Owl Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Mz Pixie- Long time no talk to! I wanted to ask...does your current H know about your affair with your OM, and is cool with you talking with him periodically? I don't remember your situation that well my friend.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 LOL... I'm not accusing so much as your confessing! Hmmm. I don't recall confessing to anything.... I think I used the word "HYPOTHETICAL" but whatever. Those that know me, know the truth, I suppose. Complete rejection typically turns people off. Partial rejections often create a competative response. Now this - THIS - is the meat of your post. Thanks Cobra. This is what I've been thinking, too. I think you are spot on with this comment. Thanks again, babe. I owe you one.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 OK, please eloborate on "partial rejections often create a competitive response". I'm not sure what you mean. Here. Let me spell it out for you. Let's say you (collectively) are in a relationship with someone, and you fall - hook, line and sinker - for them. And then they break up with you, but let's say they keep calling you...or they keep asking you to go out for coffee, or to chauffeur them around town or... etc. etc. etc. You get the idea? The dumpEE struggles to accept the fact that they have, indeed, been DUMPED by the dumpER. That's a tough enough one, because they weren't allowed any real input in the decision - it was made for them by the other partner. And THEN, to compound matters, the other partner selfishly (and rather cruelly, IMO) sort of strings them along (why on earth? I don't know, but I would suspect some pretty significant and DEEP SEATED esteem issues of their own). The dumpEE then never gets, shall we say, CLOSURE? Because of the "partial rejection" from the dumpER. So the dumpEE allows themself to continue with (false) hope of something eventually being resurrected, or the possibility of remaining connected with the dumpER...say, by being friends or something. The Second Chances forum is full of situations like this. Pathetic (and possibly ball-less), in my opinion, but hey - everyone knows what a heartless bitch I am..... Capiche? Cobra - please correct me, if I got that wrong. (I know you will.)
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 Whoops. I forgot the "competitive" part. They dumpEE then competes - sometimes against themself, sometimes against others that the dumpER may also be gracing with their time and attention - to win back the undivided attention of the dumpER, because there is an apparent CHANCE for this action to be successful, as indicated by the dumpER's ambiguous actions. And now we are back to pathetic and gonad-less. (This is where I usually remind the dumpEE that De-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt....)
the_dean Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Absolutely not IMO. I have been in an EA and a PA. The PA is much easier to get over and caused much less guilt because it was only about sex. Emotional Affairs are bad enough without sex but with sex would just make the situation worse. I see one of two possible scenarios. 1. You are always feel awkward and uncomfortable because of what happened or 2. Sooner or later you will have another physical affair. Once it has happened, it is hard not to do again. You guys have given your heart and bodies to each other and work in the same place. This sounds like a total disaster. Too many bad things can happen.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 The Second Chances forum is full of situations like this. Pathetic (and possibly ball-less), in my opinion, but hey - everyone knows what a heartless bitch I am..... Capiche? Cobra - please correct me, if I got that wrong. (I know you will.) Correct on all levels! Remember than in a lot of cases... the Dumper is not specifically trying to string the dumpee along. They simply are not wanting to give up some of the positive's that person brings to thier lives. In my opinion we subconsciously put people into ranks and categories based on how we percieve the values they posses or represent. When you get dumped... that other person is essentially saying your no longer good enough. A natural response will be to try and prove that you are... because that will raise your own value... in your own eyes.
JosieMcCoy Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) Wow Cobra! You are very smart and wise!!! But I don't know about the 'when you get dumped, its saying you are no longer good enough'. I like to think of it as that person is just not for you! I know people 'good enough' and that just don't get my engines revving. VROOM VROOM! Cheers! Edited January 12, 2008 by JosieMcCoy
Mz. Pixie Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Mz Pixie- Long time no talk to! I wanted to ask...does your current H know about your affair with your OM, and is cool with you talking with him periodically? I don't remember your situation that well my friend. My H does know about the affair with OM. And I do tell him everytime that OM calls me. It's kind of hard to explain without getting into specifics but until October we had to be in periodic contact with each other. To be honest, I don't like to talk to OM. It makes me uncomfortable. So he does the calling, not me. It's wierd. I wouldn't say we're friends at all- we just suffered through the same thing or something. I can honestly say though that there is no way I would ever do that again though, with him or with anyone else.
Owl Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 I can understand that, Ms Pixie. Question for you tho...if you're no longer comfortable with him calling you (which is a good thing, IMHO)...and there's no longer a 'need' to be in contact with him since Oct...why not just tell him to quit calling you? Not judging...just asking.
twice_shy Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Can these two people ever go back to just being "friends"? Why or why not? No, you can't go back to being just friends. And if you're SO finds out you had an A with someone and want to be just friends, you definitely cannot expect them to be ok with it. Would you want a man to be friends with a woman he cheated on you with?
cj1988 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Why would you want to remain friends. If the A is over, move on and let it all ago, espeically if you both realized it was mistake. My BF and my H BF hooked up one time, she was single he was seperated. They are still around us, but they do not really hang out anymore. She is uncomfortable, he is not.....he acts like it did not happen and she does as well....people are not who you think they are !
IamASelfishSOB Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Whoops. I forgot the "competitive" part. They dumpEE then competes - sometimes against themself, sometimes against others that the dumpER may also be gracing with their time and attention - to win back the undivided attention of the dumpER, because there is an apparent CHANCE for this action to be successful, as indicated by the dumpER's ambiguous actions. And now we are back to pathetic and gonad-less. (This is where I usually remind the dumpEE that De-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt....) Wow! You are a heartless bitch. Mind you, I'm just agreeing with you. I think that my situation is very applicable in this case except that it's not the apparent CHANCE for any action to be successful. I am resigned to the fact that there is not a chance for a future relationship with my OW, nor do I want one. I think that I have come that far at least. I am essentially the dumpee in this equation. What is bothersome to me is that if I was, in fact, rejected, partially or otherwise, it makes my situation even more difficult to handle. Not only did I make the mistake of having an affair, a big part of which was for ego/vanity reasons, it is an even bigger blow to my ego to be rejected. Therefore, since I am pathetic and gonadless, it was my hope that this woman did not dump me for any reason other than what she has told me originally. This being that we cannot continue our relationship because of all the reasons you aren't supposed to have affairs. By the way, I wholeheartedly agree with all of these reasons. The problem with our break-up was that, according to her, it was not because we didn't have feelings for the other, but because we shouldn't have an affair. That makes having a friendship extremely tenuous. I thought that perhaps we could still be friendly to the other, but my fragile ego constantly wonders if she just ultimately didn't want me and I begin to analyze every action or word without any explanation. It is extremely obvious that I have some issues that I am extremely embarrassed about. I had no idea the depth of some of these. I have found it very difficult to put these thoughts of rejection out of my mind. I was OK with just being friends with this woman as long as I was thinking that we were only friends out of necessity. That being said, I think if I were to be able to correct some of my esteem issues, I don't think having a friendship with this woman would be out of the realm of possibility. I do enjoy her company, but to be honest, there are more than enough reasons why I don't want a relationship with this woman. Until I get my esteem issues corrected, I am stuck in the mindset that I have some need for HER to want ME regardless of all of these reasons. Therefore, a friendship just isn't working for the same reason that I had an affair to begin with. IF I could get to the point that I just didn't care, then I can see the possibility of a friendship, that is if it were even remotely a respectful thing to do to my wife. Bear in mind all of this is outside of the realm of a healthy marriage. I am well aware that the best situation for me is to have no contact with this woman what-so-ever and I wish that were the case. I am just forced into a situation where I have no choice but to deal with this situation. I was hopeful that it could be friendly and comfortable. It's just not turning out that way. The pathetic thing being that I have this need to be wanted by someone that I know that I would not ultimately want in the end. Actually, I think I'm making slow progress as I am realizing these things, but I have a long way to go. Sorry to interject my person problems into this thread.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 I can understand that, Ms Pixie. Question for you tho...if you're no longer comfortable with him calling you (which is a good thing, IMHO)...and there's no longer a 'need' to be in contact with him since Oct...why not just tell him to quit calling you? Not judging...just asking. You know Owl you're right. I should ask him to quit calling- I don't know why I don't. Mainly he calls with news about people we both know and that I don't have contact with anymore since my divorce. He knows alot of the same people that I used to associate with and go to church with and things like that. We've known each other for probably 13 years??? He'll mainly ring up and say "Guess what so and so said or guess what so and so did?" and it'll be a pretty short conversation. I miss alot of my old life- friends and associates etc so I think in a way I want to hear the information, just not from him. And none of my other friends contact me from when I was married before- so it's like he's my only source of information??? I guess that sounds like a bullshxt excuse but it's really the only reason I can come up with.
Owl Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Ms. Pixie, I wasn't 'judging' you by any means, nor do I feel you're giving a 'bullstuff' excuse. Just giving you some food for thought. God puts people in our lives "for a reason, or a season". A person is brought into your life to help you learn or grow in some fashion. Sometimes they're in your life for all of it. Some people are there to teach you that lesson and then leave your life. They're only there, "for a season". Its up to us to figure out which it is with each person.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Ms. Pixie, I wasn't 'judging' you by any means, nor do I feel you're giving a 'bullstuff' excuse. Just giving you some food for thought. God puts people in our lives "for a reason, or a season". A person is brought into your life to help you learn or grow in some fashion. Sometimes they're in your life for all of it. Some people are there to teach you that lesson and then leave your life. They're only there, "for a season". Its up to us to figure out which it is with each person. I'm sorry Owl. I didn't think you were judging me truly. I figured that someone would pop into the thread though and call me out on my statement- which is why I put that in there.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 So, Mustang, did you manage to remain friends? The hypothetical in this thread is just that - hypothetical. I have had some friendship(s) that have possibly crossed the line into EA territory...but none of were ever manifested in a physical way. FWIW, any "EAs" (and I use that term loosely) I've been involved in, have eventually died down. And no real threats to anyone's marriage have existed - that I know of.
Ruby Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Mustang, I hope you do not mind but I have sent you a PM.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I don't mind a bit, and thank you.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 The hypothetical in this thread is just that - hypothetical. I have had some friendship(s) that have possibly crossed the line into EA territory...but none of were ever manifested in a physical way. FWIW, any "EAs" (and I use that term loosely) I've been involved in, have eventually died down. And no real threats to anyone's marriage have existed - that I know of. I wanted to thank you for this thread. I think it's made some very big and profound points in regards to how poeple in this situation tend to behave. I am a firm believer that most Human behavior has a strong biological and instincual element to it. I've often felt that threads such as this help cut through the bickering to the heart of the matter... and the heart of the matter is why do we do, what we do.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 I wanted to thank you for this thread. I think it's made some very big and profound points in regards to how poeple in this situation tend to behave. Wow. Such kind words...and from you, of all people! But seriously, would you care to elaborate on the points that you think have been made? Personally, I think it has just reinforced why No Contact means NO CONTACT, and why it is so necessary, in order for both parties to move on. Just my opinion.
Kenyth Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 IMHO, many men could probably handle it. Most women probably couldn't. Women tend to get much more emotionally involved than men. That's the exact reason why most men out just looking for sex usually get more than they bargained for.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 IMHO, many men could probably handle it. Most women probably couldn't. Women tend to get much more emotionally involved than men. That's the exact reason why most men out just looking for sex usually get more than they bargained for. I agree, and it plain disrespectful to have someone who you cheated with still remain in your life. Real Friends dont wreck each others marriages. Real friends dont commit adultery with each other and dont use that love justification crap here. lol. If you need to remain friends with the OP after you return to the relationship, then you need to leave because you are not taking your partners feelings into consideration. Your actions are effectively saying that this OP is worth more to me than you. Goddamn shame.
Author Mustang Sally Posted January 15, 2008 Author Posted January 15, 2008 IMHO, many men could probably handle it. Most women probably couldn't. Women tend to get much more emotionally involved than men. That's the exact reason why most men out just looking for sex usually get more than they bargained for. Interesting take. How often is it, do you think, that the man is merely looking for sex, with no other attachments? Less than 50%? about 50%? or more than 50% of the time? And if men know that women are so likely to become emotionally involved, and the men still just want sex-and-sex-alone, then why don't they seek relief from, say, a paid professional, instead of the secretary in the next cubicle? Just curious.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 Wow. Such kind words...and from you, of all people! But seriously, would you care to elaborate on the points that you think have been made? Personally, I think it has just reinforced why No Contact means NO CONTACT, and why it is so necessary, in order for both parties to move on. Just my opinion. LOL... you always think I'm mean and sarcastic... Well the important thing we should learn from this is that when engaged in an EA, you should know that unless your partner is single.... getting physical will in all probability ruin what you currently have. Also that we need to avoid situations where we must compete for affection. It makes us seem less to the person we are competing to gain.
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