sedgwick Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I've been thinking a lot about why I'm having such a rough time getting over my ex. The tragic romantic side of me says it's because I've never been in love like that, etc. But another part of me realizes that I have two major issues within myself: one is my extreme perfectionism, the other is my habit of basing my self-worth entirely on my accomplishments. I was the kid who was always being told by the adults that nobody expected as much from me as I expected from myself, and that I didn't have to be so hard on myself. I freaked out if I couldn't do everything perfectly, immediately. I was an overachiever from the moment I popped out of the womb. I skipped a grade in elementary school and was disappointed in myself because they didn't let me go straight to junior high. I used to bawl my eyes out if I made a mistake -- if I fell while doing gymnastics, say, or if I was drawing a picture and I messed something up and then couldn't erase it all the way. Over the years this has gotten worse, not better. I base my self-worth 100% on my accomplishments. When I look at my life, I see that I've accomplished some pretty significant stuff, but I can't seem to be proud of myself. It's never enough. And if someone doesn't like me or breaks up with me, I immediately tell myself it's because they saw me as boring or stupid or lazy, and I go into a crazy tailspin of trying to prove to them that I'm good enough. But of course that's impossible when I can't even prove it to myself. It's like if I weren't this big ball of accomplishments, there would be nothing there. I look at others and am able to see that they have worth as people, regardless of what they do, but I can't see that in myself. So I pile victory upon victory, but I still feel like I'm not enough for anyone to love me. And no matter how many people tell me they're impressed with what I've done, it still doesn't matter. It's like I'm searching for that one accomplishment that will FINALLY make me feel like I deserve to be on the planet. I've felt my whole life like I have to work twice as hard to be half as good as other people. That's why it hurt so much when my ex broke up with me for not being a musician. It confirmed my worst fears that nothing I had done was good enough. Now I'm so hung up on this idea that playing the bass is way harder and takes way more talent and skill and intelligence than selling a book, getting into a dance company, being paid to knit and crochet (which is how I'm making most of my money these days, I've been designing clothes since I was a teenager), etc. Like I could take everything I've done, the three degrees, the solo travel, the dance, the yoga, the gymnastics, the book, the design work, and none of it takes as much skill or is as impressive as playing the bass. I mean, I know NOTHING about playing the bass -- maybe it's right up there with rocket science and brain surgery. Do any of you go through this? It's kind of a hellish way to live.
kirikat Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You know, I can relate to this. I feel as if I can make people love me if only I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, competant enough... Which makes it look like I am trying to hard. And always tends to backfire. Then when it backfires, it confirms all my secret beliefs that I am not good enough to deserve to be loved. And I agree, its a hellish way to live.
brothermartin Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Sorry Sedge, I don't have that problem. I've been told that I'm TOO comfortable with myself. It hasn't brought me any real problems, but no real accomplishments as I would like either. It definitely is a lot less stressful though! On the other side, You just described my ex. She is ( or maybe was) a perfectionist too. I think I was the only person (outside herself) that she blamed things on. And because she was such a perfectionist and idealist, she couldn't understand why I was not. She saw certain things as being the most important things in the world, and if she couldn't master them or fix them, then there must have been something wrong with her. The irony was she liked to pride herself at how flexible and fluid she was. The truth is, she wasn't. She was rigid and uncompromising. Not just with me, but with herself too. Just not quite as much with herself. I, on the other hand, don't have to work at being fluid so much. I just am. Sure, there are times when I can be stubborn or a little close-minded. We all can be. We're only human. No one is perfect and never will be. So why beat yourself up (or anyone else) about it? It's pointless. Just be what you can be everyday because there really is no such thing as being "good enough." You can't measure who you are based on who someone else is. Even if you think you can. We are ALL perfectly imperfect:) beings.
frd150 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I can relate but for me its a little bit different. You see Im a people pleaser,I like to see people smile and sometimes it can be at my expense. For example,someone needs something and i give it to them,someone needs me Im there and this is all in spite of my own needs. Its not to the point of being a pushover because there is a line I never cross but in hindsight I see how I am/was as a bit of a problem and one that was part of the demise of our relationship. I spread myself too thin. Maybe part of the problem with this break up is that somewhere in my mind theres that feeling of failure,failure to please her despite my known best efforts. I let someone I love down and in doing that I failed. Like you sedg I want to be perfect,perfect in what I described above. Now understand I wasent conciously trying to please her to feed my own ego no,no, I was just being me,I wanted to see her smile and just be happy. Now brother martin you kinda described my ex. That same pride/idealism you mention is what I believe has kept her away. I know Im a good person and I also know I will never be perfect. You cant please everyone. So Sedg do me a favor and feed my internal need......Smile and be happy with who you are,so frigggen what if you cant play the base.:)
underpants Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 OMG, He is a bass player. That is what that dude I dated long ago played. Maybe there is a connection? In hindsight I am glad I did not wind up with him.
Author sedgwick Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 underpants, did your bass player behave the same way?
underpants Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) underpants, did your bass player behave the same way? Gosh, that was so long ago. He was all about his music it was "his life". I liked his passion for music and was creative in my own way. For a while I thought we complimented each other. Really though, I think he harbored some kind of resentment or angst or...who knows? Maybe he just needed to be a little sad and detached to feel comfortable? I thought some of that was just deep contemplation of his creative genius but now I just think he had some form of low level depression. I did get a few intense looks from him and statements like "you just don't understand what a musician's life is like". That made me sad because he did not want to explain anything to me. It was a set up to justify a future break up. He could not see having a relationship and a career in music co-existing. One was a "distraction" from the other. I never understood that, because I thought I was wonderfully supportive of him and his goals and his talent. He was not so supportive of my creativity and pursuits however. He even told me once that I was an 'okay' artist. Now, if I would have said you are a 'okay' bass player. He would have been crushed. Once his band got a few local paying gigs I was dropped. I have never spoken to him or seen him since. I have had much better relationships since as well. I even forgot his last name once and had to ask a mutual friend what it was. That is when I learned of his career in cubicle construction and that if my name is mentioned he leaves the room. Whatever. Ego, sweet, sad, talented ego. Although he is out of my life, I do hope he found some happiness. That being said. I do have a bunch of musician friends for some reason. They seem to have been able to strike a balance between creativity and relationships. It might be a maturity thing. Sedgwick, you sound like a cool chick and it is his loss. Edited January 12, 2008 by underpants
underpants Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I cant even spell bass:p It is difficult to tune those fish.
Author sedgwick Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 oh right, you're the one with the bass-player-cubicle-maker! ha ha ha! i just don't get what it is with musicians thinking their art form is sooooo much better than other people's. (obviously this is not true of all musicians; i too have friends who both play music and have relationships.) it's like if he's not killing himself to do it, he's not working hard enough. i totally don't get it. i work my a$$ off -- it's not like i don't have rehearsals all the time as well (but dancer and musician are just tooo far apart for us to have anything in common, i guess) -- but i also still manage to eat and sleep and hang out with my friends. (AND write books and make clothes and travel.) i can't tell you how offensive i find it that this guy who chain smokes and doesn't exercise and can't even bend over and touch his toes tried to tell me i wasn't good enough for him because i wasn't a musician. hello, when you can do a backbend and stop eating bacon, we'll talk. thanks for saying i sound like a cool chick. i'd like to think i am. i'd like to at least think i'm worth a little more than tossing aside after a year because i don't have the exact identical same career as he does. but hey, if he wants to run around not showering and not eating and sleeping in his bass case under people's kitchen tables, he can just go off and stink and roll around in his own musician filth all he wants. i hope he has a blast.
frd150 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 It is difficult to tune those fish. Yes, even more so now that im single;) Hey is funkybassplayer still out there? Perhaps he can chime in on this whole bass player deal.
sumdude Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 oh right, you're the one with the bass-player-cubicle-maker! ha ha ha! i just don't get what it is with musicians thinking their art form is sooooo much better than other people's. (obviously this is not true of all musicians; i too have friends who both play music and have relationships.) it's like if he's not killing himself to do it, he's not working hard enough. i totally don't get it. i work my a$$ off -- it's not like i don't have rehearsals all the time as well (but dancer and musician are just tooo far apart for us to have anything in common, i guess) -- but i also still manage to eat and sleep and hang out with my friends. (AND write books and make clothes and travel.) i can't tell you how offensive i find it that this guy who chain smokes and doesn't exercise and can't even bend over and touch his toes tried to tell me i wasn't good enough for him because i wasn't a musician. hello, when you can do a backbend and stop eating bacon, we'll talk. thanks for saying i sound like a cool chick. i'd like to think i am. i'd like to at least think i'm worth a little more than tossing aside after a year because i don't have the exact identical same career as he does. but hey, if he wants to run around not showering and not eating and sleeping in his bass case under people's kitchen tables, he can just go off and stink and roll around in his own musician filth all he wants. i hope he has a blast. Hey now, let's not give all us musicians a bad rap 'cause of your ex.. OK? Heck my ex wife couldn't carry a tune in a wet paper bag and I loved her anyway. This guy sounds a bit narcissistic and immature to me. One thing is true though, a musicians life can be hard on relationships. As far as the perfectionism thing? I have it too, in a different way... Nothings ever good enough so I'll sometimes subconsciously shoot myself in the foot to make sure I mess it up. Expectations, having unreasonable ones has ruined more relationships and messed up so many kids egos... who later grow up with those same issues.
sb129 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You know, I can relate to this. I feel as if I can make people love me if only I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, competant enough... Which makes it look like I am trying to hard. And always tends to backfire. Then when it backfires, it confirms all my secret beliefs that I am not good enough to deserve to be loved. And I agree, its a hellish way to live. I used to be like this, and it was an awful way to live, I agree. I am not sure how I got out of it. I think one day I just woke up after a few terrible years and thought "I am not going to live like this anymore. I AM worthy, and if HE doesn't think so, I am better off without him" I left, and I haven't looked back. Met the man of my dreams who makes me feel like a million bucks, and we get married next year. Getting older helps.
Author sedgwick Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 sumdude, you did see this sentence, right? "obviously this is not true of all musicians; i too have friends who both play music and have relationships." i was being careful not to give all musicians a bad rap! and sb129, i'm 36, and unfortunately this has gotten worse, not better, throughout my life.
watchconcierge Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 sumdude, you did see this sentence, right? "obviously this is not true of all musicians; i too have friends who both play music and have relationships." i was being careful not to give all musicians a bad rap! and sb129, i'm 36, and unfortunately this has gotten worse, not better, throughout my life. I feel sad for you. I have some of that in me... Hang in there. T
Always Wrong Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Just keep that overwhelming drive that propels you pointed in a direction that benefits where you'd like to be tomorrow! I know what you mean about "some" musicians. "Some" can be really self absorbed. I know! I come from a family full of them. Thank God I realized I needed to market something other than my "musical" talent to survive in this world. I would have starved to death!!! lol underpants is right! You sound like a cool chick... You'll find another one! Look at it as a new accomplishment to achieve! You are merely perfecting a flawed endeavor!
loveinlife Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 My ex was and is sorta still like a perfectionist. Im learning to deal with it.
Recommended Posts