stoneymirror Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 (edited) OVERVIEW The arguments I have with my GF tend to blow up and get out of control, we need help dealing with how we approach our fights so we don't hurt each other when things start heading south. We've already said and done things we both regret and we want to avoid this at all costs because we love each other very much and see this as our biggest hurdle. We’ve been dating for almost one year, and any help would be appreciated to help us continue our relationship BACKGROUND ME:28 years old, from a large family.A fighter by nature. I like to work through issues right away and move on.Very honest and to the point. Don’t like sugar coating anything.Gets frustrated easily when GF can’t identify or de-values my feelings.Becomes upset when GF becomes overly defensive and misleading.Has issues with Jealousy and TrustHER:23 years old, single child.She is a flighter by nature. Likes to take a step backward and avoids confrontation.Level headed during most of the arguing until her character is questioned.Doesn’t readily admit she’s part of the problem, stubborn to see things from my point of view.Manipulates the argument and points the finger back at me when I point out her errors.Not totally honest, gives me half-truths about mundane issues.Has issues with Commitment and Honesty.BREAKDOWN OF THE ARGUMENTS Our arguments start over very trivial things that in most cases should be handled with little problem, unfortunately due to way we approach these confrontations we end up making a mountain out of a mole hill. When we have a big argument, I’m the one who usually gets upset with her, and it’s been for the same general reason time and time again. I've felt on a number of occasions that she’s just left me hanging. We’ll have plans and something comes up, and she just doesn’t bother calling me to let me know what’s up. Or we’ll be at a social function and she runs into someone (the guys are who really upset me) and she just forgets I’m there. I feel like she’s very inconsistent with her common courtesy practices. As a result I call her out on her actions, and she becomes immediately defensive. This usually is assisted by half-assed excuses to justify her actions, which in turn makes me all that more upset that she’s not seeing things from my point of view and telling me half-truths to avoid confrontation. She then resists even more and begins pointing the finger back at me. At this point I probably could just drop the argument and take it for what it’s worth, but pride and emotions seem to get the best of me. The thought of being play-cated and deceived really sets me off, especially when I feel like my emotions are de-valued Things escalate from here. I point out more of the actions I find unfavorable in her at the time, and she gets more defensive and pulls away further. I get frustrated and upset, and she feels like she’s messed up again. - SPECIFIC EXAMPLE 1 On our fourth date she ran into some guys she went to college with and didn't bother to turn around once in over 20 minutes to see how I was doing. Note: I was with my friends that night, but I was suppose to be introducing her to everyone for the first time. I got frustrated and left the bar without her. Told her I didn't want to hang out anymore and she came crawling back to me the next day apologizing for the mistake. Not till later in our relationship and a couple of fights later would she come up with a number of excuses for her actions and say I made a huge deal out of nothing. - SPECIFIC EXAMPLE 2 About 3 months later I found out she had a guy friend she'd call and talk to once in a blue moon. This really didn't bother me too much, but after she asked me to hang out with the both of them a couple of times I started wondering what the deal was. This again turned into a huge deal because she wasn't totally honest with me, and she herself was jealous that I was talking to one of my co-workers on a regular basis. She seemed to have double standards and eventually told me she didn't need the guy in her life at all, and still to this day isn't talking to him. - SPECIFIC EXAMPLE 3 There were a couple more incidents in between these, but the last major fight came when she had a girl friend visit from out of town. I asked my gf if she wanted to grab a bite to eat with her and her girl friend the night she came in town, and my gf said she'd love that. But that afternoon I tried calling to see what the plans were for the night, and she never returned my call, I called again after work and still she didn’t pick up. It wasn't until 7 PM that evening that she bothered to pick up. When she did pick up, she said she never saw I called, which is a total crock of crap, 7 hours after my first call and she never saw I called. So I’m frustrated, she comes up with excuses and then things get out of control. I tell her I don’t want to be with her anymore and we break up. Two weeks later, we’re back together after we’ve both admitted we could have done things differently. CONCLUSION Our fighting styles are very different, and we deal with adversity in two completely different ways. I like to fight, she likes to flight. Any help would be appreciated from you guys. We do love spending time with each other and we’re very compatible on many levels. Unfortunately we’re awful at arguing and dealing with each other when crap hits the fan. She’s admitted that’s she’s inconsistent at times, and needs to find a way to dissolve the issue in the beginning by acknowledging my feelings. Where as I've admitted that I need to take a step back when things get rough, respect her space and trust her more. We’re considering therapy in the future so we can move our relationship forward and hopefully on to the next level, whatever that may be. Thanks for reading... Edited January 8, 2008 by stoneymirror
Lucky555 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Both of you are acting rather immature. First off when you have a discussion sit down literally, look at her and talk to her in a firm but nice voice. Assess what you two want out of this relationship. These fights seem rather picky and small but they escalate into pointless arguments. Does it matter who wins? Isn't the point of a relationship to be on each others side and PROGRESS? Your finding little things here and there about her that you do not like and you confront her good but Talk, don't yell. If you need some time out just take a walk and then sit down. Eye contact, holding her hand, something like this suggests that you are interested in her point of view and work it out. I am not saying that you have to do all the work but just initiating these things may get her to do the same.
Author stoneymirror Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Thanks for the advice Lucky555
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