blon_dee Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Hi guys... i've been lurking around for a while.... A few weeks ago, i broke up with bf, he did a few dodgy things like texting a friend of mine apparently trying to set up a "meeting".. then when i confronted him he told me he couldnt give me what i wanted, couldnt commit, feels scared...blh blah... We ended up getting back together, on his terms of a "casual" thing... but i decided 2 days later i didnt want casual so i ended it. And i was more than happy with my decision.. A few days after that, he started bombarding me with texts, phone calls, letters, emails, he even left letters under my front door, declaring his undying love for me, this went on for over 2 weeks, over the xmas new year period, " I want to marry you" "I cant imagine not spending my life with you" "We can make this work, i want it more than anything in the world".... I had hesitations, big time as he has promised all this before, but it didnt stop, so i believed that he really meant it..... Last Thursday, i decided to give it a shot.. Everything was going well... then LAST NIGHT (Just 4 days after i finally took him back after BEGGING me for weeks) - he tells me he really cant commit, and hes scared again!!!!!!!!!! SO i told him never to contact me again.... I feel so stupid for believing him. Do you think this guy has a problem or what???? The thing is, we would have been together for a year at the end of this month, so while on one hand i am really really pissed!!, i am also feeling very sad... Any views????
timjones0674 Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 This is easy to correct once you understand what is going on... First, he is quite immature. This guy has no clue what marriage means and you are probably better off without him. Second the reason that he no longer wants you now is because he caught you. The best thing you can do is to ignore him and wait for the rebound. When he comes back begging, always keep him at arms length. Meaning, it is almost like tempting a dog with a treat. Let him get close enough to see and smell it, but never give it to him... This approach will make him your puppy dog to do any little nasty bidding you want.... Probably settling the score at this point would make you feel better, but just be careful to not get caught up in it. Assuming you do this, your man will find that Love can be such a pain when dealing with someone who knows what they are doing.
Author blon_dee Posted January 8, 2008 Author Posted January 8, 2008 It just hurts so much though... what an *******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
s_n_d Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 You deserve better. And someone who knows what he wants!!
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Yeah i know that... I just cant understand the mentality behind it all.. Why would he go to such extremes trying to get me back in the first place??? It was really over the top, and the things he said were incredible.... He really sucked me in.... I just dont understand!
s_n_d Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I think he was SCARED of being alone so he tried so desperately to try to get back with you and then said all those things even though he didnt mean it. Sometimes people say and do crazy things when they want something or someone so desperately.
sedgwick Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I swear to god I'm about ready to throw in the towel with understanding what men think at all. Mine was in love with me seven hours before he dumped me. Called me three times the day before he broke up with me to make sure he was going to see me that night, introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, fell asleep holding me and saying I love you, woke up the next morning and "just wasn't as sure about it" as I was. I think there's like this random switch that just goes off in their brains and short circuits them or something. I give completely up.
Lee725 Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Hi blon dee, as i have said in another thread, some men like to "fish". They drop a line with a bait & wait for a bite, once they have the catch they throw it back. It is all about the wait and struggle to see if they can catch you. It is a game with a challenge, you are the challenge so when they have caught you the game is over and they need to start again. He is manipulating you in the worse was possible. He is messing with your head and your heart. You know this man can not give you what you need and deserve. You need to go complete NC with him. Any contact you maintain with him will only give you more food to feed the thoughts of being with him. The begging, the declarations of undying love, will all come again, but you must be strong, no matter what - please don't reply. We all want to be loved and needed. It is so easy in that moment to think that this time he may be telling the truth and to forgive him and go back, but he has proven time & again that he is not ready for you and can not give you what you deserve. There may come a point in his life where he will be more stable and he will be able to give you the commitment and love you deserve, but unless he has time to sit back, think and realize what a jerk he has been - he will not be speaking honestly. The only way for you to heal from this is to go NC. The only way for him to appreciate you and the great person you are to to have spent some time living without you. If he starts with the notes, emails and calls, block his number etc as best you can. Tell him to stop, if he doesn't then do what you need to do to keep him away. You may think this will scare him off for good (in reality it may), but if he loves you the way he says he does he will come back more level headed later on.
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thankyou Lee, everything you said was right.. Its just so hard to let it go.. I loved this guy.. for all its worth.. Well i loved what i thought he was, but now i think hes just a liar, and he somehow manages to keep convincing me otherwise.. This sux in the worst possible way... Im a smart, attractive girl.. i dont deserve this.....
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 I've sent a few rather nasty messages today.. Im just feeling so damn angry.. Everything i said was true anyway, he is just a liar... I just still cant understand why he would do this!!!??? For all those weeks of him begging, we began to talk and i told him i was terrified he would change his mind.. He assured me that he was a million percent positive this time would be different.. It lasted 4 F***ing days!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????? I feel so humilated and emotionally exhausted....... It hurts so much even though i am totally angry and know that i am much better off without him....
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Anyone else got any words of wisdom on WHY the hell he would do this to me?? He emailed me today saying he convinced himself that was what he wanted, but now hes not sure again.. I just cant understand that!! A week ago, he said he wanted to marry me!!???? Im sooooooooooooooooooo hurt and angry!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Please doesnt anyone have anything to say???? I got a txt from him tonight, saying i am better off without him in my life,t hat his actions have been immature and that i deserve so much better.. Not wrong there... I replied with "Your words mean nothing to me" which is how i feel because i think hes a liar, and i cant believe a word he says! My whole life feels like it has been a lie for the past year.. i feel soooooo stupid!!!!!!!!
child_of_isis Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 I have no answer to the reason at to WHY. But I can tell you that I understand. Mine is doing pretty much the same thing. As soon as we split up he is begging, miserable and on the verge of death. When he catches me again, he starts acting single. The planets have been switching their positions of power. It is turning some people inside out. I think it may be best to avoid an R's until the first quarter of this year has settled in. Go no contact for a month, then hook up and see if anything has changed. You will be stronger and able to look at the R objectively and see if it will meet your needs. That's my plan, anyway.Please doesnt anyone have anything to say???? I got a txt from him tonight, saying i am better off without him in my life,t hat his actions have been immature and that i deserve so much better.. Not wrong there... I replied with "Your words mean nothing to me" which is how i feel because i think hes a liar, and i cant believe a word he says! My whole life feels like it has been a lie for the past year.. i feel soooooo stupid!!!!!!!!
ebonyjade Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Hey blondee, I think you made the right choice he really doesnt deserve you. Just take one day at a time hun and never conatct him again the time old out of sight out of mind will help you loads. Be strong and find something fun that you will like doing... put an elastic band around your wrist and then ping it when you start to think about it ( aversion therapy weird but eh!!!...) Thank your self that u got out now and not later down the line when you were possibly married or had kids. Some people are like this with other peoples feelings and its s hit but when you move on you will be like what an ass.... Everything happens for a reason Good luck Ebony xxxx
PLAYBRAT Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Ask yourself: Why do I need a guy who only wants me when I'm rejecting him?? That says more about HIM than you sweetie. The guy seems to like the chase more than the catch. Some men TRULY like being treated like crap. Maybe he is one of those guys. The worse you treat them the more they beg. It is kind of twisted......but without knowing his background and upbringing I cannot advise on WHY he is the way he is. Some men SAY they want one thing...yet react entirely different to another.
Author blon_dee Posted January 9, 2008 Author Posted January 9, 2008 Thanks guys.. yeah you are all right... I feel a bit better today... Im more angry than anything that i let him scam me, once again!!!!! I feel so stupid and humiliated.. All my friends told me not to believe him this time... and i did.. :-(
Lee725 Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 hi Blon dee, me again, i just wanted to say that the anger you are feeling is normal and justified. To put it in a clinical perspective it is part of the "process". (I am only bringing this up because i feel for you in your posts, i can feel your anger as i read) Please try very hard not to contact him during these times of deep anger. (although you want to go to the source & let it out). Angry minds are rarely clear minds. Before you text next time, think about it, not just what you are going to say and how much you want him to hurt - think about what reply or outcome you are looking for in sending that text. He is not going to justify what he has done because honestly he does not believe he has done anything wrong. NC is the way to go with this one, but if you absolutely MUST contact him be concise and clear with what you want to know. Accusations, name calling, anger (no matter how much you feel it), will not result in a reply that will bring you any closure. Liars, manipulators and cheaters always come undone in the end. Remember this now and you will see the results of it later when you are settled and happy with someone else and you see him in the background still in a complete mess.
Author blon_dee Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 Thanks again for your words Lee... you make a heap of sense to me... I am trying to process everything in my head... Its just so hard to believe, it seems he was a very different person to what i thought he was.. He sent me another text saying, i am not the man you fell in love with.. I just wonder sometimes if he will ever change??? Should i ever give him another chance.. He has done this so many times in the last few months, he wants me, he doesnt, he wants me back, he changes his mind again... I believe he really loves me but he gets scared all the time... I am just so confused..
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 Its just so hard to believe, it seems he was a very different person to what i thought he was.. He sent me another text saying, i am not the man you fell in love with.. I just wonder sometimes if he will ever change??? Should i ever give him another chance.. He has done this so many times in the last few months, he wants me, he doesnt, he wants me back, he changes his mind again... I believe he really loves me but he gets scared all the time... I am just so confused.. Hi Blon Dee, i am not to sure that i can say much more without repeating myself (which i do regularly ). Men & Women can portray themselves in different lights. Think about an Actor, in a particular role they are consumed by it to the point that they may actually start to believe they are this person. In reality when the lights go down and the set is empty, they are at home, the real person comes out. Even for an extended period of time people can be whoever they want to be, but eventually the truth comes out. When that happens people like you & i sit on the other side thinking "crap", where did that come from? Hence the "I am not the man you fell in love with". He wont change now Honey, he has made the declaration that he (himself) is no longer the same person. Given he has accepted this fact within himself i doubt he will wake up in his old personality tomorrow. Only you can decide if you should give him another chance. No-one on here walks your steps nor knows him in the light you do, but remember these times of pain and confusion clearly when thinking about a second chance. I love lasagna, I crave it, I will go out specifically to buy it and eat it 5 nights in a row, the 6th night i get home, i don't want it - not at least for another week. this is a bad analogy i know but my point is we can love something, even desperately crave it for a while, but then we get sick of it. Unfortunately some people love another in this world the same way I love lasagna.
Author blon_dee Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 lol.. your analogy was funny actually... and it does make sense... I think this guy just simply does not know what he wants, and i dont know if he ever will.. I think i will just stick with the NC thing, and chill out for a few months, no matter what he says or does... I dont deserve this kind of treatment, so i guess i shouldnt put up with it??!!
JosieMcCoy Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 blondee! thats ok!!! I had a horrible holiday experience with a guy as well! you are not stuipid! From one blonde to another, we are the best!!! Cheers!!!
Author blon_dee Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 He just send me 2 texts, one saying the damage has been done, you need stability and i have shown that i cant give you that... and then another one, Take care of yourself, i really do with you all the happiness, you really deserve it.. WTF?????????????????? A**HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not replying.. thats it... right??? wonder if he will do a back flip again??? God i hate this!!!!!!
Lee725 Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 He just send me 2 texts, one saying the damage has been done, you need stability and i have shown that i cant give you that... and then another one, Take care of yourself, i really do with you all the happiness, you really deserve it.. WTF?????????????????? A**HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not replying.. thats it... right??? wonder if he will do a back flip again??? God i hate this!!!!!! I got one of those "you deserve it" txts recently (bolded). My thoughts: "If i am so great and deserve it - why cant you give it to me?" Dont reply blon dee, please dont. Stay strong, dont feed the monster within. You can only move on if you leave it alone.
Author blon_dee Posted January 11, 2008 Author Posted January 11, 2008 i couldnt help it.. i got so angry and let fly again... now i feel even more stupid... Im just so goddamn angry at him... I didnt even want to take him back this time, i was railroaded, blindsided by all the **** he kept saying.. So i feel so stupid that i let him convince me and that its all gone to s*** again!!! I was happy with my decision to end it before xmas and leave it at that.. Then he had to go and do tihs and i feel worse than i did before!!!!!
kimba Posted January 11, 2008 Posted January 11, 2008 He just send me 2 texts, one saying the damage has been done, you need stability and i have shown that i cant give you that... and then another one, Take care of yourself, i really do with you all the happiness, you really deserve it.. WTF?????????????????? A**HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im not replying.. thats it... right??? wonder if he will do a back flip again??? God i hate this!!!!!! he is clearly doing the passive aggressive reverse psychology thing. if he REALLy thoughyou deserve "all the happiness" he would leave you the frig alone. he sounds like a psycho. Its best not to respond to anymore of this crap. he obviously knows how to push your buttons
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