pink_kitty Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 My boyfriend and I had a great Christmas. He spoilt me rotten, spent almost £1000 on presents and taking me out etc. He really went out of his way to make sure it was a good Christmas for us. My birthday is just before Christmas, and on new years eve, he told me he wanted to talk to my Dad about proposing to me, because he'd decided he wanted to on my birthday. Over the weekend, things were fine. We went out with some friends, had a meal, had a few drinks, I got a bit too drunk, but no problems. We went home, (we live together) danced around and acted silly as you do when you're drunk. Then he got serious, he brought up the subject of my job. I'm changing careers at the moment and just do cleaning work, to get me through my studies etc. He told me he wanted to support me through uni, he pays most of the bills as he earns quite a lot, and although I have had a bit of a problem being dependant on him, it all was ok. I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry (and work as well). Until he makes a comment about my job, which I take personally. Then it turns into an attack, "you used to be a career woman, when I first met you". I still am - just retraining for another career! So we end up arguing, drunkenly, he walks out and goes to his parents house. Every time, he does that, he walks out. But this time, he dumps me and kicks me out. Just like that. The thing is, he's done it before. 3 months ago. I was devastated, felt lost, but I fought for my man, and although for a while he was adamant he didn't want to be with me, he broke down in tears after talking a while and told me he loved me so much. So I've been living in a bit of a state of insecurity, but he spent the 3 months convincing me that my home was with him, no where else, he didn't care about the money, etc etc. But then he goes back on his word the night we argued. Brings up every event that we said we would forget and move on (arguements etc), says it's not enough that I do the cooking and cleaning, I sponge off him, saying how dare I buy a laptop (for my uni studies) when I could have contributed to the household costs. So we don't see each other after that, because he works away alot with his job, and was off abroad. We spoke on the phone last night, after very limited contact, only a few text messages. Over the days, I'd convnced myself to get him back, I would have hopped on a plane, I would have done anything. Then the anger hit me. How DARE he treat me like this!? I have never been a bad girlfriend, my worst feature has only ever been arguing when drunk, and at times saying things I didn't mean. I'm a very calm and rational person. I very rarely drink, I don't like conflict or arguing. I don't take people or things for granted. So he called me to talk, and he expected me to grovel and beg him to come back. I think he wanted me to. But I didn't. I told him I deserved better, that his behaviour is apalling, I can't be with someone who is so hot headed, so irrational, someone who doesn't provide me with stabiolity and security. I can't live on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next arguement, the next time he kicks me out. He knows I can't afford to live on my own, and going back to the family home is a touchy subject. So he was surprised, at my anger. I've never spoken to him like that before. I just didn't care. He kept saying, "I'm sorry, I can't help how I feel, you killed the love for you". I kept saying "don't apologise, I'm not trying to get you back". Then he hesitated on ending the conversation for a few minutes, making small talk, then said he would call me when he's home and maybe come see me. WTF?? I'm upset, but also a little relieved. I was living feeling insecure for those 3 months, it brought me down. The worst thing though, is that he didn't have a reason for wanting to break up. He couldn't say "you did this" or pin it on anything. Alot of his insecurities have become aparent to me, looking back. He was insecure about my ex (who I was with for 4 years but we broke up 5 years ago). I still see him because I work with some of his family. But we don't socialise. He has a family. Yet whenever we would have a problem (my ex and I) he would run to his ex girlfriend. Who spent half of our relationship trying to break us up. I know she still has feelings for him, I know she would take him back in a flash. The worst thing is, that she was horrendous to my ex boyfriend. She treated him so badly, yet he's so civil to her, says he doesn't want to be rude by not texting or emailing back, etc. She treated him so much worse than I ever did (not that I was even a bad girlfriend), and it hurts that he has such a bad view of me, not her. I look back and think my ex boyfriend is a mass of insecurities. Right now, I feel alone, scared, worried, apprehensive, devastated.
Lishy Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 He sounds a bit of a control freak to me hon It is as if he likes supporting you one minute and resents it the next I would say he has something else on his mind that he is not sharing with you as he turned tail very quickly Can you think of what this could be?
s_n_d Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I see that he is a "mass of insecurities" as well. My ex was like this too..Well..not to this extent..But the fact that his exs either cheated on him or left him for his friends made him terribly insecure and it interfered in our relationship in the end. I think its our exs problems at this point. They need to get over their insecurities before they do anything else.
trulysomething Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Pink_Kitty...so sorry to hear about your breakup! My ex was still in communication with his ex(his first everything) too..even though she had treated him horribly throughout their relationship! They never had a proper breakup and I think she believed they were still together! (despite not seeing each other for 3 years, but travelling elsewhere instead!) He never dealt with it..and I know it was a complete fantasy (he lied to her about sooo many things in his life..not only me) but I deserve better and I know that too. We (him and I) have talked about her and that he needs to deal with that before he can move onto anything else. I've encouraged him to go and see her and deal with it all. But I know he never will, so I have to just give up. I want to commend you for your strength and knowledge that you deserve better! So many people don't believe they actually do..but you're a smart woman and able to see that! It's taking me forever to get some confidence back that I am worth more than how he treated me, but it's nice to see someone who does get that!
child_of_isis Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Geesh...he threw you out of 'your home' with him, then expected you to grovel to get him back? Ack! No, you don't need this. Dear gawd man...being thrown out every time there is a squabble? You can't live like that. His message is, if you buck up to me, then out you go. I'm the one who controls things here. Eventually you would be getting thrown out for not wearing make up, or staying in your jammies to long, or equally stupid things. Thank god you are getting out of it now.
PLAYBRAT Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Pink Kitty...good for you for getting angry with him!!! He deserves it. You are scared now...but it will be ok. You can make it on your own. Sounds like you would have been walking on pins and needles with him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. ICK. Maybe you can find a female roomate to help you out. I have always been of the mindset that unless you're married, not to live with a man. Because the saying is true...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? In essence all you're doing is "playing house". You also said your ex was thinking of proposing to you. Can you imagine how he might make you feel if you WERE married? I don't know. If he asks for you back..I would definetely keep him at arms length for a while. Just my thoughts.
Lishy Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Big Kudos to you for standing up to him when you relied on him though! That took balls babe and you did it!
curiousnycgirl Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I don't know. If he asks for you back..I would definetely keep him at arms length for a while. Just my thoughts. Oh I would say to keep him way more at arms length! I would not go back with him without a whole boatload of comfort that he will work on this issue. His statement that he cannot control how he feels is a crock. He most definitely can - especially when those feelings are occurring during an irrational moment. I am in awe of the strength you have shown in pushing him away. Now the question is what do you want next? Where are you living now?
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