sadhubby Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 im sure some of you have followed my story my wife left me for the internet guy on thanksgiving. 8 yr marriage and she had an affair 3 years ago it was p.a. never really knew the truth till now and before the ink was dry on her intial set of papers she moved out and was sleeping with the stranger who lives 4 hours away and comes down on the weeknds to be with her, and he is supposedley goin through a divorce too.my question is she has told me that the reason these things happend is i pushed her away left her alone etc. all the classic things they say when they are having the affairs ,yet we are always around each other and when she was staying out till 3 4 am i was here with her duaghter. she tells me now she is happy yada yada. i sometimes have been made to feel its all my fualt. but is it really am i to blame for these actions is it possible i made her do it??? or is it just her who she is low self esteem need the excitment of the chase!! i often think to myself she just got bored with me 3 years ago and now is bored again thats why she left this time she knew she couldnt get away with it again.after all the night i served her and we went to dinner yes i took her to dinner at redlobster got the bottle of wine poured my heart out .she said to me i thought we would just seperate for a year see other people and then divorce if we didnt get back together?? should i take partial blame here really need to know. i dont want to make the mistake again or is she just a bad apple???
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 i sometimes have been made to feel its all my fualt. but is it really am i to blame for these actions is it possible i made her do it??? or is it just her who she is low self esteem need the excitment of the chase!! It is not your fault. I do not need to know you, your wife, your history or your marriage situation to tell you this. We are all responsible for our own actions. Unless you held a gun to her head and said "do this!" how could you be responsible? I am so sick to death of people hurting others and being down right selfish twits and then saying "oh, it's all your fault" "you made me do it!". Stop thinking it was your fault. It does not matter what the situation was, (the same as you), she has choices. Most normal people consider certain things before they make choices and movements, the selfish people don't; * I do this and these are the consequences. * I need to do this BEFORE i can do this, or i know someone will get upset/hurt/betrayed. On a side note a cheater is a cheater, she already did it once, you forgave her and tried to make the marriage work, Did she ever make you feel guilty for forgiving her?? No... i didn't think so. Good luck, i know i have offered you little help here, but my experience in your situation is limited. I just hope you find the strength to move on.
velouria Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 First let me start by saying that I am sorry you've found yourself here and welcome. Next, you must absorb this next part with your whole mind and spirit: what your woman is getting up to is NOT YOUR FAULT. No matter what, even if you were the lousiest man in the universe, what she is doing is extraordinarily crappy. No one is perfect. Sure you play some role in the disintegration of your marriage but you didn't leave, you hung in there, believing her, loving her and hoping for the best. That takes courage. It's easy to bail. Loveshack is a wonderful place to get advice and to feel like you're not alone in what you're going through. I don't know you or your wife but my situation is similar. My X also said that if he wasn't happy after stepping out on me & that we could always get back together later. He wants to still be friends. he still says he loves me. It's utter sh*t. My only satisfaction is that the woman he dumped me and his children for was horrified and dumped him immediately. It's a very small consolation. Your wife (and my X) lives in a fantasyland right now. The galaxy swirls around them and they are the center, the beginning and the end of everything. When her current booty call tanks and she's unhappy with her selfish and superficial choices, she will miss you. She might come begging and pleading for your understanding, try to get you to help ease her guilt. But it is still about how she feels, not because of concern for you. I think of my X as broken. Broken people do not know how to love the right way. They do not have the capability. I would say that since she has cheated on you before and is currently doing so now, the odds are not in your favor. She copped to one affair but she is a liar. How can you be sure there haven't been others? Standard advice here on LS is no contact & get yourself straightened out. That means that you do not call her, email her, text her-- nothing. This can have a couple of different outcomes. If you give her the chance to miss you, she might realize what she has lost. On the other hand, if you do this, you will surely distance yourself from this painful situation so that you can finally begin to heal. either way, you will feel better. Same goes for getting yourself together. If you start taking care of yourself physically and see a therapist to find out what you did to contribute to your marriage ending or at least why you are attracted to someone who would hurt you this way, you will be able to avoid this kind of pain in the future. I hope this helps. Keep reading and post here. Things will get better.
Author sadhubby Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 yes broken is the way i see her my father said somthing similar she doesnt know how to love . i guess i just cant understand that how can someone not know how to love? this is what saddens me and yes she is in her own galaxy its almost like she is on drugs !! and i was gona post up a thread called the bridge becuase i feel she has left a bridge there wich she doesnt want to burn down incase things go south for her .i have tried going n.c. but evry 5 days or so she pokes her nose around. she actually stopped by here yesterday morning to pick up her computer at 8am in the morning?? when she didnt have to be at work untill 11am it was 5 days since the last time i saw her. that was last friday when i sighned the title to her for the car she took wich after we talked a bit she said i could call her and mentioned i havent been calling her ??thats when i said well ya know im trying to give you your space. i am leaving the state next friday and she knows this leaving the house empty for the realotor to sell. she says she really wants to remain freinds. im not feeling that way . the funny thing is she wanted to move to colorado wich is wher im going and we already had the house up for sale. before all this .i really expect to get that call 6 months from now how are things going out there maybe even sooner.but ill be with someone new buy then more than likeyly. she swears she didnt do this for the new guy it was for her. he and her are just freinds it could go that way if things devolope like that. if he went back to his wife she wouldnt care.she said if she had a change of feelings she would call me but if i had moved on by then she would have to deal with that then and not now im mean just crazy **** coming out of her mouth i really just have to luagh at this point.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 If you could break your posts up into paragraphs it would be much easier to read and you may get more replies.
Author sadhubby Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 sorry pix it does look kinda bad like that im just on the rollercoater ride and my mind tends to race ill try and break it up more.
Author sadhubby Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 ok tried going no contact again she breaks the silence!!!! she called tonight and said she would like to come buy and pick up her computer chair. i said fine and was short and blunt not rude of course , she then asks me whats wrong i say nothing i think shes trying to get a reaction from me like i miss you or somthing etc. she says she will come buy tommorow after work at noon and she has to drop off some stuff she found that belongs to ex freind wich is the freind she hates now for several reasons, but all so the freind who told me the truth about the first affair . 2 weeks ago she said she didnt want to be around these people at all ex freind and her fiance who is brother, to man she had affair with . they are freinds of mine and helping me paint the inside of my house to sell. but now she is willing to come buy here when there here ? and also her concern for giving her ex freind her things back? wich i know she hates now is this an excuse to come buy? then while on the phone she says to me i can come buy after work next week to help you clean and stuff if you like after i get off work ??? i told her i would let her know. is all this contact do to the fact im leaving soon whats this all about??? is it to torture me keep the hook in my mouth what is this ?? does she really think i wanna be her freind wtf is she just insane i tried to leave her alone. tried n.c. her ex freind says its fear of me really leaving and she wants to keep me on the back burner so to speak for when the new affair doesnt work out. and if i dont put on the happy face when she comes buy i will just impower her more wich i agree. just curios is to what this behavior is all about any opinions???
brothermartin Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Dude, stop talking to her. Yes, she's finding excuses to stay in your life. Cut them. Give her nothing to work with. Any reason she pulls out of her ass to come by or call or whatever, cut it. You're allowing her to keep you as a plan B. by letting her stay involved in your day-to-day living. Stop taking her calls. Change your number. Don't be there when she wants you to. Give her all her s**t back in one action and anything that she has of yours, let it go. No, none of what she did is your fault, but she's got you wondering if it was, so you feel guilty and obligated to put up with her little petty bulls**t. Stop letting her invalidate you, and you'll see that you don't need to.
so_sad Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Just to reiterate, it's not your fault. Velouria hit the nail on the head by saying that we all contribute in some way to the demise of our relationships, but your wife is the one who made the decision to have an affair. You did not make her. I have found in my own case that self-blame is the hardest thing to deal with. You really have to focus on the fact that you tried to work things out, you stayed, you were committed. Blaming yourself now will not get her back, it will only make you feel worse. Again, it's not your fault!
Gunny376 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Go cold, go deep! I don't care if your about to have a "Brittney Speers" mental/emotional meltdown ~ you're the life of the party. You're the very eptiome and personfication of "Mr.Happy" :) :) Go NC, change your cell-phone and home number. Become un-available. If she calls you about yea and yay? Its not a good time, its inconvienent, etc? Her problems aren't your problems! If your life isn't meshing with hers? Oh freaking well! If your time schedule doesn't match hers? Too sad! Too bad! See ya, wouldn't won't to be ya! As someone else already posted? Your "Plan B" Forget that! Honestly? She had her chance! Move on! There's no shortage of women ~ just in case you didn't get the memo!
Author sadhubby Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 i hear ya gunny a part of me still loves her and feels if she ever figures out her problem and came to me with the right answers i consider reconciling but it would have to be . her going to see somoen like a therapist medication for her depresion problem etc. lots of effort on her part . but yes there are tons of women my age 30-35 that are looking for squared away dudes like me.
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