jstar2323 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Alright, before I tell you my story, I have to admit that I have NO game with women. This is particularly sad since I am at least decent in everything else(in my opinion of course) i.e. looks, sense of humour, intelligence, general confidence, 'qualification'. Even worse, I do not tend to fall into any sort of 'friend' category with girls. Generally there is a degree of sexual tension with most girls I know, and a decent amount of verbal flirting etc. However I have 2 horrendous faults...I am hesitant about physical contact and I have no confidence in going past the attraction stage. Certainly I'm trying to change these...I am now able to share straws/spoons and engage in 'real' hugs, which believe me is quite an accomplishment. Well anyway I am in dire need of help. I am not sure how this 'HB' scale works, but I am in a flirtatious electronic relationship with a girl who most would consider a 'knockout.' Ive physically met her twice, she was dating a roommate of mine a few years ago for about a week...thats how we met. Suddenly this year she messaged me about needing a place to stay while she interviewed at my Med school. Obviously I agreed. We constantly flirted throughout the day after her interview and later when we met up with some of my friends she would say things like "we just met for a few days but we have a lot in common," and "everyone here is so smart"(after I said something). Later when we got to my place it was dark and I held her hand to guide her through the bumpy pathway to the door. Now the worst part. After all of that I just completely froze, I didn't know how to move to the next step. When I was getting out my airbed, she even suggested it was 'unneccesary,' and to my utter dismay I heard myself disagreeing and proceeding to fill it with air. I know...pathetic. I had some strange fear...I am a virgin and from our conversations I was pretty sure she is not, even though she is 21 and I'm 23. Anyway that was it, I dropped her of the next day at th airport and watched my dreams fly away. I tried to convince myself it was because I really like her, and wanted to wait in case she got in to the school, but I know it was just because I was a wimp. Well it looks like I'm going to get a second chance. She is moving to NYC, until school starts next year, and she invited me to drive up and stay with her next weekend. I know its impossible to give me confidence, and I am determined to have that. However if you guys have suggestions how to proceed...what moves to make...how to kiss someone when not drunk(the only times I have real confidence)...how to move from kissing to you kno what...etc. That would be great. Thanks
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Is there some reason besides being a virgin that you are so nervous? I would love to be able to give you some advice on kissing as requested, but kissing is a very personal thing from one person to the next. Do what ever feels right for you. I know this sounds silly, but i doubt that anyone can really say, do this or do that.. when it comes down to it in that moment, your situation is unique to you. If you feel uncomfortable then dont do it. I really dont think that you are a wimp, I doubt that she sees you that way either because she wants to see you again. In fact she probably respects you more for not trying to jump her. confidence comes with experience, you will probably find yourself in the situation where it will just come naturally to you, dont work yourself up over it (i know easy for me to say), but doing that will make you more nervous.
Author jstar2323 Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 No thats not the reason really....I am nervous 'because' I don't have experience. I've never really been 'holding out' or anything....I was just way to into school and playing sports in high school. Also I was 2 years younger than my classmates due to skipping early grades, so I avoided the peer pressure by using my age as a psychological excuse for why I was 'behind' my peers. I hope she thinks that way, but I am sure she won't Keep thinking that way if I never make a move, which given my history is quite a possibility. During college there was this girl that I really liked, and I used to give her a ride home from class sometimes. I KNEW she liked me....however I could never move forward and actually ask her out. On Valentine's day that year she asked me three times what I was doing that night, and I knew what she wanted me to ask her...but I failed to do it. After that I think she gave up, and our relationship decayed from there. Now I am over a lot of that...I am not really afraid to ask people out...it is just the intimacy I fear now...the final hurdle I guess.
Lucasarts Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 yeah it seems you are afraid of being intimate or even temptiing that notion with girls...which is unfortunate. However, because you recognize this, you now must step through it. The next opportunity you have with a girl, dont hesitate, dont think about it, just go with it and see where it leads. I think you seem to be afraid of being a failure or being awkward when anything intimate occurs because you feel so much pressure of being the one to lead them into it or at least know what you're doing. The only way to get better at something is by actually doing it, regardless if it is your first time or whatever. You dont need to take things all the way to the end (kissing to sex) start slow if you need to, learn to kiss, learn to be passionate and confident with that, then you can take the next steps forward. If you had only just slept next to that knockout bombshell of a girl in your bed (no touching/kissing) at least you werent afraid to share a bed with her (and leave her wondering why you wouldnt want to touch her or kiss her...could be a good or bad thing). At your age and stage of life, now is the time to really start learning more about the opposite sex in the stages of touch, love (loosely being used here to describe the passion/lust of between 2 people) and comfort. Stop being so afraid of what may be, and just go with what will be. GOod or bad, each experience only teaches us how to improve/realize the good and bad of what we do.
tanbark813 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I agree with Lucasarts. Insisting on filling the airbed was admittedly a bonehead move but the good news is you're seeing all the opportunities. There's no trick for getting past the fear of making a move. You just have to do it. But it's not as hard to kiss a girl or escalate things as you think it is. For some reason a snowboarding analogy came to mind while reading your post. You can watch videos of snowboarders, listen to advice from friends, read up on technique, etc... until the cows come home but none of that matters until you point your board down the hill and go. That's when you really learn. You just need to not be afraid to get going. The momentum will help you proceed. Her inviting you up for a weekend is a great sign. Just have a good time and try not to worry about things. The less you care about f**king up the less chance you will.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 No thats not the reason really....I am nervous 'because' I don't have experience. I've never really been 'holding out' or anything....I was just way to into school and playing sports in high school. Also I was 2 years younger than my classmates due to skipping early grades, so I avoided the peer pressure by using my age as a psychological excuse for why I was 'behind' my peers. Don't get too twitterpated. You need to realize that this is just one girl... and in the end what she thinks or doesnt think of you... doesnt matter. Go for what you want, you dont have to make excuses for bieng a man. If she likes you... great maybe you can have something good. If she doesnt... well hopefully you kept hold of your emotions enough that it doesnt hurt to bad!
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