girlfriend problem

[thedrew]

I recently, have just noticed that my girlfriend is a compulsive liar. She lies without thinking, to her parents my parents etc. which makes me wonder what she lies about to me, I trust her but sometimes I have doubts; I don't know if that is wrong of me or not. I have caught on to her lying to me about stupid small things, like if she's on the computer while talking to me (She knows I don't like it when she's on the computer while I am talking to her because she doesn't pay attention, so I said call me when your done then she said no I turned off the monitor and turned around when I heard her click the mouse and move it around, she appologized for doing it). We have been going out for almost 8 months, and she has like 5 friends. 4 of which are guys, 2 used to like her, and are currently dating other girls. Now I don't mind her having guy friends, but I am a guy and know what guys want and I know for a fact if I did like a girl I can easily like her again. I just graduated in 07 from high school but she still is in it. So really it's hard because I don't see as much as i'd like to. Like 2 days out of the week i'll see her. She gets weird texts her guy friends saying how they love her. We love each other but I don't think her friends mean it in the same way I love her if they are currently involved with someone else. This part confuses me a lot. She says she can't wait to get out of highschool and how she would always rather be with me over her friends and how sometimes she has told me she doesn't even like to be around her friends. I have only met 1 of her guy friends and sorta glanced at the other 2. Well she told me she's going to hang out with her friends this friday, it's going to be her, 2 guy friends, maybe another guy friend with his girlfriend, and 1 or 2 of her girl friends. I have invited her to hang out with me and my friends before. But yet she has never once invited me to hang out with her and her friends. Should I be offended? It's almost feels like she doesn't want me to meet her friends but isn't telling me that. And I don't want to say why don't you ever invite me because then she'll do it because I said so, which isn't at all spontaneous.

Edited January 9, 2008 by thedrew

[tanbark813]

But yet she has never once invited me to hang out with her and her friends. Should I be offended?

 

There is no "should". Are you? If you are, you are. I would consider it a big red flag though.

[oppath]

I have invited her to hang out with me and my friends before. But yet she has never once invited me to hang out with her and her friends. Should I be offended? It's almost feels like she doesn't want me to meet her friends but isn't telling me that. And I don't want to say why don't you ever invite me because then she'll do it because I said so, which isn't at all spontaneous.

 

In general, this isn't a big deal, but in specifics it is. You've been dating her 8 months. You said you've only met one of her guy friends and most of her friends are men. It doesn't mean she is cheating, but you are not integrated into her life, so I don't see how you can have a healthy relationship.

 

Once you agree to date exclusively, your gf should invite you into her life, including her friends. I always persist that every 3 times she is with her friends, I should be invited or feel free to invite myself. It strikes me as odd if I'm never invited, as if I am not a priority. Having your own friends is great, but in a healthy relationship, you know each other's friends and while they may not be your best friends, if it is to work out, they need to become your friends too. So yes, you should be offended, not because she has a night with friends without you, but because she has made no effort to integrate you into her life.

 

It should be no big deal to say "I'm not doing anything friday night. Can I hang out with you and your friends?" If she says no, ask "is there a reason why I've never met your friends?" You are not jealous or controlling asking that question. If she just wants her alone time with friends respond "I understand that, and it's good to have time with friends away from me, but you've met my friends. I want to meet the important people in your life." If she doesn't compromise on that, a simple want, or if she is annoyed, you have a serious relationship problem.

[Chrome Barracuda]

1. she's a compulsive liar.

2. she still wants to hang on to male friends who kiss her ass.

3. She immature about you hanging with her friends.

4. She's not wife material.

5. She hasnt had the best track record when building honesty with you being she's a compulsive liar.

 

I'd say dump her no before she breaks your heart.

 

It's gonna happen sooner or later.

 

This chick sounds trifling if you ask me!!!

[thedrew]

There is no "should". Are you? If you are, you are. I would consider it a big red flag though.

 

Yes, I am offended. But if I tell her that she won't even notice what she's doing on her own. I feel it's easy to tell someone there doing a mistake then they appologize and don't mean it. Instead I think it would be better for her to realize it on her own, that way she learns from her own mistake and not by me pointing out her mistake to her.

 

We went through a month where it was just fighting all through the month. Then one time when I pointed out that she was making me mad, she started busting up crying her eyes out saying on how she doesn't even want to think of how it would be without me in her life. Then I said what are you trying to say? Then she repeated it crying even more, and saying on how I'm never happy and how she doesn't make me happy. That night was horrible I rubbed her back and said that, that's not true she makes me happy. And how every relationship has it's bumps and we've just been hitting lots of bumps of the last month. I tried to sit and just hold my anger back but I can't do it. I just want to not have these fights and just have her realize her mistakes without playing victim and imposing that I'm never happy with her. When it's not her, it's her actions and her impuslive lying and not taking the blame for her problems and saying a sincere sorry. Keep in mind she is younger then me 1 year and 10 months apart.

 

I don't want to tell her this because if I do then she'll say she's sorry or say she'll change but it's not from the heart it's just saying it and not really being sincere.

 

When I make problems I say I am sorry and get on changing to make it work for her but it back fires on me as the one trying so damn hard and am not getting the same back.

[oppath]

It might lead to a breakup, but you've always got to be willing to walk away. I did ask my last gf "is there a reason I haven't met your friends yet? You've met mine; we've been dating 6 months and I'd like to meet the important people in your life." "Umm, well, I only see them once a month or so." The real answer was "they are best friends with my ex, and it would be too awkward for me, because then my ex would find out about you and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings." And since she was seeing her ex behind my back, obviously, that would be a problem. So you see, not meeting friends = BIG RED FLAG. If someone is serious about you and has nothing to hide, they will want to show you off to their friends and say "look at what I got!!!"

 

I am not saying she is cheating. But in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, your gf will integrate you into her social circle as soon as you become bf/gf. The only justifiable exception to this, in my opinion, is during a divorce when custody of kids is still undecided. But if that is the case, you should date with caution anyways.

[thedrew]

It might lead to a breakup, but you've always got to be willing to walk away. I did ask my last gf "is there a reason I haven't met your friends yet? You've met mine; we've been dating 6 months and I'd like to meet the important people in your life." "Umm, well, I only see them once a month or so." The real answer was "they are best friends with my ex, and it would be too awkward for me, because then my ex would find out about you and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings." And since she was seeing her ex behind my back, obviously, that would be a problem. So you see, not meeting friends = BIG RED FLAG. If someone is serious about you and has nothing to hide, they will want to show you off to their friends and say "look at what I got!!!"

 

I am not saying she is cheating. But in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, your gf will integrate you into her social circle as soon as you become bf/gf. The only justifiable exception to this, in my opinion, is during a divorce when custody of kids is still undecided. But if that is the case, you should date with caution anyways.

 

I completely agree with you, you are right. We both have considered breaking up with each other more then once. Which I find extremely like depressing to know that she felt that way about me. She almost did break up with me because she was jealous that I was with my friends but not her. She hardly ever sees her friends too just at school I think this is there first get together since summer. There's also little things to that I notice like she has met everyone that I am close to even my out of town family. But during that entire time she did not stay with me. If I was in a out of town place meeting her family for over a week I would definitely stay by her side because I would feel more safe and not out of place.

[tanbark813]

Yes, I am offended. But if I tell her that she won't even notice what she's doing on her own. I feel it's easy to tell someone there doing a mistake then they appologize and don't mean it. Instead I think it would be better for her to realize it on her own, that way she learns from her own mistake and not by me pointing out her mistake to her.

 

Well you're young so I can see where you're coming from but let me save you some time, bro. The strategy above never works. If something is bothering you then bring it up so you two can discuss it. She's not a mind-reader.

 

I don't want to tell her this because if I do then she'll say she's sorry or say she'll change but it's not from the heart it's just saying it and not really being sincere.

 

Maybe, maybe not. You'll see whether it's sincere or not in her actions. If you bring it up and she understands your objection and starts inviting you along then it's probably from the heart. If you bring it up and she throws a fit or says she'll start inviting you but never follows through then obviously it wasn't from the heart. When a person is genuine their actions match their words.

[thedrew]

Well you're young so I can see where you're coming from but let me save you some time, bro. The strategy above never works. If something is bothering you then bring it up so you two can discuss it. She's not a mind-reader.

 

 

 

Maybe, maybe not. You'll see whether it's sincere or not in her actions. If you bring it up and she understands your objection and starts inviting you along then it's probably from the heart. If you bring it up and she throws a fit or says she'll start inviting you but never follows through then obviously it wasn't from the heart. When a person is genuine their actions match their words.

 

Yeah I am going to talk to her about it tonight, tell her I find it offensive for her out of the nearly 8 months we have been going out not to introduce me to any of her friends. And the reason I seem jealous or anti-gullable is because I have seen how she lies not just to me but to my parents and hers. She usually lies to avoid awkwardness or discomfort by dissatisfaction of people who effect her life. For example my mom bought a movie and I took it upstairs because she's never seen it. We came downstairs and she told them we watched it to avoid feelings of discomfort or awkwardness. I think you can tell a lot about a person on how they are to people who they care about, whether talking bad about your best friends to your boyfriend or just lying about seeing a movie.

 

Actually I think she would be extremely mad that I came to these forums to ask for help in my relationship. But I am not going to tell her, as much as I don't like to lie to her or hide things from her. It's just something that doesn't need to be discussed.

 

But when I tell her that she'll say okay i'll invite you with my friends, but given the fact that they are ice-skating I don't want to meet all her friends at once at something I'm going to make myself look retarted at.

Edited January 10, 2008 by thedrew

[thedrew]

I am telling her this.

 

I always type up things like this because I have a horrible memory.

 

When I was missing you I thought of all the things we've done together. And how I am so proud of you and don't give a **** what anybody thinks or says, and how i've literally let you meet my best friends even invited you to come to situations I know you didn't want to be in to make you feel like you were in the golden possesion of mine of to not keep you in the dark and make you feel un-needed or unwanted. Then I thought of how we fought so much over that time, and how I tried to just let things slide. But up until the last week i've noticed there's a lot of things you can tell about a person on how they treat the ones closest to them. You talked so much **** on randy, devon, and other people who you seem to be close to. I've also noticed you lie compulsively (without thinking) to avoid discomfort, making people mad, and awkwardness. Then I understood deep down why I have had jealousy issues, and lack of trust. You literally have met about every single person who am close to. Even out of town family! But you have never once spawned the idea of inviting your friends with us to the movies, or anything at all. In the back of my mind this was been causing issues. You lied compulsively before we started going out, and you still do today. I trust you, and try to be trusting but if I lied to your parents for no reason, didn't ever once think of inviting you or introducing you to my friends, and if I talked **** on everyone I care about. Don't you think you could somehow think I could be doing the same to you? And I didn't say anything but I know for a living fact if I was with you out of town with your family. I would stand by your side as your boyfriend and not just leave you. When we were making the gingerbread houses, you up and left me and didn't show any slight sign of wanting to make communication or needyness of being with me. Remember I love you, and you make me happy, it kills me not to be with you, but somethings are red flags to do to the one you love. Now these are my thoughts spilled onto paper. Analogy: This is one of those times where you give me a massage and I get up and walk away and carry on without even a saying a thanks. I've only stated a sentence to randy. And that's as much as I know your friends. The person I know the most is sam and that's what seeing her 3 times?

 

My own personal problems that were causing problems in our relationship I am taking care of as much as possible: Here is one example of a thing I need to stop doing:

 

"I feel it's easy to tell someone there doing a mistake then they appologize and don't mean it. Instead I thought it would be better for you to realize it on your own, that way you learned from your own mistakes and not by me pointing out your mistake to you."

 

That will never work because you are not a mind reader.

 

I don't know if I should point out my problems because she'll play victim and then jump on my problems in return.

[oppath]

You don't need to tell her you went to a forum for advice anymore than you would need to tell her "I was talking to my friends." Not everyone goes on forums, but everyone talks to friends, family, etc about their relationship problems. The only time talking to someone else is the issue is if you talk to that source more than your gf and if you don't immediately address the problem. If you were on LS for a month talking about this, that would be an issue.

 

But as it is, you've got some advice, and you made your own decision about it. You don't need to bring up this forum. You had every right to come here just as you would to ask a friend, "can I get your opinion on this?"

 

UPDATE: DUDE, if you tell her all that, it is too much. Bring up the friends thing only, and then see how her actions change. Then, make it a pattern of calling her out when she lies about little things. Don't get pissed, just mention "you don't need to lie about something like that." And watch if her actions change. But if you lay all that on her, you are asking for a big blowup.

[thedrew]

UPDATE: DUDE, if you tell her all that, it is too much. Bring up the friends thing only, and then see how her actions change. Then, make it a pattern of calling her out when she lies about little things. Don't get pissed, just mention "you don't need to lie about something like that." And watch if her actions change. But if you lay all that on her, you are asking for a big blowup.

 

 

Well I don't like to keep stuff out of the picture when theres a problem because if I do that I dwell on them and it makes me feel like I always have a problem on my mind. And if I point out lies and say you don't need to do that it'll just come off as just some stupid opinion that she doesn't hear and doesn't apply. Edit: Actually I'm going to kinda cut back on the first sentence that's just an ice breaker.

[oppath]

Well I don't like to keep stuff out of the picture when theres a problem because if I do that I dwell on them and it makes me feel like I always have a problem on my mind..

 

The problem is you did keep it out of the picture and you don't bring those things up right away. If she is insulting your friend or whoever somehow, immediately say "Could you not insult him. He's a good guy, and my friend, so please, lay off." If she lies say "don't lie." Do it on the spot.

 

The reason this is an issue now is because you have kept these problems inside.

[thedrew]

I rewrote it to try and be less attacking towards her.

 

Today I thought of all the things we've done together. And how I am so proud of you and don't give a **** what anybody thinks or says, and how i've literally let you meet my best friends even invited you to come to situations I know you didn't want to be in to make you feel like you were in the golden possesion of mine of to not keep you in the dark and make you feel un-needed or unwanted. Then I thought of how we fought so much over that time, and how I tried to just let things slide. But up until the last week i've noticed there's a lot of things you can tell about a person on how they treat the ones closest to them.

 

* You talked so much **** on randy, devon, and other people who you seem to be close to. I've also noticed you lie compulsively (without thinking) to avoid discomfort, making people mad, and awkwardness.

 

Result: Then I understood deep down why I have had jealousy issues, and lack of trust.

 

* You literally have met about every single person who I am close to. Even out of town family! But you have never once spawned the idea of inviting your friends with us to the movies or even both your friends and my friends all just coming together to chill at the movies or doing a activity, or anything at all. In the back of my mind this was causing issues. You lied compulsively before we started going out, and you still do today.

 

Result: I trust you, and try to be trusting but if I lied to your parents for no reason, didn't ever once think of inviting you or introducing you to my friends, and if I talked bad on everyone I care about. Don't you think you could somehow think I could be doing the same to you?

 

* I haven't say anything but I know for a living fact if I was with you out of town with your family. I would stand by your side as your boyfriend not as luggage. When we were making the gingerbread houses, you up and left me and didn't show any slight sign of wanting to make communication or needyness of being with me.

 

Result**: Remember I love you, and you make me happy, but somethings are red flags to do to the one you love. Now these are my thoughts spilled onto paper.

 

Here's an analogy to sorta place you in the same mind as me: This is one of those times where you give me a massage and I get up and walk away and carry on without even a saying a thanks.

 

I've only stated a sentence to randy. And that's as much as I know your friends. The person I know the most is Sam and that's what seeing her 3 times? So that's the roots of a tree I should have brought up when they arose. But until recently I just realized I just let these slide when I should have spoke my mind. So don't take this as a hate note or a all about you thing. This is just things that I should have said along time ago so they wouldn't be problems. So the root of me being mad at you is me, not telling you and keeping these things inside so I am truly sorry for that.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Drew,

 

You know what needs to be done, so get started.

 

Whatever happens dont say we didnt warn you.

[oppath]

 

* You talked so much **** on randy, devon, and other people who you seem to be close to. I've also noticed you lie compulsively (without thinking) to avoid discomfort, making people mad, and awkwardness.

 

Result: Then I understood deep down why I have had jealousy issues, and lack of trust.

 

No. Say "I feel upset when you've talked **** about these people you seem close too. I feel bad when it happens, and it hurts me, because sometimes I feel you lie to avoid discomfort rather than work through problems. I want to trust that you won't do that with me."

 

Notice the difference? Your letter is still You do this, you do that, you don't do this. Make it "I feel X when you behave Y. When you behave A, I feel B."

[thedrew]

I understand and agree with your actions. Yeah, just stating facts, and not how it effects me? I rewrote it like this.

 

* You have talked **** about randy, devon, and some of your old best friends. I've also noticed you lie compulsively to the people your closest to including me (without thinking) to avoid discomfort, making people mad, and awkwardness.

 

Result: Then I understood deep down why I have had jealousy issues, and lack of trust. Because I feel confused and hurt because if you can say or do these things to people you have loved and known your entire life what would stop you from being this way towards me when I am not around and around me.

[thedrew]

I told her it, she started crying. Then she kept saying she didn't wanna talk about it. Then she said, that she doesn't even like to be with her friends. Then I started talking to her about how can she not have friends, and that would make me horrible to not have friends. Then a personal problem arose from about 3 months ago. One of her best guy friends grandpa died and he owed her money, and he was all mopey and depressed about it and she told him to stop crying and grow up and to pay her. I think she would be happier which would make us have a happier relationship, if she gets all these feelings out about her friends. When she did this all of her best friends turned against her and ignored her. She was crying for about 30-40 minutes straight. And was blaming me for making her feel unhappy by bringing the subject up. I kept telling her everythings gonna be okay, and they just kept saying that she feels depressed and like a horrible person. I told her that she can't hold these feelings back about her friends. It's not healthy.

 

After she talked with her friend appologizing, she called me and said she thinks we should not talk about our problems. Then I said that, that's not healthy and then she said that we always fight and how she does everything wrong. I hope she'll realize that I'm helping her and that'll make her happy. I just don't know what to do. Am I doing something wrong? I told her we fight to make us stronger. I told her if it made her happy to be with her friends 24/7 never seeing me that I would do it just to make her happy. She was shocked, she sorta said out loud, never seeing me? She also said if I would've never brought up her friend issues and just minded my business she wouldn't feel so depressed. I am just ignoring her trying to blame me for her problems because I think she'll come to realize tommorow that I am helping her. She also was texting me cuz she didn't wanna talk that she is a terrible person and that she doesn't deserve me.

 

My dad is a psychologist and he's taught me some good lessons, has really helped me help people from best friends to my girlfriend.