Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Me and my girlfriend we've been going out for a month now. She broke up with her x-boyfriend a month ago. And soon after the two of us got drunk and ended up in bed together. Nothing happened that night, after I started kissing her, she stopped after bout 5 minutes and asked me to leave the room. And she started throwing out after all the drinking. So I left. Woke up next morning realizing it wasn't just a nightmare. Went to see her to her room and she was cool, invited me in got dressed and we went off for breakfast.. Later that day when we started talking about it she said that she had no regrets what so ever, about what happened last night (or what could've happened) and that she had liked me for sometime and I told her that I like her too. (I have had for a long time) So from there it kicked off.. She said things were over with her boyfriend.(they've been going out for 4 years!) But before this she had being going out with this guy at work, from the same department.. When I asked her, she said since she's been with her boyfriend for four years, she wanted to see if she could be with another guy.. Apparently this guy sorta told her he doesn't want to continue the relationship anymore as it's not working out.. So she said she just used him but didn't have any feelings for him and it didn't go as far as even a kiss. and that she has feelings for me and wants this to work. I managed to get this guy out for a drink and asked him bout her. He said some really nasty stuff, like her being all over him and asking him to stop seeing other women. but when asked if they had sex he said no. Even showed me some nasty emails she sent him, asking him to dump his current girlfriend and she will be waiting for him till he does.. (this guy also seem quite jealous bout us hanging around together) I went and asked bout this (was cool) her and she said some em were true.. But some were lies.. So we talked about it and since its in the past I said I'll let it go.. But it still bothers me a bit. and she still talks bad stuff about him as I think she's mad about him sorta dumping her.. Here's the thing though, She and her boyfriend still lives together..Since they share the rent she says she cant move out. They have lots of arguments and she gets hurt every time. Its a one bedroom flat and she says the guy sleeps in the couch and she sleeps in the bedroom. Last Sunday she was supposed to come over to mine and the x questioned her where she was going and got in to argument once again. (I'm not sure if she was just making an excuse not to come over) She said they talked about it and both decided its time to move on and now they're cool. But even so they still IM each other on MSN, like every hour..She helps him out with stuff and he helps her with stuff. He makes her breakfast every morning and she does his ironing. Two weeks ago she said she love me, when I asked her yesterday she said, don't ask me that question..and said its not a no but its not a yes either. Was very confused but didn't wanna get moody! Today at work she was chatting with him on msn again..then he even came to pick her up from work. So I asked her whats going on with them two, she said they're just friends and she wouldn't get back together with him cos although she's forgiven him for hurting her she hasn't forgotten and now that she's with me she's happy.. She said that, kissed me good night, got on his car and went home to cook him dinner.. So how is she treating me?.. She says she likes me a lot and cares about me.. and wants this to work but wants to take it slowly and that she needs space.. We slept together once and hung around about twice.. and see each other everyday at work and since she doesn't want anyone else at work to know just yet..we only get to talk during lunch.. She says she likes me and cares about me a lot and doesn't want to get hurt again so doesn't want to get addicted to me.. But the truth is I love her a lot and she knows this. Its the most complicated rel I've had and I am very very confused. So here comes the questions.. Does she really like me, or is she using me to get over him like she did with the earlier guy? Is she telling the truth about the earlier guy (who she said played around wid)? cos some of the things she told me initially turned out to be lies.. Is she emabarrased about going out wid the other guy (who she said played around wid)? Has she really broken up with the x? Will she get back wid him? If they've broken up why are they soo close? What should I do? arrghh! very confused any comments welcome.. Thanks everyone :confused:
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Oh gosh, talk about a trainwreck. I'm sorry, but she is using you. My guess is that things were never over with her boyfriend of four years, and it doesn't sound like are now. She may be using you to make herself feel better, and she needs constant male attention. Her boyfriend of four years doesn't work with her, so she's flirting with and dating guys that do. It appears she has no intentions whatsoever of leaving the four year boyfriend though. You should get out of this before you really get hurt.
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks for the reply.. I afraid its a bit too late now.. I'm addicted to her.. I've asked her this exact question..If she's using me.. She got really upset and told me that she cares about me a lot and will not hurt me ever... I don't know what to believe.. Gets me depressed every single day! I want her! I want her badly! I feel, from the way she acts when she's round wid me, that she does love me! or am i in denial?!?
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 and what I also don't understand is why she tells me everything she does with her boyfriend? She doesn't hide anything...
StartingOver07 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 She sounds young and messed up. This will not end well for you. You may think you are addicted now, but, from the sound of it, you are addicted to the drama of the situation, not her. In any case, regardless which you are addicted to, I think the odds that she will calm down and commit to you exclusively are practically nil. She "broke up" with her bf 1 month ago. In that time, she has managed to pursue and be dumped by a guy at work and also become gf-bf with you. Oh yes, and she still lives with her ex. There is no possible way for this to end as anything other than a giant mess with loads of hurt feelings. p.s. Pay less attention to what she says and more attention to what she does.
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 This is confusing. She's only been broken up with her ex of 4 years for 1 month. And there was another guy in that month. And now you? If you want a relationship, don't date a girl who still lives with her ex of 4 years. Also, there is just so much drama here already. It doesn't matter if he or she said lies, regarding this other guy. How is something like that even an issue in the first place? It's just...weird. And you...it's only been a month. Addicted? It sounds like you have some attachment problems. This entire situation sounds unhealthy. I also think it is wise, if you date someone one month out of a multiyear relationship, to date for several months before agreeing to be bf/gf unless she doesn't talk to the ex at all. Make sure it is OVER OVER, in all ways, before committing.
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 And you...it's only been a month. Addicted? It sounds like you have some attachment problems. This entire situation sounds unhealthy. I've only dated her for a month..But have liked her for more than 6 months.. Didn't want to make a move cos she was already in a relationship. I also think it is wise, if you date someone one month out of a multiyear relationship, to date for several months before agreeing to be bf/gf unless she doesn't talk to the ex at all. Make sure it is OVER OVER, in all ways, before committing. Very good suggestion. I will think about this. :confused:
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I would tell her "I don't feel you are ready for another committed relationship. I want to keep dating you, but want to keep it casual until all this drama ends. In fact, I won't be able to commit to you until you move out. Living with your ex? I want a relationship where I can go to my gf's house and there be no drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him for me to go there. I don't think you are ready and I don't want to get hurt."
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thinking bout it it suddenly occurred to me could this be the case: She was using the earlier guy to get over her boyfriend and when he dumped her..she had to find someone else..I seemed to be the most vulnerable.. Now she would do anything to keep me wid her till she sorts things out with her x-boyfriend.
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I would tell her "I don't feel you are ready for another committed relationship. I want to keep dating you, but want to keep it casual until all this drama ends. In fact, I won't be able to commit to you until you move out. Living with your ex? I want a relationship where I can go to my gf's house and there be no drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him for me to go there. I don't think you are ready and I don't want to get hurt." Thanks Oppath thats very helpful... Not a single person said I should trust her..and that she's not using me..Although thats what I sorta wanted to hear... Oh well..Gonna drink myself to sleep! :confused:
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Listen, this relationship could work out. Most relationships do not. And right out of a multiyear relationship, it is even LESS likely. You have to be cautious. There is already drama. Just stop to think: is a relationship with a woman who broke up with her 4 year boyfriend one month ago, and she still lives with him, likely to be a healthy relationship? Of course not. Don't commit until you believe she is ready and that you can have a healthy, drama free relationship.
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Listen, this relationship could work out. Most relationships do not. And right out of a multiyear relationship, it is even LESS likely. You have to be cautious. There is already drama. Just stop to think: is a relationship with a woman who broke up with her 4 year boyfriend one month ago, and she still lives with him, likely to be a healthy relationship? Of course not. Don't commit until you believe she is ready and that you can have a healthy, drama free relationship. I did think of it.. and did ask her directly..Asked her if she still has feelings for him and she said no..she said she doesn't, she said they talked and he still has feelings for her.. She had forgiven him for hurting her over the years but haven't forgotten and thus doesn't have any feelings what so ever! She lives in a one bedroom flat... She tells me he sleeps on the sofa! but the sofa isn't the type you would sleep in 5 days a week!
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Not a single person said I should trust her..and that she's not using me..Although thats what I sorta wanted to hear... Oh well..Gonna drink myself to sleep! :confused: Everything you've said is showing you know enough to not trust her. You recognize the signs that she is not being honest with you. And you obviously realize she is playing games. You sought out the other guy that you worked with and asked him about it all. You shouldn't have to do things like that to be with someone. Liking her for 6 months doesn't mean you HAVE to be with her. 6 months isn't even all that long. You should focus on other things with yourself. If you have to date someone to help you get over this/boost your self esteem, then casually date some women. Don't rush into a bf/gf thing. It hurts now, I'm sure. I'm sure it hurts a lot. But you'll just have constant heartache if you don't nip this in the bud now. And as you prolong things, it just adds to the pain you'll feel when it ends.
Author Ratz Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 thanks..all of you...i seriously thought she liked me..she made me feel that way..she made me feel special..like no girl has done before..now I realse its all fake! Its a bit hard to take! But don't understand why she did this o me..I've helped her through alot..I helped her settle in when she first came in..and helped her in her work..Arrgh! can't bliv she did this to ME!
SeraBella Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 thanks..all of you...i seriously thought she liked me..she made me feel that way..she made me feel special..like no girl has done before..now I realse its all fake! Its a bit hard to take! But don't understand why she did this o me..I've helped her through alot..I helped her settle in when she first came in..and helped her in her work..Arrgh! can't bliv she did this to ME! It's not that she doesn't like you. I'm sure she does. I'm sure she loves the attention and feels good when she's with you. And she probably does care for you as well. It's just she's got a lot of other things going on in her life. People don't always intentionally use other people. But it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, it will always hurt.
Recommended Posts