whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 His house, his children and he has asked her to move out and she has refused. Are you sure he is telling you the truth? Also, if he wants it over, then he should move out, why should his wife move from the house and the kids? Or does he want her to take them with her? But I am not looking to be the OW. My intention is to get this man and keep him. Then break up with him, go NC and tell him no more intimacy or anything until he is divorced. If you leave him alone completely then he'll have to deal with his own issues within the marriage. If you stay, all that does is enable him to have two women in his life and keep the A going. You may "get" this man, but he obviously is noone's keeper as being married, creating children with his wife wasn't enough to keep him from cheating, let alone possibly leaving them. He is a cheater, a liar and has betrayed his family.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Look, we are all adults here. If a man wants to be with you there is nothing in this world that will stop him. A man can move mountains if he wants to be with a woman. But if a man does not want you, there is nothing you can do or say to make him stay. I agree, but if he really wanted out, he would move out. He hasn't and he's asked his wife to go, she hasn't and she won't. MORE than likely she has NO clue about you and the affair.
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Are you sure he is telling you the truth? Also, if he wants it over, then he should move out, why should his wife move from the house and the kids? Or does he want her to take them with her? Then break up with him, go NC and tell him no more intimacy or anything until he is divorced. If you leave him alone completely then he'll have to deal with his own issues within the marriage. If you stay, all that does is enable him to have two women in his life and keep the A going. You may "get" this man, but he obviously is noone's keeper as being married, creating children with his wife wasn't enough to keep him from cheating, let alone possibly leaving them. He is a cheater, a liar and has betrayed his family. Based on my interaction with him B4 the A and now....I believe he is telling me the truth. Now, you asked me a question that another poster has already asked, the children are not an issue. They are not her children. MM has until the end of January and so far, he is doing what he wants to do in order to be with me. Certainly you are entitled to your opinion, as far as I am concerned, he is a keeper. He did not start the A with me until she refused to end things and he wanted to be with me.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I read your very first post from a couple of years ago and a few more after that. It would seem you have a tendency to get involved with people who ultimately mistreat you. I hope that this guy won't be just another cycle in that vicious pattern, but from what you are posting about him he doesn't sound like much of a keeper any more than the other guys did. In many ways, I hope that he doesn't fall on the preferred side of the ultimatum and that you find someone who will be better for you than this guy - I have a feeling that he will ultimately mistreat you like he has the other women in his life. Perhaps on some level you are subconsciously aware of that and are repeating the pattern without even realizing it. Just protect your heart in this.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I'm glad you are putting a time limit on this. Does she know about you though? I mean, if the kids aren't his and he is looking for a way out, what is stopping HIM from letting her know the truth? That he has fallen for another woman, wants to divorce and be with you? Why doesn't he just come clean with her?
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I agree, but if he really wanted out, he would move out. He hasn't and he's asked his wife to go, she hasn't and she won't. MORE than likely she has NO clue about you and the affair. Oh she knows. He has made it pretty clear. Our outings are very public. Moving out is his last resort, why should he have move out of the home he and his children have lived in and owned for 7 years? He understands his deadline very loud and clear and he is working on it.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 You believe every word that comes out of his mouth? I'd be very careful...I know I do not know him, nor you, but this man IS a liar and has been lying and deceiving for a long time...Shield your heart abit and don't fully trust every word he tells you. He IS capable of lying and hiding the truth, you know this. (I tried to edit this in, but someone else had posted after me..)
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Oh she knows. He has made it pretty clear. Our outings are very public. Moving out is his last resort, why should he have move out of the home he and his children have lived in and owned for 7 years? He understands his deadline very loud and clear and he is working on it. And for those 7 years, she has contributed in that household. She has been stepmom to the kids. What about the kids though? Do you they know about you, that their father wants someone else, wants a divorce, wants their stepmom out of the house?
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I read your very first post from a couple of years ago and a few more after that. It would seem you have a tendency to get involved with people who ultimately mistreat you. I hope that this guy won't be just another cycle in that vicious pattern, but from what you are posting about him he doesn't sound like much of a keeper any more than the other guys did. In many ways, I hope that he doesn't fall on the preferred side of the ultimatum and that you find someone who will be better for you than this guy - I have a feeling that he will ultimately mistreat you like he has the other women in his life. Perhaps on some level you are subconsciously aware of that and are repeating the pattern without even realizing it. Just protect your heart in this. Thanks for the recap. I dont know about the word tendency, but I did not make some wise choices in the past. Thats the past. I was actually referring to these recent past posts. Again, your definition of mistreating is certainly different from mine. He is not mistreating the W. He has told her that he does not want to be M to her. He is entitled to continue living his life.
Meaplus3 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Oh, thats unfortunate. Yes it is. I'm just so glad and thankful the the ea did not turn into a pa gosh that would have been the worst! Im so glad to have this mm out of my life for good! The one thing that I do wonder about myself from this is why I seem to be so attracted toward's a controlling man? AP:)
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 And for those 7 years, she has contributed in that household. She has been stepmom to the kids. What about the kids though? Do you they know about you, that their father wants someone else, wants a divorce, wants their stepmom out of the house? These seem like rhetorical questions. They have been married for less than 2 years.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 He has told her that he does not want to be M to her. He is entitled to continue living his life. Yes he is, but there's a right way and a wrong way of handling this. IF he honestly and calmly sat down with her and told her he was sorry, but he fell inlove with someone else and did this respecfully (not that telling one's spouse it's over is easy to do let alone try to do it as honestly and respecfully as possible) and he really wants to move on. Has he done this or is he being mean and sh*tty to her? Sorry I don't recall your full situation so I didn't know they were only married for 2 years, but together 7.
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I'm glad you are putting a time limit on this. Does she know about you though? I mean, if the kids aren't his and he is looking for a way out, what is stopping HIM from letting her know the truth? That he has fallen for another woman, wants to divorce and be with you? Why doesn't he just come clean with her? The children are his and not hers. He has come clean and she has told him that she does not care what he does outside the home.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Well, I guess see what happens in a month. Good luck N.
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Yes he is, but there's a right way and a wrong way of handling this. IF he honestly and calmly sat down with her and told her he was sorry, but he fell inlove with someone else and did this respecfully (not that telling one's spouse it's over is easy to do let alone try to do it as honestly and respecfully as possible) and he really wants to move on. Has he done this or is he being mean and sh*tty to her? Sorry I don't recall your full situation so I didn't know they were only married for 2 years, but together 7. Again, you have it wrong. They have been marrled for less than 2 years. Will be 2 years in June. He has been in his house with his children alone for 7 years. I have known him for 6 years, but only started A mid last year. Yes, he has tried to tell her calmly. Everything you are suggesting has been tried and she refuses to end things.
Author nextel Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 You believe every word that comes out of his mouth? I'd be very careful...I know I do not know him, nor you, but this man IS a liar and has been lying and deceiving for a long time...Shield your heart abit and don't fully trust every word he tells you. He IS capable of lying and hiding the truth, you know this. (I tried to edit this in, but someone else had posted after me..) I have known this man for 6 years. I have reason to believe him. I am mindful of a lot of things which is why I gave him till January to sort his home out or we go our separate ways.
vanilla chai Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Previous posts explain my situation a little more but I will respond any ways. His house, his children and he has asked her to move out and she has refused. If he wants out so bad why doesn't he just leave himself?
child_of_isis Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 He doesn't have to kick her out, just file. The courts will do it for him. They haven't been together long enough for him to lose his house. He probably won't have to divide much at all.Again, you have it wrong. They have been marrled for less than 2 years. Will be 2 years in June. He has been in his house with his children alone for 7 years. I have known him for 6 years, but only started A mid last year. Yes, he has tried to tell her calmly. Everything you are suggesting has been tried and she refuses to end things.
Author nextel Posted January 10, 2008 Author Posted January 10, 2008 He doesn't have to kick her out, just file. The courts will do it for him. They haven't been together long enough for him to lose his house. He probably won't have to divide much at all. Thats what he is going to do since she has made it hard. He was hoping to use a mediator as opposed to hiring individual lawyers.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Back to the original question... I think that he used to treat her well and when he felt abandoned by her in the R, he looked outside the M and well, it just went downhill... And he fell in love with me and realized maybe he could live with her, but he couldn't live without me... And so he's living without her now... And he is so good to me...My daughter says that he spoils me...And he spoils my kids too and treats them as he would his own children...He is good to all of us...And I am good to him...
Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Most WS's treat their spouses normally up to the beginning stages of the affair. Once the affair starts, most commonly they almost immediately begin growing distant, cold, less caring about their spouse. They stop talking with the spouse about aspects of their lives, they stop emotionally investing in the spouse. They lose patience over things that never bothered them before in the years of marriage together. They begin to 'forget' the good aspects of the marriage, and start focusing only on the negatives. They begin re-writing their marital history in their own mind to become something much worse than it really was...it helps them to rationalize and justify to themselves what they're doing to their spouse. It makes it "ok" to cheat and behave that way. They become extremely selfish, and self-centered. They begin making decisions that benefit ONLY themselves, and often these choices are directly harmful to the family and the betrayed spouse. The marriage rapidly breaks down into what the WS claims it has been all along...a cold, lonely place for both of them. That "roomates" only situation. What they rarely admit is that it wasn't like that BEFORE they started the affair, and it went to what it is now as a result of their actions and how they treated their spouse as a result of the affair. Every once in a while, the "normal" spouse peeks out from behind the 'wayward mask'. They show love and affection and caring for their spouse. This especially happens when things start to approach a crisis mode...when it appears that the marriage is really going to end. When it appears that the affair is going to be discovered. Anything that threatens the status quo. What's equally amazing is how quickly this all can change once the affair ends too. Sometimes the WS will turn around in a matter of days or weeks...other times it might take six months. It appears to depend mostly on the length of the affair more than anything else.
child_of_isis Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Owl: That was a really good post. You pretty much laid it out there.
frannie Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Most WS's treat their spouses normally up to the beginning stages of the affair. Once the affair starts, most commonly they almost immediately begin growing distant, cold, less caring about their spouse. They stop talking with the spouse about aspects of their lives, they stop emotionally investing in the spouse. They lose patience over things that never bothered them before in the years of marriage together. They begin to 'forget' the good aspects of the marriage, and start focusing only on the negatives. And what about the marriages where that is the way the soon-to-be-WS feels before they begin an affair? The way you describe it there is probably how you lived it, what your experience was, but I've read plenty of threads all over from men and women who felt that way in their marriage, and that was the reason they ended up cheating. My MM and his W had stopped talking about all aspects of life way before he even knew of my existence. In fact the single biggest thing he loved about our relationship was the chance it gave him to talk and be listened to, and to listen to what I had to say. He always loved our phonecalls probably as much if not more than actually being together. As for how their home life was, as I said in my earlier post I don't know for certain, of course. But he actually said they argued far less once he was seeing me, because the tension wasn't there, the resentment became not a constant pain to him, but irrelevant, because he had me there to talk to and feel human again. So during our affair things at home became more comfortable for everyone. According to him, of course. But then you only know the reality of your home experience, plus what you've read from others. Not all situations are the same.
cj1988 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 My story is even worse. We lived together 11 years, FINALLY got married (what he wanted forever) and then it was over. I believe he was in the EA before we married and over a month later I found them UNDER the dock at 2AM talking....In his eyes we did not JUST get married we had been married for years, so that justified his actions in his head. I was calling him still in happy mode saying "Hello husband" and he would say "Hello Wife" like he hated to say it and when I said something he told me to stop acting like a teenager. But, the whold time he was calling her all day like a teen and from the one conversation I heard felt giddy like a teen. By the 3rd moth we were fighting and he was telling me I was crazy and needed help. Sex became an big issue and that was him NOT wanting it like he had up until her.....he got mad at anything I said or did, less patient and happy when we were around her. So, you see EA/PA does not matter. All the sudden the life we had (which was Rocky) was all teh sudden AWFUL to him and I was awful in everyway. She was sweet, caring and adored what she knew of him. She got all the calls and attention, she got all that I love you, I got his smelly a-- feet and his bills, kids etc.....he treated me terrible as she did as well, acting the whole time as she was my friend. Giving me marriage advice...whatever, her H was tryingto F--- everything BUT her, gave her NO attention, so she was happy to use mine, her f---- new found 1/2 brother I brought to her ! What a f---- nut case ! Sorry had to vent.
Owl Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 My MM and his W had stopped talking about all aspects of life way before he even knew of my existence. In fact the single biggest thing he loved about our relationship was the chance it gave him to talk and be listened to, and to listen to what I had to say. He always loved our phonecalls probably as much if not more than actually being together. How do you know this? I'm assuming that he told you so. Here's the thing...even given that he told you this when he first met you, he very well may have been mentally "grooming" you for an affair. I've seen guys do this all the time. If they just find that they're attracted to the lady they're talking with, they IMMEDIATELY begin downplaying their marriage. I've had several friends of mine that were adept at this...and they never even thought about what they were doing. I'd ask them later..."why did you tell her that when you know that your wife and you are like xxxx?"...and they'd not even have a good excuse for it. He might have been in a poor marriage before...it does happen. Not arguing that point. I'm simply pointing out that its hard to know that for sure. You get into a "chicken and egg" conundrum when you start talking about affairs and marriages and where the real issues with the marriage began. And exactly which party (the WS or the BS) is responsible for that damage. Not all marriages are good. Not all are salvageable. Its possible that he WAS in a lousy marriage before he met you. My only point is that its impossible to tell that based solely off what he told you. HE wouldn't know the truth of it...his view of his marriage was compromised immediately by his view of you. Did his friends and family and everyone else cooborate his story that their marriage was doodoo before you came into the picture?
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