velouria Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Why does my heart feel like it's breaking all over again? My husband and I have been separated since the end of June. He had an A with a co worker that lasted one week. He's cheated on me before, we went through years of MC and then, after the birth of our 2nd child, things started to fall apart again resulting in this affair with his coworker. He was being so insanely mean to me, I knew right away. At first I did everything I could to reconcile. I was determined to keep it a secret from my family because I was so humilated because they all knew about his first affair and how much we went through to recover from it. He used to say that it was like one of us had had cancer and had to fight our way back from death. I mean, even this time last year he would say how horrid it was that he almost lost me, almost lost everything that was most important to him. And then he goes and does it again? So like I said, I was trying to fix it, we went to see our counselor right away and he was all angry with me. He didn't like the way I was with money, thought I didn't have enough respect for him. It soon became clear that he was doing that revisionist thing where he was coming up with all these reason why I was a terrible person who deserved what he was doing to me. Another key factor here is that he said this entire time that he had broken things off with her. Wrote her an email telling her he never wanted to talk to her again, let me read it and sent it. He did that the first time too. He was lying. They were still talking. He was telling her that I wanted out of our marriage as much as he did. He had an agenda. he wanted me and his family gone so he could pretend to be single and pursue this young single woman. So he made it unbearable for me to stay. He told me he didn't have the balls to leave but that he didn't love me anymore. My daughter was spending the weekend with my sister and her kids in a town about 2 hours away. She never came home again because that day, my son and I came to join her. My husband loaded the car for me to drive away out of his life. I was hysterical all summer. I neglected my kids-- was suicidal. (thank god for my family) Around September I got my own place and started to get my feet under me and guess who came skulking back around? Seems chickypoo dumped him and left him all forlorn feeling EXTREMELY sorry for himself and missing his wife and kids. I found out over time that his desire for his family had it's limits and that he was seeing whore no.1 -- crying on her williing shoulder. He was playing me sad songs and saying he missed us and I was like, "Ok, prove it, quit your job where you see that girl every day and move here... buy a house... we still want you." the kids miss him so much. I have my eldest in therapy. I miss him so much. He's been coming back around, we started having sex again. Yes, I was lonely and horny. Also, I'm not the kind of girl who would ever bring strange guys around my kids. I mean NEVER. I would have to know someone for a really long time first. So I'm staring hard at celibacy for the next couple of years at least. I found that sex settled him down and made him more accomodating. I know that's horrible but I felt like it was meeting a few different needs. He signed the custody agreement we worked out with our mediator the day after we had sex again the first time, you see what I mean? he had been being a total ass before that. Anyway, I've been at war with myself ever since. we decided that we would wait until we'd been married for 10 years before we divorced so that I could draw his social security bennies one day. the lease on this place is up in August so we decided that we would wait until then to make a decision about what we were going to do. I'm still very attached to him, and he is to me as well. I haven't been ready to just abandon all hope and just let go. But periodically I let him have it with both barrels and tell him that this is no good. we're both back and forth. He's been such a jerk and kind and generous and sentimental. He doesn't do what he says he will though, more often than not. And he is very resentful about the kids. In fact, I'd say that's his overall demeanor. Resentful. He talks about killing himself, says he is miserable. well, I sometimes google myself ( I know, I know) and last night I googled his handle (nickname intenet thing) and found that he's been following problem girl around on the web leaving flirty comments for her and pining for her and asking her to give him another shot the whole time he's been back and half heartedly acting like he wants to work things out with me. I am such a fool. I know that he's just been stringing me along. Why doesn't he love me more? Why does he pretend to be concerned about me? If not for me, then why not for the kids? We agree about how terrible it is for them to live without a father. He sees the pain it causes them but he's doing this anyway? I do not understand. I am really upset all over again and I want to go no contact with him. I just don't see how I can with the kids. Part of our agreement is that he comes here to see the kids, stays in my house and I go off somewhere else and spend Sat out. Well, I don't trust him here. Why aren't we allowed to go to his place? he says it's because it's not child proof but in 4 months neither the kids or myself have even seen his apartment? What's he so ****ing secretive about? I am miserable. Please help.
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