MysticStar Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 (edited) I have a simple question, man or woman it doesn't matter. The question is this....Why did you cheat on your spouse or partner? Edited January 10, 2008 by MysticStar typo
cj1988 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I cheated on my first H ( married now to the man I cheated with ) for very stupid and immature reasons. 1) I was 28 and really full of myself, he was 37 and secure with himself 2) I was really h---- and he was past all that and could not keep up 3) I got bored and wanted more attention than he was able to provide 4) LAST, pure selfishness and I hate myself to this day for it and that was over 13 years ago. My EXH forgave me and blamed himself, how sad is that. He is and was a kind decent man. Now, to prove what goes around comes around is a fact, I am living proof. My H now had an EA and maybe PA, imagine that......my pay back in some way, but he was still wrong !
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Mostly objective validation, partly being addicted to the seduction/infatuation game.
LadyDi Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 The excitement, the "game" as the previous poster mentioned. The chase is better than the catch.
lost4ever Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Mine was for the excitement.....I guess, really still trying to figure out why, I know my H was giving everything I needed. So really I guess it had to be to get away from everyday life
cj1988 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Sorry Bish, I cheated 14 years ago, found out later, he knew and did not say anything. He thought that was what I needed because he could not take care of me as I needed. So, of course that made me feel even worse....BUT, that is WHY I would never do that again ! I learned from my mistakes and never through the man I left my H for would do it to me.....
amethyst3 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I cheated over some 10 years ago and on a guy I really loved. It wasn't planned and I had no intentions of it happeneing. BUt I met someone else and the attraction was undeniable. When he kissed me, I didn't stop him and it felt so daggone good, I never stopped it and let him continue. I just couldn't resist the temptation. It was too strong.
feelingtorn Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I cheated over some 10 years ago and on a guy I really loved. It wasn't planned and I had no intentions of it happeneing. BUt I met someone else and the attraction was undeniable. When he kissed me, I didn't stop him and it felt so daggone good, I never stopped it and let him continue. I just couldn't resist the temptation. It was too strong. that's how A started for me too; the first kiss. It felt so good, and I couldn't stop him. NC succesfully since last Dec. It's been three weeks, but it feels like it happened years ago. I don't miss him, and everyday, I kick myself for not seeing the obvious signs as to how manupulative OM was.
michaelk Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 My wife and I had been married for a very long time, nearly 20 years, and we had gotten to the state of being 'like roommates'. There was no intimacy, neither one of us really loved the other anymore - heck, we hardly spoke except to deal with day-to-day business. I didn't want to walk away because we have young kids, so I started looking for something on the side. And my self-esteem was rock-bottom at that point, so the ego stroke that came with finding an affair partner felt great. And of course there's a lot more to it than that, but you wanted to know the 'why' of it and that's it.
michaelk Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Sorry Bish, I cheated 14 years ago, found out later, he knew and did not say anything. He thought that was what I needed because he could not take care of me as I needed. So, of course that made me feel even worse....BUT, that is WHY I would never do that again ! I learned from my mistakes and never through the man I left my H for would do it to me..... Why are you apologizing? As someone who's been on both sides of cheating, you shouldn't worry yourself with the narrow judgements that are often passed on these boards. You know it's more than a matter of black-and-white.
Author MysticStar Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 To everyone.... When you are tempted to cheat, when that other person lets you know they are willing to have an affair. If they were willing to cheat on their partner, or let you cheat on yours and if you should be so "lucky" to marry them, then they will probably cheat on you too.
michaelk Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 What exactly is the point of this thread? To get posters to open up about their personal situations so others can take potshots at them?!? Get a life, why dontcha! I think the original question has merit. Hearing other people's experiences, and what led them to cheat, can have value for people who are considering cheating, or who have been cheated upon. The pot shots, on the other hand...
IamASelfishSOB Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Ego, vanity, and the desire for something better. Not very flattering, but pretty simple in my case.
hotpinkrockstar Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 My H now had an EA and maybe PA, imagine that...... What is EA and PA?
bish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 That's not the point I was making. Having cheated herself, she should understand that the black-and-white judgement implied by statements like 'I feel so duped... etc' doesn't do her justice, and that the only person she should have to apologize to is the one she hurt. Well the "i feel so duped" comment comes from the fact that I really don't like putting up for someone in a forum or agree with them in their dislike for people who cheat, when they themselves cheated.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 What is EA and PA? Emotional Affair, Physical Affair. OW = Other woman OW = Other man. BS = Betrayed spouse. WS/CS = Wandering spouse/Cheating spouse. DDay = Discovery Day (of the affair by BS) and NC = No Contact.
hotpinkrockstar Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Emotional Affair, Physical Affair. OW = Other woman OW = Other man. BS = Betrayed spouse. WS/CS = Wandering spouse/Cheating spouse. DDay = Discovery Day (of the affair by BS) and NC = No Contact. thankyou
NotMyselfNEmore Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Wow! And those are just the beginning of all the abbreviations used here! Phew!!! Thank you for the clarification!
cj1988 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Bish, I appreciate how you feel, but I do know both sides and I have not cheated again....it was very wrong and I hurt someone and KNEW I would never ever do it again.....I agree, why should I be surprised he would have cheated when it did not bother him to cheat with me. Yes, my H and I were not living in the same house when it turned physical, but I was still married. My first H moved out before I ever slept with my H now, but we were talking and flirting, having an EA.....so yes, he is capable of doing it again......but with his sister....that was the kicker....My H is really f----- up and does not think he is.....of course because he denies the whole mess....oh well....move on ! Michael, thanks for seeing I am human and made a mistake or made a bad choice BUT learned from it ang grew up over 14 years ago !
Woggle Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 At least cj1988 admits she was 100% wrong. What I can't stand is the other people saying that it was too strong and they had no control over it whatsoever. If a person has no control over their own actions there is something wrong with them or they are very weak.
cj1988 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Thanks Woggle, I was 100% wrong. Although my M was over before I even started talking to him, I should have waited. I consider myslef as a cheater becasue I had the EA before he left, not the PA, but they are both cheating and both harmful and destructive to a heart of another. That is why I say I KNOW, what goes around comes around, I am living proof. Also, from what I have learned from others, a revenge A is 100 likely after a S cheats.....so all you cheaters beware.....most hearts can forgive but not forget and in the end, they will lose something for you and be able to consider doing what broke their heart....sad but true ! They will justify the A by saying, "You did it to me, so we are even".....
bish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Bish, I appreciate how you feel, but I do know both sides and I have not cheated again....it was very wrong and I hurt someone and KNEW I would never ever do it again.....I agree, why should I be surprised he would have cheated when it did not bother him to cheat with me. Yes, my H and I were not living in the same house when it turned physical, but I was still married. My first H moved out before I ever slept with my H now, but we were talking and flirting, having an EA.....so yes, he is capable of doing it again Well...by saying he is capable of doing it again, then isn't that the same with you? If you haven't cheated again and are trying to turn a leaf, then I applaud you...but for you to say that HE is capable of it again....then does this apply to you as well?
michaelk Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Well the "i feel so duped" comment comes from the fact that I really don't like putting up for someone in a forum or agree with them in their dislike for people who cheat, when they themselves cheated. So you can't agree with or defend her dislike of cheating because she once cheated herself? Even though you hold the exact same opinion, her past infidelity makes hers worthless? That's nonsense. Either you agree with the idea that cheating is bad or you don't. It doesn't matter who's expressing that idea. Or are you saying that she should just shut up about her hurt because she deserves to be cheated upon? Perhaps you hold the Old Testament 'eye for an eye' view of the world. I'm sure there have been times in your life when you've been inconsiderate or hurtful to others. Does that mean that you just suck it up when someone else is hurtful to you? After all, you apparently 'deserve' it. The bottom line is that you don't know CJ. You're judging her based on a single hurtful act, without regard for what she may have done since then. You have no idea what kind of atonement, self-improvement, etc. she's gone through in the intervening years. I don't either. But I don't assume she's the same person she was back then. I listen to what she has to say and try to understand who she is now, right at this moment. And to me, she seems like a woman who's been poorly treated by her H, worked hard to rebuild her marriage, and has been put off by her him one time too many. I can sympathize with that, despite what may have happened before.
cj1988 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Thank you Michael, that was really sweet. Bish the reason I can say how bad cheating really is and hold to that is because I have experienced both sides. I have hurt and been hurt now......so, yes I can say I will never cheat again. When I said he would cheat again, I meant he did with me, why would I be surprised when he did it again......I am a good woman and have been true to him since day one, he cannot say that now.
marriedandsad Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 I cheated because I was honestly being weak and stupid, and I was drunk. I let the alcohol do the talking and I was being extremely selfish. That was almost 2 weeks ago, and I told my husband within a few days. There was no sex, just kissing. I ended it before it could get that far. CJ, I believe you are a very good person. I feel bad for Bish because they obviously have never been able to cope and get over when they themselves were cheated on. I'm not saying it's easy to, because it most certainly is not. I still think about when my exbf cheated on me. Totally played a part in how I trusted all my following boyfriends and even my husband. On my thread Bish pretty much stated I was tearing our son away from my husband to be heartless (which was sooo far from the truth, we had agreed on a custody agreement if we did indeed separate...him on his 2 days off and a weekend day). But we are now working on our problems and seeking MC and individual counseling and actually communicating. He even let me shave his face this morning That was a first time he's ever let me do that I used to look down on cheaters the same way Bish does, to me they were all worthless and dirt. THEN I wandered onto the other side of the fence and saw what can really drive an affair. And it's a heartbreaking situation. Some people are purely selfish and do it for the gratification that sex brings. Some people do it because they are so hurt emotionally, they seek consolation anywhere they can get it. In the end, nobody wins when it comes to affair.
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