Flyboy15601 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Long time reader here, finally thought i would post since i am very confused. Wife and I married 24 years ago, and seperated 6 months ago. She asked me to move out, which i did, without fighting. We have a 9 year old daughter, and a special needs son who is 7. Older than most couples with kids, both almost 50. Se works part time, and have a a very good job. So money, houses, the usual stuff couples fight about are not relavent here. Problem is really two parts: First part is that we live very close to her family and twin sister. Her family always gets prioirity over me. We fight about this alot, and she even admitted once that if she had to choose, her family would come first. I understand that family is important, but wouldn't a marriage come first? When she is sround them she is happy go lucky, but when she comes home she becomes a different person. Secondly, she is a very unhappy person around me. I don't pick fights, do the shopping, keep the house clean, fix things, watch the kids, cook, whatever she asks me to do. Sex is a side thought for her, if we made love once a month that would be fine for her. She admitted that she has me on such a high perch, that i could never live up to her expectations. No matter what i do, its just never good enough to satify her. Granted she is a wonderful mother to our children, does spend money like crazy, hasn't had an affair (that i know of), and says she still loves me and wants me to come back. I have put an emotional block up to her, because of the hurt and pain she has caused me over the years, and still continues to do so. Seroiusly thinking of ending it, for my sake. I want to stay close and active in my kids lives, just not in hers. But i also don't want to hurt her in any way, and try and be civil. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
Author Flyboy15601 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 That's the 64 dollar question. Just don't know. Kids are fine and coping well with seperation. Honestly just don't know if i love my wife anymore, and she deserves to know eaither way. I think that i am blinded by the pain of the last few years, and also I am enjoying having a life without her aggrevation and pain that she has inflicted.
Kasan Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) Resentment and anger will eat up any love that you feel for a partner....if you were able to get over the resentment and anger, the love could and would return. There isn't anyone else is there? What have you done during the separation to work on your problems? What was the purpose of separating? Edited January 10, 2008 by Kasan
Author Flyboy15601 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I have dated a couple of times, nothing serious, no sex, mostly just dinners and good conversations. I did not tell her for fear of her getting mad, and she would think i was trying to hurt her, which I am not. Wife and I have tried to sit and talk but never seem to get anything resolved. I am trying to be very civil and so is she, but then she gets mad at me over something silly, like buying the wrong wine ( which was present for her anyway, i thought a nice jesture, but I got lambasted for not knowing what kind of champaigne she drinks). How do you try and work things out and have civil converstaions when a person acts like this?
Kasan Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 How do you try and work things out and have civil converstaions when a person acts like this? Well sorry to be harsh here, but I wouldn't be dating other women if I thought there was a possibility of reconciling with my wife. In addition, I would be seriously considering marriage counseling as 24 years of a shared history is quite an investment in both of your lives. Before I walked away from this marriage, I would leave no stone unturned to work this out. Your councilor could supply you with the tools necessary to forge a better and stronger relationship. Have you checked the marriagebuilders site, and divorcebusting.com? Should you decide that you want to work on your marriage, I would start here. I know how hard marriage is as I have been married longer than you---so I understand how exhausting a marriage can be when both partners hang on to anger and resentments. It erodes away a loving marriage bit by bit. But the good news, is if you resolve this, the love can and does come back.
quankanne Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 seriously consider marriage counselling – she sounds pretty harsh in her treatment of you, but she honestly may not "see" her behavior, esp. if she's talking reconciliation. because frankly, it's gonna take a lot of effort by both parties to move past the negative behavior (dealing it and being on the receiving end) to help heal your marriage. I think you'll have a better idea of what direction to take after you've tried to heal the marriage, and whether if divorce is the kinder solution.
LakesideDream Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 This situation is unusual. In this situation the choice is yours. LS'ers don't see this very often. If you aren't in love with your estranged wife, and you are positive that the children are coping with the situation the choice is yours. Please remember that the health and well being of your children will remain your responsibility. You cannot walk away from that responsibility either. I also understand your dismay at your estranged wife's preference for her family over you. It's not unusual. A large percentage of marriages have this component. It's not something you can change. It's the 21st Century. Wives are walking away every minute of every day. You also have that right.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 24+ years of marriage and kids, you two owe it to eachother, as well as those kids, to get to marriage counselling and try your best to make the marriage better.
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I see this quit often in marriages and other men? I call it the "Meal-Ticket" syndrone. Man meets woman, in the beginning? She's very affectionate, loving, caring, dolting almost? The sex is well,...............great. They get married? The first couple of years are above, but less and less with time? The man assumes it because they're becoming complacent as a couple, settling down into married life. The come the bills? The furniture payments, the credit cards, the mortgage, the car payments. About the same time ~ here come the babies. Its about this time that there's less and less sex, and what there is? Is few and far between. She's got time to cart the kids all over time, sit endlessly for hours and hours and chating with other soccer moms, but no time for the DH? The husband attempts to lessen her load? He starts cooking and cleaning, helping around the house? No affection ~ and I'm not talking about just sex either. She talks endlessly on the phone with her mother, her sister, her best friends, the next door neighbor. He slowly begins to realize that he's second fidfle to her in her life to everyone and everything else. Her job, "her children", her family, her parents', her friends, her ________________ (fill in the blank). By this time he's trapped. The only way out? Leave and end up on the backside of thirty or forty, broke living in a one bedroom apartment? Going to ChinaMart buying all that crap all over again. Broke from paying child support and sometimes alimony. She eating steak, he's eating bologna. If he stays? He's just the guy that goes to work, pays the bills, fixes things around the house, and squashs bugs? Everything that he says and does is wrong, everything that he doesn't say and do is wrong. There's no pleasing her, and so then he falls into the "Mama Happy? Husband Happy! ~ Mama Not Happy? Noone's Happy!" trap. And so he busts his back trying to please, satisfy, pacify her ~ trouble is? There is no pleasing, satisfying nor pacifying her? Its never enough. If he somehow lucked and managed to please, satisfy, pacify her? He doesn't know how he did it and he doesn't know how to repeat the same deed twice? If they stay together to celebrate their __ anniversary, he goes to work, comes home, gives the wife the paycheck to paybills, and so she can pursue "her" hobbies and interests, ~ her money is "her" money and his money is hers too! He ends up in one room ~ she ends up in another. She's constantly going to ChinaMart to buy even more useless, worthless junk, what-nots, and nick-nats that she has laying around the house, until she tires of them, at which time she sells them for a 1/10th of what she paid for them at a yard sell. He ends up driving the 10-12 year old single cab Toyota pickup, while she ends up with a new car every three or four years? Sex is slim to none, and Slim? He just left town. Given enough begging? She will relent, even though she just gave him some last year? And, this is on the 31st of December? I see these guys all the time. At the mall, at traffic lights with their wives wagging their fingers at them just giving them Hell. Usually? They have this "look" on their face ~ that says ~ "PLEASE! JUST KILL ME AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!!!!!" He's the guy I work with that got the one kid grown, gone, and on his own. House bought and paid for ~ mortgage retired, and now he's working two jobs ~ one delivering papers at "o-dark-thirty" because the wife wanted to build a newer and bigger house ~ even though its just the two of them now? And, now he's another $50,000 in debt. And once he relented? Built the new house, went $50,000 more in debt with a new mortgage? The wife told him? "Oh! I just can't bare to move out of the old house! Too many memories! We're going to have to sell the new house!" Another guy I work with is working two jobs, and just took out a second mortgage to please his little "princess" I'm not saying all women are like this. I know a lot of women here at Love Shack that would say ~ "That's just insane!" But there are plenty of them around. But then again? Its takes all kinds to make the world go round. Me? I know this type of person (and yes there are men like this too) and I know to screen them out. I question if your wife is wanting you and her to reconcile because she "loves you" or if she afraid of facing the big bad old world alone without her "meal-ticket" to pay the bills, fix things around the house, and squash any necessary insects that need killing? If you're doing the bulk of the cleaning, cooking, shopping, fetching and gettin'? What do you need a woman/wife for? Sex/compaionship! Guess what? You can get that without being married. Aprroaching 50, you're a very desirable and sought after commodity! At fifty ~ the tables have flipped! Its not like it was 24 years ago. When it comes to dating and mating? Your biggest worry is which one of the "Casserole Brigade" are you going to take out? Your wife is still thinking like she did in HS or college. Things have changed ~ and she'd best be waking up! Its no longer "What have you got to offer me? What can you do for me? And, what have you done for me lately? Its "Ask not what you DH can do for you? But what you can do for your DH?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Hmmmm, I understand resentment. But at least tell your estranged wife you want a seperation agreement. Then fill it out and sign it, get it legally done and then date! Dont be so tacky with yours man!!! There's a right way of doing things, and a wrong way of doing things.
Gunny376 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) Hmmmm, I understand resentment. But at least tell your estranged wife you want a seperation agreement. Then fill it out and sign it, get it legally done and then date! Dont be so tacky with yours man!!! There's a right way of doing things, and a wrong way of doing things. Don't be me eighteen years ago~! "Dold't!" (Hitting myself upside the head ~ Homer Simpson style ~) "I could have had a V-8!" Edited January 11, 2008 by Gunny376
Author Flyboy15601 Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Thanks for all the advice. I have to clear up something Gunny said, I do a lot of work around the house, but she also does her share too. And looking back she doen't spend the house money only the money she earns working part time for me. I still try and remain civil toward here, but today is a good example. She came to work, was very cold towards me,a dn left without saying goodbye or I'll see u when you pick up the kids tonight. She laughs with the secretary, and on the phone, but as soon as i am around she turns cold. I asked her to come in so we could talk a bit ( i was going to suggest we go to counseling) but she leaves without a word. How am i to deal with this type of behavoir towards me? She says she still loves me and wanst to work things out ( a few weeks ago) then she acts like this towards me? No wonder i am confused.
stbx2007 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I feel your pain. My stbx would also choose his family over me. Once I figured that out I decided I wanted to divorce him. He is always crabby and critical around me but they can do no wrong. It is disgusting to see the difference in his behavior. Why should I get the short end? His family gets the smiles and he will volunteer to take them places when they visit (not often thank God). Me he won't go on a walk with. His family owns him. The women are the culprits. He is the only educated and successful male. Though we have a disabled child he is planning to move miles away to live, guess where? He has conveniently gotten the opportunity to visit his family in conjunction with work for conferences, training, etc. The more he went the worse our marriage got. I'd bet a million that he moves into his sister's guest room when he leaves here. You shouldn't worry. Move on. I don't think people from controlling families should bother getting married. They have this clan type of control over them. They swallow them up and they can't separate into their own lives. We were okay until stbx started going to visit his folks a lot. I have a family too but I don't visit them nearly as often as he does his. They don't control my behavior and I see their faults. I'm honest with them. If your wife is letting her family control her you're never going to be happy with her. I hope you are open to going for counseling for yourself. It will help you to sort out your feelings and give you support. You need support so you don't blame yourself or go overboard trying to protect her feelings. Good luck.
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