Issues & tissues Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) I flew home a few days ago, after visiting family and friends in the UK for Christmas, to be told by my BF of 10 years that he intends to move out of our rented apartment at the end of the month and that our relationship is "over". He says that he is tired of "playing house" and that he wants to experience a new life on the fast lane - a life of living on the edge. Needless to say, I am devastated. I am 35 years old and I have sacrificed everything to be with him. I left the UK 10 years ago to start a new life with him in a foreign country where I quickly had to adapt to his culture and his way of life, learn his native language, become part of his family, make new friends and start afresh with my career. It was not easy but I was carving out what I believed to be a happy future together. Then... A few years ago while driving home from work one evening, my BF was involved in a very serious road accident which left him with concussion and a very serious head injury. Although he received treatment at the time of the accident he refused to have further check ups once he had recovered. Over the past 2 or 3 years he has gradually become less and less recognizable - he frequently complains of headaches, is prone to short-term memory loss and aggressive verbal outbursts, he frequently goes to some far away world of his own and speaks to himself and his behaviour is erratic. More recently, he has been drinking heavily, often days at a time, and brags of gambling away his money and of sleeping with prositutes or having one night stands which he describes as "fun". Right now, I am on an emotional roller-coaster. Some days I feel used, hurt and confused by the things he says and does. Other days I feel depressed, alone and afraid. I occasionally feel angry and frustrated - with him, with life, with god, with me. There are days when I feel guilty for fighting back or for wanting to walk out on him or for giving up on him. And then there are days when I feel desperate - desperately sorry for him and for us - desperately wanting to look after him - desperately wanting him to stop doing what he is doing - desperately wanting everything to be like it once was before his accident. Above all I feel trapped and that I have sold my soul to be with the one I love. All I want is the person I fell in love with back. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Edited January 12, 2008 by Issues & tissues
shockandawed Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Issues, It's obvious you are hurting, confused and emotionally attached to the situation. From the outside looking in, sounds like your boyfriend has been this way the entire time, not just since the accident. From the picture you have painted, he made you give up your entire life and become part of his. You became subserviant to him at that point. The accident only has brought these things to the surface. My guess is you gave and gave and he took and took. Now you have been depleted and have nothing else to give, so he is done with you and is discarding you. I am sure you realize this. You feel though if somehow the situation would change, and he would become what you want, then you wouldn't have just wasted the last 10 years of your life. That is the hope you cling to. I think you know he isn't going to change, the situation will only worsen. You have given him 10 years and look what you have. You aren't trapped. You feel trapped because you are scared to admit this was a mistake and take the plunge to be alone. It is very frightening, but you will survive. You have only wasted the last 10 years if you don't allow it to be a learning experience for you. You are only 35, you still have time to create a life for YOU. You have family and friends back in the UK, I am sure they will be there for you to welcome you back. Go back home and discover yourself. There are plenty of wonderful men in this world who truly want an equal, imagine what a life with someone like that would be like.....
s_n_d Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think you need to move on...I think you know that. I can tell you really care about him...Try to keep him in your life via Taking care of him, making sure he is getting help etc..
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Has anyone else ever felt like this? Yes! -- I am also struggling with something right now, that involves the last 10 years of my life where I felt I've been supportive and tried to offer ALL I could, and now just not getting even a smidgen of that "back". How I've chosen to deal with it is to just remember my positive intentions and motivation for doing it. I will not fall into 'victim' mentality or as if he now owes me something. If I truly did all those things just so it would be reciprocated at some point in the future...well, that's NOT why I did it. I did it because I wanted to and because it made me feel good to do it. So what if he (my ex) is now acting like a jerk? He's always been that, anyway. If I expected something different...well, the joke's on me because I should have known better than to expect something different from him. His deal now is, "thanks but I didn't ask for any of it" -- and he is TOTALLY RIGHT, even though he bleedin' well took all of it. <sigh>. Some people just act like jerks (take as if they're entitled, don't give back, and don't accept responsibility for their attitude and actions.)
Green Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You should have dated an american, atleast you'd be in the greatest country in the world right now.
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read my thread and for all your replies (and KMT for the ). Your messages have been very helpful. I know what you write to be true and yet I am so unwilling to admit it to myself. Why do I still believe that if I try just a little bit harder and look after him a little bit better, then one day he will suddenly come to his senses and change for good? Why do I continue to believe that the drinking, the gambling, the verbal abuse, the hurtful comments, him leaving home and not coming back for days without calling or letting me know where he is and the constant arguing, would one day all magically go away? Why am I finding it so hard to give up on this person and let go of this destructive relationship? Everytime he says that he's leaving or that it's "over" I am struck down with fear - scared that he might hurt himself or get into trouble and I won't be there to pick up the pieces. Fear completely takes over to the point where I can't eat or sleep or focus on anything else. Worst of all, when I try to recall all the horrible things he has said or done to me over the years, I can't seem to remember any of it. I seem to have learnt to blank out all the bad stuff and the only memories I have are of the early years and --what seems to me to be-- the "good times". Anybody have any practical tips on letting him go without feeling this way?
kirikat Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Oh Baby... I am so sorry for your loss. There is theory in recovery programs like AA that when you are living with an alcoholic, the whole family is sick. Growing up in an alcoholic family, I can attest to this. You are living with an alcoholic, with multiple addiction issues - gambling, whoring, etc. You can't fix it, you can't change it, you didnt cause it. Taking care of him allows him to continue the behavior - you are an enabler. Furthermore, he is abusing you, and from what you say - its been going on for quite some time. You need to get out, for your life. I know you love him, etc - but, if you love him, just leave. Go as far away as quickly as possible. If you do not, you will simply be dragged further into this sickness. Go home, get help, call - NOW - your local AA chapter and talk to an Alanon support person. Good luck, I know this hurts... but if you get out now, get counseling and support, your life will be so much happier one short year from now, that you will not believe that you stayed so long in such an unhappy and abusive relationship.
Ronni_W Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Everytime he says that he's leaving or that it's "over" I am struck down with fear - scared that he might hurt himself or get into trouble and I won't be there to pick up the pieces. I agree with KiriKat, and really do encourage you to seriously consider the advice. You are NOT responsible for the health and safety of other adults. A therapist will help you learn about boundaries and personal responsibility so that you can "give back" all responsibility that does not belong to you. Why DO you believe all those things that you mentioned? -- A therapist will help you unravel the fictions and fallacies on which those beliefs are based. He has absolutely no reason to change, "magically" or otherwise. You are ensuring that he does not need to change at all. You are supporting his self-destructive behaviour by not holding him 100% accountable for it. Sometimes, the very best thing we can do for others so bent on self-destruction is to just allow them the space in which to really grow up. Walking away may prove to be the greatest kindness you will ever offer him. It won't be easy for you, but it may well be life-saving for him.
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) Kirikat and Ronnie - thank you for putting things into clearer perspective. I know what you are saying is true. Today, I took my first baby step towards letting go. I called an estate agent to find me a place of my own. Not exactly earth-shattering news but at least it's one tiny step in the right direction. I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be unbearable. Today alone has been incredibly difficult. Spent most of the day trying to keep a distance by not touching or hugging him - though I wanted to do so desperately - it's something I do frequently and comes naturally to me. He on the other hand appears to already be emotionally and physically detached which in turn just intensifies my desire to hold, kiss or hug him. I have felt violently sick most of the day - why do I want him to need me so much? Can anybody provide any coping strategies which I can implement over the next two weeks while we are both still living under the same roof? Thank you in advance for all your replies - they really are a beacon of light in a very grim and dark situation. Edited January 14, 2008 by Issues & tissues
sally4sara Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 So.....are we saying that his behavior could not possibly be due to some scarring of the brain from trauma? He sounds like he absolutely needs to see a doctor, preferably a neuro-surgeon.
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 I agree Sally - he does need medical help. I have spent the best part of the last three years trying to persuade him to see a doctor/specialist - his mother even made several appointments on his behalf but he refused point-blank to go. He can be extremely stubborn and has even on occasions said that he believes that his father, mother and I are all just conspiring against him - i.e. stopping him from living life on the fast lane.
sally4sara Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 If there are no steps to force him into the hospital when he isn't of sound mind, then absolutely get out before HIS brain issues gives you STD issues. But if you can get him committed for help since he isn't capable of making sound decisions, I would go this route. Its not like he was always this person or you wouldn't have fallen for him and moved. Its like your man is trapped in there and the brain injury is this whole different douchebag running around looking like him! God! What a nightmare; I am sooo sorry!
Ronni_W Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I called an estate agent to find me a place of my own. Not exactly earth-shattering news but at least it's one tiny step in the right direction. I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be unbearable. Congratulations!!! Calling the estate agent was a HUGE step for you! You deserve to celebrate it. The next few weeks will be as bearable as you tell yourself it will be -- something along the lines of "we get what we expect". So just expect that it will be much easier than you expect . Keep reminding yourself that you are doing this with the intent of saving your sanity and quite possibly his life. Keep in mind what Kirikat said about living in a household that has been infected by someone with multiple addictions. Do not continue to support his risky and self-destructive behaviour. He is an adult, and must take responsibility for his own medical care -- he does not sound like someone who is mentally unstable, just emotionally disabled. That is NOT your problem to solve, and it is something that only he can choose to improve if ever he is ready. Best of luck over the next two weeks -- focus on your goals, hold thoughts that help you to feel better, remember that you are worthy of a happy and fulfilling life, know that you have friends here at LS, spend some time thinking about how you're going to decorate your new place
kirikat Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Congratulations on the estate agent.... NOW - please call your local AA chapter right away and get to an alanon meeting. Whether or not his behavior is caused by a brain injury or not, the behavior is addictive, and you are co-dependant. If you want to save his life, you need to get out as soon as possible, and you are going to need emotional support to do it. The other thing, and I am serious... the longer you stay, the more you will talk yourself into the idea that you can make this better, that you can change it, that you can do something about it. YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER THIS. The ONLY power you have is to get out. Do you have a friend you can stay with? Because, I can tell you one thing - from experience... the ONLY way you or his family can persuade him to seek treatment IS to conspire against him. Leave. Cut him off. Leave - preferably when he is not around (for your own safety). Encourage his parents to cut him off. Until a big dramatic statement is made by all who love him he will continue this behavior until it kills him. As long as you and his parents continue to cover for his behavior, continue to tolerate his behavior, continue to protect him from the consequences of his actions - you are all killing him. Furthermore, every moment you spend in his presence is killing your soul, and making you sicker and sicker and sicker. Imagine you are your own daughter, just for one moment. Would you ever allow your daughter to be treated this way? Or would you sweep in, pack her things up, and get her out of danger? Be your own parent right now - you KNOW what to do, but you have become so wrapped up in his illness that you are having trouble seeing how this is destroying you. Step 1: Call a friend, and move out TODAY. Step 2: Call your local alanon support group. Step 3: Call his parents, tell them what you are doing, and why. Encourage them to do the same; get treatment, or stay out of our lives. This is called tough love, and when all else fails, it is the only course that has any hopes at all.
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 (edited) Day 9 A quick update for those of you following my thread. I have been feeling generally more positive about the break-up and letting go of my b/f the last couple of days. This is measured against the number of times I burst into tears each day. And I did it just three times today. Once on the escalator on the way to work this morning where on the step in front of me a very young couple were kissing without a care in the world. The second time was in the taxi on my way home from work when 'How am I supposed to live without you?' was playing loudly on the radio. The third time was when I actually got through the front door - coming home seems to be the most difficult part of my day at the moment. Apart from that, I am hoping to be moving into a colleague's apartment at the end of the month. She called me today out of the blue to ask if I knew of anyone who'd might be looking for a place to stay. I'm viewing it tomorrow. So fingers crossed... I really must stop bursting into tears on the escalator - you don't half get some funny looks! Edited January 15, 2008 by Issues & tissues
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 It's not right, but it's OK... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1zyaNcuyU4&feature=related Just thought I'd share how much this song has been helping me through the last few days.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 You should have dated an american, atleast you'd be in the greatest country in the world right now. What country is she in I thought it was the USA No? guess I missed it some weres there. I agree with what some one else here said he used you for all it was worth and now hes moving on I hope you can as well make a new happy life for yourself right in the same area. Let him see the grass isent greener and that you can be happy with out him. Just what ever you do don't take the drop kick back after he sees what he lost! best of luck to you
corazoncito Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I'm really sorry to hear about your situation I&T. I once dated a guy who had suffered a very severe closed head injury in a car accident. This was before we met, but I gathered from talking to his family he was a completely different person after the accident, and it wasn't a change for the better. He could actually admit he had changed and knew he had a problem, but even when seeking all sorts of therapy and rehabilitation, it didn't make a difference. He was very self-centered, overly sensitive to physical and emotional pain, easily angered and irrational, and just could never put anyone else before himself. Your BF sounds like he's been affected in a similar way. I think you're doing the right thing for you. Good luck.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I just had an idea reading that last post were all thinking that after these accedents these men have some type of mentil change due to just head injury. But maybe being that close to death just changed there attitudes in grneal for the worse maybe they have just become more self centerd. Because now they see how short life can be so they figure there going to take care of them selves and s*rew every one else just a thought!
Always Wrong Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 A friend of mine was shot in the face with a shotgun at about 20 yards. Bird shot... very small pellets... he must have been hunting with the VP. He wasn't disfigured or anything. After he recovered, he started running around on his wife and shortly thereafter left her and his son for good. He was a Master Sergeant in the Air Force. I always considered him a pretty tough guy, but I guess there's no forseeable outcome for that sort of thing. I guess near death trauma can uproot a person who isn't firmly grounded.
corazoncito Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I just had an idea reading that last post were all thinking that after these accedents these men have some type of mentil change due to just head injury. But maybe being that close to death just changed there attitudes in grneal for the worse maybe they have just become more self centerd. Because now they see how short life can be so they figure there going to take care of them selves and s*rew every one else just a thought! Maybe, but there's a good bit of medical evidence to demonstrate that head trauma (even mild cases) alters the victims' personalities. Different men and women with varying degrees of this type of brain damage show a lot of very similar effects (sudden mood swings, loss of tolerance for even mild pain, etc.). In my ex's case, CAT scans showed severe damage to portions of his brain (they stopped showing activity). I'm sure that had a huge effect on his personality and thought processes.
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) Thank you all for your replies - they really are a comfort during what is turning out to be one of the darkest periods in my life. Really not doing very well at all today. Having a really difficult time accepting our break-up. My ex and I are still living under the same roof at the moment which makes the situation all the more difficult and awkward. This morning, he asked me if I would like to go to the cinema with him this evening followed by something to eat. A few minutes later he casually drops into the conversation that he has already found an apartment and will be moving out next weekend. I'm a mess. I so want to still be a part of his life but he is making it very clear that he no longer wants or needs that. Really don't know what to say or do - though right now crying seems to be the only thing I can do. Would really appreciate some advice on how to let him go. Edited January 19, 2008 by Issues & tissues
Author Issues & tissues Posted January 19, 2008 Author Posted January 19, 2008 (edited) PS I dug out a couple of interesting articles regarding some of the affects of a head injury. Thought I'd post for anyone interested in finding out more. http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=396 http://www.birt.co.uk/images/BIRT06_family.pdf Edited January 19, 2008 by Issues & tissues
Author Issues & tissues Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) What a difference a few weeks make! Looking back at my earlier posts I can finally see progress in my emotional well-being and in the way I now feel and think about my ex. And although I am only starting out on my journey and have a long and possibly trecherous way to go, I know that I am setting sail in the right direction. When my BF first told me at the beginning of this year that he wanted to end our relationship, I was a mess. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I was afraid. I didn't know how I was going to be able to live without him. I was afraid of being alone. I didn't want to be alone! I didn't want to live if it meant living had to be without him. But somewhere between then and now I have grown to accept the facts for what they really are and although those fears have not entirely gone away, new and long-forgotten feelings are beginning to replace them: contentment, self-worth, pride, dignity, peace and many more. Feelings which were buried for so long are slowly beginning to take root and the numbness is beginning to thaw. It's starting to feel good to be alive. I want to live. Spring is finally here! He was the one who chose to walk away. But I was the one who chose to let him go! Edited February 2, 2008 by Issues & tissues
dropdeadlegs Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Just seeing this thread, but I'm glad to see that you are feeling so much better. I especially enjoyed the part where you spoke of long forgotten feelings. Sometimes when involved in long relationships we become so used to the toll of living with a SO's "issues" that we lose our ability to feel the more positive things that once were innate. I assume he left as planned and that due to his departure you are now better able to recover. The hardest part of a break up when living together is the part when you still actually live together. I like to end that as quickly as possible in order to move on. We all have issues, but I hope you are relying much less on your tissues.
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