Kamille Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Has anyone ever learned to adopt second hand smoke? First off, let me say that things have greatly improved between bf and I since our holiday crisis (I was in a really bad mood). I am learning to take the space that I need and he is very understanding in granting it to me. It's spiced up our sex life and I feel very much in love with him. But we have a recurrent problem, which has been a problem since the beginning of our relationship. He smokes in his appartment, where we spend most of our time together. (His appartment being much much nicer then mine and better located). As a compromise, he only smokes in his office when I'm there but it doesn't stop the fact that the cigarette smoke sometimes bothers me so much that I get completely grumpy. Like this morning, all I could think about was getting out of there. We talked about it and I understand that he doesn't want to smoke outside. He lives in a building and the closest exit is somewhat far. Plus, for him, he kind of holds smoking inside his appartment as a priviledge. At the same time, it drives me completely nuts. I am a bit of a health freak and I sometimes feel, walking out of there, like I am walking out of a nightmare. I don't know what to do anymore. When the smokes bothers me too much I go home, but it's starting to bother me more and more. What would you guys do in this situation?
Star Gazer Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I was once (kinda) in your shoes, and I broke up with the guy because of it (although he didn't smoke inside - the smoking itself was an issue). For him, it was a lifestyle choice he had no intention of ever changing. Although I'm not a health freak, it just bothered me too much. I figured that if/when when moved in together, I wouldn't be able to just "go home" to avoid the smoke, and he wasn't ever going to quit, so it had to end. But I don't think that's even an option for you, so I'm not sure what you should do.
blind_otter Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 This is just a bandaid, but you could buy a hepa filter and carry it around putting it in whatever room you are hanging out in. Also, he could stuff a towel or blanket under the door of the room where he is smoking so it doesn't leak into the other rooms as easily. I used to do that when I smoked weed But hell, he needs to shut up and buy some chantix and quit already. I'm just saying.
fireinthearcade Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 burning incense sticks around the apartment would do the trick, they smell great and completely disguise the smell of smoke
Author Kamille Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I was once (kinda) in your shoes, and I broke up with the guy because of it (although he didn't smoke inside - the smoking itself was an issue). For him, it was a lifestyle choice he had no intention of ever changing. Although I'm not a health freak, it just bothered me too much. I figured that if/when when moved in together, I wouldn't be able to just "go home" to avoid the smoke, and he wasn't ever going to quit, so it had to end. But I don't think that's even an option for you, so I'm not sure what you should do. Yeah breaking up isn't an option yet, but I feel like it is starting to be a strain on our relationship. See, the thing is I think the smoke puts me in a bad mood. Like this morning I woke up feeling loving and connected, but by the second smoke I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I don't really understand why it has such an impact on my mood. Anyone have a clue? And ideas on how I can handle the mood swing the smoke incurs gracefully? We have tried incense and it is true that it helps me handle it better, yet in my mind it's only adding more pollutants to an already polluted environment. I'll look into hepa filters.
Nemo Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I wish I could get a regular supply of second-hand smoke. For free, I mean.
Author Kamille Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I wish I could get a regular supply of second-hand smoke. For free, I mean. Doesn't everybody? Proof again that I am nothing but a spoiled princess. (I can't help but feel that he might think I am capricious for making such a big deal out of cigarette smoke).
MystifiedByMen Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Ugh, People like you bother the hell out of me. This guy has limited places to smoke so if he wants to smoke in the privacy of his own home, leave him be in peace. I only smoke in one room in my house to limit the smoke to be considerate of my friends so they don’t smell smoke badly when they come visit. I’m being overly gracious here when I do this and I think so because I pay all the bills here. This is MY space. So when my ex would come over and stay the night, he’d bitch about the smoke. I would always tell him to leave if he had a problem with it. I looked at it as he was trying to control me in my own environment so I’d smoke more to piss him off. If you don’t like it, leave! Simple as that. I assume your guy is a hard working tax payer. If he wants a cig in the apartment he pays all the bills in, shut up about it!!
82knightrider Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I like the album second hand smoke from Sublime:D
Lizzie60 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 The only option, for me, would be to spend our time together in MY apartment, where there is no stinking smoke on the walls and furniture, well everywhere.. and he would have to smoke outside or in the garage.. NO ONE smokes in MY house. I had a party last Saturday and the smokers had to smoke in the garage... out of respect for non smokers and children(babies) around they have to smoke outside. I can't stand the smell... so for me it would be a deal breaker... I would never tolerate what you are going through..
MystifiedByMen Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I do agree with lizzie. In the case of him being at your place, he must respect you and your wishes on the subject. But, to be fair, you must do the same for him. I'm not a heavy smoker, but when I have a glass of wine now and then, I like to enjoy a cig or two in the privacy of my own home. I can't stand when people come over knowing I do this and complain. Its not like your bf is blowing smoke in your face. He even went as far as limiting the space he does it in. Thats totally fair.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I have definately learned to adapt to second hand smoke. It gets so bad that when my kitty walks in the room he smells like a chimney.
bluepoppy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I think you have the right to a smoke free environment - I sympathise - second hand smoke bothers you, because nicotine is getting into your system and the sensation of nicotine leaving your body is unpleasant (a sensation smokers make go away by having another cigerette). I'm an ex smoker (of about 7 years) dating a smoker - initally when we first when out, he made noises about giving up. He's a deterimed high achiever in other areas of his life so I didn't doubt him. We have had some big rows about it. It's never going to happen, he doesn't really want to. However, neighter him or his flat-mate smoke inside their apartment. But that was a result of me washing the curtains, and them finding out what colour they really are (no not grey, they were gold). I never asked them not to smoke in there. There are some solutions - an air purifier run in the house can really help, (you could spilt to cost as a anti-arguement investment) him opening the window to his office, keeping the door closed, draft excluders, or spending more time at your place. I'd go for the air-purifier to start with. Ask
Nemo Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 - second hand smoke bothers you, because nicotine is getting into your system and Hahahahaha. I don't think so.
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Maybe when he is in his office he could stand at the window and smoke? blow it out the window? I am with MystifiedByMen tho, it is his space so it is his choice.
MystifiedByMen Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Ok, I’m not directing this to Kamille to be disrespectful because I know Kamille has a just as much right to feel this way as her boyfriend does to smoke. But here is where I’m very confused…. Why do non-smokers get involved with smokers fully knowing that they smoke? If you as a non-smoker think they will quite for you, you are completely wrong. They have to do it on their own for their own reasons. Why do you get involved with smokers? Also, when you become comfortable with them down the road, why do you complain about it, judge them, and act bitchy, rude, etc. because they have this same fault they had when you first met them? Why is it ok in the beginning then suddenly one day it’s “all the sudden a problem”? I feel it’s just unreasonable to get involved with a smoker thinking you’re special enough to change them, then make them feel like crap for what they do down the road when things start to get serious. I’ve seen this so many times.
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I feel it’s just unreasonable to get involved with a smoker thinking you’re special enough to change them, then make them feel like crap for what they do down the road when things start to get serious. I’ve seen this so many times. totally agree with you there. The same goes with pot smokers/non pot smokers or other drugs, alcohol, etc. Girls/guys hook up, one does it, one doesn't, then months later it is big issue because as you say a person thinks that they are so special that they are going to be able to change the other's habits. in most cases People make educated choices about the people they date/have a relationship with, therefore i do wonder why at some point some of them say "I am just not special enough for him/her to change" "They don't love me enough"... anyways, better leave it at that before i go off on a tangent.
MystifiedByMen Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Lee I totally agree with you. For example, my boyfriend is an occasional pot smoker, I'm not. I don't like it, told him I don't and left it be. I told him he's a grown man and can do what he pleases. He now does not do it around me or come around me on the influence. Not because I asked him to do so but because I had respect for him enough to tell him how I felt, yet didn't try and control him. If he suddenly had this problem where it started controlling his life in some why, of course I’d intervene, but until I see problems with his occasional “alone time” there is no need to bring it up and I would never judge him due to this fault I think he has. I’m not perfect. Nobody is.
bluepoppy Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 . Why do non-smokers get involved with smokers fully knowing that they smoke? . My experience of smokers is that they lie about this. Say that they are in the process of giving up, etc etc, because they are attracted to you. If the attraction is mutual you choose to believe them - and of course - they've lied, and so the resentment and judgement comes in. In fact, most smokers I know lie about this all the time and claim they are giving up or about to give up or want to give up. I think the reality is most smokers would like to give up, for health, financial or social reasons - but don't want to go through the effort it takes.
Citizen Erased Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 burning incense sticks around the apartment would do the trick, they smell great and completely disguise the smell of smoke What if the smell isn't the issue? What if it is that those of us who don't smoke are also suffering because of the damge which second hand smoke causes. Why should everyone else have to put up with it just because they can't walk a few steps away or blow the damn stuff in another direction I would never date a smoker. The cost of their life, and those around them is too great.
Author Kamille Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Thanks Mystified for the perspective. It helps to get his side of things in a way. And yes, again, I admit that he has been unbearably understanding through my issues with smoke. But I don't control how intolerable smoke is to me. It makes my eyes and throat itch and gives me a headache -especially in the morning. (There's a history of smoke allergies in my family). You're right, maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with a smoker, but I didn't know I had allergies when I started seeing him. In fact, I had no idea what it would be like living in a smoke-filled environment. Now I know and if ever I am single again, I garantee that smoking inside will be on my list of non-negotiables. I once suggested we spent more time at my appartment, but he kind of resisted the idea because it is a bit dingy (it is a basement appartment a friend of mine rents to me for a great price). I will mention it again and see what he says.
e.clipse Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Why do non-smokers get involved with smokers fully knowing that they smoke? If you as a non-smoker think they will quite for you, you are completely wrong. They have to do it on their own for their own reasons. Why do you get involved with smokers? Also, when you become comfortable with them down the road, why do you complain about it, judge them, and act bitchy, rude, etc. because they have this same fault they had when you first met them? Why is it ok in the beginning then suddenly one day it’s “all the sudden a problem”? exactly. if X person reveals that they are a smoker from the onset of the relationship, then Y person, as a non-smoker, has to decide whether of not they want to continue to pursue that relationship or not. at that point. not later on. complaining and getting grouchy down the line because of something they knew at the beginning is utterly ridiculous. What if the smell isn't the issue? What if it is that those of us who don't smoke are also suffering because of the damge which second hand smoke causes. Why should everyone else have to put up with it just because they can't walk a few steps away or blow the damn stuff in another direction I would never date a smoker. The cost of their life, and those around them is too great. you said it: don't date them. simple as that. Doesn't everybody? Proof again that I am nothing but a spoiled princess. (I can't help but feel that he might think I am capricious for making such a big deal out of cigarette smoke). if i were him, i would think you are a spoiled and capricious little princess. especially as of late. no offense, kamille. really.
bluepoppy Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I don't think you're being spoilled about this at all - if you're allergic to smoke, and required the experience of being exposed to it to discover this. It's not your fault After all if you were allergic to shell fish or peanuts he wouldn't force you to eat it or leave it lieing around to come into contact with. I see that as being no different to a boyfriend I had who was dreadfully allergic to my cat. He didnt' know it at first. He'd never really been exposed to cat. In the end I invested in a neally good vacum cleaner that sucked/washed everything out of everything, washed the little bugger every week and kept one room (bedroom) completely cat free. We still spent more time at his. I think cat ownership is now on that guys list of non-negotables. But I did what I could to limit his expsore whilst at mine. What's the difference between that and being allergic to the smoke ? I'd look at air-purifiers for his place - and ways to make your space more comfortable for him (including an outside space for him to smoke in)
Racquel Colette Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I know you like the guy or love or whatever, but smoking is a dealbreaker for me. You have stated that you are a healthfreak and he doesn't fit into that. Plus he seems to care about his smoking more than you. You deserve better, set your standards higher. If he really loves you, he'll quit to have you in his life.
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