having problems with sex -- i don't want it

January 9, 2008

so i'm 23 going on 24, female, and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. i am so in love with him, and him with me... but i have such a problem with sex that it has been affecting our relationship. i have no desire for it. at all. i mean, i have a sex drive. we do plenty of other things (not to get too graphic but i'm sure you all know what i mean)... but when it comes down to actual intercourse, no. not for me. i don't get any type of joy whatsoever out of it. i find it to be more of a bother than anything else. and it really confuses me, because i love him so much and i WANT to want to have sex with him. it's so weird. i don't understand what's going on.

and just so you all know, i lost my virginity to the guy i was with before my current boyfriend (at age 21) and had sex with him only twice. he wound up coming out and we broke up (obviously, since i am not a man). 5 months after that was when i met my current boyfriend, and we hadn't even ever attempted to have sex until after a year of being seriously attached.

so, in my so far 2 year relationship with this guy i feel is my soulmate, why am i having such problems having sex? is it not normal that i am grossed out by penetration? any other girls on here feel this way? also, every time we try to have sex, 5 minutes or so into it i feel really bad and just start crying. And I have no idea why. it really gets to me.

my boyfriend is starting to become very concerned about our sex life, and thinks i should start seeing a sex therapist. he's even offered to come with me if i want him to. he thinks i'm repressing some deep dark memory. i don't know what to think anymore.

Edited January 9, 2008 by StareIntoTheSun

January 9, 2008

so, in my so far 2 year relationship with this guy i feel is my soulmate, why am i having such problems having sex? is it not normal that i am grossed out by penetration? any other girls on here feel this way? also, every time we try to have sex, 5 minutes or so into it i feel really bad and just start crying. And I have no idea why. it really gets to me.

my boyfriend is starting to become very concerned about our sex life, and thinks i should start seeing a sex therapist. he's even offered to come with me if i want him to. he thinks i'm repressing some deep dark memory. i don't know what to think anymore.

This is not normal at all to be like this and I am sure that if you do not take care of this it will kill this and most future relationships that you will have.

I can already tell by your post that you are very uptight about sex and I would guess that this is a psychological problem that you have so seek therapy.

Most men require sex in a relationship, that is how we feel love so either figure this out ASAP or seek out one for the few asexual men.

January 9, 2008

And on the other side of the coin...

Who the hell is to say what's "normal"? I knew a guy once, a well-respected lawyer, who could only get off when he was wearing a diaper, sucking a big pacifier and being spanked by a woman in a nanny outfit.

Was he normal? To anyone seeking him out as a lawyer, sure. To his "playmates", he might have been slightly kinked. But far from being "not normal".

Don't listen to other people's standards - that's one of the pitfalls of forums like this. If you don't like it, don't do it. Plenty of LTRs are alive and well without the "normal" intercourse.

BTW - if your BF isn't a qualified, licensed therapist, I wouldn't put too much store into what he thinks about your "deep, dark memories" - probably picked it up from Dr. Phil.

Life isn't totally about sex.

January 9, 2008

Don't listen to other people's standards - that's one of the pitfalls of forums like this. If you don't like it, don't do it. Plenty of LTRs are alive and well without the "normal" intercourse.

BTW - if your BF isn't a qualified, licensed therapist, I wouldn't put too much store into what he thinks about your "deep, dark memories" - probably picked it up from Dr. Phil.

Life isn't totally about sex.

I agree about not listening to other people's standards about being "normal" because to me, being "normal" is just acting in a way that makes someone most comfortable with themself. But that's the thing that confuses the crap out of me. I don't feel comfortable with the fact that sex scares me so much. Because I want it. I want that closeness with my BF, and I feel I am depriving him of a very important part of our relationship. He has never pressured me in any way or anything like that. Yes, we have had serious conversations about it, but he never makes me feel pressured or anything. I really respect him for not being like most guys, who probably would have left me by now if they weren't getting sex. I've had plenty of relationships end because I didn't "put out," and it's really a terrible thing to base a relationship on.

I just really want to try and find out why I am so scared of sex, especially since I am so in love. It doesn't make sense to me. And the other person who responded said that I am uptight about sex. Well, uptight might be the wrong word. I am into some pretty kinky stuff, and me and my BF DO do plenty of other stuff often enough to keep us both satisfied. He actually told me that he thinks I should try to get over my fear of sex not because he wants to get laid, but because eventually one day we are going to want children. So it really stems quite a bit deeper than just him wanting sex from me. And I do know I want children in the future, so I'm going to have to figure something out eventually.

As for "deep, dark secrets," I don't feel I have any. And I told my BF that recently and that if he wants me to seek a therapy, I would do a couples counseling thing because I am actually quite interested myself to see if it would help.

Sorry for such a long reply... hope I didn't bore anyone.

January 9, 2008

And on the other side of the coin...

Who the hell is to say what's "normal"? I knew a guy once, a well-respected lawyer, who could only get off when he was wearing a diaper, sucking a big pacifier and being spanked by a woman in a nanny outfit.

Was he normal? To anyone seeking him out as a lawyer, sure. To his "playmates", he might have been slightly kinked. But far from being "not normal".

Don't listen to other people's standards - that's one of the pitfalls of forums like this. If you don't like it, don't do it. Plenty of LTRs are alive and well without the "normal" intercourse.

BTW - if your BF isn't a qualified, licensed therapist, I wouldn't put too much store into what he thinks about your "deep, dark memories" - probably picked it up from Dr. Phil.

Life isn't totally about sex.

If you want to have a long and drawn out discussion about "normal" then fine, practice sex in whatever way floats your boat.

But this issue IS causing problems in her current relationship and I would say that most other men would also have a problem being in a relationship similar to this.

So your options are either deal with this issue or don't deal with it and try and find a bf who will put up with that. The OP expressed that she would like to try to work things out with her current bf.

January 9, 2008

So your options are either deal with this issue or don't deal with it and try and find a bf who will put up with that. The OP expressed that she would like to try to work things out with her current bf.

Yes, I do want to stick with my current boyfriend. And I know most men won't deal with this for too long, I've already lost relationships in the past due to it. Although most of them were *******s anyway (demanding sex after a few weeks to a month of being together). This is the longest relationship I've ever had. And I plan to stay in it. I originally was posting to see if any other women felt similarly, and what helped them out. Because as I've stated before, I do want sex. It really bothers me that I have such a huge disgust and fear of it.

January 11, 2008

The reason that you don't want sex is that there is no sexual chemistry between you and your BF.

Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean they are the right person for you. (Believe me, I have this issue with both my significant relationships covering a 20 year period and have only just worked this out(!) and am about to leave a marraige which most would say is perfect for this reason. Not for someone else I might add)

When the chemistry is there, you can think of nothing else but the desire to be with someone in an intimate and sexual way. And sharing that part of you feels natural and something that you want to do. And fun. The tricky bit is finding it in the person who would make a good long term partner. (something that women have struggled with from the beginning of time)

For a good relationship, you need "like" "love" and "lust" because "lust" is the glue which keeps the thing together. Otherwise you just have a friendship which over time will inevitably fail. Because, trust me on this, you WILL meet someone for whom the chemistry is there. And when you do, you need to be free able to enter into a relationship. It may not happen for a while. You are quite young.

Keep looking. Its inevitable that you will break up with your current BF.

January 11, 2008

The reason that you don't want sex is that there is no sexual chemistry between you and your BF.

Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean they are the right person for you. (Believe me, I have this issue with both my significant relationships covering a 20 year period and have only just worked this out(!) and am about to leave a marraige which most would say is perfect for this reason. Not for someone else I might add)

When the chemistry is there, you can think of nothing else but the desire to be with someone in an intimate and sexual way. And sharing that part of you feels natural and something that you want to do. And fun. The tricky bit is finding it in the person who would make a good long term partner. (something that women have struggled with from the beginning of time)

For a good relationship, you need "like" "love" and "lust" because "lust" is the glue which keeps the thing together. Otherwise you just have a friendship which over time will inevitably fail. Because, trust me on this, you WILL meet someone for whom the chemistry is there. And when you do, you need to be free able to enter into a relationship. It may not happen for a while. You are quite young.

Keep looking. Its inevitable that you will break up with your current BF.

You do a great job articulating this issue. Believe me, I know of what you speak. But I'm not convinced this is the reason behind the OP's problem.

OP, I'm wondering about the rejection you felt when your boyfriend came out and then left you (for a guy?). He was your first love. It would be natural to associate that rejection with sex. So, maybe sex=>rejection for you. Did he come out soon after you had sex the first time?

January 12, 2008

The reason that you don't want sex is that there is no sexual chemistry between you and your BF.

Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean they are the right person for you. (Believe me, I have this issue with both my significant relationships covering a 20 year period and have only just worked this out(!) and am about to leave a marraige which most would say is perfect for this reason. Not for someone else I might add)

When the chemistry is there, you can think of nothing else but the desire to be with someone in an intimate and sexual way. And sharing that part of you feels natural and something that you want to do. And fun. The tricky bit is finding it in the person who would make a good long term partner. (something that women have struggled with from the beginning of time)

For a good relationship, you need "like" "love" and "lust" because "lust" is the glue which keeps the thing together. Otherwise you just have a friendship which over time will inevitably fail. Because, trust me on this, you WILL meet someone for whom the chemistry is there. And when you do, you need to be free able to enter into a relationship. It may not happen for a while. You are quite young.

Keep looking. Its inevitable that you will break up with your current BF.

I disagree. It's not that she has a low interest in sex with her bf, it's that she has some kind of serious issue with sex per se. It's like a guy who has a medical condition with his penis, it's a medical or psychological thing, not a matter of not fancying his partner.

To the original poster, I am not sure what is causing this. I suggest you see a psychologist/doctor specialising in the sexual field to see if there is any issue, who knows maybe it is hormones or some mental block. If not, then maybe you are just like that - in which case yes, it is going to be hard to find a relationship with someone who will accept never having sex. I'd say it's worth doing some serious research and getting some counselling/treatment to avoid that fate.

January 12, 2008

I don't have a desire for it sometimes either. I think I get a pleasure out of thinking about having sex, more than just having sex. I've never had an orgasm before, and I really don't care to have one. Maybe you need to talk to him about it, and he can try to understand and cope with what your are feeling.

January 12, 2008

The reason that you don't want sex is that there is no sexual chemistry between you and your BF.

Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean they are the right person for you. (Believe me, I have this issue with both my significant relationships covering a 20 year period and have only just worked this out(!) and am about to leave a marraige which most would say is perfect for this reason. Not for someone else I might add)

When the chemistry is there, you can think of nothing else but the desire to be with someone in an intimate and sexual way. And sharing that part of you feels natural and something that you want to do. And fun. The tricky bit is finding it in the person who would make a good long term partner. (something that women have struggled with from the beginning of time)

For a good relationship, you need "like" "love" and "lust" because "lust" is the glue which keeps the thing together. Otherwise you just have a friendship which over time will inevitably fail. Because, trust me on this, you WILL meet someone for whom the chemistry is there. And when you do, you need to be free able to enter into a relationship. It may not happen for a while. You are quite young.

Keep looking. Its inevitable that you will break up with your current BF.

By reading what the OP was saying, I don't agree with this. Unless she is in extreme denial about how she feels about her BF, they are very much in love and want to spend their lives together. He is also very understanding of her situation, which shows a deep love right there. She did state that they do have a want for eachother and they ARE sexual in all other ways (to the point of satisfaction on both sides) except penetration. Her BF IS satisfied with their sex life but has expressed concern about vaginal intercourse only because of their future plans for children.

Honestly, it sounds to me that she does have underlying, if not subconcious, issues going on in her psyche that she needs help with; help she won't get from here or from her BF. It would a good idea to visit a therapist and see what might be going on under the surface. What has she got to lose? There doesn't have to be a deep, dark secret subconciously holding her back; it could be a NUMBER of things...how she was raised, how she was treated as she was being raised, how she saw herself as she was growing as a result, etc etc etc. Self-esteem could play a huge role here.

January 12, 2008

I don't have a desire for it sometimes either. I think I get a pleasure out of thinking about having sex, more than just having sex. I've never had an orgasm before, and I really don't care to have one. Maybe you need to talk to him about it, and he can try to understand and cope with what your are feeling.

Honey, if you ever DO have an orgasm, you will retract this statement. I guaruntee it. Haven't you ever brought YOURSELF to orgasm?

January 17, 2008

Some questions that popped into my mind:

Did you feel the same way about sex with your first b/f?

How do you feel about male and female anatomy? Are you turned off either by his genitalia or your own?

Is penetration physically painful for you?

You said sex is "disgusting." Were you raised in a household where this was a common belief?

How do you feel when you're engaging in the kinky non-penetrative stuff- are you ashamed, embarrassed (for some that's part of the turn-on, especially with BDSM games.)

I've been with several partners where penetration didn't feel incredibly good. This mostly comes down to how much time they spend on foreplay and how we fit, physically.

If it's a case of physical mismatch:

Make sure that you spend plenty of time on foreplay. Make sure there's plenty of lubrication present, natural or artificial. If he's more than 5-6 inches long, chances are that he will bump your cervix (ouch!) so make sure he's not going in too deeply. You might try you being on top or doggy-style so you can control the depth of penetration. Either that or just tell him to take it slow and don't go in too deep. Try some clitoral stimulation during penetration (it's fine to do it yourself) and see if that makes things feel good. If it's still painful you might see a doctor or a therapist and check that you don't have a condition such as vaginismus.

If you are ashamed, embarrassed, or disgusted by sex and/or all related body parts, then you need to talk this out with your b/f and possibly a sex therapist. Some things to keep in mind are that sex is natural- all of us mammals do it and it's a perfectly normal instinct and nothing to be ashamed about.

If this is a religious issue, then you should talk about this as well. It wouldn't hurt to have a talk with a trusted member of the clergy about sex within the bounds of religion/marriage if this is part of the issue for you. If it's a sex before marriage issue then consider cutting off sexual relations until marriage.

You might read this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginisimus

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having problems with sex -- i don't want it

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