bish Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 The reason I didn't want to have sex last night was A)I had taken a good dose of sleeping pills so I was in no condition for that and he knew it. B) Everytime I touch him or give him a kiss on the cheek, he acts like everything is hunky dory and that there is no problem. boy I don't get you at all. First you complain about him getting angry and making comments....now you are saying you don't want to have sex with him because he makes an effort to try to forget about it? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! But he kept pushing for it over and over and over until I finally demanded he leave me alone. Why should I have to put out to make him feel better? How does that work? Apparantly you've never been cheated on. This is what he is thinking. You wanted his friend...you "LIKED IT!". Your H knows this. So by trying to get you to have sex, he is trying to find out if you still love him or have an attraction for him. Forget the fact that you took sleeping pills...this is about what is going on inside his head. You do NOT have to "put out" to make him feel better....but then again, it doesn't look like you want to do much at all to make him feel better....not even some kind words when he is obviously hurting when he lashes out. You're actions speak louder than words...because even when you aren't on sleeping pills, you don't want to do what is necessary to make it up to him...you show ABSOLUTELY NO REMORSE if all you do is stare at him when he gets angry. So why don't you just file for divorce already? As for being a wonderful loving husband....if you could only be a fly on the wall in our home. Our neighbors have come knocking on our apartment door wanting to know if everything was alright because all they could hear was him screaming at me. If I leave a dirty dish on the counter, he comes in, and demands to know why I didn't wash it or at least put it in the sink, and then goes on and on about how he has to do everything it seems. Nothing I do is done without some sort of criticism. Our own parents have pointed this out and his mother told him he needs to back off a little bit when it comes to that. It seems that whatever I do, he can do better, and is sure to point that out to me. Well if he is the ahole you make him out to be, then just justify what you did and get a divorce.
bish Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I guess I really am completely at fault for all this. And you're right. It doesn't matter how I feel. I need to keep my family together no matter what. No, you don't. Because you painted him to be an abusive jerk, and you are a cheater. No, you do NOT need this kind of family for you're son.
MysticStar Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Hi marriedandsad, I'm sorry about your situation, it has to be very difficult. You asked when your husband should stop throwing digs at you for kissing your friend. The moment he said he forgives you he should drop it, and never throw it in your face again. If he doesn't want to forgive you, then he can hassle you about it until he destroys his marriage and his family. I'm glad you're both going to counseling. But if you're ever going to move forwrd you both have to forgive each other and put the past behind you. Good luck Mystic
bish Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Hi marriedandsad, I'm sorry about your situation, it has to be very difficult. You asked when your husband should stop throwing digs at you for kissing your friend. The moment he said he forgives you he should drop it, and never throw it in your face again. If he doesn't want to forgive you, then he can hassle you about it until he destroys his marriage and his family. So he is just suppose to bite his lip and bottle it up? He was betrayed, but too bad, so sad...he should just get over it eh? And it might be a different story if she acted like she gave a crap about him. He is getting the signals from her that she doesn't want him...she is showing no remorse...not a comforting word when he gets angry. He gets angry because he is hurting...and instead of getting some sort of sign of remorse or signs that she cares...he gets a blank stare and the cold shoulder. I think this marriage is doomed and they should just divorce. She obviously painted him to be a jerk and he can't trust her.
Author marriedandsad Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Bish, you have nothing constructive to say without practically spitting in my face. And yes I have been cheated on, only it was with my best friend and I caught them red handed in my home in my bed. I KNOW how it feels. He even gave me an STD.....like I said...I KNOW how it feels. As for everyone else, an update. My husband confronted our friend and we all had a long long long long long long talk. I am not going to move out, it isn't going to solve anything. We are trying to work stuff out. I have Bipolar type 1, so my moods can be pretty sketchy to begin with. I started back on anti-depressants and so far so good. I have shown exceptional remorse. I have done nothing but cry for the past week over this whole issue. My husband pointed out that part of my problem is that I have never been in a decent relationship....ever. Either I was cheated on or hit. So my trust levels are already pretty low. He did take part of the blame because so far whenever a crisis has arose in our home/lives, he's bailed on me and left me to deal with it. And I basically came to a crossroads and just snapped. This time, he stood up and took the bull by the horns. Last night all I did was cry, for hours. I just couldn't be in the same room with both of them because it made me ill. I have had nothing but self-loathing ever since it happened. I couldn't even look in the mirror without wanting to vomit. My blood pressure was so high that our physician put me on a reduced sodium diet to see if that brings it down. I have completely cut my mother out of the equation. She was basically rooting for a divorce because she HATES my husband. She's heard him call me a B**ch while on the phone with me and what not, so her opinion is already made. She keeps calling me and I refuse to answer because the last time I did she was telling me she tried to tell me to not get married and that I made a huge mistake being with my husband...you get the general idea. So I'm done. I can't make this work when I have bees buzzing in my ears. I think what I liked about the kiss was the fact it was new and forbidden. It brought some sort of excitement to my life that has been completely lacking. Our wedding was HORRIBLE, and I let that overshadow everything. It was supposed to be one of the most important days of my life, and I felt like it would reflect on how my marriage would go. And it was awful. So we decided that we are going to have a whole new wedding after we figure everything out, white dress and all (I didn't get a wedding gown....long story...but basically my mother guilt tripped me into a $15 off the clearance rack....), because we didn't have that the first time. It's going to be a brand new start to everything for us. We can't forget what has happened to us so far...it's all happened for a reason. I can't forget my baby, and he can't forget that kiss....but we can remember and learn from them. I need to learn to just let go....I can't let that horrible day ruin the rest of my life because I can't just let it go. We have a beautiful little boy now, who is the both the sun and the greatest challenge in our lives. We can't have more children due to issues with my body. Plus we owe it to ourselves to be there....for each other. No matter how angry we get, we need to talk...and that's where we break down. We end up yelling instead. Yelling doesn't accomplish anything.
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I hope for your child's sake, both you and your husband get to counselling and learn how to respect one another, learn to communicate, listen and compromise, to love eachother and be supportive and understanding of one another. As long as the desire is there to work hard, to make the marriage BE what it should be, then you two will go a long ways and have a good life. The MC will help you change your past behaviours and replace them with better skills. The BP needs to get under control too, so definately stick to the meds and maybe some individual counselling to help you with your own issues, from the past, growing up and other experiences that has led you to where you are now.
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