Wife Wants The Love Back, BUT Doesn't Know If She Can Get It From Me

[d55c]

Thanks imlw, pwsx3, and Gunny376. Your words has inspired me to finally post my problem and ask for help and support.

 

My wife and I were high school sweetheart. She was 16 and I was 17. After high school, we did the long distance relationship during college for 3 years where I went to college in Pa and she stayed close to home in Ca. After we finished college, she moved in with me while I was attending graduate school. For the past 3 years while I was attending graduate school in, we were planning for our wedding. But during that planning our relationship became boring and we didn't do that much bonding together because there were a lot of stress on the two of us with school, work, and financial situation. So we grew apart, and I wasn't emotionally there for her to support her. But this past May, we got married. After being married for 6 months, the day before Thanksgiving she sat me down and gave me the "she loves me but isn't in love with me" speech and she has been unhappy for the pass 3 years. As you know, I was devastated. I also realized that she became emotionally attached to one of her friend who has been there for her emotionally for the past year or two and it was my fault because I let it happened because I trusted her. Also, she never communicated with me about how she felt for the past 3 years.

 

Therefore, for the past month and a half I have been depressed and confused, but after reading imlw and pwsx3 post I feel enlightened by their situation and understand what I need to do with my relationship. Currently, my wife and I will be going through a 6 month separation where we will have limited contact (1 phone call a week) and go out on one date at the end of each month. My wife wants to feel the love again and have that spark back in her life, but she doesn't know if she wants it back from me or from someone else. She has always had a curiosity about the grass being greener on the other side. My wife and I hardly ever argue, I trust her so much that I let her go out with whoever, and I let her do whatever she wants. We have always been honest and faithful to one and another, but we just lost contact somewhere in the midst of our relationship.

 

I understand that I am young (25) and I can move on with my life with someone else later on. But I still love my wife with all of my heart, and when we got married I was committed in trying to make our marriage work even though I have to do this alone for right now. Even though she wants a divorce and doesn't want to work it out right now, she is still willing to try the 6 month separation before filing in order give me some type of closure knowing that we tried to make our marriage work out.

 

So for the first two months I plan on doing NC (through the phone) and only seeing her once a month at the end of the month, so I can give her time to cool off, think things through, and find herself. At the same time I will be improving myself physically by going to the gym (already lost 40lbs), mentally & emotionally by reading books and being on LS, and also preparing myself for the worst. After the two months, I will start calling her once a week and still go out on a date at the end of the month. I just know that I have to court her again and hope and pray that she will love me once again. This is going to take a lot of patience on my part. Also, we have nothing tying us down to our marriage (no kids, no house, only 2 dogs and bills), but I still want my marriage to work out because I love my wife. She is beautiful in every way, she is strong and independent, and I should of been there to listen and support her emotionally. Hopefully she will realize that I have changed and our love can only become stronger after we overcome this adversity.

 

By me going through this and reading LS, I have learned so much about marriage and what it takes to keep it. I have changed a lot not for her but to better myself as a person. I love the new me. Even though I feel lonely and sad on some days, I just need to remind myself that everyday is a new day and things will only get better over time. Please feel free to give me some feedback or advice. It felt great to finally put this on LS.

[ElvenPriestess]

You seem to have a good plan worked out. Just one question. Does she want it to work out too? And btw, CONGRATS on losing 40 pounds! Good for you!

[d55c]

Thanks ElvenPrestess. Feels great losing 40 lbs. Just 30 more to go then I will be in the same shape like I was in in high school.

 

Right now she doesn't think it is going to work out because like any other guy that goes through this I tried to force her to get back with me fast and try to find a fast solution so that I can stop the pain. So I forced her into making a rash decision and not giving her time to think things through. She hopes just a little that it will work out but she doesn't know if it will or not because she doesn't know if she can love me again since we have been with each other for 8 years.

 

When we talk about going out on our date at the end of the month, she said that if the feelings does come back then she won't shut it out and she knows that our love can become stronger. But right now it isn't there and she doesn't think it will ever come back. I don't know if this is a sign that it will work out or not.

[ElvenPriestess]

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I really am. I mean I understand hard times, but even in those I've believed the feelings still exist deep down. I don't want to make it sound hopeless, just please don't get your hopes up. It sounds pretty one sided here. And I think you want what she doesn't. You should have some one who wants the same things you do. Just trust me and don't expect anything out of these dates. If it were rekindling something that is deep down I'd say you go. But if she says it's gone then that isn't fair to you. *HUGS YOU* I hate to see some one suffer.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I commend you on wanting to fix things, but when a woman makes dumbass choices she doesnt often see it until it's like years later.

 

Let her go.

 

Move on.

 

You aint go no kids with her so thank god for that and find someone on yur journey who's not gonna quit on you over wnating to bang other men.

[jesslindy]

I would be very careful about the dates that you have set up.

 

First of all, an EA doesn't go on that long. It probably got physical. Cheaters are liars.

 

Secondly, Waywards have a way of keeping you on a string. Do not let her do that. Read the book "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson. If she wants out give it to her and fast. It is the only thing that works. IMO.

 

Marraige is forever. You are suppossed to be together, not apart.

 

Its good you have started working out and losing the weight. I'm down 38 pounds and I feel great too. Great Job.

 

Dude, this is going to be tough. Follow the advice you are given. The faster you do, the easier it will be.

 

Lastly. You are blaming yourself for her leaving and cheating?? Thats crazy. You need to stop doing that right now!!!!! Cheating is wrong and selfish, and it lays squarely on her shoulders. Do not blame yourself anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

[LifesontheUp]

Right now she doesn't think it is going to work out......

 

She hopes just a little that it will work out but she doesn't know if it will or not because she doesn't know if she can love me again since we have been with each other for 8 years.

 

But right now it isn't there and she doesn't think it will ever come back.

 

You sound like a nice guy who is willing to work on your marriage but it takes TWO people to make it work. To me it sounds like your wife isn't going to make any effort, in fact it sounds that she is at the least emotionally attached to someone else. Honestly, with someone else in the picture I'm not sure how you think this is going to work?

 

I'm so sorry for what is happening, but feel you are setting yourself up for a bigger fall as your wife isn't into sorting this out.