amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I'm approaching 30 and considering everything and this has been bugging me lately. How realistic do you think getting married and making a life-long commitment is these days. I'm in the middle of job searching when it dawns on me how I've gotten bored with every job I've ever had and after a few years want something new. Though, Im not like that with dating. I've dated quite a bit in the past 3+ years and in every situation, it was hard to keep things going. People continue to grow and change and so do their interests wants and needs. I began to think is it realistic to promise to love someone for life, not knowing who you'll chnage into or who your spouse witll change into 5, 10, 15 years down the line? I've never committed to anything in my life and even the commitments I was in for years, there was moments when I wanted out, wanted different, wanted better. How do you then decide to commit to something for life when the chances are good that you will change your mind at some point? The future is just so uncertain and I know the guys I loved 10 years ago, I no longer love. They no longer love me. Thoughts?
MakeLemonade Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 As a newish-ly married person (2.5 years). I agree with the IDEA of making a life-long commitment w/ the right person. Marriage, I am realizing is a long-outdated institution, I hate being married, I feel trapped everyday - being tied legally just complicates everything to the point of killing all the fun. Find your soulmate and settle down together, forever even? YES. Marriage? Eh.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 You are quite right. People change, and one of the things in relationships that people don't understand is this point. I've been told and others have too "You aren't the person I used to know." Of course not. Years later I am different, it is to be expected. I believe you have a commitment phobia. As do many people. How realistic is marriage?? Think of the world we live in. Divorce is so highly accepted. And vows come out like reading a script. People don't really take them as seriously as they used to. I can't say it's realistic or not. It just depends on the person/people I suppose.
Touche Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I can sure relate to you. I used to be exactly the same way. I think you'll change though and even out like I did. I was in my early 30's before I settled down. And really you don't change that much after your early 30's..at least not as much as before. You have a much better chance of picking a job and a man and sticking with it.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 You are quite right. People change, and one of the things in relationships that people don't understand is this point. I've been told and others have too "You aren't the person I used to know." Of course not. Years later I am different, it is to be expected. I believe you have a commitment phobia. As do many people. How realistic is marriage?? Ha! I'm just learning that I'm a bit commitphobic when it comes to marriage. But I just think how I wouldn't commit to a job for life. A house, for life. An outfit, a hairstyle, a car, a mindset, or even a friend FOR LIFE. Seasons change and so do my tastes. How could I commit or love the same person for the rest of my life. Sounds like I'd be setting myself up for a future divorce.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I can sure relate to you. I used to be exactly the same way. I think you'll change though and even out like I did. I was in my early 30's before I settled down. And really you don't change that much after your early 30's..at least not as much as before. You have a much better chance of picking a job and a man and sticking with it. I was talking to another 30-something friend about this and she guessed that another reason why people do choose to marry is because after you've done something for so much time, you get bored and want to move up to the next level. While I like committed dating right now, she guesses, I'll eventually get bored of that and want more. Maybe moving in and if things progress, maybe I'll get to a point where I'll want more than that. To be a wife and make it official. I do admit, I could change and feel deeper about it.
OldEurope Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Dear A, I have been married for a few years now and I love it. And I married, mid thirtyish, "relatively late" (though not in my mind). I gave a lot of long hard thought to marriage, to my personality, what works with my temperament, my highly independent/individualist streak, my goals. My H and I hit it off on all the right levels. How do you know when a man is the proverbial "keeper"? I think it is when a person allows you to be yourself yet at the same time "improves" you, brings out the best in you. You see, as Art Critic writes somewhere, that all the other people who came before you were but a kind of overture to the real thing. You somehow are at peak performance with the person--and no, this does not mean "always" being in the perfect mood or always agreeing with the person. Hell, H and I have had some fantastic, theatrical fights. But our resiliance, the core bond between us....I have not felt this with anyone else so strongly. Do I worry about the long haul? Well I have long had a "monogamous" personality, sort of longer relationships, and then no one at all, periods of celibacy. I did not mind this. I did not "date" or have intimate relations with some field of suitors. Male friends, pals yes for the "attention" but all in all, kind of a one-to-one, long-haul type. Do I find other men attractive or think about going the distance with one person with some worry? Yes on both accounts but then I think about the fundamental "beauty" of marriage---some are going to laugh here. That when something is working very well on the cultural/intellectual/personal/sexual level you want to stop and remember to appreciate that. It is not good to live a life without committments...professional or personal or anything. You are going to find yourself in shallow waters splashing around, never immersed in anything. If you find sticking to something "boring" wait until you see how boring it truly gets always running from one thing (or person) to another. xo OE
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Marriage is not a realistic situation if one goes into it with unrealistic expectations. People want it to be easy and, trust me, it isn't. However, like anything else that you work incredibly hard at, it can be very rewarding. Just be willing to put in the effort and hard work required. Come to think of it, doesn't that make marriage like most things in life? Mr. Lucky
Touche Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I was talking to another 30-something friend about this and she guessed that another reason why people do choose to marry is because after you've done something for so much time, you get bored and want to move up to the next level. While I like committed dating right now, she guesses, I'll eventually get bored of that and want more. Maybe moving in and if things progress, maybe I'll get to a point where I'll want more than that. To be a wife and make it official. I do admit, I could change and feel deeper about it. I agree with your friend. And I'll bet you will go to the "next level" in the next few years. Just live your life and don't worry about it.
michaelk Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If you know yourself well enough to realize you won't be able to stick with a given partner, then don't get married. But if you're going to have kids, you're talking about something completely different. Once children enter the picture, your obligation is to THEM. You should create a stable family environment with a mother and a father. And you'll have to set aside your ideas about what you want and whether you're bored after a while, because it won't be about YOU anymore. So at a minimum, I think marriage still has value when you're committing to creating a family together.
lost4ever Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Only two reasons I can think to get married 1. You want to raise a family 2. You need citizenship Seriously, Nothing wrong with getting married, but if I could do it over again...a life long relationship would be just fine
sally4sara Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I am struggling with this issue right now. I was married and with my ex husband for 8 years. We recently finalized the divorce, but it was over 6 years after we split. Such a nightmare! I have been with my BF (who has never married) for 3 and half years. We have a great relationship and while he always agreed with me that a piece of paper won't make a relationship work, in the last year I could sense that he was thinking about it. I think of him as my partner in every way; he treats me like a partner in every way. But I always felt that making it a legal fact was something I didn't think I would do again. Plus there are the political reasons I am against marriage licensing in the U.S. I support same sex marriage. I may not want to get married, but why deny two people who do based on their gender? What huge disaster are we avoiding by denying them this option? But now, in the last month, we are planning to get married. Its looking like his job will take him to Barcelona in about two years. I have custody of my son legally and physically, so I can move anywhere I need to and take my son with me. His father could try to stop me if I wanted to move for a boyfriend's job, but not a husband's job. Not the most romantic reason, I know, but it has to be done for us to have the relationship we want and pursue the life we want. But the mess that ensued trying to get my last married ended is making me hesitant.
MysticStar Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Hi amethyst3, Well let me tell you a little bit about myself. The first time I saw my wife, I knew she was the woman I was going to marry. I had gone out with a buddy of mine to celebrate his graduation from college. We went to a club and I spotted my wife on the dance floor. I pointed her out to my friend and told him I was going to marry her. I asked her to dance, bought her a drink and to make a long story short, two kids and 25 years later we are still going strong. That being said, it hasn't been easy, it's been a lot of work on both our parts. We've had ups and downs, good times and bad. But we've stuck it out and worked through it all. I think the best way to approach marriage is to make up your mind that it's forever (or until death do you part)...and then decide you're going to do everything you can to make it work. As far as getting bored goes, you'll only get bored if you let yourself get bored. 27 years later my wife is still as hot as ever. Your sex life will ebb & flow, but when it ebbs, you can have fun coming up with ways to re-energize it. So is marriage worth it? I think so. It's a lot of work. There are good times and bad, but it's all worth everyminute of it. Just take care in picking your man. and Good luck
OpenBook Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I support same sex marriage. I may not want to get married, but why deny two people who do based on their gender? What huge disaster are we avoiding by denying them this option? I don't see anything wrong with it either. They have every right to be just as miserable as straight MP. Hey, did you hear about the gay couple who got married a couple years ago (up in the NE somewhere - Maine? Mass?), and recently sought a divorce but were denied it? The issue was something about establishing residency in the state they had gotten married in... How awful! The whole thing is so ridiculous. But seriously, I have known and befriended several same-sex couples who are very stable people and would make excellent parents. And I have never met a child who had gay parents who wasn't happy and extremely well-adjusted. Which brings me to the point of this thread. The way I look at it - and I can only speak for myself - I believe that the only sane reason to get married is if you want to have kids. Period. But then, I haven't met a man who has changed my mind about that (getting married... not having kids). I'm not discounting the possibility that it could happen. I believe I'll know it when I see it. But you know what - if it never happens, I'll be happy. So I agree with the above poster who advised to just go on and live your life, and don't worry about it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with your avoidance of commitment, either - even at 30. It just means you haven't found what you're looking for, yet. Either professionally or personally. Don't worry about it - it'll come when you're ready for it.
HokeyReligions Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I dated and got bored. I was engaged for a while and it broke my heart when we split. But that was over 30 years ago. Hubby and I have been together for over 25 years. We've had the proverbial ups and downs - boredom and stress - but the commitment we made to each other is what binds us and keeps us working at our marriage and we wouldn't have it any other way. Marriage is (well, should be) for keeps and that commitment made to each other and publicly (public record) is what helps keep communication going - keeps our vows to ourselves and to each other forefront in our priorities and our individual lives. The changes we each go through and those we go through together can be fun and challenging and at times traumatic and heart-wrenching - but knowing that the other is there is what pulls us through. Even when angry or hurt - we are each others light at the end of the tunnel. Marriage suits some, not others. Knowing what you know about yourself it sounds like marriage is just not for you - at least not at this stage of your life. Hubby was in his 30's when we married. I was in my 20's. He was a commitment-phobe at the time and it took several years before he even called me by my married name!
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I've never been married... but I was in 2 long-term common-law relationship... (18 and 5 yrs)... I do not believe in marriage.. it's only for the religious people... I cannot see how 2 people can commit 'for life' it's insane and sooo unrealistic... You get bored, like you say, of your job, your hairstyle, your clothes, etc... you cannot 'not get bored' of your partner. The only people I would never get bored are my children and my true friends... (but these are not committed, sexual partners). If you think that you won't get bored once married.. think again... you will...
michaelk Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 The only people I would never get bored are my children and my true friends... (but these are not committed, sexual partners). So when you were in LTRs, you didn't consider your partners to be true friends?
Meaplus3 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I'm approaching 30 and considering everything and this has been bugging me lately. How realistic do you think getting married and making a life-long commitment is these days. I'm in the middle of job searching when it dawns on me how I've gotten bored with every job I've ever had and after a few years want something new. Though, Im not like that with dating. I've dated quite a bit in the past 3+ years and in every situation, it was hard to keep things going. People continue to grow and change and so do their interests wants and needs. I began to think is it realistic to promise to love someone for life, not knowing who you'll chnage into or who your spouse witll change into 5, 10, 15 years down the line? I've never committed to anything in my life and even the commitments I was in for years, there was moments when I wanted out, wanted different, wanted better. How do you then decide to commit to something for life when the chances are good that you will change your mind at some point? The future is just so uncertain and I know the guys I loved 10 years ago, I no longer love. They no longer love me. Thoughts? I think it's very realistic if it's with the right partner. AP:)
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 So when you were in LTRs, you didn't consider your partners to be true friends? No there is a big difference IMO between a SO (partner, lover) and a 'best friend' (female in my case).... Partners come and go... true friends are for life... same with children.
OpenBook Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 No there is a big difference IMO between a SO (partner, lover) and a 'best friend' (female in my case).... Partners come and go... true friends are for life... same with children. And grandchildren. Don't forget the grandchildren.
Lizzie60 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 And grandchildren. Don't forget the grandchildren. hahaha.. oh yes grandchildren...
Touche Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 My husband is my best friend. And no, I'm not bored after 13 years together. Being single bored me though. The only people who think it's "insane" and "unrealistic" to commit for life are those people who sadly have never met the right person for them, or those who simply don't have the personality geared for a true partnership. It's not for everyone. Mystic, I loved your post. It's not a given that you will be bored in a marriage. It really depends on the people involved. Boring people probably get bored more easily.
Pyro Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 The only people who think it's "insane" and "unrealistic" to commit for life are those people who sadly have never met the right person for them, or those who simply don't have the personality geared for a true partnership. It's not for everyone. Mystic, I loved your post. It's not a given that you will be bored in a marriage. It really depends on the people involved. Boring people probably get bored more easily. Well said. Marriage is very realistic, but it is not for everyone.
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