amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 So I'm approaching 30 and have a ton in my head and one being motherhood. Am I ready and do I really want it. M concerns are that I"m not very maternal, aside from caring for 2 cats that I adore. I dont babysit, nor have any desire to. Idon't fawn over others' babies and find most unappealing to me. I have no interest in family-like activities and live a very carefree, independent, self-serving, swinging single girl life. And I love it. But I've always thought I wanted kids and should have them but I'm not sure that I'd 1) be a good mother, since I have so many passions and interests outside of the home and 2) that I would even enjoy being a mother and spending so much of my time caring for another and sacraficing so much that I love and being more of a domestic caregiver. But part of me still wants a family of my own and have been holding on to the notion that when its my baby, I'll fall in love and feel different. But what if that doesn't happen?? So how do you know you'll make a good mother? How do you know that its a good choice? I don't wanna do things cause society expects it and everyone else does it. I want to do it cause my heart really wants it. I'm just not sure if my heart really wants it.
LN99 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I can relate. When I was younger, I always thought by now I would be married and have kids. But as I have grown up, things have changed. I am 26 and no where near marriage. I'm not sure if I want that type of commitment yet. Also, I haven't met anyone I would want all of that with. As for kids, I prefer not to do all that alone. Plus, I have seen many of my friends have kids and its A LOT of work! I mean they love them and everything, but you basically say goodbye to your freedom. Your not the center of your own universe anymore...they are. I am a bit selfish yet. I like my "me" time and like to do things when I want to. I figure that I have time yet and maybe when I get into my 30s....I will have a better idea of if I really want that or not. They say that things that are meant to be fall into place. So if its meant to be that you find someone to settle down with and have kids with, it will happen. I know lots of people who didn't really settle down until they were in their 30s. My parents were one example. Only sad thing is that they both died in their 50s... I kinda debate about starting a family that late in life...but many do that and it works out. I even have a few friends who are settled and have kids that say they would never have a kid past 30. But, that is their choice. Some people are ready earlier and some aren't. I think you just have to go with the flow. Maybe all of that isn't for you.....or at least it isn't for now.
Always Wrong Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Some people are ready earlier and some aren't. I think you just have to go with the flow. Maybe all of that isn't for you.....or at least it isn't for now. That's perfect, just like that.
JaneInVegas Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 ... and live a very carefree, independent, self-serving, swinging single girl life. And I love it. I am assuming that at this point in time there isn't a man in your life. This would lead to tough choices like whether or not to be a single mom with or without the mans knowledge, or, wait to meet someone you think would make a good dad. Once you've thought that one out for awhile, it will make a few other pieces of your decision chink into place a little easier. I did not like children at all in my 20's. I had no desire to be a mother, I thought of all babies as poop machines that didn't have a place in my life. After I'd been married to my first husband a few months, something inside my biological clock ticked pretty hard, and suddenly I was almost obsessed with having a baby of my own. I've never bonded very well with other people's babies and toddlers, but my own daughter was exceptionally precious to me. I'm pretty sure if you ask other mothers, they will tell you that there are kids in the world, and then there are their own kids, two totally different things. (I hope that made sense, don't know how else to express that). I guess in other words, how you feel about kids in general is not how you'll feel about your own. Like I said before, figure out the 'male factor' in your life, the rest will fall into place a lot easier.
Meaplus3 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 So I'm approaching 30 and have a ton in my head and one being motherhood. Am I ready and do I really want it. M concerns are that I"m not very maternal, aside from caring for 2 cats that I adore. I dont babysit, nor have any desire to. Idon't fawn over others' babies and find most unappealing to me. I have no interest in family-like activities and live a very carefree, independent, self-serving, swinging single girl life. And I love it. But I've always thought I wanted kids and should have them but I'm not sure that I'd 1) be a good mother, since I have so many passions and interests outside of the home and 2) that I would even enjoy being a mother and spending so much of my time caring for another and sacraficing so much that I love and being more of a domestic caregiver. But part of me still wants a family of my own and have been holding on to the notion that when its my baby, I'll fall in love and feel different. But what if that doesn't happen?? So how do you know you'll make a good mother? How do you know that its a good choice? I don't wanna do things cause society expects it and everyone else does it. I want to do it cause my heart really wants it. I'm just not sure if my heart really wants it. Honestly, You will just know! Motherhood IMOP can not truely be felt until you are in the throw's of it, this is something that I was taught by my mother and she was right! I have three small children and I'm so thankful for them, because I wanted to have them. Trust me you will know in your heart! Best of luck! AP:)
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I truly believe that if you're uncertain, it's not time to have them. Wait and see if your attitude changes and if not, best not to have them. Most definitely, never have them because you feel you should or have children for anyone else beyond your own desire to do so. Children are precious and should be considered as such, not simply a biological right.
a4a Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I truly believe that if you're uncertain, it's not time to have them. Wait and see if your attitude changes and if not, best not to have them. Most definitely, never have them because you feel you should or have children for anyone else beyond your own desire to do so. Children are precious and should be considered as such, not simply a biological right. Very true and not like you can leave an extra bowl of kibble on the floor and leave them at home for the weekend while you take a trip to a ski resort.
Trialbyfire Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Very true and not like you can leave an extra bowl of kibble on the floor and leave them at home for the weekend while you take a trip to a ski resort. Reminds me of one time I was babysitting my oldest nephew. He wasn't crawling yet, so I left him for not more than a minute, on the carpeted hallway floor next to the kitchen. When I rushed back, he had crawled into the kitchen and was trying to eat a cat kibble. The moral of this story is that I obviously wasn't ready for motherhood at the time...
cicada Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 think long and hard before you have a child .. ask yourself why you want to have one ? if you had one now do you really want to deal with a rebellious teenager when you are around 47 ? and deal with college expenses and such in your 50's . when you have a child it is much harder on women . if you have a full life , why the need for children? i have 2 kids. i love them but everyone told me wait till the teenager years .. i said not my kid , he will be great cause i am a cool parent or a better parent and such ~well didnt turn out that way , my teenager makes me crazy , insane ! and he is definitly not who i thought he would be like. i love him but let me tell you it can be extremely difficult . so think long and hard before deciding to have a child. of course nothing wrong with having kids but i am just giving you a head's up on how it could be.
tatiana66 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 I am 41 now and I have a 4-year old daughter that I simply adore. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her first. Nature helps, you know - hormones and all that. Unless you are a very unusual or sick person, you will probably adore your own children and make a tolerably good mother. However: I wanted to have a child, and had known it for many years. I got pregnant accidentaly at 24. I realized it the same day, without needing any tests. My body just knew. It felt wonderful. It was the warmest, fullest, most fulfilling sensation I had ever felt. I knew then that I wanted to have children. I had an abortion then, because I didn't want to have a child at the time (nor by that particular guy). But I decided I would have a child some day, and I did, and have not regretted it - yet! (I'll wait until her teens!). I also lived a life full of activities, I have many hobbies and I like to go out and travel a lot. At 35, though, I felt I had had ehough of all that and could afford to stay home for a couple of years and devote my full attention to my baby. Which I did, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. For almost a year I felt no desire to do anything but take care of my baby. In the first place, it is a natural impulse, and in the second place, I had already enjoyed my freedom enough so I didn't feel I was missing anything. When she turned 3, I started to go out again, dance, travel, enjoy myself - not like before, of course, but quite enough to feel content. It is possible to find an equilibrium between the child's needs and your own. However, life will never be as carefree and easygoing as before, and you need to bear that in mind. I cannot give you any advice, except what so many people have already said - you will probably know it when the time comes (if it comes). And of course you can live a very happy and creative life without children if you prefer it that way. I want to quote something my therapist used to say about children: "children are the only compromise you cannot walk out on". Having children is a great responsibility, and it's for life. Cats only live 15 or 20 years at the most, children live a lot longer than that, and have much more complex needs. You'd better be pretty sure you really want them!
tatiana66 Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 "children are the only compromise you cannot walk out on". This should read "children are the only commitment you cannot walk out on. I wrote "compromise" instead of "commitment". Third language interference, I guess ("compromiso" is commitment in spanish). Sorry.
MissMaris Posted January 12, 2008 Posted January 12, 2008 There are some really interesting books out there that I'd recommend reading; 'The Mask of Motherhood', 'Fruitful', 'I'm OK...You're a Brat', etc. They are written by mothers who discuss the pros...and CONS of having children. Lots of food for thought and I think the fact that you realize how serious a committment having children is is commendable. Too many people plunge in without thinking it over. Some of my friends were unsure about becoming parents,then had children and fell in love with motherhood. Some of my friends were unsure about having children, had them anyway and detested motherhood. Note I said they detested the role of parent....NOT that they detested their children. All women I meet who have kids tell me they love their children and I believe them. I just think that some people don't take well to the demands that motherhood imposes on them. My suggestion is give yourself a year or two to not decide. Live your life to the fullest. Try to enjoy your single time. Trust that your gut and instinct will tell you when it's time to have children.
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