D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 So, most of you have heard this story. I met someone in mid November and we dated for about 6 weeks before trouble arose and we split up just before he went away for a month at x-mas time. Initially, our relationship was just about fun. We spent a lot of time together- he was very much into me and I liked him too, but was hesitant because of his age. Yes- he is a lot younger.... not that you could tell physically...but he is younger than I am. Our situation came to a head when I told him I needed some space to think- and he came to my place late at night distraught and upset wanting to talk things out with me. A lot of people suggested this was a stalkerish kind of move- but I didn't see it as such.... he truly was distraught and hurt and wanted answers I was avoiding giving him. We spent the night together that night- and I told him I had avoided him on purpose because I was experiencing cold feet... but assured him I did want to try and work through things. We spent a couple great days together and I thought things were good... but- my having cold feet scared him off, and he ended up walking away from me. His last e-mail to me said he had thought things through and did want to be with me.... but I never heard from him after that. Over x-mas, while he was away, we began texting that we missed each other.... that progressed to phone calls and mutual exchanges of adoration. I texted him the other night that I didn't want to go through dealing with his cold feet again and if he didn't have honest intentions that he should tell me so I could move on. He told me in no uncertain terms "PLEASE DON'T MOVE ON".... I guess I feel pretty torn. I really like this guy, but he did walk away from me and ignore me for two solid weeks... I am having trouble deciding if it is worth taking the risk with him again. I screwed up a couple times- and he screwed up a couple times...we both did some things that hurt each other. My feeling is that it was all about the fear of dealing with the strong feelings we were having. He is still away until Dec 20.... 2 weeks. He continues to text and call and tell me he misses me like crazy. Is it possible that he actually took a couple weeks, thought about things and has now decided he wants to be with me.... or is it possible that someone who walks away like that is likely to walk again if things get too intense? He does like older women- his last gf of 2 years is my age- but she had 2 kids, and she ended up cheating on him with the father of her kids...which is why he left her.... and which is why I believe he has trust issues with me. Do guys take an emotional break sometimes to get their head straight? Or might I assume the pulling away behaviour is a pattern I should view as a red flag? Sorry for the long post. This guy has really gotten under my skin- and I don't want to get hurt. Thoughts? How would others handle this?
OceanBlue Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 It was my experience that it didn't work. I was very open with someone significantly younger. He opted not to pursue a relationship. Called me back a couple of weeks later and said he wanted to try - thought he might be missing out on a great thing etc... I accepted it for many reasons beyond the basic fact that I liked him. He had dated an older woman before - one that had kids - so he seemed to be aware of my situation. He had taken the opportunity to think it through before we were involved. It lasted 2 months.
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 A couple of things.. Was it this guy ? I got a great one last night... "I can't wait to f*ck you...on your couch, on your bed, in your shower, on your kicthen counter... The things I am going to do to you..." If it was that guy texting you the above quote then to me it is obvious that he only wants you for sex and you will get hurt.. Is it possible that he actually took a couple weeks, thought about things and has now decided he wants to be with me.... If it wasn't then hear him out.. give him another shot.. as long as he hasn't been mean to you ( I can't remember the specifics of why you broke up ) then it is all up to up to you.. Just as a sidenote and not meant to sway you.. but, He does seems a bit desperate.. then again.. I have sounded desperate before when trying to get someone back.. ( even though it didn't work ).
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 D-Lish, I'm going to give you a canned response because I can't think of anything that would be more appropriate than this. Consider the issues that occurred. Whomever those issues belong to, perhaps in equal portions, perhaps not, if they haven't been completely addressed, a second chance is an exercise in futility and will just lengthen the process.
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 D-Lish, this guy sounds like he is all over the place, don't know what he is doing or what he wants from/in a relationship. If you are can handle him to get cold feet, ignore you and leave you again then by all means try it again - BUT be prepared! Maybe this time if/when he leaves again you will realise what a jerk this guy is being and will stop wasting your time with this insensative little boy.
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 May I ask what is the age gap? How old is he? and how old are you? Thanks.
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 May I ask what is the age gap? How old is he? and how old are you? Thanks. I'm scared to say.... me 35 him 22.
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I'm scared to say.... me 35 him 22. 17 yrs... YOU GO GIRL!!!!! I would give him the benefit of the doubt...and see how it goes... Just don't fall too hard for him.. keep your heart at a good distance... and enjoy... Life is too short to pass good things like that...
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Yes Art- it's the same guy from the dirty texting. But that text is one of many exchanges... including many heartfelt phone conversations and a lot of emotional revealing. He waited 6 weeks for sex.... I didn't even let him near the button on my jeans for over a month of spending every day together.... and yet he waited 6 weeks for sex. I also told him that when he came back that I wanted to take things slow and not jump back into the sex.... and he agreed saying he just wanted to make things up to me. Don't get me wrong- I know the age gap is messed... It doesn't feel like a huge difference when we are together.
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Yes Art- it's the same guy from the dirty texting. But that text is one of many exchanges... including many heartfelt phone conversations and a lot of emotional revealing. If I was trying to win my way back in to a woman's HEART I WOULDN'T use sex or mention to her how I was going to fuQk her on the couch and etc. etc... If I was trying to win my way back into a woman's PANTIES I WOULD use sex and tell her how I was going to fuQk her on the couch and etc. etc... Believe what you want.. but he is only out to score... 22 is the other thing that tells me that... I'm not saying he isn't a good guy.. just that he wants you for sex.. and hey.. if that is what you want too then go baby.. go.. but don't expect a relationship out of him.. only sex
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 ... 22 is the other thing that tells me that... I'm not saying he isn't a good guy.. just that he wants you for sex.. and hey.. if that is what you want too then go baby.. go.. but don't expect a relationship out of him.. only sex I have to agree. And the danger of this, of course, is that you may be complacent and not really be available to others who enter your life. It really depends on what you want.
Nemo Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 17 yrs... YOU GO GIRL!!!!! I see that subtraction isn't your thing.
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I see that subtraction isn't your thing. D-lish, are you really looking for a lasting relationship or more of a short-term one?
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I see that subtraction isn't your thing. OOPS... sorry...
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 17 yrs... YOU GO GIRL!!!!! I see that subtraction isn't your thing. I thought I was counting wrong
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Ahhhhh... I am not looking to get married. I have already been married.... and I don't want to do it again. The whole dirty texting- as I mentioned before came a long time after we had chatted and exchanged candid e-mails about feelings.... etc. The sexy text came after a lot of other emotional stuff. 13 years...yes...lol. I don't look my age.... but neither does he- he lookks about 26- and I can pass for 28 on a good day. Is it only about sex- maybe. I am trying to figure that out. But this is a guy who told me he wanted to pursue a relationship with me and then waited patiently for me to take my pants off. Would a young guy wait that long for sex? That is what I am confused about. We never spent our time holing up in my place getting busy. We go places and actually hold hands and have a blast. It has been him that has been begging me to meet his parents- obviously I have said no.... lol. Before he left for his trip- his family had a dinner and he asked me to come and I declined. So- yes, it's possible this guy wants to bag a former lingerie model... I am not dumb. But, I get the impression that his intentions at least were honorable. I dunno. I never banged the guy on the first date- I waited a long time- and we spent quality time avoiding the physical.... with him telling me he wanted to wait as long as I did. Is that the behaviour of a guy who just wants sex? You can be honest- I am open to all opinions. Thanks guys, Dee
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I am not looking to get married. I'm not talking about marriage, just a long-term relationship that spans a number of years. If you're only looking for a short-term fling, I don't see anything stopping you beyond concern about getting too attached.
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 D-Lish from what you just wrote he sounds like a sweet, charming respectful guy to you, he sounds like he is a heart melter but I pick up he is also a heartbreaker, especially when he gets cold feet! I think its up to you what your heart tells you to do - we live and learn - everyday we experiance new things. Besides this time it might work out as he has had time to think.
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I'm not talking about marriage, just a long-term relationship that spans a number of years. If you're only looking for a short-term fling, I don't see anything stopping you beyond concern about getting too attached. No, TBF, not a fling.... I think it's something in between I want. I want companionship, but I want respect. The respect aspect is important to me. But I don't think I have done anything to compromise my integrity. I waited 6 weeks before the pants even came off.... Since my divorce I really have floated from jerk to loser to jerk.... and yes, this guy is young- but he isn't a jerk- and he isn't a loser. he is just young. I am not ready to get super serious. I just want to have some companionship. Here's to you Mr's Robinson I suppose.
Prodigal Princess Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Proceed, with caution. (Although I suspect you have already made up your mind to do this. )
oppath Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I am not ready to get super serious. I just want to have some companionship. Here's to you Mr's Robinson I suppose. He probably wants the same thing I suspect, or he wouldn't have put in the effort he has. The thing about the age...it's possible the frequency of hanging out, feelings, and sex made your relationship TOO INTIMATE for him considering the age gap. That is possible to happen again. With me, sometimes after sex, I find I feel too intimate with someone for the connection I have or relationship I want. What I mean is you feel really close when the relationship, since on some level it's not the ultimate relationship of your life, is in some way false. More simply: he might freak out if he gets too close to you because of the age difference.
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I agree with you OP and BES.... Sex is intimate... and it can be scary. The whole reason for our initial drama happened after sex. He tried to cuddle- and I got antsy over something he said and pulled away then sent him home. I think he is confused... but I also think he is young- and he is thinking "hey- why can't this work".... that has been his position all along. We were watching a talk show one day about older women/younger men and "why it can't work".... and he turned the TV off and grabbed my hand and took me for a walk because he said he didn't want me to get any wrong ideas. No- I don't think we'll get married.... I hope we'll be companions for a while though. Is that bad?
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 No, TBF, not a fling.... I think it's something in between I want. I want companionship, but I want respect. The respect aspect is important to me. But I don't think I have done anything to compromise my integrity. I waited 6 weeks before the pants even came off.... Since my divorce I really have floated from jerk to loser to jerk.... and yes, this guy is young- but he isn't a jerk- and he isn't a loser. he is just young. I am not ready to get super serious. I just want to have some companionship. Here's to you Mr's Robinson I suppose. D-Lish, you and I aren't far apart in age, so please bear with me through this. While I don't think that large age gaps are the end of the world, from what I've seen, the only ones that seem to work for the long-term are the ones where the two people are in the same place in life v. age in life. A 22 year-old guy has a lot to experience and much to mature. Whether your guy is different, I'm not convinced. I worry that in his immaturity, he will eventually do something so unforgivable, not because he intends it but because he hasn't got the empathy that experience sometimes brings, that he ends up ripping your heart out. Investing in this guy is very high risk, on the emotional scale.
johan Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Age is not the most important factor. For a real good time you want to find a guy from somewhere close to 40 degrees north latitude.
Author D-Lish Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 D-Lish, you and I aren't far apart in age, so please bear with me through this. While I don't think that large age gaps are the end of the world, from what I've seen, the only ones that seem to work for the long-term are the ones where the two people are in the same place in life v. age in life. A 22 year-old guy has a lot to experience and much to mature. Whether your guy is different, I'm not convinced. I worry that in his immaturity, he will eventually do something so unforgivable, not because he intends it but because he hasn't got the empathy that experience sometimes brings, that he ends up ripping your heart out. Investing in this guy is very high risk, on the emotional scale. I tend to agree with you. Even though his last gf was 35 with two kids.... he still doesn't have the mental maturity to be a lasting love match for me. It's just a fling- I know that. At some point it has to end.
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