mental_traveller Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 (edited) Choose option 3: you had broken up, and had no idea you'd be back together again, therefore you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. She should deal with it, and stop trying to emotionally manipulate you by making you feel guilty. If she doesn't like it, she can take a walk. If that sounds cold, take a good look at yourself and your relationship. You admit she was controlling from the start. Well suprise, surprise, she is being controlling again. You should never have apologized, that was a bad mistake. If you give in on this, she'll have your balls in a jar for the rest of the relationship. Edited January 12, 2008 by mental_traveller
Sal Paradise Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 Choose option 3: you had broken up, and had no idea you'd be back together again, therefore you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. She should deal with it, and stop trying to emotionally manipulate you by making you feel guilty. If she doesn't like it, she can take a walk. If that sounds cold, take a good look at yourself and your relationship. You admit she was controlling from the start. Well suprise, surprise, she is being controlling again. You should never have apologized, that was a bad mistake. If you give in on this, she'll have your balls in a jar for the rest of the relationship. Bingo! The mistake you made was getting back with her at all. She is emotionally manipulating you. Deep down she knows that you didn't cheat. She is using this as a way to test you. If she can get you to yield on this and admit to something you both know you're not guilty of for the sake of the relationship then she will see that as victory. A way to put her stamp on something she thinks should have never happened. If you do this you may as well castrate yourself. This girl is way too immature to be in an adult relationship. She is playing games with you and trying to control you. You said yourself that you broke up with her because she was controlling, well if trying to get you to admit to doing something you didn't do isn't controlling I don't know what is. Not only does she want to control what you do when you're with her. She wants to control how you two as a couple perceive events that happened when you weren't together. Her ego can't handle that you were able to move on so she wants to turn this into a crime you committed against her. I think it's time to cut your losses and move on before she ruins your life with her insanity.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Well, it's been a rollercoaster ride in the last several months. We've had some really good times, no doubt about it. We've also had some downright *****ty times, like this past weekend. I'm not even sure where to begin. This may sound weird or silly, but bear with me. Our two-month breakup, during which I slept with somebody else, happened in the fall of 2006. We got back together. During the summer of 2007 -- before we moved in together -- I remember we had an argument about my dating life before she and I met. In the two and a half years prior to our meeting, I'd dated a number of women. Some, I'd slept with. Of those, most lasted 1-3 months. The majority were ended by the woman, rather than me. I did the one-night stand thing a couple of times, but it's really not my thing. I'm not the kind of guy who particularly wants to go to a bar and pickup and sleep with a new woman every night. My dating experiences almost always started from the perspective that I considered somebody to be possible relationship material. Of those couple whom I slept with and then ended it myself, I accept and acknowledge that I may have hurt them, and I do regret this. Anyway, GF and I had an argument about this last summer. The same topic has come up a couple of times since we moved in together in October. And this weekend, it came up again. When it's come up, her assessment has tended to be that I've "used" all these women for my own selfish purposes, not giving a damn whether or not they got hurt in the process. I believe that women do not automatically get hurt emotionally every time they have sex with somebody they're not in a committed relationship with. GF believes they DO get hurt in those situations. This came up on Saturday morning, with her putting it to me in a way that made me feel as though she wanted me to "apologize" to her for having "used" these past women. I wasn't prepared to do that; I took the position that the past (pre-her and me) is the past, that she had a past as well, and that neither of us owe the other an explanation or an apology for that. She feels that it IS relevant to us, because it seems that it's what I did to her in the fall of 2006. This degenerated into a fight on Sunday morning, in which she left the house with her two kids (mine are with their mother) and told me she didn't feel our views were compatible on this, and that it wasn't the attitude she wanted to be imparted to the kids. We spoke by phone an hour or so later and we were on the breakup path (talking about moving out, etc.). We stayed apart for the rest of the day. Around 6 pm, she called and we talked more. Her views had, from my perspective, "softened" somewhat and she just wanted acknowledgment of her feelings, that she didn't want to break up because she really loves me. I went back. And I've been apprehensive and down ever since. When we talked more last night and this morning, she phrased it more that she just wanted me to acknowledge that such behaviour is hurtful, and that it's that kind of behaviour that she feels I dealt out to her, which is why this keeps becoming an issue. Back then, in 2006, I ended it because I wasn't ready... oh hell, I've talked about that part previously in this post. Please check those posts above. Here'sthe knot... I'm exhausted and frustrated. I don't know what to do. In a lot of ways, being alone, away from all this upheaval and breakup-makeup stuff, is an appealing option for me right now. I do love her. But I know I don't want this ongoing cycle to be my life, regardless of whether or not I'm the cause of the problems. It may simply be that, even though I love her, we can't be a couple, because of my actions and their effect on her. I have no desire to date other people -- I feel as though, if we do break up, I just want to withdraw from that whole scene for six months to a year, focus on my work, my kids, my friends who I've neglected for too long, paying off debt, and just being my own person. Thanks to all those who've read all this stuff...
tanbark813 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 As for "using" the women, both parties accept a certain level of risk when beginning a possible relationship. Unless you intentionally deceived these women just to get laid--which it doesn't sound like you did--then you didn't use them. They are adults with minds of their own. It's also interesting that she doesn't consider that you may have been hurt somewhere along the lines also. I also think it's ridiculous that you guys are still fighting about something that happened 2 years ago. She needs to let it go if she wants this to work.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Actually, she does acknowledge the possibility that I may have gotten hurt in the past by getting dumped. However, this is where a difference comes in -- her perspective is that if a guy had slept with her and then broken up with her, it would have hurt her on an emotional level (and she has, in fact, experienced this). If a woman slept with me and then ended it with me, I may well be hurt, but about the fact of the breakup -- NOT specifically about the fact that the woman slept with me and then broke up with me. I wouldn't feel like I'd been "used" for sex and thus damaged emotionally in some way. Which is probably just my natural male perspective on sex and what it means. Her letting go of it would definitely help things. The problem is that, from her perspective, when the issue of what happened during our breakup first arose (in fall of 2006, right after we got back together), I took the position that we were broken up, I thought it was over even though she was still harboring hopes that we'd reunite, and therefore I didn't owe her an explanation or an apology, i.e. she just had to deal with it. I didn't want to talk about it. I was probably quite a dick about it. My view has modified and softened considerably since then and I've invested a lot of time and effort in apologizing for the effect of my actions on her. She said a few weeks ago, in another of these crappy patches, that if she'd known what effect that knowledge would have on our relationship long-term, she would have not gotten back together with me. Which is exactly how I feel. Anyway, she feels that her "letting go" has been hindered and delayed by my attitude towards it. Over time I've been more and more supportive about it, but sometimes she gets angry about it (rather than just sad), says something that I don't feel is true or accurate, I respond in a non-supportive way or shut down or don't want to talk about it, and the recovery/letting-go process is thrown off track. I don't know when her letting-go is going to happen, or how much more I have to do in order to bring that about. Will it take six months? Six years? The rest of my life? Haven't a clue. But I don't want to be still dealing with this a year from now. And if it's going to be an issue forever, it's going to make our lives miserable. And I don't want my life to be miserable.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I don't know when her letting-go is going to happen, or how much more I have to do in order to bring that about. Will it take six months? Six years? The rest of my life? Haven't a clue. But I don't want to be still dealing with this a year from now. And if it's going to be an issue forever, it's going to make our lives miserable. And I don't want my life to be miserable. Then you need to tell her this exactly. Right now this is HER issue and she has to deal with it, process it, and forget it, enough NOT to let it affect your relationship - Or it WILL be doomed and you'll both feel miserable. That's not a nice way to be or to feel in a long term relationship. Ask her if she's willing to do counselling to help her cope with this and put it to rest. The past is the past - What counts is the NOW..Seems she's forgotten that.
Trialbyfire Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Then you need to tell her this exactly. Right now this is HER issue and she has to deal with it, process it, and forget it, enough NOT to let it affect your relationship - Or it WILL be doomed and you'll both feel miserable. That's not a nice way to be or to feel in a long term relationship. Ask her if she's willing to do counselling to help her cope with this and put it to rest. The past is the past - What counts is the NOW..Seems she's forgotten that. Exactly. You didn't cheat reservoirdog. The more you shoulder her responsibilities, the more she's going to feel she's in the right, thus use her moral outrage as an offensive tool during arguments. Do suggest counselling!
Lookingforward Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 You know it's amazing - you see so many posts on here complaining about scum bf/h/SO and here is a decent guy trying to do the right thing and all he gets from his SO is grief. Maybe counselling might work, maybe not - but you can't keep going like this res - something has to give somewhere. Is she prepared to throw away a decent guy and a good R for some percieved "hurt" ? Sorry I don't have any real advice - it sounds like you are already doing all you can to assuage her feelings. Hang in there
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