spookie Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 How do you answer questions from someone you might start dating that aren't probing in nature but necessarily have very complicated and personal answers? I don't know what to do about this one: "When do classes start for spring semester?" Cause the answer goes like this: "Oh fcvk. They're supposed to start in two days, but I don't know if I'm going to register yet. I'm in a financial mess cause my family isn't supporting me cause of my abortion; in an educational mess cause I was an emotional wreck after my break-up and just let everything go. So I don't know what to do; there are a couple of unpleasant academic-side things I'd need to deal with (including the completion of a retro-active withdrawal for a fake mental disorder, which would likely have to include serious pretense in front of a mental health care professional (I'm SO tired of acting), as well as dealing with my alleged suicide attempt after which I fled Austin, and regarding which I've been dodging phone calls from the cops for for roughly a month); and then I'd have to find funding, which I'm not sure I'll be able to do. I'm going to look into loans on Monday but unless it's fast and easy to get one, school is out of the question for a couple of months at least, until I get enough money together. Besides, even if I manage to find a loan to pay for tuition, and the university lets me enroll... if I'm in school full-time, how am I going to pay rent?! I'm not good at multi-tasking (I can barely do regular "tasking") and I don't want a repeat of what happened last semester, when I wasn't able to concentrate on either cause I was so stressed out I didn't know where to begin. And I don't never EVER EVER want to sell plasma or to strip again." I mean... just check out the bolded red flags. Would YOU date me? It's an innocent question but the answer brings out into the open all my "baggage" and makes me out to be very unstable. Which, granted, is the truth... but in the past month, I've stopped drinking, smoking, and missing my ex: my three worst vices. I feel sober-minded, sane. I really feel I'm on the right track. And, finally, after months of self-destructive friendships, jobs, addictions, and relationships, I'm READY for something better, with someone who would be GOOD for me. Even just a month ago, I didn't think I'd ever say this (and definitely not so soon) but I WANT to put my ex and all the s!ht that the demise of that relationship set into motion behind me (instead of savoring the pain for the sake of some kind of romantic ideal). I WANT to make positive changes in my life; and I'm finally ready to love someone again. I don't want to be deceptive about who I am; and I've made it a point not to lie, despite how naturally it comes to me; but I don't know that laying it all out there, airing all my dirty laundry at once, so early on (prior to date one really) is the right move, either. I mean, there's more to me than my problems. I've been successful at steering the conversation to those topics thus far, but sometimes I don't know how to answer questions like this that pop up...
lbj123 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting until you are comfortable to talk about very personal aspects of your life. Without lying, you can say you're sorting out some stuff and you are hoping to start up classes very soon. Sometimes its best to put the past in the past. You have been through some really difficult stuff but it sounds like you're really trying to move forward.
SeraBella Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 You could very easily say "They are supposed to start in 2 days, but I'm haven't decided if I am going to register, I may be taking the semester off until I get some things settled." I'm not sure why you would ever divulge that much information. Perhaps you should reconsider dating right now. It sounds like you have a lot of things to work on, and it's hard to have a relationship when you are unhealthy yourself.
Ronni_W Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Hey, Spookie. First, congrats on all your progress over the past month! Good stuff. Actually, I don't agree that the answer to the casual question, "When do classes start for spring semester?" goes anything like what you've described. It's about appropriate disclosure, really. You are not being deceptive or dishonest by withholding any type of personal information that you choose to withhold -- you have the right and authority to select what and when others know about any aspect of your life. I get that some questions are triggering your worst thoughts about yourself and your life situation right now BUT steering conversation to your strengths and positives is exactly the appropriate thing to do, IMO. At the start of any potential friendship, the answer is only, "In 2 days." Period. I doubt the person (potential friend/b/f) asking the question is even all that interested or invested in if you are or are not going to register. And I don't think they're asking to be 'treated' to a vent of your personal problems (not at this early stage, anyway.) Even if that was a life-long friend asking that question, I'm not 100% sure that your reaction would be entirely appropriate because it really does sound more like the kind of detail that only one's therapist would be "digging" for, if you see what I mean? (I know a long-term friend would already know some/all of that stuff...just wanted to show that it is not deceptive behaviour on your part.) Stay strong in your new desires and accomplishments!
Storyrider Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I hope you're getting a degree in a job field where you'll be writing... What is this really about? Is it about feeling obligated to tell these things because you think he wants to know? Or is it more about having an overwhelming urge to confess them because when you like someone you have trouble drawing personal boundaries? Also, do you like being the "bad girl" a little bit? I think you enjoyed writing the above very much, even if the experiences themselves were painful.
blind_otter Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I have somewhat of a past myself, but I usually don't dwell on it or disclose too much of it. IMO the past is the past, and certain details should only be revealed in very specific and special situations. If someone's just asking you a casual question, they expect a casual answer - there's nothing wrong with keeping the sordid details to yourself until such time as you are emotionally intimate with them and are able to go into more detail about your past.
shockandawed Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I mean... just check out the bolded red flags. Would YOU date me? .. Honestly, yes!! It is apparent that despite the hardships, mistakes, etc..you are an intelligent person with a great sense of humor. The others are right, simply you haven't decided if you are going to sit this semester out.
underpants Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Spooks, Why have you put off school? You know that loans, housing, registration and such take time and planning. You are sabatoging your future then feel helpless when it dawns on you that school starts in 2 days. Come on. You are smarter then that. Go to the school's financial aid office. Make an appointment with a counselor and work out a plan. Yes, you will have to fill out a mountain of boring paperwork. There are loans and federal funding to help you. Most of these don't have to be paid off until after graduation. If your parents' have really cut you off then you can claim yourself as an independent and receive federal grants to pay for some of the costs. Talk to the financial aid office about that and listen to what they say. Take a notebook and jot down what you need to do. Get a calendar and organize your deadline dates. You could look into on campus housing and use a portion of the financial aid to pay for it. A more structured environment might benefit you and your studies. It might be too late to get enrolled for this semester but you can get set up for next semester. Once you get a plan and all your paperwork completed, following semesters are easier. You seem to be more concerned with dating rather then school. That is unfortunate because an education will benefit you more in the longer term. Financially, intellectually, and romantically. What do you want to be when you grow up Spook?
Ariadne Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hey Spookie, Can you enrol in a community college at least? Where are you planning to attend? Yeah, I can imagine it must be tough. With you quitting that job and all. Hey, move in with the AS guy. Does he live alone?
Author spookie Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Everyone... sorry about the belated response. I flew in to Austin yesterday after having spent the holidays at home. Hey, Spookie. First, congrats on all your progress over the past month! Good stuff. Actually, I don't agree that the answer to the casual question, "When do classes start for spring semester?" goes anything like what you've described. It's about appropriate disclosure, really. You are not being deceptive or dishonest by withholding any type of personal information that you choose to withhold -- you have the right and authority to select what and when others know about any aspect of your life. I get that some questions are triggering your worst thoughts about yourself and your life situation right now BUT steering conversation to your strengths and positives is exactly the appropriate thing to do, IMO. At the start of any potential friendship, the answer is only, "In 2 days." Period. I doubt the person (potential friend/b/f) asking the question is even all that interested or invested in if you are or are not going to register. And I don't think they're asking to be 'treated' to a vent of your personal problems (not at this early stage, anyway.) Even if that was a life-long friend asking that question, I'm not 100% sure that your reaction would be entirely appropriate because it really does sound more like the kind of detail that only one's therapist would be "digging" for, if you see what I mean? (I know a long-term friend would already know some/all of that stuff...just wanted to show that it is not deceptive behaviour on your part.) Stay strong in your new desires and accomplishments! What is this really about? Is it about feeling obligated to tell these things because you think he wants to know? Or is it more about having an overwhelming urge to confess them because when you like someone you have trouble drawing personal boundaries? Also, do you like being the "bad girl" a little bit? I think you enjoyed writing the above very much, even if the experiences themselves were painful. I guess my problem with incomplete disclosure is that it feels like marketing to me; and I want whoever I end up with to really know me. And to really know me involves understanding the crap parts. Maybe that's not the right approach to dating; and you may be right that I might have problems with personal boundaries; but even if I don't outright lie, by omitting to mention what I consider important about myself, I feel I am being deceptive and selling both of us short. On the other hand, none even of my most chaotic behaivior IMO has any relevance to what kind of friend/girlfriend I am. I may have a shady past, but I've done a solid job standing by my ethics. Where it relates to relationships, I have never cheated on anyone or been particularly "promiscuous", for example. (I say this because I'm always torn, when reading those threads about how some guy has a "problem" with his gf's "slutty" past, about which side I fall on: "the past is the past" side, or the one that believes full disclosure is how you get to know someone). I guess, TBH, I HAVE enjoyed being a "bad girl" after my relationship fell apart. It felt like a return to my psycho youth after three years of attempting to be the perfect gf/future wife/mother to my ex. It made me feel strong, to know I didn't need anyone's approval. But, probably, I took it too far. I hope you're getting a degree in a job field where you'll be writing... How I wish that were the case. Sometimes I wonder if I had had the balls to pursue my real interests, whether it would have been easier for me to a functional adult. Unfortunately, I majored in math and my future career involves crunching numbers all day long. Which I think I will enjoy (I like problem solving) but I doubt I will ever be passionate about. I have somewhat of a past myself, but I usually don't dwell on it or disclose too much of it. IMO the past is the past, and certain details should only be revealed in very specific and special situations. If someone's just asking you a casual question, they expect a casual answer - there's nothing wrong with keeping the sordid details to yourself until such time as you are emotionally intimate with them and are able to go into more detail about your past. I think I'm going to take this approach to the situation. Honestly, yes!! Thanks.
Star Gazer Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I have no advice about dating in this situation, Spookie. I only want to second SR's comment. I'd pay to read whatever you write. Do you have a blog? Also, what are your "real interests"? And why don't you have the balls to pursue them?
Green Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I always enjoy scred up people just makes me feel better... but you really dont have to answer the question like that and probably shouldnt. Just say your having money troubles and leave it at that. If the person probes and says stuf like just ask your parents tell them you guys were fighting over things they wanted you to do but you said no, so now they wont give you the money, if the person still probes say, id rather not talk about it. Most likely they wont even ask why your having money problems
Storyrider Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I was going to add, about your feeling regarding full disclosure, Spookie, that you can always let information trickle out as you get to know him rather then flooding him at one sitting.
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Forget the full disclosure.... You might take the semester off to settle some stuff- I like that response. Some things are best left for the second date. lol.
Nemo Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 , that you can always let information trickle out as you get to know him rather then flooding him at one sitting. I guess that really depends on how wet he makes her.
Author spookie Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Spooks, Why have you put off school? You know that loans, housing, registration and such take time and planning. You are sabatoging your future then feel helpless when it dawns on you that school starts in 2 days. Come on. You are smarter then that. Go to the school's financial aid office. Make an appointment with a counselor and work out a plan. Yes, you will have to fill out a mountain of boring paperwork. There are loans and federal funding to help you. Most of these don't have to be paid off until after graduation. If your parents' have really cut you off then you can claim yourself as an independent and receive federal grants to pay for some of the costs. Talk to the financial aid office about that and listen to what they say. Take a notebook and jot down what you need to do. Get a calendar and organize your deadline dates. You could look into on campus housing and use a portion of the financial aid to pay for it. A more structured environment might benefit you and your studies. It might be too late to get enrolled for this semester but you can get set up for next semester. Once you get a plan and all your paperwork completed, following semesters are easier. You seem to be more concerned with dating rather then school. That is unfortunate because an education will benefit you more in the longer term. Financially, intellectually, and romantically. What do you want to be when you grow up Spook? I will get it sorted out. I will. The irony in all this is that I have ONE class left for my BA Economics and just three for my BS Math. That's just one semester... and if I had planned right where registration etc. were concerned, I would have already graduated. I was just such a freaking emotional mess this entire last year and a half that I made a lot of reallllly bad decisions (because I couldn't muster energy to care) the consequences of which I am dealing with now. What do I WANT to be when I grow up? I have always wanted to be a writer and even now a large part of me feels like unless I succeed in doing that, I won't have fulfilled the only dream I've ever had. Unfortunately, an equally large part of me has always believed I have no talent and not nearly enough luck/willpower to even moderately "make it" at something so competitive, so since high school I've been going down the math path, which will likely lead to a career as an actuary. I think the advice for pursuing "what I really want to do" isn't as obvious as "just write then", because, once I allow myself to, I become obsessive about it; it starts taking over my life and rendering me incapable of attending to any responsibilities. So, typically, I "just write" for a month, realize I'm going down a self-destructive path, and "quit", promising myself I will focus on more productive things (like actuarial exams) instead. It's a cycle I've been going through since high school. I've been moderately successful with all my finished pieces (which are few), but, still, I have no faith in myself. Besides, I'm wary of going down the hippie loser road that so many of my friends are on, because, of all the aspiring creative geniuses I know (and I am fairly well acquainted with the community here in Austin, a pretty artsy town) only a handful have any talent and the rest are delusional and simply too self-indulgent and lazy to pursue actual careers. That may be harsh, but I've been to so many readings and shows at which the only people in the audience were the entertainers' bored and pissed off friends that I feel I'm entitled to an opinion.
D-Lish Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I guess that really depends on how wet he makes her. NEMO! You're a bad boy!
Leoni Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 The irony in all this is that I have ONE class left for my BA Economics and just three for my BS Math. That's just one semester... Get practical spook. Find yourself two jobs that pay for your living and finish your BA. Get a better job to pay for your entire living expenses and finish off the rest of the courses, one or two at a time, to finish off your BSc. It's not a necessity that you finish it all at once.
Author spookie Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Hey Spookie, Can you enrol in a community college at least? Where are you planning to attend? Yeah, I can imagine it must be tough. With you quitting that job and all. Hey, move in with the AS guy. Does he live alone? I can't (productively) enrol in a community college cause I'm so far into my degree that none of those classes would count toward it. I'm planning to finish up here at the University of Texas. AS guy... at this point he seems perfectly content just being my pen pal. We've email (at length) 2-4 times a day but he has yet to ask me out. I don't know if that's supposed to be my move? I was going to add, about your feeling regarding full disclosure, Spookie, that you can always let information trickle out as you get to know him rather then flooding him at one sitting. Forget the full disclosure.... You might take the semester off to settle some stuff- I like that response. Some things are best left for the second date. lol. I decided to go with this philosophy and answered his question with the abbreviated version, which is that classes start tomorrow, but I'm taking the semester off cause of money problems. I expected him to be judgemental (because I'm judgemental of myself I guess) but he was great about it. He even tried to console me.
Author spookie Posted January 14, 2008 Author Posted January 14, 2008 Get practical spook. Find yourself two jobs that pay for your living and finish your BA. Get a better job to pay for your entire living expenses and finish off the rest of the courses, one or two at a time, to finish off your BSc. It's not a necessity that you finish it all at once. I will re-enroll for the summer semester to finish off eitehr one or both degrees but this semester's out of the question even if I had two jobs, cause there's a bar on my registration for money I owe now.
Leoni Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I will re-enroll for the summer semester to finish off eitehr one or both degrees but this semester's out of the question even if I had two jobs, cause there's a bar on my registration for money I owe now. Okay, then you can bust arse working, for this semester, accrue sufficient monies to pay off what you owe and finance a course for the summer, while still continuing to work through the summer. Don't drop your job(s) because you're in a hurry to meet unfeasible personal expectations.
Storyrider Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 We should chat about Austin some time. You might know some people I used to babysit. Ha ha.
Recommended Posts