InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I have been involved with a married man for the last year and a half. He has told me he loves me and I have always believed him and he knows that I love him too. We became great friends before our relationship turned physical. The first time things took a sexual turn he told me that something like that must never happen again but he still wanted me in his life because we such great friends. So we continued to see each other and of course couldn’t keep our hands off each other and each time he would say how we need to control it and that I need to find someone that can give me what he cant. Six months ago, I got a new job that planted me just a short walk from where MM works. He was extremely supportive of me taking the job since I was very unhappy where I was and this is and was a great career move for me. I had told him I would not take the job if he were not comfortable with me so close by. He tells me now that he thought maybe us working so closely and being able to see each other more often would help to control the physical part of our relationship since we would be more used to seeing each other and we would be busy with our jobs and coworkers and maybe we would just see each other now and then. That being said, MM knows that I love him and even though he says I need to find someone else, every single day since I have worked outside of the days one of us has been off of work we have met for lunch or spent some time together. He always does the asking, I decided that I wouldn’t ask him so I could never be accused of making him do anything he didn’t want. He claims he wants keep our relationship as friends but it still becomes physical quite often. To see each other together, clearly we are more than just friends. But now that MM sees me every day during the week, it has become rare that we see each other at all after work. We still spend time in the evening together now and then but its been a while. He still calls me at night and we talk or send text messages or IM’s every night, he always wants to know what I’m up to... Today MM and I had lunch together and its been on my mind a lot lately that I’m feeling like he is just using me and making me feel like someone to go to lunch with and not like a real friend let alone someone who is more than a friend. I’m starting to feel like if he wants to call me a friend then I need to be a friend the whole world can know about. The end of the day came and I asked him if he had to get right home or if we could get together to talk and he told me yes he had to go home. He texted me later asking what I wanted to talk about and I responded that it was something I want to talk about in person. He said he understood but called me later and asked me what it was and I told him we could talk next week during lunch (since that’s the only time I get) but he pressed on about what was bothering me and did I want to ask him about doing something together and I told him no that I have never asked him to do anything and I’ll never ask him to do anything since he’ll just tell me no. I started crying after that and I always end up apologizing for getting emotional. I just don’t understand why if he knows I love him and he loves me but he tells me he cant give me what I deserve does he still want to be with me every day? If he knows how I feel and knows I want more why doesn’t he stop trying to make me love him
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I just don’t understand why if he knows I love him and he loves me but he tells me he cant give me what I deserve does he still want to be with me every day? If he knows how I feel and knows I want more why doesn’t he stop trying to make me love him Because he is married. It all will come back to the fact he wears a ring on his finger. He cannot make any promises to you that he can keep, he will not put you first. Everything most of the time will be on his terms and his time frame. He won't make you stop loving him because he loves having two women meeting all his needs. Why on earth would he want to give that up? What an ego rush for him! He will continue to take take take from you for as long as you let him. HE LOOKS OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. And, number one ofcourse is HIM. You say you cry all the time over this, doesn't that tell you something? Love or not, nothing should make you cry and feel so sad...It's unhealthy and not a way to live life, stolen moments that make you feel good, then quickly disappear when he can't be there for you. You deserve so much more but you will not ever get that from him.
4everloveu Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) This is not a healthy relationship. When you cry too much over time. I only see MM for a short period of time. He has been seperated from his wife for many years. I still miss him everyday. I know if we continued see each other, neither one of us can't control ourself. He decided the NC part. He had been seperated from his wife for many years and live by himself. I know that I deserve better and that what MM told me too. Edited January 12, 2008 by 4everloveu
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 Because he is married. It all will come back to the fact he wears a ring on his finger. He cannot make any promises to you that he can keep, he will not put you first. Everything most of the time will be on his terms and his time frame. He won't make you stop loving him because he loves having two women meeting all his needs. Why on earth would he want to give that up? What an ego rush for him! He will continue to take take take from you for as long as you let him. HE LOOKS OUT FOR NUMBER ONE. And, number one ofcourse is HIM. You say you cry all the time over this, doesn't that tell you something? Love or not, nothing should make you cry and feel so sad...It's unhealthy and not a way to live life, stolen moments that make you feel good, then quickly disappear when he can't be there for you. You deserve so much more but you will not ever get that from him. I guess its gotten a lot tougher now that I see him all the time and see how he reacts when we've run into people that know him. Someone asked him if I was his wife and he said no I was just someone from work. Not only didnt I feel like a friend, I felt like no one. I've told him how that made me feel and I've cried a lot about a lot of different things and he likes to tell me how hard it is on his end too. Its just so hard to stay upset with him since we really do care for each other and when i get upset he always works very hard to make sure I don't stay that way. Sometimes I think that all these times he wants to see me at lunchtime that instead of coming running to him I should be too busy just like he is, but loving him as much as I do makes it very hard to say no.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 When he tells me he wants us to always be friends and keep me in his life because he enjoys my friendship is that what he really means or what is he really looking for?
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Don't make it all about him. What about YOU? Think ahead abit, not so much in the moment...In the moments you are with him or talk to him, you feel good, but as soon as he isn't around or he gets busy with his wife, family and doesn't have time for you, you hurt. THAT is NOT a friendship and it definately isn't healthy for you for a number of reasons. You are going to miss out on someone wonderful because of him. A guy who you could have alot of potiental with won't be noticed because all your energy is focussed on the MM. Him keeping you in his life is self serving and selfish, it has nothing to do with real honest friendship either.
RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 He is selfish, nothing more. Just trying to keep it simple.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 Don't make it all about him. What about YOU? Think ahead abit, not so much in the moment...In the moments you are with him or talk to him, you feel good, but as soon as he isn't around or he gets busy with his wife, family and doesn't have time for you, you hurt. THAT is NOT a friendship and it definately isn't healthy for you for a number of reasons. You are going to miss out on someone wonderful because of him. A guy who you could have alot of potiental with won't be noticed because all your energy is focussed on the MM. Him keeping you in his life is self serving and selfish, it has nothing to do with real honest friendship either. Thats exactly how it feels and it became even more apparent just how hard it is over the holidays. It actually seems like since he's had me as a part of his life he is less unhappy at home and has started doing more things with the wife and kids when they never used to do anything. I'm certain that he loves me though but I just dont know why these MM are unhappy enough to start a relationship with someone else and fall in love but still stay with the person that is the reason they sought out someone else in the first place. I guess its because we let them
RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I am a MM and have been involved with a MW for quite sometime now. Things appear to be coming to an end for both of our marriages. The reason that the MW and I came to be together while we were still married was that we lacked the courage to end the bad marriages we were in. I am not making excuses for myself, I know what I did was wrong, but some men are not nearly as courageous with emotional issues as they are with physical ones. I have been telling myself all day to just smile and go on about my business, unsuccessfully of course, but maybe it will work for you.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 He will be 40 this year and has been with her since he was about 18. His relationship with me is the first time he has ever strayed. I know he isnt happy there but he is such a wonderful man, smart, funny, has a great job, extremely handsome and kind and I know he doesnt want to do anything that would upset his family and come between his ability to see his kids. He has told me they are like brother and sister living in the same house. But as things move along and nothing changes I start to wonder if he really does love me the way he says he does or If I'm just some kind of entertainment for him. I hate to have those kinds of thoughts but its hard not to wonder what is going on inside his head sometimes. Its very hard to keep it all bottled up inside sometimes.
RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I know his pain about hurting his family. It will sound selfish but I have grown tired of waiting for my marriage to get better. We have been together for 10 years and have tried. If and when I actually leave I don't think my wife will really be surprised. I know that she is unhappy. It is a tough decision to make to throw away 10 years or 22 in his case for something that he is not sure about. If he really loves you and knows that he will not be happy with his wife then he should leave. I have been on this forum for only a week but have read and learned quite a bit from some of the more established members. How long has he been unhappy in his marriage? It seems that a lot of the folks that post here find the unhappiness begins when the affair begins. Not all but most.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 He has been married for 13 of those years. They have a six year old and a 10 year old. I don't know when he truly became unhappy but he and I met online we were friends before we met. He would tell me about his problems and I guess I was the supportive friend that helped him though it all. I didnt have a romantic interest in him at that time but once we met our friendship evolved into the situation we are now both in. He lost weight before he met me and definetly seems more self assured then when I first met him. It truely baffles me that the changes in him could go unnoticed at home. So no I'm not the reason he's became unhappy im the reason he became more tolerant of his unhappiness.
RCCDMA Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 That was a really good answer. I hope that he finds whatever it is that he is looking for or he will end up hurting you, his wife, his children and in the long run himself.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I just don’t understand why if he knows I love him and he loves me but he tells me he cant give me what I deserve does he still want to be with me every day? If he knows how I feel and knows I want more why doesn’t he stop trying to make me love him He still wants to be with you because he cares about his needs and getting them met...He doesn't care about your needs or he wouldn't treat you as a "friend" when you are clearly not friends... Friends go shopping with each other, happy hour, the movies etc...Friends do not hook up occasionally, profess their love to each other and then one goes home to their W and the other goes home alone... You two are lovers...And he is willing to hurt you in order to get what he wants...If you are ok with that, then you are ok with that...But if you are not, which that's the way it seems, then you need to do something about that... If you want to be platonic, you need to end the physical R...If you want to stay romantically involved, you need to reach a compromise so that you aren't getting hurt all the time...
johnnyj Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I just don’t understand why if he knows I love him and he loves me but he tells me he cant give me what I deserve does he still want to be with me every day? If he knows how I feel and knows I want more why doesn’t he stop trying to make me love him The guy is married, just forget about him and move on with your life. Find some other guy, please. I think all the stuff you said about the new job being a great career move and all, just a bunch of baloney. I think you were looking for something close to where he works so you can be closer. You are so in love you can't see straight anymore. What a world of misery and confusion you are living in girl. I don't want to come off as a preacher or something, but just write him off and free yourself. Don't waste your youth and your years on someone you can't have. Here's my advice. Get a new job, and whatever phone numbers/emails you gave your unfaithful jackass, change them. Lose contact. There are so many great men out there, single and attractive and hunks for you... and you are wasting your time being in love with someone who is married.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 The guy is married, just forget about him and move on with your life. Find some other guy, please. I think all the stuff you said about the new job being a great career move and all, just a bunch of baloney. I think you were looking for something close to where he works so you can be closer. You are so in love you can't see straight anymore. What a world of misery and confusion you are living in girl. I don't want to come off as a preacher or something, but just write him off and free yourself. Don't waste your youth and your years on someone you can't have. Here's my advice. Get a new job, and whatever phone numbers/emails you gave your unfaithful jackass, change them. Lose contact. There are so many great men out there, single and attractive and hunks for you... and you are wasting your time being in love with someone who is married. I was very unhappy at my job for long time and MM knew that and with his support and encouragement I finally had the backing of someone that I knew wanted the best for me for my career to make me happier. So yes in many ways knowing I had someone close by was comforting to me when I took the steps of taking a job in the big city, something that was completely new to me. Making a big change is a lot easier with the enourgament of someone that loves you. It has definetly been an extremely confusing time in my life and I've tried to get some space from him a few times in the past but he just reels me right back in. Its good for me to read all the responses here from people that arent emotionally involved in all of this. I think this will help me look at things between us with a bit less of a rosy picture.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 The bottomline is, he is married. He isn't yours to have, even if he is offering himself up to you. Say no! One day the right (single and available) man will walk into your life when you're least expecting it.
Author InvisibleGirl Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 He and I spoke last on Firday. The only contact he has had with me over the weekend has been text messages and my responses have been very short and cold. I know that he knows that its because I'm upset and if he really cares about me as much as he says he does he should be finding the time to call me no matter what else he has going on over there. I know he'll want to see me tomorrow so he can make sure im 'ok'. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to him.
mopar crazy Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 WWIU said everything I would have but wanted to add more. I was an OW to a man in a CR. He M her shortly after it ended due to her becoming pregnant. I use to cry over him all the time. Even seeing his car would make me cry, it was pathetic! But when I was w/ him all those feelings didn't mean anything. This went on for about 3 years. I dated others but always thought of CM so I would end the R w/ the other guys. I let a real great guy go b/c of CM, stupid me! After I finally had enough I stopped trying to see him and went NC. He never tried contacting me so I knew it was over. I was much better off w/o him and I never cried over him again. You can find a great SG. Crying over a MM is not a healthy way to live.
precious1357 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There are so many great men out there, single and attractive and hunks for you... and you are wasting your time being in love with someone who is married. Where are the great single attractive hunks???
luvmy2ns Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I'm certain that he loves me though but I just dont know why these MM are unhappy enough to start a relationship with someone else and fall in love but still stay with the person that is the reason they sought out someone else in the first place. I guess its because we let them What makes you think the reason is anything but this man's over-inflated sense of entitlement?
Tomcat33 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 (edited) One day the right (single and available) man will walk into your life when you're least expecting it. Please don't take this the wrong way WWIU but the most annoying thing you can say to someone who is already in love with someone, available or not, is "don't worry someone else will come your way" They don't WANT anyone else, they are head over heels in love with someone already what the heck do they care about anyone else? I know you mean well when you say that or when people say that but honestly people should can it with the "find yourself a single guy" routine because no one wants to hear that as much as it makes sense in theory the last thing on a person's mind is meeting someone new, while in love in an A. It's like telling a person forget your H you'll meet someone else, why would you? you love your H and want to be with him, who gives a darn about anyone else? This may sound angry but it isn't at all I am just remembering how it used to really bug me when friends would say that to me, because it means they were not listening to me at ALL, they just wanted to say whatever to make it right, I knew I could have any other guy I wanted, they knew it too but that's not what I wanted at the time and there is nothing anyone can say to make it right you feel what you feel no matter how crazy it seems looking from the outside in. Edited January 14, 2008 by Tomcat33
luvmy2ns Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 His relationship with me is the first time he has ever strayed. And you know this because he told you, right? Do yourself a favor and stop seeing this guy. He's getting what he wants, and you're getting the proverbial carrot dangled in front of your face. If push comes to shove, he'll snatch that carrot away so fast you'll wonder if it was even there to begin with.
Tomcat33 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 There are so many great men out there, single and attractive and hunks for you... and you are wasting your time being in love with someone who is married. Where are the great single attractive hunks??? I am sure there are, but that's not the point, the point is she is IN LOVE with who she is in love with. Let her come to terms with what she will do in relation to continuing or not with this MM THEN you can shove a single guy down her throat. Seriously do you people not remember what it is like to be head over heels in love with someone? Do you REALLY have room for anyone else when you are feeling that way? C'mon...I guess some of you have been out of the game for too long and forget what it is like to be in love....
reboot Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Seriously do you people not remember what it is like to be head over heels in love with someone? Do you REALLY have room for anyone else when you are feeling that way? C'mon...I guess some of you have been out of the game for too long and forget what it is like to be in love....TC, damn you. Your argument is unimpeachable.
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