Newbie and Need Some Input

[Rlehouse]

Hello everyone...I'm new to this board after reading many postings on various websites and books, I just want to talk to someone who is going thru the same things as I am.

 

My story begins Nov 2006 when I met MM thru a mutual friend that works with him on the railroad. I was told that he was married from the get-go and that was not something I didn't know and had no intentions of getting involved. We began talking while out with our friend and some others, and we hit it off immediately and had a lot in common, just friendly conversation and no intentions of getting into anything whatsoever...So, we all head back to his house (wife was out of town w/kids) and we all were having drinks and conversation. It was a great time for everyone. We were left alone and he asked me to dance with him, and I agreed, and we shared a kiss that had us both like WTF just happened here....so, thats where it began. We started texting, calling, talking a lot and becoming closer and then we started to see each other more often.

 

Things started getting more intense as the months go on til Feb 07 when wife started getting suspicious b/c his cell was always locked...she checked the records and saw my # on there and called me, to which I denied anything was happening between us...She asked him for a separation, and he being as cunning as he is weaseled his way out of that one. So, fast forward things were a little bit rough for awhile between us but we continued on and the talks of him leaving became more frequent and we were getting somewhere. Well, May comes and he lives down the road from me 2 miles in the city. He stopped by my house to visit before going to work and my doorbell rings and its W....She's obviously extremely hurt, pissed and to make it worse their 5 & 3 year old daughters were in the van. I stayed inside my house while they argued in the front yard of my condo....Well, I thought she left, came outside and she stopped the van and got out and told me that he was going to need a place to live....And tells him "your kids want you to say goodbye to them"...so, it was just gut-wrenching.

 

Anyway, nothing happens, she says nothing of it for weeks. His sis got married in Florida (we live in IN) a couple weeks after and both were in the wedding and a family vacay planned for Disney World was also in the works and so they went about that as they planned....the day they got back was a friend of his b-day and we met up at a local bar for the party and W showed up. We were sitting on the patio and she came out an immediately got into his face (rightfully so) and called me a dirty whore...So, the next thing I know, theres alcohol involved she confronts me and I told her the truth, which I find that he wasn't doing at all...She asked me all the ?'s like have I been around the kids, does he love me, have we been intimate, etc...And I didn't lie. So, she promptly went home and packed his clothes and told him not to come home. So, MM and I leave together and go to a mutual friends home...It was a disasterous night. MM was so angry and hurt by what I had said to his W, which I know that he was just trying to play both sides of the fence and keep us both in the pic b/c he doesn't want to choose.

 

So, she kicks him out....we are still seeing each other and things seem to be going really great for us. And in the meantime, she went home to KY w/the kids for 2 weeks to figure out her next move. So, I'm thinking that this marriage is done, he is too and we are discussing OUR next moves. On the day she is to come back he drops the bomb on me that he misses the kids and he wants them back and that he thinks that things should be over between us b/c he doesn't want to lose his children......which in essence obviously includes her...So, I was completely devastated and I cried my eyes out and spent a week in the behavioral health unit to deal with the whole falling apart and keep from drinking myself insane.

 

So, I get out...he starts texting again..I hope youre okay, etc...and this is after wife comes back...b/c thats what HE wanted...Shes not making it easy tho mind you and she shouldnt, but thats what HE chose...So, we are right back into things hot & heavy again....

 

The year mark has passed, the hellacious holidays, and now here we are at the beginning of a new year and things haven't changed...She's still suspicous of him, and she should be b/c he has changed nothing.

 

Im starting to doubt myself as a woman and a strong person. What kind of person am I that I allow someone who hurt me so deeply to come back into my life so easily? I know in my mind that HE would never leave b/c he doesn't have to as long as I and she play by his RULES or GAME...and Im just not sure why in the hell I'm so weak, and have a terrible self-esteem that I continue this. I'm 28 years old. I have a beautiful family & friend circle, I have a great career, education, home, and support system. But I'm still involved in this man, who I do love deeply and care for that we both have put each other thru absolute hell. I don't understand how HE can keep up the lies to everyone and live the double life...knowing what he faces to lose when thats not what he wants...I think he's narcicisstic, mysoginystic personality at times...He has no regard unless hes caught...then he's like a whipped pup.

 

And I do love him...he doesn't treat me terribly, and we are pretty close as friends, but just crossing the bridge to more than that has proved to be a very huge challenge. I want him to leave W and start a future with me. I do know the realities of the situation and said that first step after divorce is final is straight to counselling for both of us b/c its a huge step to make. And I don't think he wants to leave unless she files for a divorce and makes him. He has it pretty good is the bottom line....

 

I know I need a therapist...I'd just like to hear your feedback and thoughts too.

Edited January 8, 2008 by Rlehouse

[bentnotbroken]

Hello everyone...I'm new to this board after reading many postings on various websites and books, I just want to talk to someone who is going thru the same things as I am.

 

My story begins Nov 2006 when I met MM thru a mutual friend that works with him on the railroad. I was told that he was married from the get-go and that was not something I didn't know and had no intentions of getting involved. We began talking while out with our friend and some others, and we hit it off immediately and had a lot in common, just friendly conversation and no intentions of getting into anything whatsoever...So, we all head back to his house (wife was out of town w/kids) and we all were having drinks and conversation. It was a great time for everyone. We were left alone and he asked me to dance with him, and I agreed, and we shared a kiss that had us both like WTF just happened here....so, thats where it began. We started texting, calling, talking a lot and becoming closer and then we started to see each other more often.

 

Things started getting more intense as the months go on til Feb 07 when wife started getting suspicious b/c his cell was always locked...she checked the records and saw my # on there and called me, to which I denied anything was happening between us...She asked him for a separation, and he being as cunning as he is weaseled his way out of that one. So, fast forward things were a little bit rough for awhile between us but we continued on and the talks of him leaving became more frequent and we were getting somewhere. Well, May comes and he lives down the road from me 2 miles in the city. He stopped by my house to visit before going to work and my doorbell rings and its W....She's obviously extremely hurt, pissed and to make it worse their 5 & 3 year old daughters were in the van. I stayed inside my house while they argued in the front yard of my condo....Well, I thought she left, came outside and she stopped the van and got out and told me that he was going to need a place to live....And tells him "your kids want you to say goodbye to them"...so, it was just gut-wrenching.

 

Anyway, nothing happens, she says nothing of it for weeks. His sis got married in Florida (we live in IN) a couple weeks after and both were in the wedding and a family vacay planned for Disney World was also in the works and so they went about that as they planned....the day they got back was a friend of his b-day and we met up at a local bar for the party and W showed up. We were sitting on the patio and she came out an immediately got into his face (rightfully so) and called me a dirty whore...So, the next thing I know, theres alcohol involved she confronts me and I told her the truth, which I find that he wasn't doing at all...She asked me all the ?'s like have I been around the kids, does he love me, have we been intimate, etc...And I didn't lie. So, she promptly went home and packed his clothes and told him not to come home. So, MM and I leave together and go to a mutual friends home...It was a disasterous night. MM was so angry and hurt by what I had said to his W, which I know that he was just trying to play both sides of the fence and keep us both in the pic b/c he doesn't want to choose.

 

So, she kicks him out....we are still seeing each other and things seem to be going really great for us. And in the meantime, she went home to KY w/the kids for 2 weeks to figure out her next move. So, I'm thinking that this marriage is done, he is too and we are discussing OUR next moves. On the day she is to come back he drops the bomb on me that he misses the kids and he wants them back and that he thinks that things should be over between us b/c he doesn't want to lose his children......which in essence obviously includes her...So, I was completely devastated and I cried my eyes out and spent a week in the behavioral health unit to deal with the whole falling apart and keep from drinking myself insane.

 

So, I get out...he starts texting again..I hope youre okay, etc...and this is after wife comes back...b/c thats what HE wanted...Shes not making it easy tho mind you and she shouldnt, but thats what HE chose...So, we are right back into things hot & heavy again....

 

The year mark has passed, the hellacious holidays, and now here we are at the beginning of a new year and things haven't changed...She's still suspicous of him, and she should be b/c he has changed nothing.

 

Im starting to doubt myself as a woman and a strong person. What kind of person am I that I allow someone who hurt me so deeply to come back into my life so easily? I know in my mind that HE would never leave b/c he doesn't have to as long as I and she play by his RULES or GAME...and Im just not sure why in the hell I'm so weak, and have a terrible self-esteem that I continue this. I'm 28 years old. I have a beautiful family & friend circle, I have a great career, education, home, and support system. But I'm still involved in this man, who I do love deeply and care for that we both have put each other thru absolute hell. I don't understand how HE can keep up the lies to everyone and live the double life...knowing what he faces to lose when thats not what he wants...I think he's narcicisstic, mysoginystic personality at times...He has no regard unless hes caught...then he's like a whipped pup.

 

And I do love him...he doesn't treat me terribly, and we are pretty close as friends, but just crossing the bridge to more than that has proved to be a very huge challenge. I want him to leave W and start a future with me. I do know the realities of the situation and said that first step after divorce is final is straight to counselling for both of us b/c its a huge step to make.

 

I know I need a therapist...I'd just like to hear your feedback and thoughts too.

 

 

 

Move on before someone really gets hurt. Mentally and physically. It sounds as if his wife doesn't play. He is a jerk and you deserve better than to be some nooky on the side.

[norajane]

I want him to leave W and start a future with me. I do know the realities of the situation and said that first step after divorce is final is straight to counselling for both of us b/c its a huge step to make. And I don't think he wants to leave unless she files for a divorce and makes him.

 

Divorce? What divorce? His wife kicked him out and he went back - he's not planning to get a divorce, not now and not later.

 

The only way he'll divorce is if his wife divorces him. So maybe you can tell his wife the truth again, so she knows that the affair has continued all along and she'll go through with a divorce this time. Otherwise, he will keep you on the side as long as you allow him to.

[SeraBella]

And I do love him...he doesn't treat me terribly, and we are pretty close as friends, but just crossing the bridge to more than that has proved to be a very huge challenge. I want him to leave W and start a future with me. I do know the realities of the situation and said that first step after divorce is final is straight to counselling for both of us b/c its a huge step to make. And I don't think he wants to leave unless she files for a divorce and makes him. He has it pretty good is the bottom line....

 

I know I need a therapist...I'd just like to hear your feedback and thoughts too.

 

He doesn't treat you terribly????? What do you call this?

 

The man has no regard for any woman whatsoever.

 

The realities of the situation are that he will never be with you completely. Even if she would divorce him, he would constantly be trying to get back with her.

 

Also, your affair started the same night you met him. If you were eventually exclusive, do you really think he won't go out some night and find another woman? He knew he was trying to get in your pants the moment he asked you to dance. There was no "WTF" moment for him. It was planned out in his mind as soon as he thought he had a chance.

 

You DO need to see a therapist. Now. Go straight there, do not pass go, do not collect $200. And you need to get him out of your life.

 

You really need to work on some self respect. This man has wittled it down to next to nothing for you.

[lost4ever]

Hey, welcome to the OW support forum....

 

also welcome to the F'uped world of cheating, by now you know it is horrible and you need to get your feelings for him out of the way.

He more than likely was playing you from the get, he didn't fall hoplessly in love with you, he had a plan and now you are getting shoved out (unless of course you agree to go deep undercover) which is what he is wanting you to do.......these kind of men suck!

 

You know what you have to do, and I know it is really really hard, relationships that end without running the course seem to hurt a great deal more....but you have to get him out of your life and fast!!

[OWoman]

I think you have a number of choices.

 

You could carry on as things are. This is what he wants - his W and kids at home, his OW on the side. But because you want more, you're likely to be frustrated with that option.

 

You could try to get more. You saw him run home when he had the chance to make a break, so you know it would need to come from his W's side if there was to be a split. So you could update her, force the issue. You've seen what happens then, too - he'll be angry and hurt with you, and will feel robbed of his family and will be with you as a second choice, yearning for them and not really committed to you. Are those really the conditions under which you'd want him?

 

Or you could walk away. If you can't have him on your terms, you could decide you're not prepared to play along on his, and leave before you suffer any further.

 

A tough choice R but I don't see any other options out there.

[frannie]

... she checked the records and saw my # on there and called me, to which I denied anything was happening between us...She asked him for a separation, and he being as cunning as he is weaseled his way out of that one.

 

So, fast forward... my doorbell rings and its W....She's obviously extremely hurt, pissed and to make it worse their 5 & 3 year old daughters were in the van. I stayed inside my house while they argued in the front yard of my condo.... tells him "your kids want you to say goodbye to them".

 

[later]... she confronts me and I told her the truth, which I find that he wasn't doing at all...She asked me all the ?'s like have I been around the kids, does he love me, have we been intimate, etc...And I didn't lie. So, she promptly went home and packed his clothes and told him not to come home.

 

MM was so angry and hurt by what I had said to his W, which I know that he was just trying to play both sides of the fence and keep us both in the pic b/c he doesn't want to choose.

 

On the day she is to come back he drops the bomb on me that he misses the kids and he wants them back and that he thinks that things should be over between us b/c he doesn't want to lose his children......

 

So, I get out...he starts texting again..So, we are right back into things hot & heavy again....

 

What kind of person am I that I allow someone who hurt me so deeply to come back into my life so easily?

 

I know in my mind that HE would never leave b/c he doesn't have to as long as I and she play by his RULES or GAME...and Im just not sure why in the hell I'm so weak, and have a terrible self-esteem that I continue this...

 

... I don't understand how HE can keep up the lies to everyone and live the double life...knowing what he faces to lose when thats not what he wants...I think he's narcicisstic, mysoginystic personality at times...He has no regard unless hes caught...then he's like a whipped pup.

 

And I do love him...

 

I want him to leave W and start a future with me. I do know the realities of the situation and said that first step after divorce is final is straight to counselling for both of us b/c its a huge step to make. And I don't think he wants to leave unless she files for a divorce and makes him. He has it pretty good is the bottom line....

 

I know I need a therapist...I'd just like to hear your feedback and thoughts too.

 

Hello there.

 

Well you say it right there in your post. You want him to leave and start a future with you. But you know he will not leave while you are playing by his rules. Also, he will keep going back to her as long as she uses the children in the way she is doing. Also, he is prepared to lie and hide his feelings and actions in order to get what he wants, which is to maintain the status quo and not make any decisions by himself. Difficult situation, so what do you do?

 

I don't think there's a hope in hell of him leaving while things are as they are. While you continue to give in and see him and he leads you a merry dance.

 

Breaking things off with him might get a reaction from him, and he might flip-flop again out of the house. But he's emotionally not very strong. I don't know whether he's got other problems, but while she's able to play the guilt card with the children, he's going to keep going back, even if he manages to leave I think.

 

The only hope would perhaps be IC, in order for him to decide what he wants from life. However, I don't really see anything in your post to indicate that he's torn about leaving.. what do you think? It seems more like he left because she rejected him over his cheating. And he was actually hurt that you came clean..? I'm not sure what you said to his W but you know, you had every right to tell her what she was asking and end the madness. As you say, he "has it pretty good"... And he's had more than one chance now to leave, if he could do it as things stand.

 

I think you need to step back and try to get some perspective here. It's all very well him calling you and saying he needs you, but what does he need you as?

 

If he wants you, he has to get his life in order, surely? Tell him that.

 

Oh, and as for what's 'wrong' with you? Affairs do this kind of thing to rational people, believe me

Edited January 9, 2008 by frannie
adding

[precious1357]

Listen, you are young and have life ahead of you. Trust me but more than me, trust God, YOU WILL GET OVER THIS...hang on until A NEW SINGLE man comes on...I'm telling you from experience, life gets better and you do not have to cry. I'm older and I would not want my 28 year old to go through this hell....

[Rlehouse]

Thank you too all of you who have replied to my posting...I heard some things that I needed to hear and I already knew, but was just not really facing nor taking seriously.

 

I have some pretty big decisions to make and some work to do on myself at this point in time and thanks for being non-judgemental towards me and offering honest & open opinions.