Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I wanted to say one more thing... In fact the single biggest thing he loved about our relationship was the chance it gave him to talk and be listened to, and to listen to what I had to say. He always loved our phonecalls probably as much if not more than actually being together. One of the most common 'starting points' of an emotional affair is EXACTLY THIS. Talking about marital issues, personal issues, etc... with an opposite sex friend INSTEAD of your spouse. Its EXACTLY what led to my wife's EA, for sure.
frannie Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 How do you know this? I'm assuming that he told you so. Here's the thing...even given that he told you this when he first met you, he very well may have been mentally "grooming" you for an affair. I've seen guys do this all the time. If they just find that they're attracted to the lady they're talking with, they IMMEDIATELY begin downplaying their marriage. I've had several friends of mine that were adept at this...and they never even thought about what they were doing. I'd ask them later..."why did you tell her that when you know that your wife and you are like xxxx?"...and they'd not even have a good excuse for it. He might have been in a poor marriage before...it does happen. Not arguing that point. I'm simply pointing out that its hard to know that for sure. You get into a "chicken and egg" conundrum when you start talking about affairs and marriages and where the real issues with the marriage began. And exactly which party (the WS or the BS) is responsible for that damage. Not all marriages are good. Not all are salvageable. Its possible that he WAS in a lousy marriage before he met you. My only point is that its impossible to tell that based solely off what he told you. HE wouldn't know the truth of it...his view of his marriage was compromised immediately by his view of you. Did his friends and family and everyone else cooborate his story that their marriage was doodoo before you came into the picture? No, I don't know any of his friends or family, nor would I think they would have much of a clue either of how his marriage was, unless they heard it from one or the other of them, which again, is hearsay and subjective of course. As I said earlier in the thread, I don't really think outsiders can have any real knowledge of how things are within a marriage. But as you say at least they would have seen them together which I never have. I wouldn't dream of making any assumptions about where their marriage went wrong or who was to blame for that. He's quite adamant that he was just as culpable as she in the breakdown of their relationship, if not more so maybe. And he certainly admits he hasn't 'tried' since well before we met. Actually I've always said look, surely it's fixable... I would have thought he had a better chance of fixing it now that he's been with me for almost 4 years, and we've 'worked on' what we have over and over... he's filled out Emotional Needs questionnaires, read all sorts of websites on relationships and so on... he has a lot more relationship skills, and is a lot more open and able to communicate than when I first knew him. That in itself is a clue to me that his relationship was really bad when I met him: he wasn't open about feelings, he was almost a different person, very closed off and protective of himself in a way. It's from evidence like that that I make guesses about what his life at home was/is like. But you need to read my first post on this thread to get that into perspective, I think. I wanted to say one more thing... One of the most common 'starting points' of an emotional affair is EXACTLY THIS. Talking about marital issues, personal issues, etc... with an opposite sex friend INSTEAD of your spouse. Its EXACTLY what led to my wife's EA, for sure. That is definitely how our EA started. He was desperate to talk. Not about his marriage problems, but just to talk. He was starved of conversation. He has few friends outside work, no real friends to discuss just STUFF with, you know politics, films, books, feelings, philosophy, history, everything... it's one of his big emotional needs and wasn't getting met. When I met him it was like a dam opening up in a way, and it was that, the fact we hit it off so well on that level, that led to our relationship, no doubt at all.
cj1988 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I know that is how my H EA started. He started calling her every monring (getting to know each other they said) Then it was twice a day the next month. Well into the 3rd month it was all day long and as much as 2 hours a day, while he NEVER called me and she said, you get him at night, I am his sister and we just talk. That did not sit well, then after the taped conversation I KNEW it was an EA for sure and it made me PUKE ! EA/PA it is all BS and wrong ! Cowards in action. I have a male friend I talk to and that is it. He is good looking and IF I were single may be interested, BUT I am married, so we are JUST friends. I know the difference and if I believed it were JUST innocent I would have never taped them.....MY gut knew it was wrong and they knew I felt and CONTINUED and just made fun of me on the tape......while they said I LOVE YOU over and over again ! F----- GROSS !
bentnotbroken Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Most WS's treat their spouses normally up to the beginning stages of the affair. Once the affair starts, most commonly they almost immediately begin growing distant, cold, less caring about their spouse. They stop talking with the spouse about aspects of their lives, they stop emotionally investing in the spouse. They lose patience over things that never bothered them before in the years of marriage together. They begin to 'forget' the good aspects of the marriage, and start focusing only on the negatives. They begin re-writing their marital history in their own mind to become something much worse than it really was...it helps them to rationalize and justify to themselves what they're doing to their spouse. It makes it "ok" to cheat and behave that way. They become extremely selfish, and self-centered. They begin making decisions that benefit ONLY themselves, and often these choices are directly harmful to the family and the betrayed spouse. The marriage rapidly breaks down into what the WS claims it has been all along...a cold, lonely place for both of them. That "roomates" only situation. What they rarely admit is that it wasn't like that BEFORE they started the affair, and it went to what it is now as a result of their actions and how they treated their spouse as a result of the affair. Every once in a while, the "normal" spouse peeks out from behind the 'wayward mask'. They show love and affection and caring for their spouse. This especially happens when things start to approach a crisis mode...when it appears that the marriage is really going to end. When it appears that the affair is going to be discovered. Anything that threatens the status quo. What's equally amazing is how quickly this all can change once the affair ends too. Sometimes the WS will turn around in a matter of days or weeks...other times it might take six months. It appears to depend mostly on the length of the affair more than anything else. This is so on the money. As with Mr. Messy Pants, this past holiday he did everything but camp out on my mom's doorstep. He wants to come back home. I told him he no longer has a home with me and the children. He destroyed it and wanted to leave it. I am not the same person who was willing to love him unconditionally. I no longer trust, resepect, or even like him. I pity him and wish he could find his way, but it isn't my job to help him. All those things that he told the ow that was wrong with me and our M, those words came from his lips. It's like a bell, once you ring it, it can't be unrung. He treated me with no respect, diginity, care or concern. No concern for my mental health, emotional health or physical health. He didn't care what his actions were teachin our children or her children. They only cared about the fantasy and when were they going to screw next. His treatment of me and his children is a clue to what he will do to the next woman when he feels that his needs aren't being met or his needs come before everything and everyone. The best indicator of future behavior, is past behavior. Thanks Dr. Phil
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