Author kimba Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 as long as everyone is in agreeance then.....
blon_dee Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 You're not stupid!! im stupid.. lol... ready my latest post.. omg... I have to let this one go.............. Sooo hard after a year!!!
Author kimba Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 I just feel a fool, and that i havent been true to myself. And i feel stupid because now I'll be waiting for a call that will never come
SunnyLady Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 (edited) First off, I must say thanks for creating this thread. Reading your story has helped me realise how much I have progressed since leaving a rship similar to yours. Ill briefly narrate mine. Very similar facts with only a few differences.. We started off envisaging a proper rship sometime in the near future. The rship lasted 7 months. He started off as a perfect gentleman. He was actually very caring and attentive etc. The warning signs however were that he kept shying away from the rship issue. The first time we discussed it, he assured me that we would progress. Later on, each time I brought it up, he would come up with a different excuse like he wasn't sure he was ready for a rship, his cup was still full from his last, his fear of commitmment etc. He put it to me as though "he" had the problem and I would make a good partner but for his fears. So stupid me, I stayed on, thinking I could change him etc. But things went from bad to worse. I started getting attached, he observed. I mean the initial agreement was that we would get into a commited rship and I still assumed that state of mind. But he began to notice I was getting attached and requiring for a decent level of commitement. And then drastically everything changed. I know he had feelings for me at some point, I know to an extent he cared but that all withered away, I don't know seems like he had demons to battle. The residual feelings he had were lustful ones. But I as already so attached that I would accept anything...just for him to be with me. This is where our stories synchronize. I brought up the rship issue over and over again. He told me he couldn't give me commitment anymore. He wouldn't see any other woman and commit to be in that regard, but he didnt desire for commitment in the broad sense at this point in his life, or anytime in the near future. STUPID me, I stayed on. So he was basically eating his cake and having it. I never went to visit him at home, never went on a proper date with him. He would come over to see me and leave when the deed was done. He wouldn't bother calling me. He had no regular pattern of doing anthing relative to me! Most time his visits were initaited by me. He went from being so affectionate to being stone cold. We used to spend nights together, but then he became intersted in spending hours. Atimes I felt like a prostitute, all he wanted was the phsyical part of me. But my situation was a bit tricky because we started off as being committed to each other. So I still viewed him in that light and refused to accept that things had changed. Gosh it was awful. My self value dropped to nought. My worth diminshed to an extent where he could say anything to me and get away with it. Example, one time he came over (after not seeing him for 3 weeks) and we had an argument stemming from my query as to why he hardly called. He said to me "i told you i didnt want commitment" ...well I had to shut up! I tried to hug him and kiss him when he was going home and he said I was being "too clingy". This is someone who at some point couldnt stop kissing and hugging me. He would criticize everything about me. Tell me I was the craziest person he ever knew etc. He said I was too emotional. He abused me in every way and form. But I stayed on it. And guess what? He eventually broke it off with me...beacuse he knew I "couldnt do it" i.e go along with his arrangment. He realised I wasnt built for that. My esteem was battered and bruised. I felt like de-humanized. After EVERYTHING, he dumped me. I let him treat me with such abandon and HE still had the last say. Girl you need to let go NOW. When a guy sees you as nothing but a tool of fun, YOU can't change that perception of his. Change will come only from within. You need to move on to someone who will treat you with respect, love and care. Women have a natural disposition to nuture, love and care. I tried to fight it...tried to be a casual partner but I coudn't! I wondered how he could treat me the way he did. We did have our tender moments and we were intimate as well. How could he just touch me with so much consistency and just treat me like a hooker afterwards, no affection whatsoever...once he left my place I wouldnt hear from him until... Didnt he even want to talk to me? I would ask myself. He would leave my house and refrain from contacting me until I contacted him! I just cdnt get it. The more badly he treated me, the more I wanted him. But I am glad to be out of that bondage. He was BAD for me, and this fellow is TOXIC to your system. You have NOTHING to loose. It wil hurt you like it hurt me and you will miss the few valuable times you spent together. But when you get out of it, you will see things in a clearer light. Inspite of the bad treatment I didnt want to let him go beacause I wanted to spend thoes intimate times with him. I wanted him to be there if I needed man to woman time. I was living in a fantasy world. I though the more time we spent together, the more attached he would become,hoping he would change. Hoping he would begin to see me the way I saw him, but I was simply in denial of reality. I stopped contact with him after the split. Said he wanted to be friends, yet he didn't contact me for a month after we split. Later he started contacting me, being nice etc. He seemed to show more interest in my well being. Which he didnt give a **** about at some point. Recently he told a very good friend of mine that I don't talk to him anymore and he is sad. He recently tried to make contact but I was indifferent to him which he viewed as being cold. Of course he would, in the past I was the bubbly and happy one always trying to please him. So honey, you need to let go! You are so worth so much more than that. Please don't contact him. Let him do the contacting and please don't him use you any further. This guy I am talking about is now inovlved with another girl! Doing the same thing with her, but she apparently is a willing party to it. She isnt looking for more so she's said but Im sure that will change as it often does. It just proved to me that staying with him longer would have been a waste of time. He is selfish and does only what he wants regardless of my feelings. And he wasnt going to give me what I wanted. Same goes to you. You are so much more than that. Dinner is absolutely nothing. Guys take even ESCORTS to dinner. Please kick him to the side now you have the opportunity to. And you must have learned valuable lessons from this experience. We have all done stupid things...but it's the ability to learn and grow from such expereinces that negate our regretable actions. xxx Edited January 11, 2008 by SunnyLady errors
Author kimba Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 But I as already so attached that I would accept anything...just for him to be with me. I want to comment on heaps of things you have said Thats exactly me. I am taking scraps. I just want to be with him. Now its dawning on me that he sees that. Ive got t o that point, where I am sure, even after the other day , he will expect me to call next week. Oh I am so glad you posted this. Its like I am looking into the future. I brought up the rship issue over and over again. He told me he couldn't give me commitment anymore. He wouldn't see any other woman and commit to be in that regard, but he didnt desire for commitment in the broad sense at this point in his life, or anytime in the near future.. All i have done is say i want to go out for a meal and HE is the one talking about how e doesnt want a relationship. he must be so so scared. And similarly to you he has told me that he will tell me if he starts "seeing" anyone else (a kind of quasi psuedo commitment there) And that he doesnt want a relationship with anyone in any form. So he was basically eating his cake and having it. I never went to visit him at home, never went on a proper date with him. He would come over to see me and leave when the deed was done. He wouldn't bother calling me. He had no regular pattern of doing anthing relative to me! Most time his visits were initaited by me.. Oh god, that is EXACTLY this... I have never been to his home, never gone out, he leaves straight after. Doesnt call, and has no pattern, the only pattern he knows of is ME calling HIM every 3 days - its honestly every 3 DAYS..... At times I felt like a prostitute, all he wanted was the phsyical part of me. Example, one time he came over (after not seeing him for 3 weeks) and we had an argument stemming from my query as to why he hardly called... He said to me "i told you i didnt want commitment That makes sense now as to why i dont get called. He is so pathetic that he must view that as commitment. How friggin sad..... But I stayed on it. And guess what? He eventually broke it off with me...beacuse he knew I "couldnt do it" i.e go along with his arrangment. He realised I wasnt built for that. Yeah that is what is going to happen here. After our last conversation, he will be thinking the same thing. If i ever called him again, he would probably say he doesnt want to see me again because now he can tell im not "built for it" I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. NC!!!!!!!!!!! Girl you need to let go NOW. When a guy sees you as nothing but a tool of fun, YOU can't change that perception of his. Change will come only from within. Women have a natural disposition to nuture, love and care. I tried to fight it...tried to be a casual partner but I coudn't! . Ive never been in a casual thing before. Its not for me. Its so soul - less... And i have tried to fight it for 3 months. In fact, i kept a diary of what was going on to start with and i just remember now, that very early on i was fighting it, like only after 2 or 3 times. God..... I'm going to come back and comment on the rest of the post. I cant thank you enough for this. This way, the way i have left it with him- I am the one who has had the last say.
Author kimba Posted January 12, 2008 Author Posted January 12, 2008 I wondered how he could treat me the way he did. We did have our tender moments and we were intimate as well. How could he just touch me with so much consistency and just treat me like a hooker afterwards, no affection whatsoever...once he left my place I wouldnt hear from him until... Didnt he even want to talk to me? I would ask myself. He would leave my house and refrain from contacting me until I contacted him! I just cdnt get it. The more badly he treated me, the more I wanted him. thats exactly what he does, and thats exactly how i feel. I though the more time we spent together, the more attached he would become,hoping he would change. Hoping he would begin to see me the way I saw him, but I was simply in denial of reality.. yep thats what i have been doing I stopped contact with him after the split. Said he wanted to be friends, yet he didn't contact me for a month after we split. Later he started contacting me, being nice etc. He seemed to show more interest in my well being. Which he didnt give a **** about at some point. Recently he told a very good friend of mine that I don't talk to him anymore and he is sad. He recently tried to make contact but I was indifferent to him which he viewed as being cold .. I wonder whether my not contacting him will have any affect on him whatsoever. When i dont hear from him again that will be the final insult. Please don't contact him. Let him do the contacting and please don't him use you any further. He wont contact and i wont contact. I could never ever sleep with him now.
SunnyLady Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I am glad my advice was of value to you :-). Yes they are convinced about thier ability to predict our actions. He is probably expecting you to give in and ring him any moment from now. Lol, yeah no pattern as well. See something I have come to understand is this. When a guy says he doesn't want commitment, I believe he doesn't want to be held accountable to anyone. He wants no obligations example having to call to check up on her, or a regular visiting pattern etc. Its pathetic isnt it. These things are so trivial, but they make them out to be so big. Oh yes, I am not surprised you got into an argument with him. With guys likes these, the only way to avoid conflict is to accept everything without complaints. So basically if all you were interested in was sleeping with him and you desired for nothing more, I am sure you would get on just fine. This is why you see people involved in such casual affairs for lenghty periods of time. But like you said I love commitment. I am sooo not cut out for this messing around business. It is SO NOT ME. Some women arec ut out for it, I certainly do not constitute that category. Yes you are most certainly in a better position than I was. Maintain no contact. They always get taken aback when they see us move on...I guess they feel we are so predictable and expect us to conform to their expectations. When we cease to do so, curiosity creeps in. I have no doubt that he would have called it off soon. Why? Beacuse he realised that you are not cut out for stuff like that and would always push for more than casual sex, whether directly or indirectly example going out for dinner. Its a good thing as well, because its and indicator that you are aware of your self worth. He will look back and view you as the woman who wanted more. I'ld rather be known as that, than be termed as the woman who was content with casual stuff. I don't know if you get my dirft.
Author kimba Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Yes they are convinced about thier ability to predict our actions. He is probably expecting you to give in and ring him any moment from now. Yeah well that is definately not going to happen. Yes, he was quite comfortable in my predicatbility. Calling every three days.... god it makes me cringe. Lol, yeah no pattern as well. See something I have come to understand is this. When a guy says he doesn't want commitment, I believe he doesn't want to be held accountable to anyone. He wants no obligations example having to call to check up on her, or a regular visiting pattern etc. Its pathetic isnt it. These things are so trivial, but they make them out to be so big.. Yeah thats really interesting. When he leaves and doesnt say he'll call - its all about that - having no commitment. And Its is so so pathetic. I can see it now. And yeah - having no calling pattern- Oh he thinks he is such a hero. Oh yes, I am not surprised you got into an argument with him. With guys likes these, the only way to avoid conflict is to accept everything without complaints. . I was actually really calm, but really said what i wanted to say. I didnt want to come off as a fruit loop. I didnt want him to be able to say "she went psycho". I dont want to be "one of those women". But it seems if a woman does say how it is, she is nuts (?!) Yes you are most certainly in a better position than I was. Maintain no contact. They always get taken aback when they see us move on...I guess they feel we are so predictable and expect us to conform to their expectations. When we cease to do so, curiosity creeps in.. Curiousity? he might get curious but I really doubt that he would do anything about it. He might think that calling me might make me think he has *changed his mind*. I have no doubt that he would have called it off soon. Why? Beacuse he realised that you are not cut out for stuff like that and would always push for more than casual sex, whether directly or indirectly example going out for dinner. Its a good thing as well, because its and indicator that you are aware of your self worth.. I'm glad it didnt get to the stage where HE was the one calling it off. It would have been sooo much worse. He will look back and view you as the woman who wanted more. I'ld rather be known as that, than be termed as the woman who was content with casual stuff. I don't know if you get my dirft. Oh yes, I do. At least I have left him with a glimpse at what my true character is, because what i was doing with him wasnt. **The problem is that I am now holding out pathetic hope that in a week or 2 , he will have second thoughts, and call me**
Lishy Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 He may call you in 2 weeks or even sooner but if he does he wont be saying what you want to hear! He will be missing his free poontang!
Author kimba Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 He may call you in 2 weeks or even sooner but if he does he wont be saying what you want to hear! He will be missing his free poontang! yeah, but even the fact that he is calling and I will be able to say NO will be satisfying. I guess its my ego here- and pride - I just feel hurt that someone could just let me go like that- so easily. Lishy , the thing is that he KNOWS that i am not up for casual now- that i want to AT LEAST go out and do other things, so, i doubt he will call if sex is all he wants. I am depressed.
Lishy Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Dont be depressed babe! He is so not worth it! The kindest thing that could happen to you now is for him to call and you to tell him to forget it and for him to never call again - So you can move on You are at the bottom of a long ladder unless you truly decide enough is enough and stay strong!
Author kimba Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Dont be depressed babe! He is so not worth it! The kindest thing that could happen to you now is for him to call and you to tell him to forget it and for him to never call again - So you can move on You are at the bottom of a long ladder unless you truly decide enough is enough and stay strong! I can't help it. I have decided eough is enough with him. Luckily, I have not called him since we had the *conversation* about going out for lunch/dinner. That was wednesday. Today is monday. The thing is Lishy is that I would just like to think that he will notice me not calling , and get some sort of pang of *something*. Its just the thought that he is not going to try and call. And i feel like I am holding out for something that is not going to happen. How long to guys usually take to call in a pathetic situation like this. Dont get me wrong - im not sleeping with him again. Its just my ego is bruised.
Summer_guy_uk Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 You can't really force anything on him for any amount of time. Guys have f*ck buddies for that reason only, they don't want to date that person. It's just casual sex on tap with no commitment. If you tell him you want more he'll either say "I thought we were keeping it no strings" and you'll push him away as you make yourself look needy to him, or he'll say "ok lets give it a shot". The latter is unlikely however. In the past the reason I've picked a girl to be a F buddy is because I wasn't that attracted to her or didnt' see her as gf material. I think many guys who've had F buddies will agree.
alterego1234 Posted January 14, 2008 Posted January 14, 2008 Its not thread jacking, its all a help to me. I just need to hear from guys like you that what he is doing ISNT normal. I know it was a f buddy arrangement, but still it is bad treatment. A MEAL........ I don't know if it's normal or not, but he's a jerk, and you deserve better. Every woman deserves better. And sorry Alterego.. i know not all men are like that... It just pisses me.. im an attractive, successful and very giving and loving person, and i keep meeting these awful b*stard men.. I dont know why???????????? No problem, I knew you didn't really mean all men. CaliGuy on this board recommended a book to me recently about "Nice Guys" -- it's possible that there is a female version called a "Nice Girl" who expect "b*stard men" to treat her nicely just because she's being nice to him. Doesn't work that way. The guy ought to be a good guy from the beginning. I dont think this guy is EVER going to change. Most likely not.
Author kimba Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) *Its now a couple of months later* I did see him a few times after my last post, but then i went away for a cpl of weeks. I could see the pattern that was forming and I just got sick of it. He also did a few other jerky things and I also wasn't comfortable with the fact that he could be sleeping with other people. I guess I didnt really trust him. I was neglecting other areas of my life, and becoming obsessed with trying to hook him. Ridiculous. So yesterday I sent him an email telling him that I didnt want any more contact, and not to come around to my house, and not to call, and that I didnt want to see him anymore. I havent said that to anyone before. This is really how I feel, as he was doing me more harm than good emotionally. I feel better already that I have taken a stand. However.... But now its occurred to me that he might ignore what ive said and he might try and contact me even though i have said (quite firmly) not to contact me again. What do you think? Is telling someone that you never want to see them again really that effective?????? Edited March 24, 2008 by kimba
Lishy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Well telling them is the first step .... showing them is the most effective! You have to be strong as he may ignore your request - Or he may listen to you and never call again! It depends on him! You have done the right thing BUT I have a feeling that if he listens to you and doesnt call this will upset you all over again! I am guessing that you really want him to call and declare that he cannot live without you (we all want that I suppose) but dont bank on that hon Be strong and go meet someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated!
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