzing each girl and finding a reason to not talk to them, because right now your over-achieving in that field and its only making you feel worse. Also it would help that you go out more with your friends and become more social and feel more comfortable in a social environment (you dont need to go and talk to anyone, just hang out with your friends and have a good time; for a laid-back guy, you seem to be very worried and anxious about the way others think of you). 4. So this girl that you're attracted to is not smoking hot, but has a great personality and is attractive to your mind. Thats good, because honestly, if you find her attractive, who cares what others think? From what i make of this, you seem to like her for the few moments you spend time with her (which i am guessing is in the classes you share and the occasional run-ins around campus). This is good because it means that for the brief time you've guys shared together, shes made an impression on you (thats not about her looks). What you need to do now is try becoming FRIENDS with her, not just an old schoolmate/associate that she can talk to. Ask her to hang out with you, maybe even invite her along with your friends to do something. Just hang out with her more and outside of school. I know that you're probably not going to do this because of how shy and anxious you are around girls (and especially with those you like) but at least start talking to more girls and befriending them (practice on the ones you have no attraction to, as they'll help you build confidence and comfort with talking to girls). Also, learn to open up a little, because being a closed individual pretty much shuts off a lot of avenues of personal communication and advancement of a relationship. You dont need to spill your guts out to someone all at once, but just start sharing little stories about yourself every now and then when the moment feels appropriate. You'll realize that its not as bad as you think, and when someone starts opening up to you, its a sign of trust and thus a strengthening of the relationship shared between you two. 5. Fear of rejection huh? Well, EVERYONE has either HAD this fear or still HAS it (like you). THe fact of the matter is, rejection happens to everyone, girls and guys are picky about who they choose as their partner and as their friends. We all have different reasons for liking or disliking somebody, whether it be physical or mental, and so that is why we dont just immediately take in the first person we meet to be our lovers. But the truth of the matter is this, we'll never know how someone really feels until you take that plunge. If you hit a wall your first few times, it happens, but each time it gets easier. When a girl likes you for who you are, then you'll realize that all those times you were rejected paid off, because now you found someone who wants you and you want her. If only we could just know immediately if a girl liked you or disliked you... which in a way we can, but thats called body language. The signs of attraction my friend can be a powerful and very helpful tool to understanding and reading a girls thoughts/feelings. Look into body language and how to read it, and it'll help give you an idea of whether a girl thinks your a freak/creep, or if your someone nice and special, or even someone that turns her on. I'm sorta sick of writing as this took me like 45 mins to write but i hope this helps...i'll b back later
Author BaD_Day Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks for the reply, I really learned quite a bit from your post. But i'm sort of running into a brick wall here. I don't do alot of things with friends... so the thing about "doing things outside of school" is a little difficult for me... any suggestions to expand on this? One fact that gets left out haha. I'm the only child, doing/playing alone is probably my strongest point (lol i know... this type of personality isn't developed in 1 day... it kindda contribute to my ability to do most things alone...). So group activities isn't my big thing, I used to do community service with class mates or church group activities. But I just don't feel that it's appropriate to hit on girls @ those spots. i'm picking my hair right now to think of something that's appropriate for "friends" to do together... sorry for being so slow with this... i'm just so green at this stuff. I guess I never really thought about it that much, all these years I've always felt that alot of those HS kids gets BF/GF just to be "cool" and I dispite that, so I really never get to walk in the field and test the water... Lately i've feel a little different... and perhaps it's about time i start learning the bussiness before it's way to late to turn back. Sometimes i asks myself if I'm walking in the wrong direction where i keep dwelling on 1 girl all these years. Some would tell me to let it go and start fresh because it's stupid to not be able to let go of a hopeless situation, but i feels as if it'll was my failure and if I should restart and finish what i've started. Besides, call it stupid or "listen to my heart", for some reason I can't seems to let it go.
Lucasarts Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 honestly, i would just try to be more outgoing, because as you become more social and friendly and more receptive to others, then progressing to being more friendly and less awkward around girls will get a lot easier. It seems that you are really anti-social, as that you can socialize but dont necessarily seem to enjoy it (you're more of a loner) which isnt a bad thing, it just doesnt get you many people to be attracted/drawn into you (people see u as a loner, making it harder for them to really relate and interact with you successfully). I'd strongly suggest working on your anti-social behaviors before really starting to think about any girls. You have to break out of your shell, and its all up to you to do this, i can only tell you what to do, but i cant make you do anything. And yes stop thinking about this girl, because honestly, i dont see you having any real chance with her until you straighten out your problems first. A girl should be the last thing in your mind, the focus for you is making a personality change to yourself so that you can actually do more than obsess over girls...you can actually talk and relate and be happy with them.
Author BaD_Day Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 honestly, i would just try to be more outgoing, because as you become more social and friendly and more receptive to others, then progressing to being more friendly and less awkward around girls will get a lot easier. It seems that you are really anti-social, as that you can socialize but dont necessarily seem to enjoy it (you're more of a loner) which isnt a bad thing, it just doesnt get you many people to be attracted/drawn into you (people see u as a loner, making it harder for them to really relate and interact with you successfully). I'd strongly suggest working on your anti-social behaviors before really starting to think about any girls. You have to break out of your shell, and its all up to you to do this, i can only tell you what to do, but i cant make you do anything. And yes stop thinking about this girl, because honestly, i dont see you having any real chance with her until you straighten out your problems first. A girl should be the last thing in your mind, the focus for you is making a personality change to yourself so that you can actually do more than obsess over girls...you can actually talk and relate and be happy with them. you're right, got to start somewhere... let me find some books to read on the subject and see how it goes... Thanks alot, i truely needed some different perspective on this situation. It's so common for me to solve problems on my own that sometimes i just can't think outside the box.
Legend Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Bad Day, you need to man the hell up. Break the uneasiness, ask her out on a date, if she says no then no biggie, move on to the next. It's unrealistic that you would even marry her. There's plenty of women out there, just get your feet wet already!
Author BaD_Day Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Bad Day, you need to man the hell up. Break the uneasiness, ask her out on a date, if she says no then no biggie, move on to the next. It's unrealistic that you would even marry her. There's plenty of women out there, just get your feet wet already! you know, that's the other advice people have given me, seems like 2 totally different approach... not sure if i can man up and do it... i'm gonna need some times to think this over.
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