upto_here Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 what is closure mean to you ? and why some of us here still want the closure ???
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) what is closure mean to you ? and why some of us here still want the closure ??? to me, i think closure is when you're just over it, when you realize you finally, honestly just don't care anymore--and it has to happen naturally, it can't be forced out of someone else. i don't think closure is something anyone can provide for you, it has to just happen. people always say they want closure, but mostly, it seems they want a chance to be around the other person and use it as an excuse to do so, perhaps because they miss them or even because they're hoping to change the outcome. no one can 'give you closure'. you have to arrive at it on your own. Edited January 11, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely
Geishawhelk Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 "It doesn't mean the matter is ended and forgotten, it means you've reached a turning point that allows you to go forward, where before that you could only look backwards." from Esangha forum, posted by Eijo, of Japan. I thought this was a powerful description of closure, and it would merit being posted here. But it's not my own and I would never claim it to be so. Therefore I have referenced it.
KATANYA Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 For me, closure was being able to move forward and stop dwelling on the search for answers and explanations to questions and feelings that I could not otherwise left go of. Closure was saying "I accept what has happened and I don't need to live with it every day, every minute, every second.....I can move on". I think some who need or want to speak to their exMM/MW in order to have closure are no necessarily using this as their excuse to see their ex again.....I really think they need explanation, clarification and validation of their lost R. Many times it doesn't happen but people seem to be able to move forward easier (not that its EVER easy) when they get answers from the people who hurt them. JMO
brothermartin Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I think in some circumstances, closure CAN come from somewhere, or someone else. If you were to ask me what would give me complete closure, I would say an apology for the way I was treated. A SINCERE apology! That would give me what I needed to forgive and end the feelings of unfinished business. Thats closure.
indianlover Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I'm not sure, I agree with the "look forward, not back" idea, but recently I've come to question that. I thought I had "closure" from my past R when I was cheated on by him. (I haven't been in contact with him for a number of months). But a couple of months ago I saw the OW wrote to him on a public site - and it made me so angry. I thought I had closure! But the mere fact I could still get angry even after a long period of time, moving away, etc means its not as easy as it seems. Does it affect me day to day anymore? No. Does it still affect my decisions, maybe. Maybe that's why two years later I am now the OW - because I still have not recovered from the betrayal and emotional hurt of being the BS. Closure is not easy that's for sure!
PoshPrincess Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 For me, closure was being able to move forward and stop dwelling on the search for answers and explanations to questions and feelings that I could not otherwise left go of. Closure was saying "I accept what has happened and I don't need to live with it every day, every minute, every second.....I can move on". I think some who need or want to speak to their exMM/MW in order to have closure are no necessarily using this as their excuse to see their ex again.....I really think they need explanation, clarification and validation of their lost R. Many times it doesn't happen but people seem to be able to move forward easier (not that its EVER easy) when they get answers from the people who hurt them. JMO I pretty much agree with what Kat says. Well, this was the case for me anyway. I didn't feel that I had 'closure' with my MM simply because he couldn't tell me he no longer loved me. If he had said, "I don't love you, it was a mistake. I love my wife", I would have felt that a line had been drawn under our R. The thing was, he DID still love me, he was still unhappy at home but he could not (or would not) leave. After seeing him the other week (over a year after things ended) I know he still has feelings for me, but now I am the one who has moved on. I have a lovely guy who can give me what I deserve and who is willing to make a commitment to me and therefore I finally feel I have my closure - and I have found that all by myself! If someone had told me two weeks ago that this was possible I never would have believed them.
justice Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 To me, a full and brutally honest admission of the truth would have been my closure. I never got that, only bits and pieces of his version of the truth. So I had to find my own closure, which is the reason I'm divorced. So, in my book, honesty is the best closure.
brothermartin Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 To me, a full and brutally honest admission of the truth would have been my closure. I never got that, only bits and pieces of his version of the truth. So I had to find my own closure, which is the reason I'm divorced. So, in my book, honesty is the best closure. I agree. It sounds like we both got left with the short end of the stick. My ex did some nasty things to me after she left me, and didn't even give me a reach-around.
justice Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Boy do I know that feeling! The best thing you can do is to go on with your life and make it as full and as satisfying as you can. Without the one who crapped on you. Ironically, mine has been bugging me since a little bit after the divorce wanting to come back. My answer? You had your chance, you blew it, now you live with the decision you made that caused the divorce. NO MORE for me.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 what is closure mean to you ? and why some of us here still want the closure ??? Personally closure is when I decide I am through...I just decide it, nothing necessarily has to happen... I think some people want validation and that is different than closure...They want to feel that they didn't waste part of their life...I'm not saying that's you, but that's what I infer from a lot of posts on the forum...That some people can't make their own closure unless they feel validated... IMO
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