amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 New poster and I'm at odds. After an exhaustive 3+ years search and after dating many guys that just weren't into me, I finally found a wonderful guy and have been with him for 3 months. He's loving, attentive, affectionate, my biggest support, doting, honest, forthcoming, fun, bright and open to anything I throw at him. The issue? While he's nearly everything I've been looking for on an emotional/mental level, he's currently unemployed (got fired from last job), living with his mother is a ****ty, junky, cluttered gross apartment, has never had a career, only worked dead-end jobs, is slightly overweight and as it stands, is a high schoo dropout, but he's working on getting his GED. He's 30. I, on the other hand, have a master's degree, a professional marketing career, have my own place, am financially secure and also pursue writing, acting and modeling and producing in my free time. Im actually working on my 2nd documentary with a slew of other ideas and projects on my 'to-do' list. Basically, I'm vey driven and ambitious and passionate about suceeding in several areas of my life. Now he isn't happy with his current situation and is making lots of changes to further himself. He's looking into entering several different careers, losing weight and taking the GED. He also plans on getting his own place later in the year. But I find myself having problems finding the overall package of him and his current lifestyle attractive. I care a lot for him and see a lot pf potential in him but I'm having trouble getting past the path he's carved out for himself (which was nowhere) and feeling as passionate and deep about him as I did other guys. Guys who were more successful and more accomplished. I know he's working on it but I don't know how long it will take and how patient I can be. Any thoughts. Should any of that matter? Am I being too superficial? He treats me wonderfully and I'm pretty happy but I feel like he needs to "step up" or catch up. I feel like he's lagging behind me and that makes him less appealing in my eyes.
Nevermind Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 But I find myself having problems finding the overall package of him and his current lifestyle attractive. You are not in love. You like him. Try to be his friend, because you're not going to be happy as his SO.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 You are not in love. You like him. Try to be his friend, because you're not going to be happy as his SO. Well I know I'm not in love yet. Its only been 3 months. I do like him. A lot. I'm just not sure if I should accept him as is, hold on to hope that he'll rise up to better or if this should matter at all. And if how he treats me and makes me feel should be enough. I just feel like finding a real connectionis rare these days and if you find it, you shouldn't just throw it away for superficial reasons. But I'm not sure if that's right either.
Saxis Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Accept him for who he is, and give him a chance. There's a good possibility you've already inspired him to reach a bit higher. If you find that he is still slacking and you're not comfortable with it, do him a favor and walk away.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Accept him for who he is, and give him a chance. There's a good possibility you've already inspired him to reach a bit higher. Thank you for responding. I agree with this. I know I've already inspired him to aim higher, as did meeting my friends, who are all master's and PhD holders and highly ambitious and I see the desire in him to start making changes. He is a great person; maybe he's never had a great motivator in his life before. But time will tell. I'll have to see.
serialgf Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 hey amethyst i thought i would respond because i am in an eerily similar situation, though my bf has his own place and is employed. but just like you, we've been dating around three months and i am falling in love with him even though at 26 he's yet to finish his GED, he's a bit chunkier than the guys i usually date and his hygiene wasn't quite up to par in my opinion. like you, i have a masters, am constantly involved in new projects, etc. on an emotional level, though, we connect totally and he's an awesome boyfriend! for the first couple of months i had a lot of doubts, but in the end i decided to go for it and since i have its been great! i think the key is communication. example: i know the GED thing is a sensitive issue for him and so i've been very gentile in discussing it with him but just the other night i asked him if he'd like my help figuring it out since he said he doesn't know where to start and he said yes so now we're working on it. As that other poster said, it sounds like he's already taking your lead in aiming a bit higher and that's what's happening with my bf. He has been exercising more, drinking less, showering and combing his hair, and has been more persistent with his music career. I guess in all my advice is for you to be there for him regarding all the things he needs to get together - you, as an ambitious, intelligent, successful woman, can be a real inspiration to him as long as you're not demeaning or make him feel bad - which it sounds like you have a loving relationship so why not give love a shot. Good luck and sorry for the long-winded response.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 But I find myself having problems finding the overall package of him and his current lifestyle attractive. I care a lot for him and see a lot pf potential in him but I'm having trouble getting past the path he's carved out for himself (which was nowhere) and feeling as passionate and deep about him as I did other guys. Guys who were more successful and more accomplished. Well, based on initial impressions. I'd say he is the one who is dating down. If you cannot love him as is. Move on. Expecting him to change is a foolish endevor that will kill anything you try to put together. Fact. You dont respect him or where he is in life. This has nothing to do with the man he is... and has everything to do with the amount of money he has accumulated. Seriously, I've met HS dropouts who where smarter than Phd's. You cannot be in love with someone you do not respect. Do you think that you can accept his flaws as they currently are?
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 I guess in all my advice is for you to be there for him regarding all the things he needs to get together - you, as an ambitious, intelligent, successful woman, can be a real inspiration to him as long as you're not demeaning or make him feel bad - which it sounds like you have a loving relationship so why not give love a shot. Good luck and sorry for the long-winded response. Thank you so much for your kind advice. My BF really is a special, lovable guy and after dating so many men who I felt disgarded me and made me feel so undervalued and insignificant in their lives, my BF has been a refreshing change. I also keep in mind that even if I left him and went after a man with my socioeconomic status and success, there is no guarantee that he'd honor me, care for me and do for me the way my man does. Everyhing is just not to simple and easy. He really does put in his all for me. And I haven't had that in years! Thanks again. Your advice as encouraging. I feel like love and true happiness doesn't always come in the package you request. Sometimes it comes in different wrapping. Now that I said it, I have to remember it.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Well, based on initial impressions. I'd say he is the one who is dating down. If you cannot love him as is. Move on. Expecting him to change is a foolish endevor that will kill anything you try to put together. Fact. You dont respect him or where he is in life. This has nothing to do with the man he is... and has everything to do with the amount of money he has accumulated. Seriously, I've met HS dropouts who where smarter than Phd's. You cannot be in love with someone you do not respect. Do you think that you can accept his flaws as they currently are? Disagree. I do respect him. Which is why I'm seeking insights from others to make this situation better. He is extremely bright despite never finishing high school, which is another reason why we connect so well. I just had a hard time relating to how he had accepted the stagnant lifestyle he's lived up until now and its made me question where he'd be headed without changes. The money is unimportant, its his general lack of drive and ambition up until now that didn't appeal to me. Also, he is the one who wants to change. Never did I ever ask him to. And I can accept him and his flaws now, I'm just now sure what the future holds since he's at step and stage one of improvements.
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 New poster and I'm at odds. After an exhaustive 3+ years search and after dating many guys that just weren't into me, I finally found a wonderful guy and have been with him for 3 months. He's loving, attentive, affectionate, my biggest support, doting, honest, forthcoming, fun, bright and open to anything I throw at him. The issue? While he's nearly everything I've been looking for on an emotional/mental level, he's currently unemployed (got fired from last job), living with his mother is a ****ty, junky, cluttered gross apartment, has never had a career, only worked dead-end jobs, is slightly overweight and as it stands, is a high schoo dropout, but he's working on getting his GED. He's 30. I, on the other hand, have a master's degree, a professional marketing career, have my own place, am financially secure and also pursue writing, acting and modeling and producing in my free time. Im actually working on my 2nd documentary with a slew of other ideas and projects on my 'to-do' list. Basically, I'm vey driven and ambitious and passionate about suceeding in several areas of my life. Now he isn't happy with his current situation and is making lots of changes to further himself. He's looking into entering several different careers, losing weight and taking the GED. He also plans on getting his own place later in the year. But I find myself having problems finding the overall package of him and his current lifestyle attractive. I care a lot for him and see a lot pf potential in him but I'm having trouble getting past the path he's carved out for himself (which was nowhere) and feeling as passionate and deep about him as I did other guys. Guys who were more successful and more accomplished. I know he's working on it but I don't know how long it will take and how patient I can be. Any thoughts. Should any of that matter? Am I being too superficial? He treats me wonderfully and I'm pretty happy but I feel like he needs to "step up" or catch up. I feel like he's lagging behind me and that makes him less appealing in my eyes. Honestly.....I think you are beign superfical here. You claim to have deep feeling's for him, but on the other hand how can you if you don't repsect him with where he's at now? Perhap's it a rough time for him. AP:)
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Honestly.....I think you are beign superfical here. You claim to have deep feeling's for him, but on the other hand how can you if you don't repsect him with where he's at now? Perhap's it a rough time for him. AP:) While he is in a rough time right now, truthfully, he hasn't done much with his life in the past 10 years. He's basically one step up from being homeless. I don't think its a matter of a lack of respect but a lack of attraction to his lifestyle and life choices up until now.
Nevermind Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 after dating so many men who I felt disgarded me and made me feel so undervalued and insignificant in their lives, my BF has been a refreshing change. I also keep in mind that even if I left him and went after a man with my socioeconomic status and success, there is no guarantee that he'd honor me, care for me and do for me the way my man does. Everyhing is just not to simple and easy. He really does put in his all for me. Is that what he is to you? A refreshing change who adores you, looks up to you, does everything you want for you? And you want to "keep him" because you wouldn't get this from someone you'd consider a peer?
Cobra_X30 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Disagree. I do respect him. Which is why I'm seeking insights from others to make this situation better. He is extremely bright despite never finishing high school, which is another reason why we connect so well. I just had a hard time relating to how he had accepted the stagnant lifestyle he's lived up until now and its made me question where he'd be headed without changes. The money is unimportant, its his general lack of drive and ambition up until now that didn't appeal to me. Also, he is the one who wants to change. Never did I ever ask him to. And I can accept him and his flaws now, I'm just now sure what the future holds since he's at step and stage one of improvements. It's good that he initiate the change. But the problem is that you think your dating down. That means your mentally placing yourself above him. That does not sound like respect! I've known guys like this before. They tend to be easy going and value people and relationships over material things. You need to make sure you are both on the same page like that. Otherwise you won't understand each other. Seriously... would you take him if he made no changes? While he is in a rough time right now, truthfully, he hasn't done much with his life in the past 10 years. He's basically one step up from being homeless. I don't think its a matter of a lack of respect but a lack of attraction to his lifestyle and life choices up until now. Yes, but what you need to realize is that you can't just love part of a man. He is a whole package... and you can't get involved with him expecting him to change! Be willing to take him as is... or not at all.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Is that what he is to you? A refreshing change who adores you, looks up to you, does everything you want for you? And you want to "keep him" because you wouldn't get this from someone you'd consider a peer? What he is to me is a loving, doting boyfriend; the exact type of guy I've been looking for. He just doesn't have his life together yet and he's uncertain about his future. I want to "keep him" cause he has the potential to be the type of guy I'd share my life with. At his core, he has the qualities.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 It's good that he initiate the change. But the problem is that you think your dating down. That means your mentally placing yourself above him. That does not sound like respect!...... Seriously... would you take him if he made no changes? I actually don't consider myself dating down. I don't believe in dating leagues. But others do and others would consider it that, which it why I titled it so. If he made no changes, I honestly couldn't say how long I'd stay interested. I've always been drawn to men I found professionally ambitious and very driven and successful. This is a first for me. Yes, but what you need to realize is that you can't just love part of a man. He is a whole package... and you can't get involved with him expecting him to change! Be willing to take him as is... or not at all. I didn't get involved with him expecting him to change. When I met him, he was working full-time and looking for his own place. After becoming exclusive, he was then fired from his job and I found out about his lack of schooling and home situation. I accepted it, cause I saw many other positive qualities in him but have since then been giving it more thought as other things have come up. While he's in this for the long haul, Im taking it one week at a time. So I did take him as is, but that changed and things I didn't know resurfaced. I can honestly say if I were to meet him for the first time today, I might not have gone out with him knowing what I know now. But I may have also missed out on a great guy.
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 While he is in a rough time right now, truthfully, he hasn't done much with his life in the past 10 years. He's basically one step up from being homeless. I don't think its a matter of a lack of respect but a lack of attraction to his lifestyle and life choices up until now. Then what is it that you want for and from this guy? Think about it! AP:)
tanbark813 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I actually don't consider myself dating down. I don't believe in dating leagues. But others do and others would consider it that, which it why I titled it so. Okay, the BS alarm just went off. If you didn't consider yourself dating down you wouldn't have posted this thread in the first place.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Then what is it that you want for and from this guy? Think about it! AP:) A meaningful, loving relationship. The same thing he wants. Which we have right now but I'm concerned for the future.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Okay, the BS alarm just went off. If you didn't consider yourself dating down you wouldn't have posted this thread in the first place. I would have and did still post this thread because it may be a compatibility issue. Some people agree that its better to date within your percieved league, others don't agree.
tanbark813 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Some people agree that its better to date within your percieved league, others don't agree. Which are you?
Meaplus3 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 A meaningful, loving relationship. The same thing he wants. Which we have right now but I'm concerned for the future. Well honestly it seem's to me that right now that you are to hung up on his past and IMOP, that's going to interfer with that loving R that you so desire. You need to accept every part of him in order to have the kind of realtionship you seem to desire. Make sense? AP:)
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Which are you? I don't agree. I think if two people connect then socio-economics shouldn't matter. But I'm having reservations here. Its not just finances but lifestyle choices and mindsets. Its just very different and new to me. I like to think that its the feelings that count but I'm finding, its not as simple as I thought.
Author amethyst3 Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 Well honestly it seem's to me that right now that you are to hung up on his past and IMOP, that's going to interfer with that loving R that you so desire. You need to accept every part of him in order to have the kind of realtionship you seem to desire. Make sense? AP:) Ok. Well then maybe that's my trouble; accepting every part. By accepting every part, do you mean find all of it desirable? Lifestyle and all?
Nevermind Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 I don't agree. I think if two people connect then socio-economics shouldn't matter. Everything you're writing here says that they do matter for you. It's not being a bad person, just accept who you are. For me this reads more like a personal issue than anything else. You'd like to be the person who doesn't care about it, but you're not. That's okay. Just don't put him and yourself through a relationship that is doomed from the beginning. Accepting doesn't mean loving, but you stated more than once that he needs to change himself to be considered your equal. Which is the opposite of acceptance.
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