Profoundly

[Polly31]

For the record, I've spent much of my life knowing exactly what was and wasn't important to me, what felt right and what felt not right, what I aspired to and what I wanted to avoid. This sense of self - or personal code - came naturally, and always steered me in the right direction. It has kept me safe, loved, and hip to a lot of the jive talk that gets slung out there. I never would have guessed that I'd hit my 30s and suddenly not know up from down.

 

To summarize, I fell in love with someone that scared the hell out of me right from the beginning. He was incredibly attractive, stylish, had a job that revolved around beautiful women, and he did a lot of drugs. I've never gone for this type, instead preferring the brainy, FUNNY, kind, compassionate types who are so sensitive, they're barely cut out for this world. But these men have always coddled me, allowed me to feel safe, assuaged my insecurities, and withstood my tantrums. I felt like I wasn't growing, that I was making my world smaller and smaller by shutting myself and my partner off from everything that was potentially threatening. I believe that this last man/boy, the one that I was scared of, was an attempt at breaking out of my mold and casting aside some long-held destructive beliefs and behaviors.

 

I don't know if it was his good looks and self confidence that I didn't trust, or that intuitively I knew something was amiss in him. I still don't know the answer to this, and it plagues me in some way. I hate to think that I didn't trust him simply because I wanted him so very badly. But this is possible. I was so afraid of the potential of him hurting me that I eventually helped manifest this very outcome. I would constantly think he was looking at other women and have outbursts about it. What I didn't realize was that his rage far outburned mine. He turned mean, callous, deceptive, cold as bloody ice, and punitive. And I became whiny and needy and weak and frantic. I think we fell into co-dependent behaviors, and I'm afraid I pushed us there. However, in my defense, each person is responsible for their own actions. He has free will just as I do.

 

I battle with so many questions:

Was I reacting to something that I sensed wasn't kosher in him?

Was I truly so biased that I couldn't see he was a good person?

Was he reflecting back at me things I dislike about myself?

If he really loved me, wouldn't he have been more empathetic?

If he really loved me, wouldn't he have been less angry?

Did I resent him, and was I picking on him, for not living up to my expectations?

Why do I miss him so terribly, even knowing his love is not as profound as I'd like it to be?

How will I ever start to feel a lust for life again?

Could we have made it work?

How can I avoid getting in this situation ever again?

 

Compassionate, thoughtful advice or feedback is appreciated. Thanks

[D-Lish]

Hey,

 

Quite possibly a self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps?

You went into the relationship intimidated by his looks and confidence and lifestyle. So naturally, that intimidation will manifest as insecurity; and that insecurity lead to jealousy and reactive behaviour.

 

I'd say, right from day one you didn't believe enough in yourself or the relationship for it to work out.... so you tested the limits and eventually sabotaged it.

 

That's just a thought. I speak from experience on this matter.

I meet someone, fall for them- believe that it's too good to be true, begin to test my partner's love with destructive behaviour...and then I end up pushing them away. It's a vicious cycle.

 

Is this a possibility- that perhaps you do this too?

[Polly31]

D-Lish,

Thanks for your post. I do think that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can relate to your vicious cycle. I think I bowed under the pressure of being with someone that felt beyond me in some way, alien almost. He and I are so very different. In the beginning, I enjoyed that about us, but in the end, I feel like we both came to hate one another for our best qualities.

 

I wonder if he hadn't of been so cruel, if he had just been kinder, if I would be this distraught over the loss? I'd hate to think that I'm only this distressed because I finally met a man who wasn't willing to baby me.

 

In looking forward, and hoping to avoid this dynamic in the future, I think I need to do everything I can to bolster myself. I need to stop waiting for the perfect love and self actualize. I need to fill in the gaps and stop waiting for someone else to do it. No one is going to run five miles for me, or publish a book in my name, or volunteer at the local shelter on my behalf. My biggest insecurities stem from the fact that I know I have a vast amount to offer this world and yet, am not doing so. I think, if I can start doing those things I know I should be doing, this won't happen again. At least, not so easily or so painfully.

 

How do you manage your unwanted behaviors?

[D-Lish]

SOme days I don't manage that unwanted behaviour. We can change who we are in many positive ways... but our little insecurities and patterns are bound to pop up every once and a while.

 

I always knew my pattern... the fear of abandonment derived from childhood issues that led to the relationship problems in my adult life. I think it came to a head for me when I realized that I had pushed far too many good guys away from me.

 

Simply recognizing the problem is a big step. I also discuss my patterns with my new guys and ask for their help in advance.

 

I am very much in the same place as you. I know I am destined for greater things... that what I do now is a bit stifling... and I feel a bit lost and stagnated over that.

 

So I guess when we see ourselves in that way- it's hard to accept that others see anything different in us. That makes it hard for us to believe in the relationship.

 

I do think that discovering how to maximize your potential and following through with that will boost your confidence and attract the right kind if man.

 

Your ex's cruelty is his personality flaw- not yours. Just like our tantrums are ours to own and hopefully change.

 

Nice guys will let us walk all over them- you probably looked to this other type to produce a long needed challenge. When I am dating someone who diesn't put up with my crap... I don't give any crap.... it's strange I know.

 

It sounds like looking for a different type of man is a good idea- you do seem like the type of woman who needs to be challenged. But this guy and his cruel streak WAS NOT the right guy for you.

 

There are guys out there who can both challenge, respect, AND value the part of you that isn't perfect. This guy simply wasn't it.

 

I did recently date someone and pull my sabotaging behaviour- and he took off. Luckily, he has come back and we are at least talking. The fact that he walked when I got destructive tells me that I need to shape up if I want to be with him. I think I am going to practice shaping up.