JustBreathe Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Lots of people, including my H, say one of the reasons they cheated is because they needed "validation". What exactly does "validation" mean insofar as cheating is concerned?
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 To feel needed, to have attention, to be heard, to be adored. To know they still 'have it' to still be desirable to other people.
Trimmer Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Lots of people, including my H, say one of the reasons they cheated is because they needed "validation". What exactly does "validation" mean insofar as cheating is concerned? Having someone outside of you confirm your own view of yourself, or perhaps more importantly, the view you want to have of yourself. A spouse wants to be loved, yes, but one also wants to think of onesself as a lovable person. Some are confident enough to simply believe this of themselves, but others need to be "validated" by receiving assurance - a kind of reflected view - from the outside. If you don't think you are getting that validation from the outside, some people can have a crisis of confidence in their view of themselves. So if that outside validation is needed, but isn't felt coming from a spouse, and someone else comes along and provides it (maybe along with further validation of being young, virile, attractive, sexy - however else the person in crisis would like to think of him/herself), then bingo. If someone reflects back the view that you want to have of yourself when you don't think you are getting that from your spouse, and sparks fly. I'm not presenting this as an excuse, a reason, a rationalization, or anything else. Just answering the question of how validatoin is defined in the context asked.
luvstarved Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Getting an outside opinion of their worth because your opinion apparently is no longer valid, respected, sufficient or in accordance with what they want to hear.
brothermartin Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 The irony is, no one should ever look to someone else, even a loved one or SO, for validation. It can't be found that way. But that same person can INvalidate you until your self image is so distorted that you then need validation from someone just to keep from losing your mind!
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 They want to know that they are still objectively attractive and desirable.
Author JustBreathe Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 So... the people who cheat because they are seeking validation need to feel sexy, virile, attractive, young, desireable, loveable and loved, and are looking outside their marriage for that because they aren't getting it at home? Here's a story for ya: The pretty neighbor lady treats her husband badly. Talks about him to other people while he's standing right there. Flirts outrageously with my husband and every other man within 2 feet of her. She just generally shows no respect for this man who obviously loves her very much and wags her tail at every other man around. He is tolerant of it and I have never heard him say anything bad about her. I am sure that he would be only too happy to provide her with the validation she is seeking. So why would she not accept it from him, yet seek it out from any other man in the room? I don't know if I agree with the idea that some people are so confident they can give themselves the validation they need and some cannot. Do any of us married folks feel sufficiently loved, adored, sexy, virile, young and desirable? I used to look to my husband to help me feel that way. Why couldn't he accept it from me when I was so willing to provide it? Why did he have to go elsewhere?
brothermartin Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I don't know if I agree with the idea that some people are so confident they can give themselves the validation they need and some cannot. Do any of us married folks feel sufficiently loved, adored, sexy, virile, young and desirable? I used to look to my husband to help me feel that way. Why couldn't he accept it from me when I was so willing to provide it? Why did he have to go elsewhere? Wow. Im sorry. That greener grass thing is a bitch.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 So... the people who cheat because they are seeking validation need to feel sexy, virile, attractive, young, desireable, loveable and loved, and are looking outside their marriage for that because they aren't getting it at home? It isn't always a case of 'not getting it at home'. For some, they get plenty at home, but they see that as subjective - something along the lines of "but honey, I know you find me attractive. You are married to me, you are supposed to. I want to know if other people still think I've got it."
michaelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Having someone outside of you confirm your own view of yourself, or perhaps more importantly, the view you want to have of yourself. A spouse wants to be loved, yes, but one also wants to think of onesself as a lovable person. Some are confident enough to simply believe this of themselves, but others need to be "validated" by receiving assurance - a kind of reflected view - from the outside. If you don't think you are getting that validation from the outside, some people can have a crisis of confidence in their view of themselves. So if that outside validation is needed, but isn't felt coming from a spouse, and someone else comes along and provides it (maybe along with further validation of being young, virile, attractive, sexy - however else the person in crisis would like to think of him/herself), then bingo. If someone reflects back the view that you want to have of yourself when you don't think you are getting that from your spouse, and sparks fly. I'm not presenting this as an excuse, a reason, a rationalization, or anything else. Just answering the question of how validatoin is defined in the context asked. Very well said!
OpenBook Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Lots of people, including my H, say one of the reasons they cheated is because they needed "validation". What exactly does "validation" mean insofar as cheating is concerned? JustBreathe, have you asked your H this question? If so, what was his response? And (in your opinion) can he be relied upon to speak the truth about this?
michaelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 The pretty neighbor lady treats her husband badly. Talks about him to other people while he's standing right there. Flirts outrageously with my husband and every other man within 2 feet of her. She just generally shows no respect for this man who obviously loves her very much and wags her tail at every other man around. He is tolerant of it and I have never heard him say anything bad about her. I am sure that he would be only too happy to provide her with the validation she is seeking. So why would she not accept it from him, yet seek it out from any other man in the room? Perhaps in her particular case, the validation she is seeking can't come from her husband. For example, if she bases her self-worth on her ability to attract the attention of every man in sight, there's no way an individual person (her H) can provide that. Not only is this sad for her H, but for her as well, because as she gets older she's going to find it harder and harder to get that validation and she will eventually have a crisis of self-confidence.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 The pretty neighbor lady treats her husband badly. Talks about him to other people while he's standing right there. Flirts outrageously with my husband and every other man within 2 feet of her. She just generally shows no respect for this man who obviously loves her very much and wags her tail at every other man around. He is tolerant of it and I have never heard him say anything bad about her. I am sure that he would be only too happy to provide her with the validation she is seeking. So why would she not accept it from him, yet seek it out from any other man in the room? Simple. Her husband cannot validate her. He is weak... his value is low. Think, who can validate you more. You wonder why a man may seek validation from another woman? When he percieves your value to be low... you can no longer validate him. Just remember that looks are only a part of value... Does that make sense?
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think (in my case but that doesn't go for all) validation was needed because MM had become a "certain person" in his wifes eyes. She took him on face value. But there were other facets of him that she hadn't explored. He was an excellent provider, he was a great father, he was attractive, he leaves his socks in the hallway, he drives very carefully - whatever that seemingly defines that person - he became that person. But because he was unable to show different facets of himself to her and because she was unwilling to see explore different facets of him, that led to his need for validation in other areas of his life - I guess this stems from lack of communication and general busy lives. For an OP to recognise something extra (because it has been revealed to them or because they recognised it) is a platform for validation and from that stems reliance upon that validation if a person needs someone else to validate themselves. I believe that is a starting point for many affairs. The OP also needs validation and receives it in the mirroring of love of his or her affair partner -i.e. "You're so talented" "So are you!" "Wow, we're so similar". I know I'm simplifying, but just so you can catch my drift. I'm not trying to say an OP is better than a BS at recognising something, i think its probably down to circumstance. Maybe the BS have already recognised whatever it is that the WS needs validating but its simply not enough vaildation. What I'm trying to say is that WS needs validation and lacks something whereby they need to search someone else to provide this. And alas, cheating is borne from this. Again, this isn't by any means all situations. But its something I have recognised in my own relationship.
herenow Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think that when someone says they need validation it's the same as needing their ego stroked.
michaelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Simple. Her husband cannot validate her. He is weak... his value is low. Think, who can validate you more. You wonder why a man may seek validation from another woman? When he percieves your value to be low... you can no longer validate him. Just remember that looks are only a part of value... Does that make sense? This makes sense to me. At least, it rings true with my personal experience. The question is why does she value him so little? Is it a problem with him (she sees him as passive and weak), or is it a problem with her (she perceives the value of anyone in a relationship with her to be weak, due to self-esteem issues, so she's always looking elsewhere)?
Woggle Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think that certain people are bottomless pits and no matter well they are treated at home they will stray. Even if their spouse thinks they are the greatest thing ever they need that approval from others. It is this big emptiness that need constant filling but there is a whole at the bottom so they are always empty.
michaelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think that when someone says they need validation it's the same as needing their ego stroked. In essence, yes. Although to me the two terms carry slightly different connotations. 'Ego stroke' is something that boosts a person's self-image, regardless of whether it was positive or negative to begin with. 'Validation' on the other hand implies that, without it, the person will see themselves as bad or lacking in some way.
herenow Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 In essence, yes. Although to me the two terms carry slightly different connotations. 'Ego stroke' is something that boosts a person's self-image, regardless of whether it was positive or negative to begin with. 'Validation' on the other hand implies that, without it, the person will see themselves as bad or lacking in some way. OK, I'll go with that. It certainly makes sense.
Meaplus3 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Simple. Her husband cannot validate her. He is weak... his value is low. Think, who can validate you more. You wonder why a man may seek validation from another woman? When he percieves your value to be low... you can no longer validate him. Just remember that looks are only a part of value... Does that make sense? Makes perfect Sense! Very well said Cobra! AP:D
LakesideDream Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I do not agree that "validation" or adoration, or knowing you've still "got it" is a reason or excuse for cheating..... THAT BEING SAID: Validation, also know as positive reinforcment is the most important and most neglected feature of a successful marriage or relationship. When I got the "I need space blah blah" speach after 25 years of marriage (23 years of cheating on her part, unknown to me), I was lucky enough to have someone right away who absolutely adored me. It didn't/hasn't worked out in the long term. In the short term it allowed me to survive the transition from married to single with acceptable pain and suffering. That "validation" may have saved my life, we'll never know.
RecoverMe Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I think that when someone says they need validation it's the same as needing their ego stroked. Yes, exactly! and when "validation" is used in the context of reasons for cheating, then "I was being greedy" should almost follow in the same breath. Would the H that said he needed validation be wiling to explore with his BS new ways for finding validation that don't include stepping out of the boundaries of their marriage? (providing they are staying together) I could see how intoxicating it can be to like the way someone beholds you in their eyes, as is the case in most affairs. But reality usuallly comes crashing down.
Planofool Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Yes, exactly! and when "validation" is used in the context of reasons for cheating, then "I was being greedy" should almost follow in the same breath. Would the H that said he needed validation be wiling to explore with his BS new ways for finding validation that don't include stepping out of the boundaries of their marriage? (providing they are staying together) I could see how intoxicating it can be to like the way someone beholds you in their eyes, as is the case in most affairs. But reality usuallly comes crashing down. In my wifes case reality took along time to come crashing down. After months of me asking why, she finally said he made her feel good (all of this was over the phone). He was a very smooth talker. Why didn't she come to me for this? All through are marriage of 24 yrs we have talked through our problems. To me Validation covers all these areas and means the same as ego stroked. It also means I am in a fog so stroke away. I am not the most romantic guy in the world and he could spread it on pretty thick and she loved it. Intoxicating descibes it well. Excuse for cheating.......not in my world.
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