reboot Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If your spouse is really unhappy, and you don't know it, either they are a VERY good actor, or you're blind as a bat.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Once again, if the communication isn't there, then there are far bigger problems than just whether or not one or the other is considering cheating. I cant really thing of a bigger problem right off the top of my head. Is'nt that the number one dealbreaker in most relationships? Remember... its your responsibility to make sure you are heard... and heard correctly. Especially if your unhappy and your partner is content. Reboot's comment only applies in special circumstances... and it's no attitude I recomend a BS take, unless they want to reconcile.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If your spouse is really unhappy, and you don't know it, either they are a VERY good actor, or you're blind as a bat. or you don't give a crap.
Author Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Once again, if the communication isn't there, then there are far bigger problems than just whether or not one or the other is considering cheating. Communication has never been a problem between my wife and I. She will tell you that most problems in our relationship were resolved because I would not let them go without being resolved. I made sure we did not go to bed mad without resolution for more than one night. I can't function being mad for long.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I cant really thing of a bigger problem right off the top of my head. Is'nt that the number one dealbreaker in most relationships? Remember... its your responsibility to make sure you are heard... and heard correctly. Especially if your unhappy and your partner is content. Reboot's comment only applies in special circumstances... and it's no attitude I recomend a BS take, unless they want to reconcile. I would think a slab of fresh from the oven baked brie slamming against ones head would convey a hint about a spouse being unhappy. Some people don't want to admit there is anything wrong on their end of things. They just won't. Hallmark could make a fortune with cards to convey "unhappiness" with a spouse.
lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 OK, then why do you think you missed signs the A was going to happen if you talked everything out???
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I would think a slab of fresh from the oven baked brie slamming against ones head would convey a hint about a spouse being unhappy. Some people don't want to admit there is anything wrong on their end of things. They just won't. Hallmark could make a fortune with cards to convey "unhappiness" with a spouse. Let me be clear in this situation. Your leaving, left, gone! You dont have to wait for the paperwork to get on with your life. However, get the ball rolling with as much openess and honesty as you can afford... and dont change your mind!
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Let me be clear in this situation. Your leaving, left, gone! You dont have to wait for the paperwork to get on with your life. However, get the ball rolling with as much openess and honesty as you can afford... and dont change your mind! The point is : Some people believe because they themselves are content they will ignore any sign or information to the contrary given by a STBWS spouse. Crystal clear communication can be ignored. At that point the blame of an affair involves both parties 50/50 IMHO.
Author Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 When she would tell me I treated her like a sister I would work at treating her like I thought she wanted to be. I am not going to say it lasted though. We have talked about our relationship alot and it has been brought up by my wife that I am the one who has done all the changing, correcting and doing things to make things work between us. If the signs were there and I addressed the problems she brought to my attention am I responsible for not following up or asking if things were better? I would think she would have said something like......in the beginning you were better but you have lost site of your goal. Maybe I wasn't changing enough.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 When she would tell me I treated her like a sister I would work at treating her like I thought she wanted to be. I am not going to say it lasted though. We have talked about our relationship alot and it has been brought up by my wife that I am the one who has done all the changing, correcting and doing things to make things work between us. If the signs were there and I addressed the problems she brought to my attention am I responsible for not following up or asking if things were better? I would think she would have said something like......in the beginning you were better but you have lost site of your goal. Maybe I wasn't changing enough. You can't read her mind, and I don't care what you could have done supposedly please do not in any way blame yourself. Forsaking all others means just that.
Author Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Maybe I didn't miss the sign.Maybe I just didn't react the way she wanted me to.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Maybe I didn't miss the sign.Maybe I just didn't react the way she wanted me to. I never believe in reacting the way some one wants you to. It's too fake and them being selfish.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Maybe I didn't miss the sign.Maybe I just didn't react the way she wanted me to. Why didn't you ask her what she needs, likes, wants, and how she would like you to treat her? And yes you do need to check in and ask "hey, how are we doing?"
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 The point is : Some people believe because they themselves are content they will ignore any sign or information to the contrary given by a STBWS spouse. Crystal clear communication can be ignored. At that point the blame of an affair involves both parties 50/50 IMHO. No, the point is that you are ending your marriage and will not look back. This isnt about you cheating. This is about you walking away. That friend is an enormous difference!
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 No, the point is that you are ending your marriage and will not look back. This isnt about you cheating. This is about you walking away. That friend is an enormous difference! That is your view..... My H would still consider it cheating if I moved out today and had sex tonight. As long as there is paper..... I am a cheater. I won't be physically leaving for quite some time. Likely I will be having an A in a matter of months. I guess it is not cheating if you don't hide it or the intentions to do so?
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 That is your view..... My H would still consider it cheating if I moved out today and had sex tonight. As long as there is paper..... I am a cheater. I won't be physically leaving for quite some time. Likely I will be having an A in a matter of months. I guess it is not cheating if you don't hide it or the intentions to do so? What the hell is your problem A4A, why are you so self destructive??? Why not give it time, if it doesnt change, then file for divorce / and or seperation. Why do him dirty? Has he done wrong to you?
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 What the hell is your problem A4A, why are you so self destructive??? Why not give it time, if it doesnt change, then file for divorce / and or seperation. Why do him dirty? Has he done wrong to you? Time is up. I don't plan on sit around rotting. As for a list of wrong doings.... guess you don't know the background. There are many worse things people can do to you besides smack you or cheat on you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Time is up. I don't plan on sit around rotting. As for a list of wrong doings.... guess you don't know the background. There are many worse things people can do to you besides smack you or cheat on you. Of course but give us a little background let's see if it cant be fixed. If it can I'm gonna call BS and if it cant then it can't.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Of course but give us a little background let's see if it cant be fixed. If it can I'm gonna call BS and if it cant then it can't. The horse has already been shot.... but thanks.
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 The horse has already been shot.... but thanks. Aight if it's what you want? then it's your choice. I'm cool with it. if you are.
Woggle Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Of course it is not all your fault. Some women are really good at blaming a man for everything and making him apologize for his existence yet even when he does it is still not good enough for her. Don't let her make you fall for this trap. It just sounds like you are married to an unpleasable woman and there are plenty of those. Not all women are like this but their numbers are large.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Of course it is not all your fault. Some women are really good at blaming a man for everything and making him apologize for his existence yet even when he does it is still not good enough for her. Don't let her make you fall for this trap. It just sounds like you are married to an unpleasable woman and there are plenty of those. Not all women are like this but their numbers are large. I see some improvement here.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 That is your view..... My H would still consider it cheating if I moved out today and had sex tonight. As long as there is paper..... I am a cheater. I won't be physically leaving for quite some time. Likely I will be having an A in a matter of months. I guess it is not cheating if you don't hide it or the intentions to do so? Who cares what your H thinks. If he says the earth is flat... does that make it true? I would recommend physically moving... but I can understand if that's not possible. Be open about it... but not to the point where your flaunting it. And for heaven's sake if you make the choice to start up with someone else... do not go back to you H under any circumstances. Now... do you understand what makes you different?
Florida Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 It's not your fault, but the question does arise of why you were not connected enough to her to feel that this connection was being established somewhere else, it isn't your fault but it does beg to be asked why there was such a wide gap between you that this relationship with EA man did not alarm you nor make you jealous enough to want to ask questions. I don't know the details, but when someone is forming a connection with someone, unless it is SO underground, and hidden, it should have made you uncomfortable. That you didn't get angry initially shows that something was really wrong in your connection/reading of one another. Again, I don't condone it, nor does anyone *deserve* it.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 It's not your fault, but the question does arise of why you were not connected enough to her to feel that this connection was being established somewhere else, it isn't your fault but it does beg to be asked why there was such a wide gap between you that this relationship with EA man did not alarm you nor make you jealous enough to want to ask questions. I don't know the details, but when someone is forming a connection with someone, unless it is SO underground, and hidden, it should have made you uncomfortable. That you didn't get angry initially shows that something was really wrong in your connection/reading of one another. Again, I don't condone it, nor does anyone *deserve* it. Never underestimate the power of denial. It's hard to think someone you love would do that to you. It doesnt have to be underground at all. It's all about the word trust. So, in order for your theory to work... trust must be absent. Else he will feel only as though they hit a rough time which he can ride through.
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