Planofool Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 It just dawned on me while reading another thread. I missed the signs....they were there. So did I create the atmosphere that was condusive for her EA? He gave her attention, effection and everything she was missing with me. He paid attention to her, treated her like a woman and not a sister as she claimed I was doing. He made her feel good even if it was only over the phone. I supplied the other day to day needs. So am I to share blame for the EA? Is there a time and place for an EA to snap the spouse back in line? Make them see what they are doing wrong? Did I deserve what I got?
lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I am a firm believer that it is NEVER the BS's fault! and I wouldn't dwell on what YOU could have done different! that's all I have to say
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 It just dawned on me while reading another thread. I missed the signs....they were there. So did I create the atmosphere that was condusive for her EA? He gave her attention, effection and everything she was missing with me. He paid attention to her, treated her like a woman and not a sister as she claimed I was doing. He made her feel good even if it was only over the phone. I supplied the other day to day needs. So am I to share blame for the EA? Is there a time and place for an EA to snap the spouse back in line? Make them see what they are doing wrong? Did I deserve what I got? She needs to take responsibility 100% of the affair it's on her sholders dont let anyone tell you differently.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 She needs to take responsibility 100% of the affair it's on her sholders dont let anyone tell you differently. yes! Perfectly stated! No affair falls on any one in blame but the person who committed the act.
BetrayedMM Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I missed the signs..does that make the A right? No. No excuse.
reboot Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You share the blame for the condition of the marriage, but not for her decision to cheat.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I cannot agree with the others 100%. If she point blank gave the information that things were lacking in the M. She gave you the information and the opp. to correct them..... and you chose to ignore it. Well then yes you are partially to blame. Signs are quite different from a person telling you I need you to treat me this way.
cj1988 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 NO, she is the blame......not you at all. There is NO excuse to cheat on your S, period.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 NO, she is the blame......not you at all. There is NO excuse to cheat on your S, period. Exactly. I don't care who said what or felt this or that cheating is NEVER an option. Never.
Mustang Sally Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You share the blame for the condition of the marriage, but not for her decision to cheat. I think this is one of the better ways to word it, IMO. Thanks, reboot.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think this is one of the better ways to word it, IMO. Thanks, reboot. I agree... but if one continues to ignore things when information is plainly presented by a spouse- that becomes a choice of the future BS to move things toward a spouse having an affair. ehhh........ you know what I mean.
lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think this is one of the better ways to word it, IMO. Thanks, reboot. I don't agree, just another way for BS to try and take some kind of responsability......Most don't even know the WS is unhappy....and they sure as hell can't read minds....I am for working on a marriage after an affair and I am for the BS/WS working on making the M better, but I do not believe that the WS has any reason to believe the A was caused by any action (or lack there of) on their part.
BetrayedMM Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Yeah... but... being told point blank sure ain't "missed the signs". Many times, the only indication of problems in the relationship is the discovery of an A, from the perspective of the BS. And, again, I maintain that there are no reasonable excuses to begin with. There are other, less destructive, more sane options in any situation you can think of. Cheating is always the wrong choice.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I don't agree, just another way for BS to try and take some kind of responsability......Most don't even know the WS is unhappy....and they sure as hell can't read minds....I am for working on a marriage after an affair and I am for the BS/WS working on making the M better, but I do not believe that the WS has any reason to believe the A was caused by any action (or lack there of) on their part. Well if and when I have a A my H surely will know why. He chose to ignore the communication. What did he expect me to sit around and do nothing?
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Well if and when I have a A my H surely will know why. He chose to ignore the communication. What did he expect me to sit around and do nothing? But in a marriage if things get to the point where you're wanting to cheat you leave! (not you personally, anybody)
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 But in a marriage if things get to the point where you're wanting to cheat you leave! (not you personally, anybody) I don't want or feel the need to cheat but if I stumbled upon it I likely would at this point. My H is aware of this..... talk about clear communication!
Mustang Sally Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) I don't agree, just another way for BS to try and take some kind of responsability......Most don't even know the WS is unhappy....and they sure as hell can't read minds....I am for working on a marriage after an affair and I am for the BS/WS working on making the M better, but I do not believe that the WS has any reason to believe the A was caused by any action (or lack there of) on their part. I think it certainly varies from situation to situation. I am similar to a4a in this regard. My H knew point blank that I was considering an A, because I told him. I told him for years that I thought we needed MC, before I got to the point of telling him about thinking about having an A. It took me asking him for a separation before he woke up, came to the table, and has been working on our M issues since. In my case, his initial lack of acknowledging that my meter was pegged with our M issues (the years of asking for MC) led me to think seriously about having an A. I am not condoning that thought (or potential action), but saying that in my case, his (in)action furthered the cause of a flagging relationship. He, too, has responsibility in our M. If I had cheated (which I did not go through with), the culpability for such an action would have rested solely on me. But the degradation of the R on both of us. Again. YMMV, but do not discount the validity of reboot's statement for many situations. Edited January 8, 2008 by Mustang Sally
lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I agree with the different situation thing.... I guess, depending on our circumstances we have different opinions.....After I had an affair my H tried to take blame all the time, it was never his fault....that is why I have the opinion I do....it makes me sad to hear some of the BS on here think that they did something wrong......Now if your spouse tells you I am going to have an affair if you don't shape up...that is a different situation
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I don't want or feel the need to cheat but if I stumbled upon it I likely would at this point. My H is aware of this..... talk about clear communication! Wow that's open if I ever heard it! And he doesn't get his act together eh?
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Wow that's open if I ever heard it! And he doesn't get his act together eh? nope he never will. Maybe if he caught me knockin' boots... nah...... wouldn't matter.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I agree... but if one continues to ignore things when information is plainly presented by a spouse- that becomes a choice of the future BS to move things toward a spouse having an affair. ehhh........ you know what I mean. Whats that old saying about 2 wrongs and a right? You own your actions 100%... the blame game doesnt put you in the right. I think you are a good person, and have wish to change that. So, on that note... I understand the attitude you are conveying. I don't agree, just another way for BS to try and take some kind of responsability......Most don't even know the WS is unhappy....and they sure as hell can't read minds....I am for working on a marriage after an affair and I am for the BS/WS working on making the M better, but I do not believe that the WS has any reason to believe the A was caused by any action (or lack there of) on their part. Hi Lost, I hope that your not implying that you will be happy to return to your marriage just as it was pre-affiar?
bozwa Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I think this is one of the better ways to word it, IMO. Thanks, reboot. I also agree with this wholeheartedly. If the lines of communication would have been open on the part of both parties, the affair may never have happened in the first place. If there was no reconciling the issues, then the proper steps should have been taken before she ever decided to cheat. I've always held the standard for myself such as: if I EVER feel the temptation to cheat, I need to step back, evaluate the relationship I am in, determine whether or not the relationship is worth saving, ivolve my SO, and THEN is the proper things aren't resolved, end the current relationship and move on. I would NEVER cheat on my SO. EVER. There's no reason for it other than plain weakness and disregard for other's feelings.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You share the blame for the condition of the marriage, but not for her decision to cheat. Right on there Reboot!
bozwa Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Most don't even know the WS is unhappy. Once again, if the communication isn't there, then there are far bigger problems than just whether or not one or the other is considering cheating.
a4a Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Whats that old saying about 2 wrongs and a right? You own your actions 100%... the blame game doesnt put you in the right. I think you are a good person, and have wish to change that. So, on that note... I understand the attitude you are conveying. Hi Lost, I hope that your not implying that you will be happy to return to your marriage just as it was pre-affiar? There is no 2 wrongs here.... I was willing to fix it - he chose not to. His choice. Now my choice to enjoy myself with another person or not. I certainly am not going to sit around for a year waiting for a "divorce" paper. I have waited long enough to be treated in a manner that I want. His choice to continue and push me toward finding what I want. I don't feel bad at all. I was/am crystal clear with my communication with him. His choice to neglect it. So he is responsible if he feels any "hurt".
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