And the heartlesness continues

[JustBreathe]

You aren't screwed, Confused9. Unless you just lay down and just accept what he's doing to you. You should at least look into it. Go see a lawyer right away before he changes his address to another state or something and things get more tangled up. At least find out what happens IF he DOESN'T pay you because it sure sounds like he's leaving you high and dry.

 

If you want to, you could do nothing. But IMO you stand a chance because the credit card debt was for things you both used. The wedding band you can always sell for money.

 

Good luck Confused9. I know it hurts so much to have someone you love shaft you like this.

 

If it's any consolation, when I was very young, a live-in boyfriend shafted me in the same way. I paid off all his bills and he left me for another girl. All I got was my clothes. I had sold my car and was using his so I didn't even have a car to get to work. Everything in the apartment, he either sold or got rid of somehow while I was too stunned to do anything about it. You aren't the first to be blindsided like this, nor will you be the last.

 

I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I!

[jmargel]

You must always think of a relationship as a business deal in some aspects. Everything is in your name, you have no written contract, so you are basically screwed.

 

My friend had the a similar situation. Everything in her name, he cheated twice, she kicked him out. I convinced her to tell him she wasn't sure if she was going to come back, even though she didn't want to. She played the game, while I wrote a contract up stating he owed this money, had him sign it and then notorized. She then ditched his ass for good. She eventually got all her money. lol Man.. i'm good

 

Anyway, it's apparent he has maturity problems and that is something you can't fix. If I were you I would still contact a lawyer, good chance they know something we don't.

 

Make sure he no longer has any credit cards in your name. I would also call a credit counselor to see what options you have. Even though I am married, I would never, ever put my wife's name on my checking account. She is just fiancially irresponsible. Her credit cards are only in her name as well. I learned from a past mistake with an ex.

[ElvenPriestess]

You aren't screwed, Confused9. Unless you just lay down and just accept what he's doing to you. You should at least look into it. Go see a lawyer right away before he changes his address to another state or something and things get more tangled up. At least find out what happens IF he DOESN'T pay you because it sure sounds like he's leaving you high and dry.

 

If you want to, you could do nothing. But IMO you stand a chance because the credit card debt was for things you both used. The wedding band you can always sell for money.

 

Good luck Confused9. I know it hurts so much to have someone you love shaft you like this.

 

If it's any consolation, when I was very young, a live-in boyfriend shafted me in the same way. I paid off all his bills and he left me for another girl. All I got was my clothes. I had sold my car and was using his so I didn't even have a car to get to work. Everything in the apartment, he either sold or got rid of somehow while I was too stunned to do anything about it. You aren't the first to be blindsided like this, nor will you be the last.

 

I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I!

 

You and me both I'll tell ya.

[LakesideDream]

Sadly there is a 5 ton elephant in the room. You "lived" together, co-habited for a number of years correct? He wasn't credit worthy so the two of you used your credit. It sounded like he deposited his paychecks into your account (correct me if I'm wrong). You created the debt together.

 

If the above is true, you are going to be out of luck. Judges in the U.S. at least are loath to try to unravel day to day finances for an unmarried couple. In most cases the adage is that you were both adults, relating over an extended period of time, making choices as you went along.

 

$20,000 dollars seems like a lot of money, it isn't in the legal world. Most contested divorces cost that much. By choosing to live without a marriage contract, or any subsequent written contracts concerning the financial matters you shared, it's your word against his. That's just not enough in court. There are very few financially equal "relationships".

 

My policy is to never loan money. If a friend needs money, and I have it to spare, I give it to them without strings. Why? Strings end friendships. What you did was make a series of loans without documentation.

 

As for your question "how can he be so heartless" the answer is in your post. A person who isn't credit worthy, is usually a person who does not take personal responsibility. There are exceptions but they are few.

Edited January 10, 2008 by LakesideDream

[Confused9]

So basically I am just crewed and he wins.

[ElvenPriestess]

He doesn't win. He's stuck with the guilt of himself, hence why he's being so cold, and you will prevail as the better person that you already are.

[JustBreathe]

I would at least get a consultation from a lawyer and, like JMargel says, talk to a credit counselor . I wouldn't assume I'm screwed.

 

'nuff said, I wish you good luck with this. I hope it works out for you, sweetie.

[herenow]

Depending on where you live, you can file a small claims law suit against him and get some of your money back. I think 20K is over any states limit, but it's an inexpensive way to get something. If he has a history of payment to you, that should prove that he knows the money was a loan and was intended to be paid back. If you don't have any thing in writing, you will need to prove his past payments. This is just my opinion and you need to check with your local small claims court.

 

Sorry if this has already been said, I haven't read the whole thread.

[Confused9]

Hi checks have been direct deposited since March of 04 at least. Then...in October 07 I got 200 a week from him so there's proof. I am not asking him for the 20,000 I know that it's half mine or whatever. I just want the 10,400 he owes or 8,000 you know?

 

I am just so hurt by his actions. I really am. It's so sad what he's done to me and how he's treated me. It makes me so sick.

 

I loved this man, gave him 7 years of my life, my virginity, EVERYTHING. I was going to be his wife. Now he's saying he never loved me and hates me and whatever.

[ElvenPriestess]

Hi checks have been direct deposited since March of 04 at least. Then...in October 07 I got 200 a week from him so there's proof. I am not asking him for the 20,000 I know that it's half mine or whatever. I just want the 10,400 he owes or 8,000 you know?

 

I am just so hurt by his actions. I really am. It's so sad what he's done to me and how he's treated me. It makes me so sick.

 

I loved this man, gave him 7 years of my life, my virginity, EVERYTHING. I was going to be his wife. Now he's saying he never loved me and hates me and whatever.

 

I just know how bad it hurts. The I hate yous, you were the worst mistake I made, all those things, I hear them too. And it's painful. Now that he's not in your life in that way though you just have to tell him hey, money is our only connection, and I expect for you to treat me civil, as a human being not your whipping post, as I will give you the same respect.

 

I took out my 401k instead of rolling it over at his request, and it's gone. To him. I gave up everything and like yours he says he hates me. Well I may have lost things, and so have you, but we will both be the better from it and far better people than those that treat others without regard. Just remember "Thank heaven I'm not like him."

[herenow]

Hi checks have been direct deposited since March of 04 at least. Then...in October 07 I got 200 a week from him so there's proof. I am not asking him for the 20,000 I know that it's half mine or whatever. I just want the 10,400 he owes or 8,000 you know?

 

I am just so hurt by his actions. I really am. It's so sad what he's done to me and how he's treated me. It makes me so sick.

 

I loved this man, gave him 7 years of my life, my virginity, EVERYTHING. I was going to be his wife. Now he's saying he never loved me and hates me and whatever.

 

Lawyers can eat that (8K) up in less than 1 month. The beauty of small claims is that it keeps cases like yours out of the courts and you can get a ruling for very little money. You really don't have much to lose by suing him in small claims. Ask your lawyer friend if he or she can help you file if that is what you want to do.

 

As far as the pain you feel. You're human and he has been extremely selfish and uncaring. It's hard to understand how someone you loved, and professed their love to you, can act this way. I'm not sure there is anything I can say at this point to help that pain except that in the future (hopefully in the near future) you will be happy that he is out of your life and you never married him.

[Confused9]

Thank you all so much.

 

I hope one day to be happy, I really do. Too bad I can't imagine being so.

 

I will get through this...one foot in front of the other.

[ElvenPriestess]

Thank you all so much.

 

I hope one day to be happy, I really do. Too bad I can't imagine being so.

 

I will get through this...one foot in front of the other.

 

And a day at a time. Yes.

[Confused9]

This is the worst thing...I hope I get.

[LakesideDream]

Hi checks have been direct deposited since March of 04 at least. Then...in October 07 I got 200 a week from him so there's proof. I am not asking him for the 20,000 I know that it's half mine or whatever. I just want the 10,400 he owes or 8,000 you know?

 

I am just so hurt by his actions. I really am. It's so sad what he's done to me and how he's treated me. It makes me so sick.

 

I loved this man, gave him 7 years of my life, my virginity, EVERYTHING. I was going to be his wife. Now he's saying he never loved me and hates me and whatever.

 

 

Confused9, There is is. His checks from work were direct deposited into your bank account, which functioned as the household account since March 04 at least. The funds, yours and his were completely "co-mingled" making it impossible to unravel the "who's and why's".

 

If funds are "co-mingled" someone always feels cheated in a breakup. When you are married, and have a "marriage contract" a judge will decide the distribution of assets. You and your BF have no contract allowing a distribution.

 

I feel compassion for you, you lost seven years of your life. It could have been much worse. I lost 25 years to a wife that cheated for 23 years, a couple of people here on LS have lost 30. You might want to consider yourself lucky.

[Confused9]

Lucky, really? I don't feel lucky.

 

What if I never can trust again? What if I never get my 30 years? I don't feel lucky at all and speaking to him today...all that makes me want to do is talk to him now. Like he's the only thing to make it better and he is the cause. How messed up is that?

[LifesontheUp]

Confused, you will not feel lucky now, its been too little time since all this started. You are still hurting very badly and at the moment you cannot see the wood from the trees. But in time you will come to realise that you had a lucky escape from this lying, cheating, untrustworthy waste of time.

 

Each day you have NC with him helps with your healing. You may not think it at the time, but ask those that have gone through it, I'm one of them, the longer you have NC, the better it is for you. Each time you have contact, its like picking the wound that is slowly healing.

 

Now I understand that what he did over the money led to you contacting him. But he is still continuing with his lying and I think you already know that he has no intention of paying. This is the type of person he truly is. You therefore have to decide on your next course of action. I would suggest speaking to the lawyer you know to find out where you stand legally. I would NOT speak to him again as lets face it he only lies to you and it ends up with you getting more upset.

 

I hope you are feeling a little better today

[Confused9]

Thanks Life.

 

I do feel a little better. LAst night was brutal. I missde him so bad and it confused me talking to him so many times. I mean we had been NC for a month and some change.

 

I just don't understand what his problem is. He made a commitment to me with that money. How can he honestly think he does not owe it to me? Or does he know he owes it to me and doesn't care? Again, all these questions I have that I can't answer.

 

I am so hurt by everything he's done. It's almost like...enough already. I really needed that money to pay off our debt. Now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just take it lying down. I know my shot at winning are slim and I don't know if I have it in me to fight anymore.

 

I just wish he would do the right thing.

[herenow]

Thanks Life.

 

I do feel a little better. LAst night was brutal. I missde him so bad and it confused me talking to him so many times. I mean we had been NC for a month and some change.

 

I just don't understand what his problem is. He made a commitment to me with that money. How can he honestly think he does not owe it to me? Or does he know he owes it to me and doesn't care? Again, all these questions I have that I can't answer.

 

I am so hurt by everything he's done. It's almost like...enough already. I really needed that money to pay off our debt. Now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just take it lying down. I know my shot at winning are slim and I don't know if I have it in me to fight anymore.

 

I just wish he would do the right thing.

 

Did you ask your lawyer friend about small claims court?

[Confused9]

I haven't had a chance to. I will try to tonight. His wife had surgery yesterday...so.

 

I haven't made my decision on what I will do yet in terms of that yet. I really don't thikn I ahve a case. He's going to win, again!

 

I did contact my x's mom as I have stuff at the home. Including the wedding band. At first she wasn't going to give it to me (my credit card purchased it!!!) but she said she would. Her email was VERY cold. I can only imagine what he has said to her.

 

She finished her email with, 'I don't want to talk any more of whats all taken place' she missed some words in there so I am not sur what she was trying to say...if it was becasue of all that's taken place and she is saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore or if she's saying she doesn't want to talk about what's taken place. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter.

 

This family is being completely unfair to me. After 7 years...its like I never existed. I guess it's almost over now. ALL OVER!!!

[Confused9]

He's masking everything he did with malicious acts and anger so as not to have to deal with the facts of what he's done. The only thing you can do is attempt calls and contact as much as possible, and again seek legal advice. And then go from there.

 

 

Is he ever going to have to deal with what he's done?!?!?!?!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Confused, worry about the hurt later. Right now, protect your credit.

 

I repeat - right now, PROTECT YOUR CREDIT.

 

Cry and ask why later.

 

I was married to a loser with bad credit and everything was in my name. He ponied up in the end during the divorce, but after the divorce I had to make a few payments on things he was still trying to get his own loan for (his car and some other bills). Anyway, he ended up being about $1,200 into me and month after month he didn't pay.

 

I finally took the bull by the horns and sued him in small claims court. He never showed for the court date so I got an automatic judgement.

 

A judgement means SQUAT. It's not worth the paper it's printed on unless you go to the NEXT step and begin procedures to actually COLLECT the funds. I paid for a Writ of Execution, I believe it was called. That's when the county sheriff (or whatever your county has) goes out to his property and starts listing things he owns so they can hold a public sale and sell his sh*t to pay the debt he owes you.

 

My ex-H didn't have much, but because of his bad credit, it took him forever to finally get approved for a car - but being high-risk, he paid through the nose in upfront charges and the interest rate. Imagine what his face must have looked like when he came out of his house to go to work one morning and there was a nice 'NOTICE OF LEVY SALE' slapped right on his windshield. It told about how the car was going to be sold at public auction two weeks from that date at 1:30 in the afternoon, to pay off his debt to me.

 

HEE HEE.

 

Too bad, so sad.

 

He ran right down to the sheriff's office that afternoon and wrote out a check to me (which the sheriff forwarded to me at my new address) for the amount owed on the judgement PLUS the cost of the Writ of Execution (which gets added on to the judgement amount owed).

 

Butt-munch.

 

There comes a time when you have to play hardball.

 

DO IT.

Edited January 11, 2008 by ICallsEmAsISeesEm

[Confused9]

He doesn't own anything at least to my knowledge. I don't really know if there is much I can do. Trust me...I will talk to a lawyer but I can't afford one becasue now I am out 800.00 a month and need to get a second job. There really isn't much I can do at this point. Plus, he's 1,000 miles away and I don't have his address. I can only send things to his mom's house and who knows what that will do.

 

This is dispicable. Seriously...just wrong.

[LakesideDream]

Yes it's wrong, yes it's unfair, no it's not an unusual situation. You re strong, you will survive this. Get that second job, sell some stuff on eBay, it won't take long to overcome this. Just don't fall into the poor poor pitiful me trap. Pity parties are not productive.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is dispicable. Seriously...just wrong.

Condused9, you've started multiple threads, all on the same topic:

 

"How my ex-BF did me wrong"

 

And multiple posters, myself included, have agreed that he treated you poorly, terribly, horribly, badly...

 

But when do you decide that you've been a victim long enough and you're ready to take back control of your life? LakesideDream says you're having a pity party. Seems like a pretty fair desription of the process you're going through. The next step will come when you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself (and asking others to do the same). I hope you find the strength to get through this tough situation...

 

Mr. Lucky