MysticStar Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I'd like to know your thoughts on this on. Is it ok for your spouse or partner to have a close friend of the opposite sex? and/or Do you think it is OK for a married person to have a close friend of the opposite sex, and what lines or boundries do you think should exist??? Mystic
brothermartin Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Dose this have anything to do with your question about emotional affairs?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Only if they are gay, or there is something otherwise that precludes any chance of sexual attraction either singly or mutually. There can be no sexual tension or desire of any sort by either party. If there is - even an inkling of it, it will get sticky. It always does eventually. Usually the friendship is started because of that unspoken attraction or desire. Now there are hetero male/female relationships that are 100% platonic in both motivation and deed, but they are few and far between.
amethyst3 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Yes it is okay. And the line is drawn on any physical intimacy. That should be reserved for me.
Author MysticStar Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Dose this have anything to do with your question about emotional affairs? No. They're not related.
quankanne Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Is it ok for your spouse or partner to have a close friend of the opposite sex and/or Do you think it is OK for a married person to have a close friend of the opposite sex, and what lines or boundries do you think should exist??? yes, I think it's perfectly reasonable, with the understanding that your friends and your spouse will have the chance to know and befriend each other, and that the relationship you have with your friend(s) of the opposite sex are completely aboveboard (i.e., no screwing around or anything remotely sexual going on). it's doable, but everyone must be on the same page
Wantingtogetitright Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 IMO it all depends on a few factors. If it is a pure friendship, ie no history, ex girlfriend/boyfriend, never been any form of intimacy be it physical or non, no ulterior motives, if you are comfortable with the friendship and it is does not exclude you then yes. I believe people of the opposite sex can be in platonic completely non sexual relationships. It all depends on how your boundaries are defined and I realise some people are more liberal than I. Mine are very strong boundaries and no form of flirting is acceptable outside of my relationship. I have 2 male friends that I spend time with that I am very very close to, there has never been any history between us other than friendship. We may see a movie together that my partner is not interested in seeing, they can give me another male perspective on an issue I wish to discuss etc etc. A friendship is just that a friendship. If my partner was uncomfortable with the friendship I would need to know why he wasn't comfortable and then assess the situation etc. Same as my partner having a female friend. If I felt uncomfortable I would have a reason as to what made me uncomfortable and discuss it with him. Your gut is normally 99% right, listen to your intuition.
StillSame Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I'd like to know your thoughts on this on. Is it ok for your spouse or partner to have a close friend of the opposite sex? and/or Do you think it is OK for a married person to have a close friend of the opposite sex, and what lines or boundries do you think should exist??? Mystic Are you suspecting that your wife is cheating?
Mz. Pixie Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Only if they are gay, or there is something otherwise that precludes any chance of sexual attraction either singly or mutually. There can be no sexual tension or desire of any sort by either party. If there is - even an inkling of it, it will get sticky. It always does eventually. Usually the friendship is started because of that unspoken attraction or desire. Now there are hetero male/female relationships that are 100% platonic in both motivation and deed, but they are few and far between. I agree with this. My husband has two female friends from college. One he is closer to than the other. She is extremely beautiful too. They've been friends for years and years and I could never ask him to give her up. That being said- they don't talk on the phone all the time or text or email either. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. They talk on the phone maybe once a month. Every couple of months we go to dinner with either her or her and her bf. She and I have become friends as well and we talk on the phone every now and then too. I wouldn't be comfortable with my spouse being as close to someone of the opposite sex as he is to me. That would be unacceptable. So yeah, I think there are lines to be drawn.
Author MysticStar Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 No I don't suspect that my wife is cheating, I'm just curious as to what other people think about the idea of friendships between people of the opposite sex.
michaelk Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Yes, it's okay. I've had female friends throughout my life, including during my nearly 20 years with my wife. I think the line is drawn where it would be with any friend. You should be comfortable having your friends hang out with you and your spouse.You shouldn't spend more time with your friends (in person, on the phone, online) than your spouse.Your friends shouldn't know you better than your spouse does.And you shouldn't be more attached to your friends than your spouse.And of course there's the line that doesn't (usually) exist with same-sex friends: don't get physically intimate with your opposite-sex friend!
bozwa Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Yes it is okay. And the line is drawn on any physical intimacy. That should be reserved for me. Ditto. I agree. I can be a jealous person, but only if I see circumstances to be jeaslous about. My bf has female friends and I have male friends, one male friend being one of my best, oldest friends. We know what lines not to cross.
PinkRibbon Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 No I don't think it is ok for your other to have a best friend of the opposite sex. My ex husbands best friend was female and one of the reasons we split was because of her. He chose her over me. It was ok to go shopping with her but he hated to go with me, it was ok for her to hug and kiss on him when she was drunk, or for her to pet and fawn over him. I didn't see his male firends doing that. And her happy butt was married but it was ok. No it wasn't and well to settle it all he left me. She was more important was one of his words.
Justfedup Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 And of course there's the line that doesn't (usually) exist with same-sex friends: don't get physically intimate with your opposite-sex friend! But does everyone agree on what is physically intimate?
blackbird Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I very much agree with what michaelk had to say. I'd add a couple more things: If there is any physical attraction, it can't be a taboo subject between you and your love. If you find your male friend attractive, I think you need to be able to admit that 1) to yourself -- no denial!, and 2) hopefully also to your SO. (But I think you need to first establish a high degree of trust and communication in general with your SO, you can't just out of nowhere tell him that you have a physical desire for your guy friend. If you don't have that level of communication, I think you need to work on that first before worrying about other friendships, this is the relationship that should come first.) Secrets fester, even if you think it's a harmless desire that will never be acted upon (until you're having a fight with your SO and he's out of town and you're drunk and crying on this guy's shoulder). If your friend finds YOU attractive, they need to be very very respectful of you and your SO at all times, and you cannot let those boundaries be crossed. Flirtatious behavior from them needs to be stopped, or to not happen in the first place. This especially goes for if you're a female in a relationship and your close friend is a single male, though not to say it's not something to watch out for in other scenarios as well. In summary - I don't think it's impossible to have a close friend of the opposite sex, as long as you're not being naive, you're willing to face some truths and to speak about them openly with your SO, and you keep aware at all times that if there is ANY level of attraction involved or even potential from either party, you are playing with fire.
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