kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 OK, i have a sex buddy and we have been "together" for about 3 months. As I am female i have kind of got attached. We have never been out on a date at all, its just sex. Ofcourse i want more, and today I asked him to go out for dinner. He said yes and then he said he "doesnt know what he wants" and then he ended up saying NO. Said he doesnt want a relationship in any form. Going out for dinner is something that friends do, it doesn't mean we are getting married. So i said "so you are happy to sleep with me for x amount of time but not go out for dinner???" He was not happy i said that. but its the truth. So I am just not contacting him again. But i feel very depressed about it and have been crying on my cat all afternoon. I also feel stupid that I have let it get this far. I feel insulted as well. Insignificant. I dont expect to hear from him again, as i would have scared him off. there is no way i can change his mind is there?
CalamitousJane Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Ok, I know this won't sound very politically correct, since NC is supposed to be the ultimate pinnacle of self-expression So the way you connected to him was through sex, right? That's a given and it works for you two. If I were you I'd try going back to where you were and taking it from there. I would try moving forward even more slowly and gently - not something so extreme as dinner out in public. Maybe just push the boundaries gently. What type of new, non-physical intimacy might he be most open to? Breakfast together? Flirting by phone? More talking less f$cking some time? Maybe try expanding his mind instead of changing it. Honestly, if you were ok with being f$ckbuddies, probably YOU need to go slowly to avoid shocking yourself!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 i have sort of tried that, but really i can't trick him into it. He is adamant he doesnt want a relationship with anyone. If I went back to him and tried that, it would ne ME that got MORE emotionally involved, and MORE hurt. Its a nice idea though. Maybe it would work if i had a heart of steel. And as it stands now, if i went back and slept with him again after saying i want more, he will have utterly NO respect for me. He probably has little or none as it is. I do like your way of thinking tho.
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Ths has been my first (and last) f*ck buddy situation, because I cannot handle it and don't like the aftermath. When he leaves its awful. Its like being a hooker and the guy skips on paying. Its like an emptiness though, and it makes me angry. Its short term fulfillment and long term pain.
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 KImba I know exactly how you feel - I was there 2 years ago and it was hell I drove everyone mad on here as I felt awful about myself, I am not the sort of person to have one night stands and can count on one hand how many lovers I have had in 36 years! I became obsessed with him and the more obsessed I became the more he pulled away. He did not kid me, he was honest that he was still stuck on his ex and did not want a relationship. This went on for a year! I would sleep with him, feel great about it, then 2 days later when he still hadnt called I would feel like a hooker (unpaid) and feel awful. I cannot seperate sex and feelings as I have never been promiscuous, even when I was younger! Ok here is what I did - I deleted his number and went out and met other people, I met a great guy and when my fk buddy found out he kept texting and IMing (never called) and basically told me that he was not ready for a relationship then, but he WAS ready now. He works as a bouncer and he never used to buy me a drink, but after I met this guy when I went to his bar he went straight to the bar and got me a drink, the difference was amazing! I left without saying goodbye and he IMd me the next day mad that I had left without saying goodbye, he implied he could have come around for a cuddle!!! I had great pleasure in telling him that his shoddy behaviour with me has made me appreciate what a fabulous guy I have now! He didnt like it lol Anyway, bottom line is that you have to break away from him as it is hurting you. It wont be easy! You can do it girl! Go meet your Prince Charming and you will realise how a girl is supposed to be treated! We all want someone we cant have all the more, it becomes obsessional!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Wow yes that exactly how i feel. Have sex, feel great afterwards, then he doesnt call,,,.... blah blah. Its what i am going through.. We dont hang around in the same circles and would never bump into each other. He would never know if i met anyone else. he would only know i am not contacting him. I just feel sad. Keep thinking i should have could have done things differently Keep going over it. But the details of our arrangement are so bad. I have never even been to his house.... the list goes on. Last couple of hours i have been feeling really angry and want to send a text message. I wont though. I dont think i have come off as obsessional to him, i simply asked him out to lunch or whatever and havent called him since. What can i say anyway
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 You are just starting on the road to ending it with him You have a long way to go! Seriously the only option you have is complete no contact! I rememeber I sent him this long drawn out email to say that I wont be seeing him again as my feeling were involved, blah blah blah he didnt even reply and THEN I called a week later to ask if he had got the mail! I hated myself for acting like I did BUT I have learned a huge lesson from it! I also asked him if he fancied going for a drink one night and he said he didnt have any moeny as he was saving for his holiday! Oh the shame!!!!!!!!! that is the point of life isnt it? Learn from your mistakes! You have learned that you are too good for casual sex! It will be hard for you babe but you can do it!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 You are just starting on the road to ending it with him You have a long way to go! Seriously the only option you have is complete no contact! I rememeber I sent him this long drawn out email to say that I wont be seeing him again as my feeling were involved, blah blah blah he didnt even reply and THEN I called a week later to ask if he had got the mail! I hated myself for acting like I did BUT I have learned a huge lesson from it! I also asked him if he fancied going for a drink one night and he said he didnt have any moeny as he was saving for his holiday! Oh the shame!!!!!!!!! that is the point of life isnt it? Learn from your mistakes! You have learned that you are too good for casual sex! It will be hard for you babe but you can do it! How long were u "with" this guy? yes i have been fantasising tonight about sending an amgry email, but yeah the same thing will happen, it will make things worse, becuase he would never reply. I just cannot believe he will not go out for a lousy meal with me after 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I was seeing him for a year - I would see him about twice a month, always instigated by me and after I had been out with the girls and was drunk! He wasnt to blame looking back, I was!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I have been seeing him for 3 months, usually once a week, occasionally twice. Usually i called him, probably because i never gave him a chance to call me. Na, its over after this, i cannot get over him refusing a meal. Its just awful. What sort of person is he
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 He sees a meal as what you do with a girlfriend and that is why he wont go there. You deserve so much more babe, and you will get it as soon as you let go of him!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 When i asked him out for this elusive "meal" he at first said "Yes" then after a bit more chatting he said "I dont know what I want" and then he said "No"..............
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Why have you not been to his place? Are you sure he is not married or with someone else?
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Yeah i know it sounds suss.I suppose it just worked out this way, he is divorced, there is no girlfriend, i have sussed that one out. He has 2 teenage kids, one had to recently move in with him because the ex wifes husband is some sort of drug addict. but yeah , the more i think about it, the more ridiculous the whole thing is. He has framed it this way so he doesnt get emotionally involved. And the more i think about it, the more i think his life is really sad. he is a workaholic, overacheiver, emotionally unavailable. One of those wankers that ae always going on about how "busy" they are. whoopy doo........
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Ok so you need to remember all the nagatives when you are feeling bad babe write them down so that you have solid evidence of why you are NOT going to call or text him! Fk him anyway, its HIS loss!
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 I suppose what makes me feel bad is the thought that he will not try and pursue me as a result of our conversaton yesterday. That he will just let me go.
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 still feel like crap. still wish he wanted me
Lishy Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 He does want you babe, just not in the way you want him to. Why should he spend time and date you when he can fk you anyway? You know you are doing the right thing hon xx
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Still feel like crap. Still wish he wanted me- well wanted more than my body anyway......ok im going to write a list of the bad points about the "relationship": 1. i dont know his home address (red flag) only the suburb 2. he leaves straight after sex 3. doesnt want to go out for a meal 4. doesnt ask me questions about myself really 5. is a bit of an ass (smarmy)on the phone- is only nice when he is about to get sex 6. is a bit full of his own importance 7. always craps on about how "busy' he is 8. i was always left feeling empty afterwards. there is no way he would be able to create a "bad" list like this about me.
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Yeah so is taking the "fk" away, ie doing NC going to make a shred of difference to his attitude? He does want you babe, just not in the way you want him to. Why should he spend time and date you when he can fk you anyway? You know you are doing the right thing hon xx
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Yeah I know,but no its not like that, there are too many things I know about his life that tell me he is not.
Author kimba Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 Its not specific things, just through conversation. He was married at 20, divorced at 29, wife has some sort of mental breakdown. Two kids 14 and 15, the wife remarried (to a pothead) the kids have been removed from the house because of the husband and one lives with him and the other with the ex wifes parents in another town. He is still cut up about the divorce, has had a couple of relationships since where he was "hurt". Whe i first met him he said he "Isnt ready for another relationship just yet" Just stuff about his lifestyle, its hard to explain, but I know it looks suss.
hotpinkrockstar Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 you don't want him to take you back. you think you do, but what you really need is someone who actually wants to be with you. Find someone who wants you as much as you want them, and no one will be disappointed. Besides, he is obviously an ass
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