Jerome84 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Hey guys and gals, here is my story. Some background information first, a few months ago I hooked up with this very nice lady and it was all very nice and sweet, my last relationship left me pretty scared and made me loose interest in anything more than being friends with the tender gender and that lasted for a couple of years, well that was all until this particular woman came along, everything changed with her. I will spare you the details on how much we liked each other and how great being together was, suffice to say we were both swimming in ecstasy for having met each other. The thing is, she still had some baggage when we got together, she has a 4 year and running relationship with another guy and after a couple of months with me, something happened that made her feel really guilty for doing this to the other guy and decided to give him another chance, and my worst fears came true; we had to stop doing what we were doing. Maybe I was wrong in committing too much into a relationship with her because I knew there was someone else that she is still with from the start, but the situation was that the two of us were together now, working in the same company and even in the same department, and the other guy was very far away, also one of the reasons for her to move away from him was that things weren't going too well between them, all of this made me hope that she will end her relationship with him and be with me instead. It turned out I made an error of judgment. It would be foolish for me to say that she doesn't love him and to assume that he is an a**hole and that he doesn't deserve her, but this is not the point here. At first when she broke me the news that we had to stop I had a really hard time in dealing with it, and so did she, we used to not see each other for a day or two and then one of us would show up at the other ones door and so all efforts to do this would fail. When the holiday season came, she told me that she is going to spend it with him, and also said that when she comes back, things between the two of us will be totally different, again I still had a hard time with this notion but at the end of the day I couldn't do anything, she had made up her mind. She asked me not to try and contact her while she was away and said that she wont be thinking of me and that she will try to forget me and this was a pretty big stone to swallow for me. Well, the plan didn't hold, a few days after she left she called me to check up on me and from there we used to get in touch every other day, and when we used to talk we didn't talk to each other as just friends, but as two persons that loved each other deeply and missed the hell out of each other. Well a few days before she had to come back here, she stopped calling me, stopped answering my calls, I thought that things between the two of them kicked off again and that due to the fact that she is coming back here soon and didn't want things to go back to the way they were between us, was the reason she was doing that, well I was right about it I think. But that didn't stop me from tracking all the way to the capital to greet her, her plane landed we greeted each other, there were no hugs and no kisses, no "I missed you"'s and no nothing, just two friends. It was back then where I started getting used to the idea that what we had is over and what was left is just a sweet memory to cherish. Our relationship enriched both of us in many ways, so despite it being over, both of us still wanted to be friends, pretty close friends. We spent the first few days after she came back together almost all the time, and then It happened, one night when we were sleeping together things got a bit more intimate than what they should be, She kissed me, and in a split second everything we had, surfaced again, we started making out passionately and things lead to sex. The thing is, she told me she wasn't taking her pills, but the thing is neither of us wanted to have intercourse and we were both trying to stop, but we missed each other and missed this intimacy that neither of us could really stop, and things only got more and more heated... I think you all know how this ended. Immediately after that she just turned her back to me, realizing what had just happened, we both started feeling pretty bad about it. On the next day it was as if she didn't know me, she kept ignoring me and I was pretty concerned about her, she didn't call, didn't answer my calls and didn't show up on IM. I know why she was ignoring me, I bet you readers also have an idea why she is doing this, and I myself feel pretty bad about what happened. She told me that she doesn't want to see me anymore because of what happened, and that this was one more reason why we should never speak to each other or see each other again, because apparantly according to her I can't be trusted to hold my emotions at bay and neither can she, and us just being together comes with the risk of us doing these things again, and she doesn't want that. There is one more thing, she blames me for exploiting her at her moment of weakness and also blames me for forcing myself on her when she deliberately told me she was not taking pills, meaning she could get pregnant. I understand why she is so afraid, if she gets pregnant from me, her relationship with her real boyfriend would be over, and I am afraid, really afraid that she would think that I was trying to deliberately get her pregnant for that end. I did my best to explain to her that I would never take advantage of her in that way and I would never do anything especial anything this low to try and hurt her. I know damn well that she knows that this is not the case, but then why is she doing all of this then? She says I am the last person on earth she wants to see or hear right now, let alone think of, I am dead to her as she has been implying to me these last couple of days. And I have done everything I could do to try and make things right, but she is like a stonewall when dealing with me. I know pretty damn well that we could never be together, me and her, but I don't want to loose this one person that I had so many great times with, I don't want to loose her friendship and I don't want to be a cause of her misery, God knows I only want her to be happy. I don't want her to think back at what we had and remember this, not after everything we had together. I really don't know what to do, I feel pretty apathetic at the moment, I don't know how to act or even react to all of this, I feel as if a part of me is dead and the guilt is so much that I can barely stand myself. I don't know what to think of it anymore, what would you guys say?
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Well, this may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds to me that she had a pretty good time all this time playing games with you: I want to see you, I don't want to see you, I want to see you, we can't talk, I'm calling you, we can't talk, I'm calling you. Come on, she's playing with your head! And then to blame YOU for forcing yourself on her after she mentioned not being on the pill. Has she ever heard of the word "NO"? It works wonders on most men. She's a big girl, unless she did say no and you did it anyway - which in layman's terms is called RAPE), if she didn't say no, she wanted it just as badly as you and shouldn't be placing blame on anyone but herself. She's a player, plain and simple. Go through your grieving process then take steps to find someone who isn't into head games.
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I agree with Bozwa to a point. She's manipulative. And she's putting total blame on you for the unprotected sex thing. That's quite unfair of her. She sounds like a piece of crap person. I understand why you are in pain about it all though. You feel like you lost a contest with her being the prize. Believe me, she is no prize. She carried on with two guys at the same time. You never had all of her. She wasn't available. You had a partial relationship. And that is just not good enough. You deserve someone who shares themselves completely with you. As for the other guy, let him have her. She will most likely stray on him again. If he wasn't everything to her then he is nothing to her. Same with you. You are nothing to her too. So don't expect something wonderful from somebody like her. It just won't happen. But you gave her your all. You know what you have inside you to give. Save it and share it with somebody worthy of you. Leave her alone now. Be glad that it happened but also be glad that it's over. You deserve so much more. And nothing will hurt her worse than you acting as if you no longer care. Feel better soon.
sedgwick Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Are you saying that she got pregnant? Did she have an abortion? What happened?
Author Jerome84 Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 Well, this may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds to me that she had a pretty good time all this time playing games with you: I want to see you, I don't want to see you, I want to see you, we can't talk, I'm calling you, we can't talk, I'm calling you. Come on, she's playing with your head! Well, thing is the entire time she has been torn, she has admited it various times. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but I do not think it was ever her intention to play mind games on me. And then to blame YOU for forcing yourself on her after she mentioned not being on the pill. Has she ever heard of the word "NO"? It works wonders on most men. She's a big girl, unless she did say no and you did it anyway - which in layman's terms is called RAPE), if she didn't say no, she wanted it just as badly as you and shouldn't be placing blame on anyone but herself. She never said "NO", she didn't even put up a fight didn't even push me away, this leads me to believe that yes, she wanted it badly herself, maybe she felt regret after doing so and as a defense mechanism placed blame on me as well, I'm not blameless here, by all accounts I always thought I was stronger than that and had more control. She accused me of having seduced her, she always used to tell me that when I want something from her, my nature is such that she can't refuse, maybe I did indeed seduce her into it first, but what I am baffled about is whether she let herself be seduced, as she didn't fight it, at some point she even took an active role. I don't think she is a player, we knew each other long before anything happened between us, she's not that type of person, she is just torn and doesn't know how to react. Again, look at me, I'm standing up for her even after all this. You feel like you lost a contest with her being the prize. Believe me, she is no prize. She carried on with two guys at the same time. You never had all of her. She wasn't available. You had a partial relationship. Actually I don't feel that way thank God, I really wish her to be happy with him although I doubted the future of her relationship with him from the start, and now I don't think that they are getting anywhere in the long run, as she will never account for the last 4 months to him, ever. Well that is was not my choice to make and not my burden to bear, I just pray that she finds happiness in some way and wish the two of us would not have ended our relationship on this note. And true, we never ever had a full relationship. Are you saying that she got pregnant? Did she have an abortion? What happened? Well to be honest, I don't know if she's pregnant or not, she wouldn't tell me, she doesn't think I have the right to know, I don't think she is actually as I didn't finish inside her (ironically she thinks / claims that I did, maybe she is being paranoid and trying to get me paranoid as well and she has been successful) but she just wouldn't take my word on it, she doesn't trust me anymore. We also got the "morning after" pill (again, how ironic that name is) if you guys are familiar with it, so no, chances that she is pregnant are pretty slim. If she was, I have no clue what to do from there on... Hope this sheds some more light on things.
Author Jerome84 Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) ah well, nothing I can do it seems... Edited January 12, 2008 by Jerome84
Roughweekend Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 So here I am, single again after the last three years... she broke up with me Friday night... talk about a roller coaster... Back story would probably help huh? I met her almost 3 1/2 yrs ago when i was posted to the east coast (I'm in the military). Things went well at first, then when I mentioned that I was going to be posted to the west coast, I asked her if she wanted to go for a drive with me (this is at the two month point) and she promptly broke up with me... we got back together about three days later. Then came the posting, she had a good job she didn't want to leave so I told her to take her time and see if she wanted to come out... I went out to see her for a week that summer and she came out for a week in the fall... at this point I had started my sailing career (sigh...) and was gone a lot. Then she decided (after a year) to move out here to be with me... I was still sailing and there was still a lot of time spent apart but just this March I was shore posted. She had finally got a good job (although it meant she was gone all summer) but I gave her time to go chase her ambitions and waited patiently for her to come back... thing were really looking up, she had a great job, I was home alot... I thought finally a smooth patch... but then she started getting distant and I thought something was up, but she's always been close-lipped about feelings and I didn't know what to do (hell I still don't) and part of me wanted to scream, ask questions, but I didn't know how to do it and part of me didn't want to hear the answers (background to the background: this is my first long term/distance/living together relationship, I'm 32 and previous to her were all three month or less encounters). So she left on Friday and she confirmed she had been thinking about for months... she went to her parents' place for Christmas (I was invited, but it seemed that I wasn't really wanted...) and there she spent time with her friends... I guess what I really want to know, is why is it that women would rather talk about everything with their girlfriends rather then talk to the man they supposedly love? I mean why didn't she open up to me, talk to me and let me be the best friend I thought I was? This hurts alot.... and I know what I should be doing, but... all she said was that we weren't compatible.... we had very few interests in common... but who does????? How many men want to go to poetry readings and watch foreign films that don't star Jackie Chan?? Isn't it normal to have people live a happy life loving someone who has very little in common? I mean isn't that what makes things work, having different interests as a way of still being yourself while being in love? We all make compromises for the ones we love.... why did it take her 3 yrs to discover this??? And why do they always want to be friends right after they bring the walls falling down around you??? Rough
Author Jerome84 Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks for hijacking my thread man, but anyways, no problem, I feel for you. Long distance relationships are never easy, I find that for women the saying "out of sight, out of heart" holds truer than for men, I might be wrong but heck that's from my point of view. Don't know what to say to make you feel better or any advice I can give you on how to cope, as I'm in a kinda crappy situation myself
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