Nikki221 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Hi guys...my name is Nikki and this is my first time to this site. I need som advice and support in dealing with my current relationship. Here's my story... I met J eight years ago, when we were both 17 (we are 26 now). From the moment we met I knew he was trouble. He was a partier and had already dropped out of high school. I was no angel or anything because I definitely did my share of partying, but I knew my boundaries and I came from a good family. My parents were middle class and still married and I was raised to have good morals and values. I had goals and dreams about the future...my life wasn't just about partying and getting wasted. J, on the other hand came from nothing and had a tumultuous upbringing. His dad died of a drug overdose when he was young and his mom had always been an alcoholic and a on and off gain crack addict. If I would have known how deeply addiction ran in his family I would have run away from him far and fast. I think J always had a crush on me from the first time we met, but I wasn't interested at first. In fact I thought he was the biggest idiot I had ever met, but then all of the sudden I found myself thinking about him all the time. After being friends for about a year and a half things changed between J and I and before I knew it I fell in love. At 19, I didn't look to the future or care much about anything. J made me laugh, he was the life of the party, everybody's best friend, and most importantly hot. I was head over heels in love with him and nobody could tell me anything about him...in my eyes he could do no wrong. I think I was intrigued by J because he was so different than anyone I had ever dated before. His lifestyle, upbringing and family were so different than mine. He was the ultimate bad boy and he made things interesting. Anyway- we dated on and off for like 3 years. Probably more off than on, but it didn't matter because even when we were off I still loved him. Our relationship was all about going out and partying. We fought all the time and we both had horrible jealousy issues. He put his friends before me and couldn't fully commit, but deep down I knew he loved me. When our relationship was good it was really good, but when it was bad, it was really bad. I stuck by his side through everything because I wanted so badly to make things work. I blamed all his problems on his family and childhood and not him. I knew he was emotionally detached, but again I thought he would grow out of it. Finally, in 2005 I walked away and left him. I had put up with the lying, the partying, the cheating, the drugs and the alcohol for long enough. I knew things just weren't working and it was causing me a lot of stress. J wasn't able to give me what I wanted or needed so I had to let it go. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because he was the only person I had ever loved and he was a constant in my life for so long. We had the same friends and went to the same places so I struggled with letting go. My heart hurt so bad that I really thought I would never move on. I finally met someone else and moved out of the small town we lived in to a bigger city like an hour away. Even though I was with someone else I still longed to be with J. We still talked on the phone and saw each other occassionally, but he was still the same. He finally met someone else and moved in with her...it broke my heart, but I knew it was better her than me. He would still call me for the first few months he was with his girlfriend telling me he missed me and needed me and that only made things worse. It really bothered me that he was able to give her everything I ever wanted. I felt like I put in years and got nothing in return, but then he meets her and boom...they are living together. I really started to do well for myself and I made a new life without J. I actually went a long time without talking to him. I would hear things about him and from what I heard I assumed he was doing well. It really seemed like he grew up and got his life together. I was in a relationship, but no matter how much I tried to tell myself that I had moved on, deep down I still wanted J. I wanted this new, great life of mine to be shared with J. No matter how hard I tried I could never give my all to someone else...J still had my heart. Fast forward to September of this year...I receive a phone call from J out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him for a really long time...I'm not even sure how he had gotten my phone number at this point. I had been hearing things about him and how he was using drugs, but I didn't know for sure. He told me him and his girlfriend had broken up and how he wanted to see me. I had no idea at this point that his girlfriend had kicked him out because of his drug use. Well J and I started hanging out and it brought back a lot of memories. I forgot how happy he made me and how much I missed him. Before I knew it he was telling me how he wanted to try things again and really wanted to work things out this time. He told me that he has always loved me and always will. So J and I decided to try again...even after two and a half years of being apart we both still loved each other. We decided to take it slow and not rush into things because that has never worked before. For awhile things were going well and I was ok with taking it slow. But now it's been 4 months and I feel like we are getting nowhere. J lives in a college/party town about 45 minutes from me so we only see each other on the weekends. He's still partying like every night of the week. That was fine when we were 21, but were are 26 now. I feel like he still ins't giving me what I want or what I need. I feel like he would rather go out and party with his friends than spend time with me. I guess I'm only important when he feels like its convenient. I've realized that J is the exact same person he has always been. This is great in some aspects, but really bad in other ways. Yes, he is still the same person I fell in love with, but I think I've outgrown that person. I'm ready to settle down and be serious and even though J says that he wants that I don't see any effort. I feel like I give and I give and all he does is take and take. I would do anything to make this work because I have loved this man for like seven years, but I'm just not sure that it will. I'm at the point where I'm thinking about walking away forever, but it is so hard. I've never wanted to be with anyone else as badly as J, but if it can't work then it can't work. There is no way that I can keep putting myself through this over and over again. How do you know when it is the right time to walk away from someone for good?
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 How do you know when it is the right time to walk away from someone for good? In your situation, the first time. You have answered all your own questions in your thread. The one thing you failed to mention was the poor fellow who you have been with all this time that you were thinking about your ex and how much you missed him. It must have had an impact on him to watch you walk away from a drug user, rebuild your life & give it direction only to go back to where you started. Given the lack of information about the other guy you were with, i will not go on to much about it, but you know what is good for you here & it is not him. in almost every paragraph of your thread you have given a reason not to be with this fellow, yet you have not been able to move past him. It seems that you have been stuck there with him in your mind for 7 years and have not completely freed yourself up to the possibility of having another equally forfilling relationship with another person. Untill you move away from this guy completely (NC - in every form) & allow yourself time to heal from him, you yourself will remain an addict - addicted to him. Good luck, welcome to LS. It is a great place full of help, support and advice, cant speak for everyone but this forum has helped me immensely - i hope it does the same for you.
cicada Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 by Ariadne ~ Don't they know how boring that is? And that nobody cares? Since they are new? Oh yeah, come total stranger, and let me read your pages to no end of your story. if you don't care why are you even replying to this post ? people here on Loveshack do care about others , it is a supportive website , so you may want to ask yourself if you are so bored and uninterested why are you on here posting ? LOL. ( take a happy pill or something )
dropdeadlegs Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 First loves can be hard to get over, even when they are bad for you. As time goes on we tend to forget the pain and remember the good parts and that seems to have caused you to need to revisit the situation. Now you've done that. However, while it may have taken you a second go-round, you now know that he hasn't, and isn't, going to change for you. Maybe he just can't or needs some qualified help. Don't take it personally, whatever you do. This isn't about you at all. You sound like a nice, smart, stable lady. You deserve someone just like you. Assess your self esteem and give it a boost, too. Get a jaw dropping haircut; something brand new and stunning! I swear that works wonders for me. (I'm totally serious!)
Author Nikki221 Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Adriadne- Obviously you are one of those people that are so unhappy with your own life that you feel the need to cause drama and deliberately be rude to other people...misery loves company. How sad...how very, very sad. You've probably made everyone in your own life so miserable that now you don't have any friends so you have to get online to cause drama...ha ha...poor girl.
RichC Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 You have absolutely no class. You do not put any thought into the impact of your words and obviously you do not care. Why are you wasting the posters time with you kindergarden comments? Make you feel like a real woman to put someone down. Please extract your head from you colon and move on fool.
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