Florida Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Never underestimate the power of denial. It's hard to think someone you love would do that to you. It doesnt have to be underground at all. It's all about the word trust. So, in order for your theory to work... trust must be absent. Else he will feel only as though they hit a rough time which he can ride through. True, but trust only goes so far when a new *friend* of the opposite sex comes into the picture. We could debate on chicken or the egg, but that in and of itself is a bad omen. Why did she need this new friend? What about her existing friends? Hey-this new friend call a lot-trust is as trust does.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 True, but trust only goes so far when a new *friend* of the opposite sex comes into the picture. We could debate on chicken or the egg, but that in and of itself is a bad omen. Why did she need this new friend? What about her existing friends? Hey-this new friend call a lot-trust is as trust does. LOL... that's easy for you and I to say. We tend to be the "trust no one" types becuase we are cynical about human nature and don't make exceptions for our SO. Plus, she did whatever she needed to do to hide this from him. Sometimes things are best hidden in plain site.
Author Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 It's not your fault, but the question does arise of why you were not connected enough to her to feel that this connection was being established somewhere else, it isn't your fault but it does beg to be asked why there was such a wide gap between you that this relationship with EA man did not alarm you nor make you jealous enough to want to ask questions. I don't know the details, but when someone is forming a connection with someone, unless it is SO underground, and hidden, it should have made you uncomfortable. That you didn't get angry initially shows that something was really wrong in your connection/reading of one another. Again, I don't condone it, nor does anyone *deserve* it. The EA was long distance over the phone with a man she used to date 26 yrs ago. They have stayed in touch off and on through letters and phone calls. I did not know about the letters until this year. And I got very angry when I found out.
Florida Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 The EA was long distance over the phone with a man she used to date 26 yrs ago. They have stayed in touch off and on through letters and phone calls. I did not know about the letters until this year. And I got very angry when I found out. I'm sorry to hear that plano, that is the worst kind, if it can actually be divided into categories of worst to least worst . So it was underground, out of sight. Meaning a lot of thought was put into deceiving you. Sorry, I thought it was more out in the open, developing under your nose, from the original post. Well I hope you left her, even if I had 20 years of kids and marriage under my belt-mark my words I would end it. In fact, that's even worse-to do that to the person who is other parent of your children.
stampdaddy Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 It just dawned on me while reading another thread. I missed the signs....they were there. So did I create the atmosphere that was condusive for her EA? He gave her attention, effection and everything she was missing with me. He paid attention to her, treated her like a woman and not a sister as she claimed I was doing. He made her feel good even if it was only over the phone. I supplied the other day to day needs. So am I to share blame for the EA? Is there a time and place for an EA to snap the spouse back in line? Make them see what they are doing wrong? Did I deserve what I got? Is her mouth sewn shut? Can she not write? Communicate at all???
Owl Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I don't understand why the idea of divorcing BEFORE you go to someone else is so difficult for some people to get. I also don't get how its IMPOSSIBLE to physically move out if you're ready to seperate with someone. Maybe you can't afford it. So...no friends that can help? No family at all? Have you gotten a job, started saving money, and clearly told your spouse that the reason you're working and saving money is so that you CAN leave them? I've never met someone who was physically attached to the place they live. There can ALWAYS be a way to leave...sometimes its just not the way you like. To me...if you aren't in love, and you're 'going to cheat'...then move the heck out and start the paperwork NOW...BEFORE you do anything else. I've spent most of my life broke...but when things need to happen, I've found ways to make them happen. And as far as 'missing the signs'...nope. Still doesn't make the affair 'your fault'. The unhappy spouse could have taken any number of other steps to address the issue...INSISTED on marriage counselling, moving out, etc... Instead...they cheated.
bish Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 It just dawned on me while reading another thread. I missed the signs....they were there. So did I create the atmosphere that was condusive for her EA? Absolutely not...because if that is true then what created an atmosphere that was condusive for her EA would be one of trust and being an understanding, non-controlling husband. If what you say is true, then a trusting environement gives cheaters enough rope to hang themselves with. And in my sitch it was definitely true. I was too trusting and it was taken advantage of...so no longer will that fool ever surface again.
bish Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I am a firm believer that it is NEVER the BS's fault! and I wouldn't dwell on what YOU could have done different! that's all I have to say Well being an X-BS I agree with you for the most part...maybe with the exception of a spouse abusing you at home...hitting you over the head with a frying pan....then the BS is definitely not innocent. But that still doesn't excuse cheating...if things get so bad you have to cheat...then these people need to grow some b@lls and get the hell out of the relationship. Really...if it is sooooo bad they feel the need to cheat...then leave.
bish Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 When she would tell me I treated her like a sister I would work at treating her like I thought she wanted to be. I am not going to say it lasted though. We have talked about our relationship alot and it has been brought up by my wife that I am the one who has done all the changing, correcting and doing things to make things work between us. Maybe their is one major change you really need to make......your marital status.
cj1988 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 She did it because she could, she thought you would never find out and to most idiots and EA is not cheating, so they feel no guilt. She was being selfish and remember anything that you cannot do or say to the opposite sex in front of your S is probably wrong. When you have to hide a relationship, even if you are "just friends" something is wrong. When a relationship is a secret, it is wrong !
michaelk Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 If your spouse is really unhappy, and you don't know it, either they are a VERY good actor, or you're blind as a bat. Or you're so unhappy/depressed that it doesn't register with you what your spouse is feeling.
Author Planofool Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Absolutely not...because if that is true then what created an atmosphere that was condusive for her EA would be one of trust and being an understanding, non-controlling husband. If what you say is true, then a trusting environement gives cheaters enough rope to hang themselves with. And in my sitch it was definitely true. I was too trusting and it was taken advantage of...so no longer will that fool ever surface again. Hence the name I use here. PlanoFOOL Plano is where he lives and the rest is history.
michaelk Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 You share the blame for the condition of the marriage, but not for her decision to cheat. This is how I see it.
bish Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Hence the name I use here. PlanoFOOL Plano is where he lives and the rest is history. Well...just don't ever be played for a fool again. Lay some ground rules. It isn't unrealistic to expect your wife to act like....well......a wife.
Rooster_DAR Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I also agree with reboot! If the unhappy person in the marriage knows there's a problem, is it not also their responsibility to take corrective action instead of contributing to the demise of the commitment? Every situation is different, but ultimately you made a commitment to the other person. An EA offers no remedy for the relationship, but instead only compounds the problem exponentially. If abuse, loss of life, or long term mental degradation is involved then a dissolving of the marriage should be considered. Unfortunately many people don't know how to handle their situation and make the mistake of straying from their partner in desperate need of having their needs met. The strayer is to blame for making things worse with the affair, but I do agree the other spouse needs to understand how they contributed to the estrangement.
Frances Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 I also agree with reboot! If the unhappy person in the marriage knows there's a problem, is it not also their responsibility to take corrective action instead of contributing to the demise of the commitment? Every situation is different, but ultimately you made a commitment to the other person. An EA offers no remedy for the relationship, but instead only compounds the problem exponentially. If abuse, loss of life, or long term mental degradation is involved then a dissolving of the marriage should be considered. Unfortunately many people don't know how to handle their situation and make the mistake of straying from their partner in desperate need of having their needs met. The strayer is to blame for making things worse with the affair, but I do agree the other spouse needs to understand how they contributed to the estrangement. I think what you have said makes very good sense. In my case had my h been willing to deal with the problems we had which I was well aware of i.e legal problems (not of our making),too many kids, lack of money but mostly time and energy to communicate. The odd thing is that our sex life was reasonably okay which was most likely why he had an EA and not a PA. We were in the trouble together and we should have dealt with it together, instead he did make things so much worse. We have have recovered from those problems but we are or I should say I am left with the pain that his EA has caused.
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