When does NC get easier? I dont want to feel this way one more second..

January 11, 2008

So yeah, im back-posting another thread. sadly enough-ive watched a sad/happy movie about a woman in a loveless marriage that had an affair. Drove a little too close to home for me, so excuse the emotional mess that is about to ensue!

I dont want to be this woman. A married woman who pines over a lover who obviously doesnt want her. I just cannot imagine living the rest of my life in love with a man i cant have, living a completely shattered existence, while at the same time dealing with all the questions and examination of my own marriage. Maybe im just a "feelings junkie", and im just hooked on how he made me feel, because my own H has never made me feel the way exMM did. Its like living a complete and utter lie, only surviving on the happy moments i had with exMM. Its ironic that time has only made it harder. A couple weeks ago, i stupidly accidentally texted his phone(yes, im an idiot, i still had his number saved, even after 8 months of NC). I felt like a total jack-ass, because the text was about him. (nothing incriminating or embarassing really). After i realized i sent it to him instead of my best friend(at this point swearing and banging my head against the counter, lol), my phone rang, it was him. Or maybe his wife, who knows. I completely freaking froze. All this time wanting to hear from him and i freeze up. What the hell??

He called three times, twice it showed as a private number and the third time he didnt block his number. I really think his wife saw the text, flipped out, and called my phone herself. And being the pansy that i am, i didnt answer. Havent heard anything since. Ugh!! Im so mad at myself-i did finally delete all his info out of my phone and it actually helped me to not think about him as much, since i felt like a complete stalker, truely not meaning to send the text to him(i do that a lot, send the wrong people texts-and im not even blond, haha). But now im back to thinking about him just as much, if not more, than i was in the first place.

Im really considering telling my husband what a jerk i am, and spill the beans about the affair. Because i dont think i can continue living life this way, its not fair to him or anyone else involved in my life. Im not ever really "there". My heart is so obviously still tied to exMM. That, and my H and i have other marriage issues not related to my affair, issues weve had for years. Im just so torn, i dont want to be this person-the loony woman, madly in love(unrequited love at that) with a man who isnt my husband. I dont want to be the one, at 89 years old telling my great grandkids about the one who "got away with my heart". So im curious as to how you get through it, especially the married ones who had an EA/PA that went sour. How do you deal with loving one man/woman and being married to another? Does it ever just work itself out somehow or is it all always living a lie?

Ive never been an overly emotional woman-never really believed in "soul-mates" or overly romanticized notions of relationships. Ive always been a realist and now im just a broken down, sorry sack of crap. A mushy piece of crap who cries over every sad commercial, song, movie, whatever. All because of exMM. Damn him for killing me inside this way! Damn myself for letting it happen!

So aside from the bashing ill receive from this post, and the ones who will tell me " he doesnt want you, suck it up and move on", id really love to hear what those of you who have been in an EA/PA and were also married have to say about the heartache. Does time truely heal all wounds? Im starting to wonder...

January 11, 2008

I'm not married so cant relate to alot of your post, but can to some. I for one dont believe that time does heal all wounds - It helps us learn how to deal with our sorrows, but they will still be there all the same, with less intesity, but still there!

I was wondering why you feel that the wife saw your text? What did it say? My initial thought when you outlined what happened was that its your ex mm trying to get back to you AFTER reading your text. . .he could have just ignored it. Why call? I still have texts on my phone (hundreds of them) between my self and my ex. I cannot delete them, so dont beat your self up about having his number on there after all this time.

I really dont know what to say about your M - I've never been married. I'm sure everyone will tell you to come clean, and working on things with MC. I'd suggest IC and seeing if you can work out what it is that you really want. Then if you decide you want to stay married then have MC.

For me personally the past few months since my relationship with my ex ended have been just horrible. Hideous. The worst kind of pain I have ever experienced in my romantic life. Then the last couple of days things kind of shifted, I couldnt figure out why or how for a bit then I relaised its because I have stopped waiting for myself to "get over it". Instead I have accpeted that he is part of me now - he is in my heart and my head. And I'm not expecting that to go away. Its stopped me beating myself up about "not being over it" and has given me a new acceptance of myself and therefore I'm more at peace peace with myself. Its the only thing that has worked for me to help me feel any better at all.

I hope that you wil get some helpful advice for the LS posters - better than mine, I havent a clue really lol! I also hope that you dont get bashed. Theres no need. You are in enough pain. Huge hugs to you. x

January 11, 2008

LiT, I'm neither M nor have I any experience with NC, so my post is a bit useless to you but I do want to say "hang in there".

January 11, 2008

I don't have experience of this but just wanted to say that I believe that time does heal, whatever the problem is.

I don't know your full story LiT but I wonder whether it would be a good idea for you to have counselling. Whether that is marriage counselling or individual is up to you and your husband. Maybe you could get the love you had once for you husband back, who knows.

January 11, 2008

Hello LiT,

I don't know your full story, but I was / am in a similar situation. Still working things out, but I will tell you what has and has not worked so far.

I told my H about my affair, at first I thought it was the biggest mistake of my life, the first three months after my confession I really thought I may have to get away from everything, just pick up and leave, change my name and start over. My H said he was glad I told him but was so mean, so very very mean. After the angry went away there was hurt, on both or our parts and though it wasn't as bad, it was still horrible. Now, our R is almost back to normal, actually, It may be better (at least better than right before the affair) I know that sounds hard to believe (when I heard it from others I thought it was a load of crap) but truthfully it helps. I really believe you will never be happy unless you tell. The marriage may end (and for the first part, you will want it to with every breath you have)

But, if it ends you will feel better, you will not have to look at your H everyday and wonder why am I commiting myself to a life of unhappiness. If you stay together the M will only get better (believe me, it can't get worse) You will realize how much your H really does love you, you will start to remember all the times you two were happy, and then, only then, you will realize that you have been in a fog for however long you were with MM. The MM was a release for you from you M, nothing more. I know it doesn't seem like that, but it's the truth. It is not him you pine for, it is that type of relationship that you want. You can have that, I promise you. Once everything, and I mean everything is out in the open with your H, the lying and hiding stop, and the anger is done, you will see how you almost threw away the best thing in your life. You picked him, long ago before real life had begun, he is the one (and you were the one for him) that you wanted to start life with, out of all the people you ever met in your life, he is the one that stole your heart, and he can do it again, give him a chance. But you can not half a$$ it, you CAN NOT, not tell him everything, you have to put it all out on the table, so that no matter what happens you know you have nothing to hide. It is freighting, yes, but it is the only way to be happy in the long run!

as for MM, I broke it off with him once before I told my H about A, I was hurting so much the whole time we were in NC, I thought I would never find that love I felt again, the last time we broke it off, (after I told my H) I didn't miss him as much, he still creeps in my head from time to time, but it isn't a pain, only a memory.

Edited January 11, 2008 by lost4ever

January 11, 2008

I do not wish to offend you, but why haven't you told your husband or left him if you are in love with someone else? You are right he does deserve to know. I think it will also help you put closure to something that seems so dead end. Have spoken with a counselor or clergy about your situation to help you move forward, one way or another.

January 11, 2008

This is so sad. I don't look down on people who are in affairs, just so you know but really, reading your story has brought a tear to my eyes. It is very painful to go on with life without the one you truly love but it is the way it is now. You can't do anything about it because as painful as it is, he doesn't want you and you know that.

I hope you will find it in you to move on and tell your husband about this. It may be for the better ~ whichever way you think is better ~ for your husband to end your marriage or to work it out together with you through counceling or not.

January 11, 2008

I dont want to be this woman. A married woman who pines over a lover who obviously doesnt want her. I just cannot imagine living the rest of my life in love with a man i cant have, living a completely shattered existence, while at the same time dealing with all the questions and examination of my own marriage. Maybe im just a "feelings junkie", and im just hooked on how he made me feel, because my own H has never made me feel the way exMM did. Its like living a complete and utter lie, only surviving on the happy moments i had with exMM. Its ironic that time has only made it harder.

I don't think that NC takes away feelings of love for another person, not someone you really love. I went NC with MM quite some time ago, and it lasted four months, at the end of which we could pick up the phone and be exactly as in love and happy to talk to each other as we were the day we put the phone down.

Those who say 'go NC' and get over him, they're talking about different things than being in love. They are talking about the hurt of contact, how each conversation makes you feel bad, and how you need to get on with life without that constant renewed hurt. And they're talking about what they call 'addictive' love, adrenalin, and so on, and the theory is that three months of NC will make those feelings go away.

But really, comfortable love and friendship and closeness doesn't just 'go away' because you don't involve yourself with someone for three months. Otherwise why would we have all those friends we see once or twice a year, or even less often, and still pick up the phone as if we'd spoken only yesterday? Or is that just me ... no of course not.

I know what I'm going to say probably isn't for everyone, but maybe it's only what I would do (in fact what I did do), but if this were me I'd probably text again and see what the truth is. *waits for uproar*. Perhaps he's feeling the same way and is good enough to respect NC because you wanted it. I have to say, that I don't actually remember your story or on what terms it ended with your MM/OM. So maybe this is a hundred miles from sanity or likelihood. But. Perhaps hearing what he has to say would be good for you. Perhaps it would help you to move on better than this NC where you're wondering what he feels or thinks.

And I'm so sorry you're in a marriage you don't really want to be in, and that's a whole other issue...

January 11, 2008

NC does get easier with a long time, and with investing your time and energy and emotion into something/someone else.

I'm betting you've been in NC with OM all this time...but you've not made any true effort into investing your time and energy back into your marriage. You've probably been sitting on the sidelines...just waiting for things to get better.

They don't magically get better. Life's not like that.

You get returns only on things you invest in. The more REAL effort and love you put into a relationship, the more you get back out of it.

I'm not 'judging' you here, but I'm betting that you didn't put nearly as much effort into you marriage as you did in your relationship with OM. Your post sure sounds as if this is indeed the case.

Here's the deal. You DO need to tell your H the truth. You can't expect ANYTHING to get better if you're living a lie. Your marriage can't get any better with this big, gaping wound in the middle of it that your H has no idea about.

What have you really got to lose? You sound ready to quit anyway.

Sit down, and tell your H the complete truth about your affair, about NC, about how hard it is for you to deal with this, about how you felt and still feel about OM.

Ask him to help you fix the marriage. Be ready for his reaction...of course he's going to be hurt/shocked/angry beyond anything you can imagine. He may decide to divorce you...that was a risk from the start of the affair. But he may also surprise you, and see all of this as a wake up call.

Pick up the book "Surviving an Affair", and start reading that. Its got a lot of good info on how to do exactly that.

Confess the affair to your H. Look for some qualified marriage counseling to help you both deal with the results of it. And to help you deal with whatever pre-existing issues there were in your marriage as well. Give him a chance to help you. Make sure that your counselor is one who's got a good plan on recovering a marriage from infidelity. One that uses some of the marriagebuilders methodology is a good bet.

The WORST that will happen is that he'll divorce you. That would be his choice...but you have to admit that if the situation is as bad as you describe, that's not that bad of an alternative to staying with how things are, now is it?

And its entirely possible that things CAN get better once the truth is out, and both of you REALLY start to commit to work on the marriage.

Last thing...even after you confess, don't expect that you'll suddenly feel that everything is ok in your marriage now. Don't expect that you'll immediately fall back in love with your H. But DO give him and yourself sometime and opportunity to try to let yourself fall back in love with him again.

January 11, 2008

Here's the deal. You DO need to tell your H the truth. You can't expect ANYTHING to get better if you're living a lie. Your marriage can't get any better with this big, gaping wound in the middle of it that your H has no idea about.

What have you really got to lose? You sound ready to quit anyway.

Sit down, and tell your H the complete truth about your affair, about NC, about how hard it is for you to deal with this, about how you felt and still feel about OM.

Ask him to help you fix the marriage. Be ready for his reaction...of course he's going to be hurt/shocked/angry beyond anything you can imagine. He may decide to divorce you...that was a risk from the start of the affair. But he may also surprise you, and see all of this as a wake up call.

Pick up the book "Surviving an Affair", and start reading that. Its got a lot of good info on how to do exactly that.

Confess the affair to your H. Look for some qualified marriage counseling to help you both deal with the results of it. And to help you deal with whatever pre-existing issues there were in your marriage as well. Give him a chance to help you. Make sure that your counselor is one who's got a good plan on recovering a marriage from infidelity. One that uses some of the marriagebuilders methodology is a good bet.

The WORST that will happen is that he'll divorce you. That would be his choice...but you have to admit that if the situation is as bad as you describe, that's not that bad of an alternative to staying with how things are, now is it?

I think Owl has some brilliant advice here on the marriage problem.

LS can be great, at times

January 11, 2008

Thanks Frannie.

I know that often I come across as bashing the OP...but I don't mean it that way at all.

The first conclusion I came to after my wife's affair was this...NOBODY walks away from an affair unhurt. BS, WS, OP...doesn't matter.

I do hope that the poster considers the advice I'm giving.

January 11, 2008

I suppose I think that in life, most people are just trying to do the best they can. Love is a huge part of life, and to me it's more important than what I'm reading on other threads about morals and God and duty and guilt and so on.

I don't really know how to express what I'm feeling/thinking. But it seems to me that we really should value love more than we seem to on 'Love' Shack at times. What about love of our fellow humans who are striving and hoping and wondering what to do for the best?

Do 'morals' really out-value love? Do promises you made to someone ten years ago really mean more than your emotional needs today? And does a BS really want someone to stay for duty rather than because they are with the person they most love in the world?

Does the moral requirement NOT to have an affair trump the love/need you feel to be there for your children when you no longer love their mother? (personal point of course).

I don't think there are any easy answers to these questions.

January 11, 2008

So yeah, im back-posting another thread. sadly enough-ive watched a sad/happy movie about a woman in a loveless marriage that had an affair. Drove a little too close to home for me, so excuse the emotional mess that is about to ensue!

I dont want to be this woman. A married woman who pines over a lover who obviously doesnt want her. I just cannot imagine living the rest of my life in love with a man i cant have, living a completely shattered existence, while at the same time dealing with all the questions and examination of my own marriage. Maybe im just a "feelings junkie", and im just hooked on how he made me feel, because my own H has never made me feel the way exMM did. Its like living a complete and utter lie, only surviving on the happy moments i had with exMM. Its ironic that time has only made it harder. A couple weeks ago, i stupidly accidentally texted his phone(yes, im an idiot, i still had his number saved, even after 8 months of NC). I felt like a total jack-ass, because the text was about him. (nothing incriminating or embarassing really). After i realized i sent it to him instead of my best friend(at this point swearing and banging my head against the counter, lol), my phone rang, it was him. Or maybe his wife, who knows. I completely freaking froze. All this time wanting to hear from him and i freeze up. What the hell??

He called three times, twice it showed as a private number and the third time he didnt block his number. I really think his wife saw the text, flipped out, and called my phone herself. And being the pansy that i am, i didnt answer. Havent heard anything since. Ugh!! Im so mad at myself-i did finally delete all his info out of my phone and it actually helped me to not think about him as much, since i felt like a complete stalker, truely not meaning to send the text to him(i do that a lot, send the wrong people texts-and im not even blond, haha). But now im back to thinking about him just as much, if not more, than i was in the first place.

Im really considering telling my husband what a jerk i am, and spill the beans about the affair. Because i dont think i can continue living life this way, its not fair to him or anyone else involved in my life. Im not ever really "there". My heart is so obviously still tied to exMM. That, and my H and i have other marriage issues not related to my affair, issues weve had for years. Im just so torn, i dont want to be this person-the loony woman, madly in love(unrequited love at that) with a man who isnt my husband. I dont want to be the one, at 89 years old telling my great grandkids about the one who "got away with my heart". So im curious as to how you get through it, especially the married ones who had an EA/PA that went sour. How do you deal with loving one man/woman and being married to another? Does it ever just work itself out somehow or is it all always living a lie?

Ive never been an overly emotional woman-never really believed in "soul-mates" or overly romanticized notions of relationships. Ive always been a realist and now im just a broken down, sorry sack of crap. A mushy piece of crap who cries over every sad commercial, song, movie, whatever. All because of exMM. Damn him for killing me inside this way! Damn myself for letting it happen!

So aside from the bashing ill receive from this post, and the ones who will tell me " he doesnt want you, suck it up and move on", id really love to hear what those of you who have been in an EA/PA and were also married have to say about the heartache. Does time truely heal all wounds? Im starting to wonder...

:bunny:hi love is tragic....from what i read about your post all i can say is that i am in similar situation as you...everyone is right you can not just wipe him out of your heart or your mind completely theres always something there..i don't think time will wipe everythings off but time will help you to deal with the situation day by day ...i am M and still am ..i told my H about the A as i can not live a lie ..i was torn so much between him and exmm..simply can not lead double life and most of all i wanted to be with someone i can not have or be with....my heart hurt so much at that time ,i am lost....i can still say that i still have feeling for my exmm times to times...theres nothing wrong with that as long as i'm not cross the line ..by contact him ,believe me i was so tempted so many times.....but i always thought that its will cause me more pain whatever the outcome is...so only thing i can do is thought about good memory and move on...i don't know how yours M situation are.. but before the A i was living in hell with my H ...i don't want to be with him ..i thought if i told him about the A he will leave me so i be free from the M ...<how bad is that!> not because i wanted to be with exmm but i guess i just want the excuse to be out of the bad M...the first few months after i told him its was hell ..hell ...i told him why i had the A...and he knew it not that i have blame him everything and he vows to change and give him chances...so i did stay in the M ..we moved away from exmm start everything afresh..and it works out fine..everything is back to normal ..even better..but thats is because he does love me so much..and i can see that ..now..what is my exmm do ..NOTHING!! so i think in my mind i i know who should i be with...

with your situation ...you have to asks yourself that would you really like to tell your h? and what exactly the reason you want to tell him? did you prepare for the outcome? i really do feel for you but the A has end both you and mind and some others in here ...its hard to accept it...but both you and mind still got the H that still love you truly and you can turn to him for a hug everytime you feel low...but some others not really lucky that they have no one to turn to.anyway .good luck..and don't be hard to yourself..

January 14, 2008

I'm not married so cant relate to alot of your post, but can to some. I for one dont believe that time does heal all wounds - It helps us learn how to deal with our sorrows, but they will still be there all the same, with less intesity, but still there!

I was wondering why you feel that the wife saw your text? What did it say? My initial thought when you outlined what happened was that its your ex mm trying to get back to you AFTER reading your text. . .he could have just ignored it. Why call? I still have texts on my phone (hundreds of them) between my self and my ex. I cannot delete them, so dont beat your self up about having his number on there after all this time.

I really dont know what to say about your M - I've never been married. I'm sure everyone will tell you to come clean, and working on things with MC. I'd suggest IC and seeing if you can work out what it is that you really want. Then if you decide you want to stay married then have MC.

For me personally the past few months since my relationship with my ex ended have been just horrible. Hideous. The worst kind of pain I have ever experienced in my romantic life. Then the last couple of days things kind of shifted, I couldnt figure out why or how for a bit then I relaised its because I have stopped waiting for myself to "get over it". Instead I have accpeted that he is part of me now - he is in my heart and my head. And I'm not expecting that to go away. Its stopped me beating myself up about "not being over it" and has given me a new acceptance of myself and therefore I'm more at peace peace with myself. Its the only thing that has worked for me to help me feel any better at all.

I hope that you wil get some helpful advice for the LS posters - better than mine, I havent a clue really lol! I also hope that you dont get bashed. Theres no need. You are in enough pain. Huge hugs to you. x

imstunned, i dont know why i froze when i saw that he was calling me. I guess in my mind i just somehow knew it wasnt him, it was his wife. Why would he contact me over a wrongly-sent text, and not before? I mean, when i accidentally found him on myspace a couple months ago, i sent him a message that said "hi, remember me?", to which he ignored and actually blocked me from contacting him, like i was some kind of crazy stalker. Which i know i am not-hadnt even tried to contact him, not even one phone call before that. Thats how i knew he didnt want anything to do with me. He could have called a thousand times before that text.

All the text said was this:"well, his profile is set to private now, so i guess that means i wont be hearing back from him, haha". So im guessing that his wife saw it, or grabbed his phone from him, looked at it, flipped out, and called me. I know how she is, so i could picture her reacting that way. And i was too chicken sh*t to answer the damn phone. It could have been him calling i suppose-but im sure if it was him then he would have responded in complete anger because i texted him. Even though it was a total accident. I havent heard anything since. Do you think i should text him again? I dont want to dig a deeper hole for myself, as i have just as much to lose as he does. And even though i think his wife is a total b*tch, i dont want to hurt her or their family in any way by digging up ghosts. For all i know, hes a complete *ss and deserves to be controlled by an overly jealous, obsessive wife.

Ah.. i just dont know what to do. Of course i still want some closure, who doesnt? Even if he just tells me to f*ck off. I just want to know why everything turned out to be one fat lie.

January 14, 2008

imstunned, i dont know why i froze when i saw that he was calling me. I guess in my mind i just somehow knew it wasnt him, it was his wife. Why would he contact me over a wrongly-sent text, and not before? I mean, when i accidentally found him on myspace a couple months ago, i sent him a message that said "hi, remember me?", to which he ignored and actually blocked me from contacting him, like i was some kind of crazy stalker. Which i know i am not-hadnt even tried to contact him, not even one phone call before that. Thats how i knew he didnt want anything to do with me. He could have called a thousand times before that text.

All the text said was this:"well, his profile is set to private now, so i guess that means i wont be hearing back from him, haha". So im guessing that his wife saw it, or grabbed his phone from him, looked at it, flipped out, and called me. I know how she is, so i could picture her reacting that way. And i was too chicken sh*t to answer the damn phone. It could have been him calling i suppose-but im sure if it was him then he would have responded in complete anger because i texted him. Even though it was a total accident. I havent heard anything since. Do you think i should text him again? I dont want to dig a deeper hole for myself, as i have just as much to lose as he does. And even though i think his wife is a total b*tch, i dont want to hurt her or their family in any way by digging up ghosts. For all i know, hes a complete *ss and deserves to be controlled by an overly jealous, obsessive wife.

Ah.. i just dont know what to do. Of course i still want some closure, who doesnt? Even if he just tells me to f*ck off. I just want to know why everything turned out to be one fat lie.

If your gut told you that it was his wife contacting you then I'd go with your gut. I just had a little look at your previous posts to remind myself of your situation, your MM just dissapeared didnt he? Thats probably why you are finding this so hard to move on from, you have had no closure whatsoever.

Thing is even if you did EVER get any from him dont expect it to make you feel any better whatsoever. I really dont think you should contact him again. Its been a long time, and I dont think any possible outcome will make you feel any better. He could ignore you. tell you to F Off, or god knows what eles. Dont even give him the chance to do that to you.

I was posting on here for a bit about how desperate for closure I was - after his wife found out he dissapeared too - he lied through his teeth to me about EVERYTHING. I contacted him and he told me they were making a "go" of things, closure I guess but NO ANSWERS. I got what I thought I had wanted from him a bit later on - a long conversation, apologies, explanations of a sort, kind words, etc. Thing is it didnt make me feel any better. Speaking to him made my heart race and made my feelings of missing him more intense. My desire to contact him and see him became even stronger than ever, and after weeks of upset I had to be stronger than ever not to contact him etc.

it seems pretty clear that your ex MM has decided that his affair with you cannot continue. The reason for that itsnt really relevant. Dont take it as a rejection, chances are he got busted, or his wife cottoned on to your existence. I asked my MM what would have happened had his wife not found out and he said he would have wanted to keep seeing me, and that he was not happy about her finding out.

Be proud that your only contact with him was a true error, and keep to NC. I know its not easy. Hugs to you x

January 14, 2008

I just wish i didnt feel the need for real closure. I mean, yes-i do realize its over, it has been for a long time. He doesnt want me, he has shown me that (in a cowardly way), but still. I guess a part of me just thinks this is some kind of weird misunderstanding, like maybe he got a vibe from me that i didnt want to stay in contact with him. Our last phone conversation was so ackward and i didnt get to say what i really wanted to. So maybe he confused it for me acting coldly towards him? Wishful thinking i suppose..

What i dont get is why he felt the need to tell me that he still wanted to stay in contact with me, just couldnt be as often-but yet he still pretty much vanished, and blocked all contact with me. wtf?? He knows me, he knows he doesnt have to tell me what he thinks i want to hear, and hes never been one to sugarcoat anything-hes always straight to the point, and no bullsh*tting. Thats why this is so hard. I told him that he shouldnt feel he has to contact me-and he said that he wanted to stay in contact, not because he felt like he would let me down easy. Said he still wanted me, he just had to cut back because of the wife, and getting in trouble at his work from using his work phone to call/text me. I guess men just turn into completely different people once theyve been found out. Anything to cover their tracks i suppose. Really not just men-women do it too.

imstunned, i didnt mention that after i sent him the text on accident, and after he tried to call me(or whoever it was that called me), he deleted his myspace profile. Or his wife made him. Im going to guess that his wife made him. After seeing the text that mentioned that his profile was private-she most likely flipped and made him get rid of it. But she still has one of course. ugh.. For me, time really has helped to heal with most things. But not with this. It just simmers and boils and festers inside me. I honestly dont know what will make it go away.

January 14, 2008

The bottomline is, he's married so whatever he feels, wants to do, doesn't matter because he is married. He got rid of his myspace because his wife wanted him to. Well, he CHEATED on her, and part of his consquence is dealing with the fallout.

Somehow you need to make your own closure and just accept that the ring on his finger has everything to do with why you two are not intouch anymore.

January 14, 2008

Time, and effort on your part to move on. That's what will make it "go away".

Quit concerning yourself with what's going on in his world.

Quit worrying about whether or not he "got away with it". Stop checking his websites, don't keep trying to decipher his motives.

Change your focus to something else. Concentrate on working on other, more positive aspects of your life.

I've noticed you seemed to have ignored my previous post to you.

Have you read it? Have you discussed ANY of this with YOUR husband?

That's really the ticket, you know? Focus on the aspects of YOUR life, rather than OM's. Fix what's in your scope of control.

January 14, 2008

LiT your accidental text probably really dropped him in it - there's no way his W would believe it was accidental, or that he hadn't been in contact with you to prompt it, or that things between you and MM hadn't just been carrying on on the merry way. So deleting his MySpace profile was the very least of what he had to do to get out of the dogbox.

I agree with Owl though - focusing on him is not going to get you through this. You need to focus on you - getting things right in YOUR world, so that what happens in his doesn't even feature on your horizon.

January 14, 2008

I just wish i didnt feel the need for real closure. I mean, yes-i do realize its over, it has been for a long time. He doesnt want me, he has shown me that (in a cowardly way), but still. I guess a part of me just thinks this is some kind of weird misunderstanding, like maybe he got a vibe from me that i didnt want to stay in contact with him. Our last phone conversation was so ackward and i didnt get to say what i really wanted to. So maybe he confused it for me acting coldly towards him? Wishful thinking i suppose..

What i dont get is why he felt the need to tell me that he still wanted to stay in contact with me, just couldnt be as often-but yet he still pretty much vanished, and blocked all contact with me. wtf?? He knows me, he knows he doesnt have to tell me what he thinks i want to hear, and hes never been one to sugarcoat anything-hes always straight to the point, and no bullsh*tting. Thats why this is so hard. I told him that he shouldnt feel he has to contact me-and he said that he wanted to stay in contact, not because he felt like he would let me down easy. Said he still wanted me, he just had to cut back because of the wife, and getting in trouble at his work from using his work phone to call/text me. I guess men just turn into completely different people once theyve been found out. Anything to cover their tracks i suppose. Really not just men-women do it too.

imstunned, i didnt mention that after i sent him the text on accident, and after he tried to call me(or whoever it was that called me), he deleted his myspace profile. Or his wife made him. Im going to guess that his wife made him. After seeing the text that mentioned that his profile was private-she most likely flipped and made him get rid of it. But she still has one of course. ugh.. For me, time really has helped to heal with most things. But not with this. It just simmers and boils and festers inside me. I honestly dont know what will make it go away.

I understand. I dont meant to belittle your M by focusing on how you are feeling about your exmm - its just that thats something I cant relate to as I am single.

Perhaps he did try to let you down gently. Perhaps his wife did make him close his my space account. My ex closed or made his pvt too. I was gutted. Felt like a huge kick in the teeth. He also blocked me from his e-mails etc. I dont know why he did it but I suspect its because he is a coward. it dosent matter though as the thing is he did me a favour. I'm not sure if he knew it but I looked at his profiles ALOT. They had nothing on them except clues to who he really is - like MARRIED. Any way - now I dont sit and waste my time looking at his profile wondering how his fav film could be james bond when he told me his fav film was the same as mine. it just dosent matter.

Please try not to think of it in terms of him not wanting you. He just cant have you thats all. HE IS MARRIED. People tried to tell me this for ages and I couldnt see it. All I felt was rejected. But when these men get busted what else can they do??

You will get there. I never thought I would - I have posted hundreds of posts on here about my ex. But I finally am really moving on. Rather than thinking "I cant remember the last day where I didnt cry" I have to think about when I DID last cry. This place has been amazing for me but I now do other things than sit on here and browse for information about affairs, and their recovery etc.

I was badly badly hurt, And I still hurt. But I can do better. I KNOW this. And since I started to believe it I am noticing other men. Other opportunities. I know thats no good to you as you are married, but you are already married to a better man. I'm sure it really is the best advice to try and focus on your M. Try and recpature the feelings you had for your husband when you married him and remember how you felt when you watched him waiting for you as you walked down the isle to him.

Try simply accepting the way you feel. Accept it for the moment. Stop waiting and hoping to "get over it". Thats what worked for me. It was like I had been pounding away at a blockage in a drain but was only makng it worse, more compact and difficult to deal with. I left it alone to settle, and it shifted. Try it xxx

January 15, 2008

Time, and effort on your part to move on. That's what will make it "go away".

Quit concerning yourself with what's going on in his world.

Quit worrying about whether or not he "got away with it". Stop checking his websites, don't keep trying to decipher his motives.

Change your focus to something else. Concentrate on working on other, more positive aspects of your life.

I've noticed you seemed to have ignored my previous post to you.

Have you read it? Have you discussed ANY of this with YOUR husband?

That's really the ticket, you know? Focus on the aspects of YOUR life, rather than OM's. Fix what's in your scope of control.

Owl, i havent discussed any of this with my husband yet. We have a child together and i cant risk losing our child because of my dumb mistake. And my husband is the type to get pissed off and leave me with literally nothing-i cant be without my kid. Yes, i make a mistake-and i deserve the consequences to a certain extent. But its strange how some people on loveshack assume that people involved in affairs are just selfish, cheating whores who do what they want regardless of the consequences. Yes, i screwed up. That doesnt mean my husband is this poor, innocent soul who never did anything wrong. I accept full responsibility for what ive done, but that doesnt get him off the hook.

Like ive said before, we have our own issues that have nothing to do with my affair. Ill admit, i still love exMM, i think about him often. But i do invest so much time and effort into my marriage, i do love my husband very much. I dont blame him for my affair, but if he would have done his part in our marriage, maybe i wouldnt have sought an EA/PA elsewhere to fulfill what i felt was lacking in my M. I didnt begin the affair for revenge, because i wasnt being treated well. It happened, and now im dealing with the fall-out. Thats my bad, obviously. I suppose id been hurt and rejected my my own H so much that i fell into the trap that was exMM. I was weak. I gave in to the fact that it felt so good to be pursued, to tell someone my deepest secrets and actually have them listen for a change. And care. To know that someone wants you just as much as you want them.

January 15, 2008

I understand. I dont meant to belittle your M by focusing on how you are feeling about your exmm - its just that thats something I cant relate to as I am single.

Perhaps he did try to let you down gently. Perhaps his wife did make him close his my space account. My ex closed or made his pvt too. I was gutted. Felt like a huge kick in the teeth. He also blocked me from his e-mails etc. I dont know why he did it but I suspect its because he is a coward. it dosent matter though as the thing is he did me a favour. I'm not sure if he knew it but I looked at his profiles ALOT. They had nothing on them except clues to who he really is - like MARRIED. Any way - now I dont sit and waste my time looking at his profile wondering how his fav film could be james bond when he told me his fav film was the same as mine. it just dosent matter.

Please try not to think of it in terms of him not wanting you. He just cant have you thats all. HE IS MARRIED. People tried to tell me this for ages and I couldnt see it. All I felt was rejected. But when these men get busted what else can they do??

You will get there. I never thought I would - I have posted hundreds of posts on here about my ex. But I finally am really moving on. Rather than thinking "I cant remember the last day where I didnt cry" I have to think about when I DID last cry. This place has been amazing for me but I now do other things than sit on here and browse for information about affairs, and their recovery etc.

I was badly badly hurt, And I still hurt. But I can do better. I KNOW this. And since I started to believe it I am noticing other men. Other opportunities. I know thats no good to you as you are married, but you are already married to a better man. I'm sure it really is the best advice to try and focus on your M. Try and recpature the feelings you had for your husband when you married him and remember how you felt when you watched him waiting for you as you walked down the isle to him.

Try simply accepting the way you feel. Accept it for the moment. Stop waiting and hoping to "get over it". Thats what worked for me. It was like I had been pounding away at a blockage in a drain but was only makng it worse, more compact and difficult to deal with. I left it alone to settle, and it shifted. Try it xxx

imstunned, you havent belittled me at all-i thank you for your kindness. Youve given me some great advice. I love my H greatly, but i think our M is hitting a dead end. And not because of exMM. We have other issues that we havent been able to get past. Like his lack of communication and the backwards way he grew up and doesnt really know how to treat or respect women. Ive grown in so many ways in our 10 years together, and he has unfortunately not. Although exMM did show me that i am capable of being with someone who actually cares, and listens, and shares my deep thoughts, and understands me to an extent.

Im not blaming him, although our issues have, in a way-threw me into exMM's arms. Im fully responsible, i could have said no. I gave in to the temptation-and it was sweet for a while. Of course now it has gone sour, and im paying for my mistakes. I dont want to come across as the cold, bitter wife who has no regard for her husbands feelings. I have tried and tried until im blue in the face in my marriage. I have felt it going downhill for the past couple of years now. I just cant imagine staying with someone who doesnt comprehend me, and wont communicate. He also refuses to go to MC, although i have broken down and begged him to go with me. I just dont see it lasting.

January 15, 2008

LIT-

None of that changes my advice to you. I'm not talking anything about 'what you deserve'.

But you're not going to get into a better situation until you do something about it first. If you change nothing...nothing will change.

Maybe your H WILL take your child. Possible. My wife was flat convinced that I'd walk out, hit the streets again and never look back when I found out about her affair.

Didn't happen that way at all.

But you won't know anything until you take that step. And your situation won't get any better until you do so as well.

Your H probably has contributed to the state of the marriage. I don't dispute that. But he's not going to change what he's doing until something shows him that he NEEDS to change. What are you doing to make that happen.

Same advice as I've given before. Step up and do something about the situation you're in, instead of sitting there being upset about it.

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When does NC get easier? I dont want to feel this way one more second..

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