johan Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think I'm done. I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see looking back. I suddenly look old and unhealthy. Especially around my eyes. What the hell happened to me anyway? I used to look good. I can't think where to turn. When I was younger I always thought there were answers to any problem out there. I just had to talk to the right person. Friends: it's a rare friend who cares enough to really talk things through. And they don't have the answers. Family: I don't want my mom to worry or try to solve my problems. I don't want to talk to anyone else in my family about things. And they don't have the answers anyway. Therapists: I went to two in my life. They didn't have the answers. In fact, they were useless. LS: I don't post here much, except to entertain myself. Because no one here has answers. I don't worry about things a lot, because I don't think about them a lot, because when I do I get depressed to the point of giving up and not doing anything. So I get up, climb out of my hole, and go move around in life and try to stay healthy and active. But the things I hate about my life and myself are always there. And they are an undercurrent in everything I do, whether I think about them or not. When I look in the mirror, I hate who I see. When I speak, I hate who I hear. When someone says something about me, I hate what they say. When I act, I hate what I do. And the best I can do is not think about it all too much. Keep it in the background. Tolerate it and forget it. As I get older it looks like there will be more things to hate, as the curtain of hope for change and a better future falls away and reveals more. Talking to people doesn't fix this. It doesn't change who you are. It doesn't fix your past. It doesn't change any of the facts. It can make you feel better about them, but it doesn't change them. After the conversation, you try to take away something permanent about how you feel about things. But it dissipates. And there's your life again. When I look in the mirror I see what all of this is doing to me.
Touche Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I honestly don't really know what to say, Johan. You really do have to come up with your own answers in life sometimes. You have to find your own way to happiness. I know that was no help but, for what it's worth, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Hugs.
JosieMcCoy Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 First off, that wasn't that cheerful!!! Second off, smile a bit, hon! Seriously, it helps! What you may want to do is make a list of all the good stuff in your life! For example, I have a friend dying of cancer. She probably won't be around in the next 5 months. I think she would trade places with you in a flash!!! Do you truly enjoy life for YOU, or others? Put YOU first babe! Just something to think about!
madgun68 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Johan, Your post is a hard one to respond to. A person generally wants to say something that is going to help in some way. Honestly though, there isn't a whole lot someone can say that will help. I'm not saying this to be negative; It is said out of sincerity. You are absolutely right in what you are saying. The people around you won't have the answers you are looking for. Those answers are going to have to come from within you. Even a therapist worth their salt can't provide anyone with answers; that isn't their role. All they can really do is probe and nudge a person in the right direction so they can find those answers from within themselves. This doesn't mean that hope is lost. There seems to be a lot bothering you and that can be quite daunting. A person in such a situation tends to see everything that they don't like all at once and the feeling that there's simply too much to tackle can take over. If this sounds familiar then I'll make a suggestion; It worked for me under similar circumstances and it certainly is something you may consider trying. Take out a sheet of paper and start writing. Write down the things about you and your life that you aren't happy with. You don't have to write it in one sitting. Keep that piece of paper around and add to it if other things come to mind. When you feel you are ready, it's time to put your blinders on. This is similar to what you see on a horse. The idea is to not let yourself become overwhelmed with everything all at once and lose focus. It's much easier to make a series of changes if you don't look them as a big pile of unhappiness. See them for what they really are which is a bunch of small things. Look through the list you have made. Give each item on the list some thought. Your goal right now is to choose what you feel is the easiest item on that list you can change. When you think you've found it, write down that item on a separate piece of paper and place it somewhere of prominence. The larger piece you may store someplace safe. This is your first goal. Place no time limits on it and don't give up if you aren't successful right away. Do what you can to make the change. If you can't do it alone, ask for assistance from those around you (There is no shame in doing so.) Look at that piece of paper from time to time to remind yourself of what you're doing and your goal. The goal, of course, is to make your life a happier one. There's a reason a person should start with something small. Completing the first change gives a person the taste of victory; You start to realize that life can be better if you work toward it. You also realize that there's hope. When the time comes that the first goal is completed, you do the same thing; Dig out that master list and pick the next easiest item. Write it down on a blank sheet of paper and place this in the same spot and work towards completing it. There is no wrong time in a your life to try to make it better. We may not be able to change our past but we are ALWAYS capable of changing our future.
Leoni Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Self-criticism can take the shape of a monstrous cilice or a six inch ruler. In shaping it into a cilice, we bleed ourselves dry. In externalizing that same cilice, we make others bleed with us, forcing them to walk away for the sake of self-protection. It's a personal choice to feed the monster.
sb129 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I heard you were a hottie Johan. On good recommendations too. I don't have anything more constructive to add, but I hope that gives you a little something to smile about.
Always Wrong Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Darnit johan... I've been reading, and trying to respond to, but mostly reading, peoples thoughts, fears, concerns, and joyful experiences here on LS for about a month or so. In this time I have read quite a bit from you. You may not think you have any answers, but you have contributed wit, laughter (you've made "me" laugh), caring responses, and thoughtful expression for all to share. Answers are not a cure-all. Knowing there are people who recognize you, or your avatar, and read what you have to say because they know it's YOU, should tell you something about yourself that will not show up in a mirror. I sincerly hope you get to feeling better. If you were my neighbor, I'd come running over with some scooby snacks to cheer you up, but you aren't, so I can't. All I can do is feel empathy. So cheer up and get back to being witty! You're good at it!
Nemo Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 What a heartwarming story. I can now wipe the forced smirk off my face, and greet life with a smile. Thank you so much, johan, for sharing your innermost feelings. I feel so much better about my own trapped existence, now. But you had better not be giving me false hope, or I'll be back to grind your nuts into pâté.
Touche Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You know I've been a member on here for over two years now and very few people stand out to me. Most just blend in. Most are interchangeable. But there are a few people on here who stood out right away. Their spirits and personalities just come across loud and clear. Johan was one of those few people. It's as you say Always Wrong, and you've been a member here for just a short time. But it doesn't matter what any of of us think. It's what Johan thinks of HIMSELF that really matters in the end. We all have good and bad parts. I think Johan is one who tends to dwell on the negative side of his personality. He will dwell and wallow. If we're talking about physical traits, he'll wallow on the negative there. Instead of focusing on what good shape he's in, he'll notice the lines and the bags around the eyes. Same with his personality. Instead of focusing and bringing out the better sides of his personality (the wit and sense of humor, the caring side, etc.) he'll focus on the negative sides. We ALL have crappy sides to us. Physically and personality-wise. I can write a laundry list of mine right now. I'm fully self-aware. But I can also write a whole list of my good personality and physical traits. And those are the ones I'd rather dwell on, focus on, and bring out more. And I do whatever I can to improve the negative. I never stop trying. I never stop thinking about where I've gone wrong. But I don't let it rule my entire life. I let the positives rule as much as I am able to. We can all fold up like cheap cameras if we let the negatives take over. My god, it would be overwhelming for most of us. But it's up to us to look within ourselves and find some good and to let that good in us be what guides us towards happiness.
carrotgirl Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Not hard for me to respond. Johan, I shiiit you not, I bopped on over hoping you were around because damn. I'm really morose and hating my life and you always do hit just the right tone with me. Neither too cheery nor too harsh or angst ridden. Anyway, then I saw your post and I wonder if what is plaguing me is similar for you. What I miss, what is still lacking, is a keeper of my history other than me. There is no witness to who I am, who I was, who I'm becoming. And without this, I'm stagnating. I'd like to know that someone gives a shiiit enough to hold me responsible for living by simply caring that I'm living. There is no living mirror held before me that says, you're okay Carrot or you look like shiiit Carrot.... Ya know? Outside of my career, no one does. My relatives certainly don't. It's not personal. It's just not in them to care about anything other than themselves. My siblings and my few close friends care but they have their own lives and children and they're busy with that. Then too, there is less and less commonality. I'm not married and I don't have a family. I can't relate to their lives either. My ex needs to concentrate on himself so I'm not looking for support there. The punishers are the life questions, is this really all there is? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? No wonder people have midlife crises. This is no way to live. I love my solitude too but this is not enough. LOL. If you lived anywhere near me I'd be asking you to join me at the pub for a beer and sandwich. We could bake brownies and feed them to Cat. I could say hey Johan, cut that shiiit out. You look just fine. And you could say, hey Carrot, when are you going to get your a$$$ into the shower? You're starting to get moldy. Or something.....
Nemo Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I could say hey Johan, cut that shiiit out. You look just fine. And you could say, hey Carrot, when are you going to get your a$$$ into the shower? You're starting to get moldy. Or something..... This thread has suddenly taken a romantic turn. I think I like where this is going.
Author johan Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 It sounds like you all understand. Even Nemo, I think. My life is pretty far out of balance right now, and it really gets me down sometimes. I'd love to just pop it right back in balance. But that's not realistic, and I also know I'm holding back from making progress in some ways. I can hold out hope that it will get worked out eventually, but hope comes and goes. When it goes, it really goes. I do need to address the issues that you all pointed out. Self-criticism has always been my worst enemy. And Leoni got that one just right (I had to look up cilice). I can't think of any time in my life when self-criticism did me any good at all. It's worth considering that some of what I criticize myself about is actually valid, but I'd like to think that at least some of it could go away.
Nemo Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 It's worth considering that some of what I criticize myself about is actually valid, but I'd like to think that at least some of it could go away. Mine went away eventually, but it took a frontal lobotomy. They said, "Just sign this to get a full frontal," and I suppose I got unnecessarily excited. Not one of the better decisions of my life (of the bits I still remember). Anyway, I have faith that you won't require surgical intervention. Or drugs, even. The gift of creativity often has a dark side, and we'll help you through it. Well, they will. I think I'll sit back and watch.
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