skylla Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 3 and a half years after a 5 year hiatus from dating for 2 years when we were younger (late teens early 20's). I found out, about half a year ago, that he lied to me about dating one of his friends. Here's some background info: When my man and I first dated, lets call him "Matt," we were very close, I stayed with him all the time and hung out with his close group of friends. I met pretty much everyone he was friends with over the 2 years that we dated. I became very good friends with one of his friends girlfriends (let's call her "Jennie"). When we broke up it was civil, I broke up with him, and I transfered schools and didn't see him for 5 years. Jennie and I remained friends. A few months later, Jennie told me that Matt was dating someone new, and described her to me. I wasn't really interested, but it stuck in my head for years. After about 5 years, Matt and I started dating and got back together. After 6 months we moved in together and things have been pretty good ever since. Before we moved in together Matt threw a party at his place and invited all his friends, most of whom I knew from years ago. This girl (let's call her Megan) showed up with her boyfriend and Matt introduced me to them because I had never met them before. Megan matched the description that Jennie had given me about the girl he dated after me. At a later time I asked Matt if they had ever dated and he told me no. So party after party, hanging out, etc, this girl Megan is always around. She almost seems part of the close-knit group of friends. She's kinda a bitch too and it seems that some of the people in the group don't really like her. She's one of those girls that is proud of being a bitch, you know? Anyway, I asked Matt how she "got in" with his group of friends and he told me that no one really likes her but this one girl in the group, and she just tags along. This year, I decided to go back to school, and I was going to move into an apartment near campus. One day, my boyfriend, megan and me are in the car talking about our situation and how my boyfriend was going to need to find a place to live. Megan willingly offered to move in with him and he didn't say much. Later when we were alone, I told him that he should really consider moving in with her, it might be a good deal. He told me that it wasn't going to happen...but not why. Megan and Matt went out for about 9 months after Matt and I dated the first time. He blatantly, to my face, lied to me about it. I found out from one of his friends who blurted it out in a conversation we were having. I have hung out with this girl, talked about sex with him around this girl (something I would never do around an ex-girlfriend), and she knows things about me that make me very vulnerable and uncomfortable now when I see her. When I found out, I kicked Matt out for a few days. I needed space and I knew that he would have a place to stay with his family. I needed time to think about it. It's really weird that she is still in his life, but it's just because this one girl in the group adores her as a best friend. I had a major problem with the whole thing for the following reasons: -I trusted Matt, I had every confidence in him. When he told me that he didn't go out with Megan I believed him, and never brought it up again. -There were numerous times that he had the chance to tell me, especially when the suggestion was made that they should move in together and I encouraged it. -his friend told me -she's a major bitch -she's still in his life -she knows things about me that I wouldn't want to tell an ex. -i've talked about our sex life, which she probably doesn't wanna hear about, so that made me look like a bitch. -I am pressured to hang out with her all the time and I just don't want to. I forgave Matt. It was a long process. I know that Matt wouldn't be interested in her ever again. I just felt really bad that it took 2 and a half years for me to find this out. He told me that he thought that I knew. When he realized that I didn't, he got scared to tell me. I would have rather heard it from him. Even though I forgave him, I still have issues. I really don't want to see this girl again. I don't want to hang out with her. And I don't know what to do. I encourage Matt to go hang out with his friends without me and go to parties without me, but since we've been together so long, I am expected to go to these parties as well. Seeing her just reminds me of all this emotional strain. It wasn't her fault that he didn't tell me, that I didn't know about the pink elephant in the room, the thing that no one ever mentioned, so I shouldn't have a problem hanging out with her. But I can't. I know it's immature, but it just brings up all these feelings. I don't know what to do anymore, how to get over this, and how to move on.
Author skylla Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 pink elephant in the room as in it's something so big it would naturally be impossible to ignore in a small room, but no one acknowledges it.
Storyrider Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 i think the term, to be acurate, is the "white" Elephant. That is the term used to refer to a constant memory of something. I guess pink works just as well though A white elephant is something unwanted, which is why the term "white elephant gift" refers to a present consisting of an item someone doesn't want or need. Hemingway titled his story "Hills like White Elephants" because it was about an unwanted pregnancy. A pink elephant is just an alcoholic hallucination. An elephant in the room is an obvious problem being ignored. I don't think a color is specified.
melodymatters Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 A white elephant is something unwanted, which is why the term "white elephant gift" refers to a present consisting of an item someone doesn't want or need. Hemingway titled his story "Hills like White Elephants" because it was about an unwanted pregnancy. A pink elephant is just an alcoholic hallucination. An elephant in the room is an obvious problem being ignored. I don't think a color is specified. Thanks for clearing that up story ! never knew you were an expert on pachyderm analogies !
melodymatters Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 PS. I think the animal you were going for OP, is the 800 lb gorilla in the room !
Storyrider Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Thanks for clearing that up story ! never knew you were an expert on pachyderm analogies ! I have always liked elephants. Poor OP. Does someone want to take a crack at her question?
Nemo Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 -I trusted Matt, I had every confidence in him. When he told me that he didn't go out with Megan I believed him, and never brought it up again. This is the only thing which really matters. If you don't trust him around Megan, then how can you trust him to be alone with women? Megan is a non-issue, I think. Tackle the elephant, not the person.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I think if I were you I'd be way too uncomfortable with it. Not just me not being around her, but I wouldn't want my guy to either. TO be honest, you have every right to want her fully out of your relationship. Otherwise, she WILL always be the elephant in the room. Because you know he sees her, there for even if YOU don't see her she's still in your lives. It's not fair to you. You BOTH need to kick her to the curb for your peace of mind and peace in the relationship.
Storyrider Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 This is the only thing which really matters. If you don't trust him around Megan, then how can you trust him to be alone with women? Megan is a non-issue, I think. Tackle the elephant, not the person. From the expert. A reliable source. I'd take his advice (unless you've been drinking j/k).
Florida Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I am stumped, I have no easy answer to this, the thing that sticks out is Megan suggesting to your BF she could move in when you move out. I think on that alone, I would not like her, given that now you know the dating history. I assume they *did it*. That is not cool, that she would suggest that, with you as his GF. I, too, would feel like a fool having befriended her under false pretenses. I really don't know how it didn't come out sooner-was she told not to tell you either? How deep does this deception run? It also bothers me that the group values seem to be pretty low. Hey-let's not tell Matt's girl about that ex, and ofh yeah it is totally cool as status quo that an ex would suggest living with him when you move out. I would suggest he finds new friends. She already crossed the line, and he gave her the means to do it by not being honest. You haven't mentioned what he said, or how he justified not telling you. He should have because it changes the way you interact with her. If my BF was getting palsy with an ex, and he didn't know it was my ex, I would feel hella guilty, and shi*ty. So where is his conscience? Or is *the group* more important than your relationship? An aside: never never never encourage your Bf to either hang out or become roomies with another girl. I can expound on that, if you like, but it is an aside in this case. Edited January 10, 2008 by Florida
Author skylla Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I am also surprised that it did not come up earlier. I don't know how with the amount of times I have hung out with these people that it never came up. What did come up multiple times is me asking where the hell she came from. This came up because of some of the things she would say and how she would be mean to some of the friends. I mean, she's not the most pleasant person in the world and the people he hangs out with are generally really nice. She's gotten in a few serious fights with some of them too. And yes, he did sleep with her. They were together a while. This sorta grosses me out in the most immature way possible cause she kinda nasty. Haha...I've dated my own share of losers so I can't really talk...lol. But yeah, on a more serious note, he should have told me especially because they did sleep together. I asked Matt if he told his friends not to talk about the relationship around me. He said he didn't. I mean there is a possibility that the relationship ended badly and no one really brings it up. When I mentioned to one of his friends in the group why I had kicked him out for a few days, I told him "He lied to me about going out with Megan and I didn't know about it, 2 1/2 years later" and he looked surprised and said "That's messed up," so I have a feeling none of the friends had strict guidelines to what is mentioned around me. Why he didn't tell me--in the heat of the moment he told me he didn't tell me "because of the way I am and I need to look inside myself to figure out why I didn't tell you," which obviously really hurt, because he was blaming me for him not telling me (he apologized later). When we were calmer he told me that he didn't realize that I didn't know and when he figured out I didn't know he got scared to tell me. In the end, his friend ended up telling me. I have always had this feeling that his friends are more important to him than I am. Simple things like how he seems to be in a better mood when with his friends than with me. Things like enjoying going places and doing things seem more "fun" when his friends are around. This is a whole other story but sorta relates. He is not willing to kick her out of our lives. He has already told me this. Like I said before she is best friends with one of the girls in the "group". He does not want to stir up trouble and upset her because she's not completely emotionally stable and really needs this person in her life. This group is so important to him because he really values friendships. I respect that. I just always feel second best. No matter if he spends more time with me than them as he always argues. This has been going on for months. I have asked my friends with very little advice. No one really knows what I should do. I can't tell you how often I think of leaving him but then backing down from that because of all the good stuff that we have had together. I mean, I think he's the love of my life. I appreciate what you all have to say because I am getting an outside perspective...thanks p.s. i wiki'd the elephant thing and you're right that the "pink" part can relate to alcoholism, but i was using it in the way that it makes it more unbelievable that the elephant doesn't get noticed....cause it's pink!
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