fireinthearcade Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years but have only just really started getting to know his parents well. Problem is his Mum isn't exactly mean, but very cold and obviously a bit weary of me. I wish I could try to make her see I have good intentions and am not trying to steal her son away from her (we spend alot of time together) but I am very shy so find it hard to make conversation with her. I want to avoid directly sucking up, but does anyone have any tips for perhaps winning her over? My boyfriend has said he will talk to her as he has noticed it too but I don't want him to do that as I don't want to come between them.
Jordane Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and living with him for about 2 years and his mother is still clinging on to him for dear life. She is cordial towards me and she's even my hairstylist (for free too! ) but she's made comments to him such as, "you spend too much time with her and not enough with your friends", or " you don't spend enough time with your family." I don't think he paranoia about losing her grasp on him will ever end but she did stop with her little remarks when he told her that he was 25 and capable of making his own decisions so it's better for her to calm down a bit with her comments. So she's stopped being so possessive lately... The only thing I would RECOMMEND is when your boyfriend talks to her to make sure that he's not simply targeting her. Like, when my boyfriend spoke to her, he made sure to emphasize that he loves spending time with his family and what not but sometimes he's just not available.
birdmadgirl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 *deep breath* There is nothing you can -- or should -- do to win this woman over. If she doesn't like you as you are, then it is her loss. *exhales* I was involved in a four-year relationship with someone whose mother went so far as to make him offers he couldn't refuse (such as renting him an apartment when he lost his job) if he'd end our relationship. This is no exaggeration: I drove myself crazy in my (100% futile) attempts to get on Mommy's good side, hence justifying all her complaints to him that I was, in fact, unstable. I would elaborate more, as it's actually a very wild story, but I don't think it's necessary. What is necessary is that your guy's Mom should understand that you're not vying for the sort of affection a mother gives her son. And, again, if she's made up her mind that she's going to be leery of you for absolutely no reason, then you just have to learn to live with it. That, or run away. Oh - and I agree that you shouldn't have your BF talk to her. That'll only serve to exacerbate the situation. Just be yourself, dear. Eventually, she'll see that you're only making her boy happy. Best of luck to you.
AllInOne Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 This is my cheap advice. Overcome your shyness and engage her in some real conversation. Ask her some things about herself that you think might be interesting to know. This is the mother of your boyfriend so it seems natural to me that you might be a little curious about her so I don't think this is sucking up. Also, maybe you could tell her a few nice things about yourself that she may not know. If she does not know very much about you she MAY fill in the missing gaps with things that are negative and not true. Good Luck!
EYECANDY000 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Ask her do she have some baby pictures of your bf/her son? heheheh the embarrassing ones at that!!!
Lee725 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Ask her some things about herself that you think might be interesting to know. I have found this to work quite effectively so long as you keep the questions light hearted about light subjects (otherwise she may see you as nosy). a lot of People love to talk about themselves and when there is someone there to listen to it, sometimes a connection can be formed between the talker & the listener. Also help her out where possible when there, if there is washing up to do, help out etc, i have found this to work also because it shows that you are capable of doing these things and looking after her son in day to day life (trivial i know but has worked for me - even tho i hate having to "prove" myself to anyone! )
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Ugh. I was married to a man whose mother was the defining issue in ending our marriage. She simply could never let her son go. She phoned our house 17 times a day, made up stories to trick him into coming to the house...she was really passive-aggressive... and she insulted me with a smile on her face everytime she saw me. It got to the point where I couldn't even go to their house anymore. My bf/husband always avoided the conflict... he would leave the room or beg me to just "put up with it" to avoid any strife. At our stag and doe before we got married- his brother and his friends got my husband so drunk that he went into the bathroom and barfed. His mother started screaming and crying and calling him an alcoholic (he rarely drank)... then she turned her insults to me and blamed me for turning him into an alcoholic. She was nuts.... and he was terrified of her. She used to set a place at the table for him every night- even though we were living together. And often- she would invite us for dinner, then we would go and there wouldn't be a place set for me!! She would then make a big deal out of "oh, I forgot!". It was crazy. Anyway- we fought about his mom constantly- and it led to the demise of our marriage as the one and only issue we truly had. Sorry- I just high-jacked your post. Mom's can be crazy. It truly is up to your bf to help smooth things over. In the meantime I would just work at getting to know her slowly. She is probably just a little over protective and wants to make sure you aren't going to hurt him. Good luck!
birdmadgirl Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Ugh. I was married to a man whose mother was the defining issue in ending our marriage. She simply could never let her son go. She phoned our house 17 times a day, made up stories to trick him into coming to the house...she was really passive-aggressive... and she insulted me with a smile on her face everytime she saw me. It got to the point where I couldn't even go to their house anymore. My bf/husband always avoided the conflict... he would leave the room or beg me to just "put up with it" to avoid any strife. At our stag and doe before we got married- his brother and his friends got my husband so drunk that he went into the bathroom and barfed. His mother started screaming and crying and calling him an alcoholic (he rarely drank)... then she turned her insults to me and blamed me for turning him into an alcoholic. She was nuts.... and he was terrified of her. She used to set a place at the table for him every night- even though we were living together. And often- she would invite us for dinner, then we would go and there wouldn't be a place set for me!! She would then make a big deal out of "oh, I forgot!". It was crazy. Anyway- we fought about his mom constantly- and it led to the demise of our marriage as the one and only issue we truly had. Sorry- I just high-jacked your post. Mom's can be crazy. It truly is up to your bf to help smooth things over. In the meantime I would just work at getting to know her slowly. She is probably just a little over protective and wants to make sure you aren't going to hurt him. Good luck! D-Lish, you just described my former relationship. His mother was the only reason we ever fought, and she's why we're no longer together. After one passive-aggressive remark too many, I ended up completely losing my sh*t with her. She told him he had to choose (yes, I'm serious). I decided I didn't want that kind of crazy in my life, so I hit the road. I've had therapy over this situation. I wish I were only kidding.
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 D-Lish, you just described my former relationship. His mother was the only reason we ever fought, and she's why we're no longer together. After one passive-aggressive remark too many, I ended up completely losing my sh*t with her. She told him he had to choose (yes, I'm serious). I decided I didn't want that kind of crazy in my life, so I hit the road. I've had therapy over this situation. I wish I were only kidding. I completely understand what you went through. I too went through therapy after... she used to tell me I was overweight, and it got under my skin so badly that I ended up losing 50 pounds over the course of our break up... she gave me such a body image complex on top of everything else! I still struggle with it to this day. Now when my ex sees me he can't get over how skinny I have become- and believe me, he knows it was his mother that gave me the complex. I have always vowed that if I have a boy, that I will NEVER be that mother! I totally understand what you went through. It's the passive aggressive stuff that was so frustrating. I'll never date a mamma's boy ever again!
Citizen Erased Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 This is what I can see happening with my boyfriends mother. We live with them, but are moving by the latest in March. She and I get along fairly well, but I just know that once we move out, she will see it as me taking her son away from her. She still tries to control his finances, and is just completely uncooperative when it comes to when he needs her to do something which will equal her giving up any power over him. Every since I have salary packaged his car, which means our finances are well and truly tied now, she hasn't been very nice at all. And she is going to have a fit when she finds out we are moving roughly 40 minutes away from their house. We have already decided to not get a house phone. The amount of times she calls her daughters is insane, and I know it will be even worse with the bf, he is the youngest We have had one holiday the entire time that we have been together, and she called him constantly. He ended up turning his phone off after the first day because she kept interrupting our "special time" Hopefully I am just being paranoid, and when we have some space from each other, we will all get along a bit more. But his family thrives on drama, and I have had enough to last me a lifetime already
birdmadgirl Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 My ex-boyfriend's mother was the very dynamic type... you know, the sort of people who walk into a room and all eyes are on them. She could hijack a conversation like nobody else I've ever known. The very first time I met her, I was at his apartment helping him set up for a photo shoot he was doing. She had a key to his apartment (red flag #1), so she let herself in, plunked herself down on the sofa, and IMMEDIATELY began gossipping about people. She didn't even acknowledge me until about halfway through her story, at which point she turned to Ex and said, "So who is this, son?" He introduced me as his girlfriend and she said, "Ah, I see," and then returned to her conversation, not missing a beat. Before she left, she gave him a peck on the cheek and then turned to me and said - to him! - "Well, she's certainly decorative." I don't think I've ever felt so inconsequential in all my life. Also, we had been dating for nearly a year before I could even meet this woman. I found out later that she had been meddlesome in all his relationships, so he stopped letting his girlfriends meet his mother. He's still single. Mostly a hermit these days, from what I hear. And she's still paying his bills.
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 My ex-boyfriend's mother was the very dynamic type... you know, the sort of people who walk into a room and all eyes are on them. She could hijack a conversation like nobody else I've ever known. The very first time I met her, I was at his apartment helping him set up for a photo shoot he was doing. She had a key to his apartment (red flag #1), so she let herself in, plunked herself down on the sofa, and IMMEDIATELY began gossipping about people. She didn't even acknowledge me until about halfway through her story, at which point she turned to Ex and said, "So who is this, son?" He introduced me as his girlfriend and she said, "Ah, I see," and then returned to her conversation, not missing a beat. Before she left, she gave him a peck on the cheek and then turned to me and said - to him! - "Well, she's certainly decorative." I don't think I've ever felt so inconsequential in all my life. Also, we had been dating for nearly a year before I could even meet this woman. I found out later that she had been meddlesome in all his relationships, so he stopped letting his girlfriends meet his mother. He's still single. Mostly a hermit these days, from what I hear. And she's still paying his bills. Geez. What is it about Mother's that can beat a guy down like that? My ex moved 4 hours away to get away from her.... My mother-in-law was like a butterfly with teeth- sweet and innocent looking but her bite was so painful. She also used to cry and throw tantrums when he didn't visit when she wanted. My ex worked on contract and was often away for 3 weeks at a time- when he was home for a weekend... she would expect him to spend all his time with her... and she saw me as taking away time from her son (we were married and apart for three weeks at a time for crying out loud)... It's such a shame. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what we are talking about here. I have so many crazy stories....lol
birdmadgirl Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I wouldn't want them going through it, either, which is why my advice to the OP was just to be herself. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't gone to any lengths whatsoever to please this guy's mom. I tried to express interest in things she enjoyed doing, but she always found a way to make me feel like a total idiot. According to this woman, my degree in Linguistics was "fluff" and only for people who liked to engage in "intellectual masturbation," I couldn't prepare a decent meal if my life depended on it, and I had the fashion sense of someone without the benefit of sight. Near the end of our relationship, she asked me to help update her resume. She said, "You're supposedly good with words, dear... how would you describe me?" It took every last bit of restraint I could muster not to answer her honestly. Instead, I feigned illness and handed the phone to her son. This is so crazy... I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about all that. Ha!
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 This is so crazy... I'm sitting here shaking just thinking about all that. Ha! I hear ya.... when I read the original post it got me all stirred up too! Here's one for you: One thanksgiving my husband and I were away together playing in a baseball tournament for the entire weekend. She called during the week to ask HIM to dinner and he told her we would be away and wouldn't be at their place for thanksgiving dinner. SO- she set a place for him at the huge family gathering (aunts,uncles,cousins, etc)...and told everyone he had said he WAS coming but just didn't show up. In the middle of dinner she burst into tears and ran to her bedroom to lament about how her son had abandoned her!!! So- when we got back from our trip- we got all these nasty messages from his siblings, aunts, cousins for hurting her by not showing up. That is the nature of how she manipulated everyone- through guilt. That story still makes my blood boil.... haha. Your ex's mom sounds like a real piece of work herself. I don't know which is worse- an outright b*tch...or a closet b*tch. ;-)
Jordane Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I hear ya.... when I read the original post it got me all stirred up too! Here's one for you: One thanksgiving my husband and I were away together playing in a baseball tournament for the entire weekend. She called during the week to ask HIM to dinner and he told her we would be away and wouldn't be at their place for thanksgiving dinner. SO- she set a place for him at the huge family gathering (aunts,uncles,cousins, etc)...and told everyone he had said he WAS coming but just didn't show up. In the middle of dinner she burst into tears and ran to her bedroom to lament about how her son had abandoned her!!! So- when we got back from our trip- we got all these nasty messages from his siblings, aunts, cousins for hurting her by not showing up. That is the nature of how she manipulated everyone- through guilt. That story still makes my blood boil.... haha. Your ex's mom sounds like a real piece of work herself. I don't know which is worse- an outright b*tch...or a closet b*tch. ;-) :eek::eek:
Recommended Posts