Chris51 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I am hoping I can get advice from people to work out if I am an idiot for sticking with my guy or not! About a year ago I got involved with an older guy at work who told me he had a partner (not married) and teenage daughter. Like many it was just a fling, but then I fell in love with him. I stuck it out when he hinted after a few months that he wanted to leave his partner to be with me, but said his daugher is at a vulnerable age. Anway, eventually his partner asked him if he was having a relationship with someone else and he admitted to her that he was. After a couple of months he told the partner and daughter he was moving out and wanted to be with me, which he did. He lived with me for a few months (which worked well) and then because his daughter was rejecting him and his ex said she couldn't cope with bringing her up alone he went back to live in the house, but in a separate room to his ex. I then finished with him, but quickly started seeing him again, now a few months later he has told them again that he wants to move out and be with me and rent a flat (he hopes his daughter will come and stay with him if I aren't living there). Since he told them this last week, he hasn't looked for a flat with the excuse it will take a while to sort things out and that he is too busy. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He admits that he hasn't been totally honest with his ex and daughter thoughout our relationship, but has only avoided telling them the full truth about his relationship with me at times to prevent hurting them. He says he has never lied to me. My feeling is that he has told them about me and moved out once and wants to be with me again, but I am worried this could repeat itself. Any thoughts and advice from would be welcome! Thanks!
Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 He says he has never lied to me. Of course he hasn't. I mean, c'mon...why would he lie to someone he says he loves?!?! Oh, wait... He admits that he hasn't been totally honest with his ex and daughter thoughout our relationship... Here's the deal. He's not admitted to them the extent of your relationship...not to avoid hurting them (he should have avoided any relationship with you if that was his goal)...but to avoid conflict with them and to keep them both in his life. He knows that if he admits the truth, he's going to be forced to CHOOSE between you and 'her'. And...he knows that his teenage daughter will VERY likely continue to reject him...and will almost certainly reject you when she knows the truth...so he doesn't want to deal with that aspect of it either. This WILL continue to happen. I can't see any way that its likely to be avoidable. He's going to HAVE to choose between you, and them. Its harder since his daughter is a teen...she's going to have strongly formed opinions about his cheating from the get-go, unlike it might have been had she been a younger child. Where do YOU see this going?
Author Chris51 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Thanks Owl I honestly don't know what I am doing or where it is going! I am so frustrated and in love, blinded I suppose. I have never cared about anyone this much and I am scared to leave him. I know the future could be complicated, but we get on so well that I am willing to put up with that to be with him. His presumption is that as they know he moved in with me that they are aware of the extent of his relationship with me. He reckons this time he is willing to lose his daughter if she doesn't want to know him, but I'm worried that he thinks that is the case and when he is actually with me and the novelty has worn off he will want to move back just to see his daughter even if she rejects him. He is very needy and I suppose that is flattering. I am exhausted and spending a lot of my time feeling guilty for getting angry with him and insulting his ex. Maybe I need therapy.
frannie Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I then finished with him, but quickly started seeing him again, now a few months later he has told them again that he wants to move out and be with me and rent a flat (he hopes his daughter will come and stay with him if I aren't living there). Since he told them this last week, he hasn't looked for a flat with the excuse it will take a while to sort things out and that he is too busy. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Hello and welcome to the forum. My personal feeling on this is that while his worries about his daughter, and his being busy and so on are all understandable in a way, it doesn't change reality. And the reality is as you say, he's gone back once and he's living there now, and he really needs to make his mind up and stop messing everyone around. There really is only one way to be sure that things don't repeat themselves. And that is to pull back and put yourself behind the line again and let HIM do the work. So I'm not sure how much contact you have at the moment, but drop that right back in whatever way you can. Tell him you 'need some space' to think things through, and let him take as much time as he needs. But put down some expectation. Say for example you say you won't be doing overnights, or dates or whatever while he's still living there. Or say you will take his calls if he's made some progress, but unless he has any changes to report, you expect not to hear from him. That kind of thing. In other words, make him make the moves, and dependent on what moves he's made, then you see him more, or stay over, or whatever. Because the way it is, the cart is before the horse as they say.
frannie Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I am so frustrated and in love... I have never cared about anyone this much and I am scared to leave him. I am exhausted and spending a lot of my time feeling guilty for getting angry with him and insulting his ex. Maybe I need therapy. Hmm well you might do, we probably all do at times, but I think this is just a result of being in an affair... it does drive you crazy because there are so many questions, so many problems, and no one is prepared to do the tough work. You have to become less afraid of leaving him. Somehow.
Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I agree with Frannie. You have to become less afraid of him leaving. Set a clear boundary. Its simple (its not EASY...but it is simple). Tell him to come see you when the divorce is final. Make it clear that you love him, and want to be with him...but that you're not willing to do it in anything less than a "real" relationship. AND STICK TO THAT
torranceshipman Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 He 'presumes' his W and daughter know the extent of your relationship? How ridiculous. That right there tells you everything you need to know...he hasn't told them, he is avoiding conflict, and he has no respect for them. And there is no way he is OK with the idea of losing his daughter over this - sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You sound like you're a more honest person than he is, so do him a favor and tell him to be more honest - say he cant be with you unless its over with the W, and he's moved out already - that's at least more respectful to the W and daughter. Then and only then will you be with him. I don't think that ll ever happen tho, as, like you say, he's needy. He's a man that constantly needs someone there. Loser, big sad needy loser! You, his wife (and sadly, his daughter too) could all do a whole lot better.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 To everyone, please see that Chris mentioned this guy's not married, just has a partner? Once the guilt gets to him again I fear he'll leave again. It will be back and forth and you'll never be happy Chris. Be fair to yourself here ok?
Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Good point...one that raises another question. Is his daughter also his partner's daughter? This has a lot of bearing on any kind of 'family dynamics'. It does negate the need to 'wait for a divorce' regardless. All you need to insist on is that he ends his relationship with her completely before he begins a relationship with you. Not sure on the daughter thing tho...
ElvenPriestess Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Not sure on the daughter thing tho... Yeah I don't get that myself. They weren't married? And it's their kid? Why?
Author Chris51 Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Thanks everyone! Yes, it is his and her daughter, he has never been married. Your responses have given me the guts to confront today - he reckons he knows how he feels this time and as his daughter is nearly 17 he believes she would be growing away from him anyway. He says he actually wants to move back in with me and is taking a bit of time to do it as he wants to work out if that's feasible or whether he will have to go with the separate flat idea to prove to his daughter that he still loves her. I know I am taking a risk, but I felt stronger when I approached the conversation.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 17 is a vulnerable age? How about 5? Or 10? 17 not as much as if she were much younger. If he wants to make it work with you he needs to stop dinking around and DO IT.
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