wookieone Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Sounds bizarre but i miss my ex - but dont if that makes sense? I have slept with 2 other women this last year but neither have even remotely turned me on like she did. I loved her too much, smothered her through out our one and a half years together despite serious mental crap she used to put me through. We broke up as she said she couldnt get over her ex (bloke she practicaly spent last 20 years with) and needed space alone. I gave her that and she never came back nor too be honest did i try and win her back. I had hoped we'd get back together after she had time to breathe alone. Well turns out shes been seeing blokes left, right and centre so, so much for space out of a relationship! I dont miss her - i miss the feeling she gave me, i can't describe it but the first year she showed me a new way of life and we did some great things like weekends away and just plain crazy things no one has ever made me feel so alive before doing. I have become a hermit and dont see anyone, do nothing after work just spend all my time alone - too afraid to get hurt again. I feel like im dying inside and each day im leaving the social world of integration. This isnt something i want to do, but feel ill be on my own now as im mid 30's with a son - and not the best looking bloke in the world by any stretch of the imagination! Well i just had to get this off my chest as i cant speak out loud in the real world on my feelings for fear of being laughed at over a girl 10 months ago i used to date.
Jordane Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 GO OUT NOW! Turn off the computer and DO SOMETHING!!!!
s_n_d Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I know how you feel. Noone will ever make me even remotely happy, the way my ex did. Hang in there and Please go out and do something..Gym..Out with friends..Anything at all.
Author wookieone Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I guess what hurts the most is that all she wanted to do was clean, wash and stay at home. We argued a lot towards the end about it as i wanted us to get out and about but she was always "too busy have to do things at home" Since we broke up her car is never at home and i always see her out and about. Why couldnt we have done that? I'm guessing although it was me that broke it off i was hoping it would kick start her into changing back to the girl i loved. That didnt happen, i kicked started her life to be apart from me. Her ex started the rot by being around the house all the time and although she is adamant she didnt still love him - i could see it in her eyes when he used to come up with pathetic excuses to see the kids at her house. Funny thing is he has had a number of girlfriends since they split up and my ex's moods used to change now i realise on when he had a relationship and when he was single. I got emotionally involved with a whacko that some how hoped could love me and put the past with him behind - big mistake.
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Since we broke up her car is never at home and i always see her out and about. This is what you need to be doing. You will not find what you had with her sitting at home thinking about her. You said in that you did amazing things with her in the beginning and had great weekends away, what changed? what happened between then and the end of the relationship when she did not want to do that anymore? Why couldn't we have done that? I'm guessing although it was me that broke it off i was hoping it would kick start her into changing back to the girl i loved. Big backfire right there. You broke up with her and with that one of my favorite motto's comes in "good living is the best revenge". You cant break up with someone and then just expect them to say "I am so sorry - i will change to suit you". What i am saying sounds harsh here i know, i am sorry for that, but breaking up her with the intent of trying to change her is very harsh in itself. That didn't happen, i kicked started her life to be apart from me. Should she have continued to sit at home and pine for you? I might be miss-reading here but some of the statements you are making sound a little selfish. i could see it in her eyes when he used to come up with pathetic excuses to see the kids at her house. Pathetic excuses to see her kids? Don't most parents want to spend as much time as possible with their kids? (i am assuming here that these are HER kids, not say the kids of her EX from previous relationship) Funny thing is he has had a number of girlfriends since they split up and my ex's moods used to change now i realise on when he had a relationship and when he was single. Do you believe that she was still seeing him and that her behavior toward you was dictated by her current relationship with him? EG: when he was treating her badly she was nice to you, when he was nice to her she was treating you badly? I got emotionally involved with a whacko that some how hoped could love me and put the past with him behind - big mistake But by the same token you split up with her with the intent of trying to change the person she was (by your own admission). Everyone going into a new relationship has to put their past ones behind them, some do it well, some not so well, this does not make them necessarily "Whacko".
Author wookieone Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) No i didnt finish with her to "make" her change. I finished with her as had given up telling her i couldn't cope with her ex having so much say in what we could or couldnt do. If we wanted to go out for the day - she'd ring him to see if it was ok. If she stayed at mine over night - he'd sleep at her house. Weekends away where mostly a disaster as she'd be in trouble with the ex and hed take it out on her by not seeing the kids for a week in revenge. Bearing in mind we are talking about an ex of 2 years previous that had a key to her house and wasn't bothered about letting himself in after getting drunk after the pub and just sit down, watch T.V or even just sleep over night. Am i really selfish to say it's not normal behaviour for a couple that have meant to have split up to act like this? All i ever got was - "yeah but i'm scared the kids will get upset if i don't let him", or "Well you know what hes like". When i say pathetic excuses to see the kids i'll give you one. He came round about dinnertime saying that he wanted to ask one of them if they wanted to go to a party the following week. He eventually left the next day! To cap it all there was NO party cause my ex got the kids ready to go, for him to say he'd made it up as was bored that day and thought he'd pop in for something to do to fill time. I wanted to get out of the house and do things to get away from HIM around her place so we could do things together. The point about her car never been there i forgot to say is that whilst hers isnt, his car is! No i don't believe they slept together or loved each other. After spending nearly all their adult life together they couldnt do without each other though. My ex never actually admitted this but had said things like "he did everything for me, i cant even change a light bulb" When i said i could do all those things and take care of her she admitted she had to move on from thinking he had to be asked or consulted on anything in her life - but it would take time. He was manipulating her - she knew it as well but he always played the kids as his leverage on getting what ever he wanted. Point of my thread was that as a person she is incredible, funny and great to be with. When it was just me, her and the kids everything was fine, when he came around plonked hes ass on the chair expecting to fed and watered her attitude changed as she knew we didnt get on and there was an atmosphere in the house. I loved her but planning on doing anything was just too much hassle in the end as he'd just taunt me in the pub saying he could snap his fingers and shed run and i couldnt do anything about it as he had her wrapped around his little finger. I told her this several times but she said i was trying to cause trouble and he wasn't like that - well he was. Like i say i miss her but i dont. As a person shes incredible, in a situation i couldnt cope with. whacko may have been a harsh word maybe i should have said emotional victim of her ex? Why have i become a hermit? I'm not sure myself but what i do know is she drained me of my self-esteem and left me fighting in my head - do i want to risk another relationship like that again and of course things will be different next time and the next girl could be my soul mate. I'm not good at explaining myself tbh. Edited January 11, 2008 by wookieone
Jordane Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Are you happy being alone? If you're not, then your only real explanation to your situation is to get out there and start dating.
Author wookieone Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I'd love to get out and date again - just have very low esteem right now. I would admit i'm being lazy and hoping someone would find me through work or the few places i do go to, rather than me getting out and finding them these last few months. What i need is a kick up the back side to motivate myself again or a genuine hug.
sedgwick Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I'm a writer and work from home, which is both a good and bad thing. It's good because I can sleep late and do my job in my pajamas if I want, but it's bad because after breakups (like now) I have a lot of time to sit around and ruminate. So I definitely know what you're going through. My last ex (the one before the one I'm trying to get over now) left me with very low self-esteem because he was an abusive d**khead who was still hung up on his ex. When he left I sat in my house for weeks, feeling too ugly and fat and stupid to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Finally I decided to go and do something I'd always wanted to do, and I thought of the most far-out thing I could: bellydance. I went and took a class, and I sat and cried in the locker room afterwards because it took so much courage and I felt as though I'd looked so clumsy and stupid. But I went back, and I kept going back, and now I've been dancing for four years and it's probably the most fun thing I've ever done. It really has changed my life. The best part was that I did it totally for me. I don't know what I'd have done throughout this breakup if I didn't have dance! I can't imagine. Do you have anything like that that you've always wanted to learn to do but thought you couldn't? I highly encourage you to try it.
Lee725 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 No i didnt finish with her to "make" her change. Am i really selfish to say it's not normal behaviour for a couple that have meant to have split up to act like this? No you are not selfish. You painted a different picture in your opening post. You made it seem like you had done it to make her change. Sorry. The excuses with the kids are pathetic, sorry, had no idea there either. He was manipulating her Can understand there, my EX was and is still being played by his. It appears that i have said some things which were wrong. Again i am sorry. The lack of information in regards to these issues again painted a completely different picture. i Apologize for jumping without asking for further info. I feel a little ashamed of myself right now. whacko may have been a harsh word maybe i should have said emotional victim of her ex? There are a few things that have rung true for me also in your post and i can assure you that i have called my ex's worse. A victim of her EX, yes and there are a lot of them out there. They can never completely let go. Why have i become a hermit? I'm not sure myself but what i do know is she drained me of my self-esteem and left me fighting in my head - do i want to risk another relationship like that again and of course things will be different next time and the next girl could be my soul mate. I'm not good at explaining myself You have to be willing to take a chance again, someone will come along who will boost your self esteem and make you feel loved, but i can assure you that you will not find her sitting at home, much in the same i will not find mine sitting here either. I am lonely and so very scared of getting hurt again, but i have to and will try again. Good luck with your healing and again i am sorry for jumping without sufficient information.
Author wookieone Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 Thanks for reply Lee. I certainly didin't take offence and there's no need to apologise. Like i said i don't explain myself well as i tend to hide behind a mask so others in R.L don't see me as possibly "damaged goods"? Just had to vent some frustration and a place like this has no face - and that has lifted some weight off my mind to just tell someone what it was like and how i feel about it all. I wish her the best in life, no point hating after i loved her so much. I'm trying to think in my head maybe it was for the best we parted due to circumstances beyond my control. Although i can't paint a rosey picture of myself as the longer the relationship went on the more i got frustrated and drank more etc. What i need to do is hang on to the good times we had and stop thinking of all the negative moments as they are positive thoughts and ones i can't beat myself up about. After re-reading your post it may have kicked me up the back side as seeing what i wrote and replies suddenly hit me what a fool i am and that things could never be better sat at home, even if i just went out and made a new friend - not 24/7 mind set thinking to go out has to be find a potential partner. Thanks, i think seeing my frustration in words has sunk in that i want to change and it's time to do so.
shockandawed Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Hey Wookie, While your ex may have given you some great moments together, she is completely whacked! There is no way you had a chance under these circumstances, no way at all. That is obvious enough, what I am curious about is your background. What has your life been prior to meeting the ex? You mention she was with her ex for 20 years so I am guessing you are around 40. Knowing what your experiences are might help us point you in the right direction to get past this.
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